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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do your parents / PIL give you money?

402 replies

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2021 18:58

I’m not sure what I’m asking really but here goes.

My DH and I are comfortably off, good professional jobs and a nice lifestyle. We’re not loaded but we live in SW London and have been largely unaffected by the pandemic.

I don’t have parents anymore and my upbringing was dysfunctional so I’m not sure how normal parents behave.

DH’s parents keep giving us money - fairly large sums. We never ask for it and don’t ‘need’ it but it’s usually for something as a gift. Eg. We needed a new front door. We were saving for it but they said they’d like to buy it. Then they thought the porch needed doing (it did) so offered to pay for that too.

Now MIL wants to talk to me and I know she’s going to offer to pay for a new patio as I was talking to her about getting it priced up and saving for it.

PIL are very nice, kind and VERY easygoing people. They don’t try to control us or anything. I think they just want to spread their good fortune a bit but it feels odd somehow?

I’m 43 - surely parents stop this stuff if you’re old and solvent as we are?

So YABU - parents like to do this if they can - just enjoy it.

YANBU - it’s unusual and no parents I know fund their solvent adults home improvements so you should stop taking the money

OP posts:
SimonJT · 10/04/2021 16:05

Yes, my partner has dropped down to working four days a week compressed, so he only actually loses four hours pay per week, so not a huge amount. He also lives with me now so that has hugely reduced his outgoings as he isn’t paying for a whole flat etc, he has just sold his flat as well, so his bank balance is very healthy.

Despite this his parents started sending him a monthly allowance, he has a good job and hes 28! They’re convinced hes hard up, so every month he sends the allowance back, he did tell them if they send it again next month he’ll donate it to a charity for something they dislike 🤣

Member984815 · 10/04/2021 16:44

I don't know anyone who gets large sums from parents , but if it's something they want to do why not allow them to do it.

BigPaperBag · 10/04/2021 16:47

We get given money regularly. Latest gift was £2k from MIL about a month ago. She has basically said that when she was younger, her mum helped her so it’s her pleasure to pay it forward. When we’re older and more financially settled, hopefully we’ll be able to help our kids out like this.

ufucoffee · 10/04/2021 16:56

After reading this thread and me saying I don't give my children anything, I read up on inheritance tax and realised we are nowhere near rich enough for it to be a problem. Also we still have a mortgage and will be working well into our 60's so I now realise we are considerably poorer than lots of people's parents on here so I don't feel as bad Smile

nanbread · 10/04/2021 17:05

We don't have this but know quite a few friends who've had EXTREMELY generous gifts (think hundreds of thousands of pounds worth) from their DPs, others who live in property owned by parents or given property, paid deposits etc.

ElevenBells · 10/04/2021 17:13

It all depends on your upbringing. I grew up in poverty. Parents would no way be able to give money now, in fact they get in to debt every Christmas trying to get their grandchildren gifts which I wish they wouldn’t. As a result I am very independent (but by no means well off) and am amazed that people would accept large amounts of money from parents. DP parents aren’t rich but do often buy kids clothes etc. Even this makes me feel very uncomfortable . I have friends who are 40+ who are on good salaries who still receive a monthly allowance from their parents. Also get assistance with any major purchases and holidays paid for each year. To be honest I’m embarrassed on their behalf.

But then maybe i’d feel differently if I had a more privileged background . It’s all subjective.

contraversial2021 · 10/04/2021 17:14

My mum is in her nineties and she still buys my shoes for me ( she helps me choose them)

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 10/04/2021 17:24

I think in functional families parents help where they can.

My parents aren't well off but loaned me their inheritance when my GPS died to buy a flat so that DD and I would be secure. I'm paying them back as they can't afford to give it as a gift. They do provide childcare and do the school run for me and my dad does any DIY I need.

I earn more than both of them so have an additional standing order that goes to my mum to ease things financially as she had to step down from her work role into a nonmanagerial role.

So I think in a functional family you help each other out where you can. It ceases to be functional when people start expecting handouts though or resent the other.

shallIswim · 10/04/2021 17:50

Think a lot depends on family dynamics. I have had help from parents in the past. My sister tho treats them like a cash cow - cars for her kids and step kids, bridging lab for a 2.5m house while the other one sells, paying for secind big fat wedding and furniture for new house. Money for a boat. Endless - began as a student when she got bought a house. I was offered and said no. And I think the message has gotten through that I am 'doggedly independent'. I look at sister and think how can you LiVE with yourself - basically never having had to save or strive for anything?
Have your husbands had no self respect either? But she is fine with it and I guess I ought to be too. But it makes me think far less of her, which isn't nice is it?
So what I'm saying is, even if it is normalised it can lead to relationship problems in families

SpeckledyHen · 10/04/2021 17:59

My PIL (80 & 85) are giving us money to avoid inheritance tax. We are also giving our adult sons money for property deposits for the same reason . We are matching their savings £ for £ .

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 18:10

A lot of parents like to see their children enjoying their money while they are still alive (the parents' money while the parents are alive); it gives them pleasure so why not? I expect you will want to treat your children too.

Sceptre86 · 10/04/2021 18:10

Ours don't but neither set are wealthy and I would be embarrassed to take it. I think kids should support their parents when they get older (finances dependant of course) not the other way around but then I have an asian background and that affects my thinking. My mum has given me bits of her jewellery that are part of my inheritance and her thinking is that she wants to see me wear it and enjoy it, which is very kind even though I would rather she wear it herself. My mil has also started to give some of her jewellery to my dd, her only granddaughter (she is only 5) as she wants to divide it up whilst she is here.

Ultimately we don't get to tell them what to do with their money, so if your pills gift it to you, you have nothing to be embarrassed about and should enjoy it.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 10/04/2021 18:13

@Sceptre86

Ours don't but neither set are wealthy and I would be embarrassed to take it