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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
Defender90 · 10/04/2021 20:40

My Dad does, my DM passed away very suddenly and he was flung into retirement without DM to enjoy it with.

About a year ago he presented us with a cheque to pay off our (small) mortgage, he always worried about the amount of overtime DH did and wanted to see us enjoy money that would ultimately be mine anyway, apparently my Grandad did that for them, I never knew.

When I changed my car last year he offered the cash instead of taking finance and I pay him back every month, but with no interest.

He never lords is over us, it's been done from a very very kind heart and I will never be able to express how grateful we are.

On the other hand, my FIL owes us money from 2018.

Swings and roundabouts!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 10/04/2021 21:07

You are neither unreasonable nor not.

I know loads of people in their 30s & 40s who's parents constantly subsidize them. But it's not quite like your example. Its wealthy parents who's kids have (being frank) slipped down the financial ladder somewhat and cannot afford the trappings of a middle class lifestyle. The parents fund it. House deposits, new cars, holidays, school fees, expensive cots, prams and car seats.

PerspicaciousGreen · 10/04/2021 21:12

My parents are wealthy, although they don't believe it. My mother won't fly because of the environment, and they don't like long car or train journeys, and my mother hates boats. So no fancy foreign holidays for them to blow it all on! They've upgraded their house multiple times and it's worth well over £1 million (house price rise since they bought it 25 years ago). They both have excellent DB pensions and plenty of additional private savings. It would be a different story if I thought they were in any way stinting on themselves, but they truly do have more money than they know what to do with - due to having both lots of money and not a lot of desires.

My family on my mother's side has a culture of handing money over to the younger generations. Grandparents to grandchildren in particular. It came as a huge shock to my DH, whose mother is very poor and whose father gave the odd bit of cash while he was growing up as "guilt money" for leaving his mother while she was pregnant with DH. He's sort of got used to it by now, but is still vaguely astonished at the scale of it - i.e. £500 at a time rather than £5 at a time. But it's what I grew up with, and I know my brother gets the same. It's not about helping out based on circumstances, it's 99% about inheritance tax and 1% about wanting to see us enjoy ourselves. For a "working class socialist", my dad's got on board the tax dodge bandwagon very thoroughly...

Yogatomorrow · 10/04/2021 21:16

Wow...this thread has opened my eyes. No - i don't get any money from my parents. My mum doesn't even buy her grandchild an ice cream.

After watching the Prince Harry interview, i got really sarky about him complaining about being financially cut off by his family. But it looks like i am in a minority that doesn't get anything from their parents.

TedMullins · 10/04/2021 21:20

@Yogatomorrow

Wow...this thread has opened my eyes. No - i don't get any money from my parents. My mum doesn't even buy her grandchild an ice cream.

After watching the Prince Harry interview, i got really sarky about him complaining about being financially cut off by his family. But it looks like i am in a minority that doesn't get anything from their parents.

You’re not alone, I’m astonished by this thread too. My mum has helped when I’ve really needed it but the thought of her randomly giving me a few hundred quid just “because” is ridiculous to me. My parents don’t have any cash for me to inherit so there’s nothing to be given to me while they’re alive to avoid tax. Even if they did, I wouldn’t expect anything, it would be their money to do what they want with.
TheOneWithTheBigNose · 10/04/2021 21:21

Even if they did, I wouldn’t expect anything, it would be their money to do what they want with

Well yeah, same here, I don’t expect anything. And my dad does what he wants with his money. One of the things he wants to do with it is to give some to us and to see us enjoying it.

Macncheeseballs · 10/04/2021 21:23

Never had any money from either

justwant2beamum · 10/04/2021 21:24

My maternal grandparents give their children (my DM plus her 3 brothers) £3k each every summer for IHT planning purposes. DP and I are fortunate. Nobody is majorly loaded but both our parents are ok financially more so my dad on my side, but both our parents gifted us for deposit for house, DPs parents have taken us on holiday, we were recently expecting (but sadly ended in mc) and both parents wanted to gift us £1k each for pram etc for baby, out for meals etc parents would never allow us to pay. But maybe we are relatively young we're 27, but both in professional reasonably paid jobs.

Shmithecat2 · 10/04/2021 21:26

DH's parents do this to us - we have no money issues, but when we moved house last year, they gave us money for a new sofa. They know we don't need help at all, but they like to contribute anyway. Totally unnecessary, but very generous, and it makes them well, MIL happy to do it.

PerspicaciousGreen · 10/04/2021 21:29

@TedMullins Even if they did, I wouldn’t expect anything, it would be their money to do what they want with.

I don't think many posters on this thread expect money from their parents or think they have any right to it. That's not the same as accepting gratefully when it's offered.

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 21:34

@justwant2beamum

My maternal grandparents give their children (my DM plus her 3 brothers) £3k each every summer for IHT planning purposes. DP and I are fortunate. Nobody is majorly loaded but both our parents are ok financially more so my dad on my side, but both our parents gifted us for deposit for house, DPs parents have taken us on holiday, we were recently expecting (but sadly ended in mc) and both parents wanted to gift us £1k each for pram etc for baby, out for meals etc parents would never allow us to pay. But maybe we are relatively young we're 27, but both in professional reasonably paid jobs.
That is a great idea. Who wants to give too much money to the government? We pay enough in tax as it is without having to fork out more - when we are dead.

I'm thinking of ways around inheritance tax for when I pop my clogs.

Yubaba · 10/04/2021 21:42

MIL was widowed 4 years ago and FIL left about 200k, she’s liven us half of this to pay for building work to our house. DH is an only child and she sees this money as his anyway.
Even when FIL was still with us they were very generous and would treat us all the time.
They are lovely PIL and I’m lucky to have them.
On the other hand my parents don’t have two pennies to rub together.

user64325 · 10/04/2021 21:44

My mum doesn't but I know she would if she could afford it. My MIL does, she is widowed and massively downsized a few years ago, she gave all her four adult children 3k each then. When we bought our first house a couple of years later she gave us 1k towards improvements, and we have had random £50-100 in cash on visits at times for something like grandkids school shoes or anything else we mentioned in conversation we were going to buy. I think it is more common nowadays because of inheritance tax.

Weirdlynormal · 10/04/2021 21:53

I encourage my clients to give their money away. Why not see the joy of the money rather than wait until you're dead.

Treaclepie19 · 10/04/2021 21:56

Wow I didn't expect these replies!
Certainly not the norm for me... but I was going to say take it and enjoy it, they obviously like to help out.

Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 22:00

I am really shocked by the replies as well. My mum was a single parent to 6 no way could she afford to send us all money, shocked how many adults get money from their parents. Didn’t realise it was so common

FortunesFave · 10/04/2021 22:22

@Happycat1212

I am really shocked by the replies as well. My mum was a single parent to 6 no way could she afford to send us all money, shocked how many adults get money from their parents. Didn’t realise it was so common
Wouldn't you give your adult children some help if you could afford it? I know I would! My inlaws help us a fair bit...not to the extent of buying us a house or anything but definitely with bigger purchases for the house.
Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 22:26

FortunesFave of course! I just didn’t realise how many people get this, my mum asked me for her 40p back once when she photo copied something at the library for me 😂 so hearing people get lump sums etc is surprising like I said (not in a bad way just genuinely didn’t realise)

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 22:28

@Happycat1212

I am really shocked by the replies as well. My mum was a single parent to 6 no way could she afford to send us all money, shocked how many adults get money from their parents. Didn’t realise it was so common
I wouldn't say it is common but it does happen quite a lot. However many people can't afford to give their adult children large sums of money. What does happen is they give them a little here and there, treat them occasionally, buy them things. That is just as nice, and generous from someone who doesn't have a lot or a big income.

I'd certainly always help mine financially as much as I could.

Treaclepie19 · 10/04/2021 22:32

To clarify, I'm shocked because it wouldn't be something my family would do. It's definitely something I'll do for my children.

Supersimkin2 · 10/04/2021 22:34

It’s far more common than you think.

People don’t mention it for understandable reasons.

Sendsystemsucks · 10/04/2021 22:36

Erm mine fund my car and a few of the big child expenses. It helps and it was their offer.

eatsleepread · 10/04/2021 22:37

Not historically, no. However my dad recently started giving me £100 a month toward school fees, for which I'm very grateful.

My mum isn't a giving person anyway, in terms of money or her time, so this isn't something she would ever offer.

2pinkginsplease · 10/04/2021 22:39

When Fil died mil gave each of her children 4k we still have it in the bank.

As for my mum I’ve told her to enjoy her money and spend it, you can’t take it with you and if she’s left money my sibling would used it to top up their addiction, so it would be wasted,

eatsleepread · 10/04/2021 22:40

But I must admit, I would feel very uncomfortable accepting some of the contributions I've read about on here Confused
I guess I've always felt that grown adults should be self-sufficient.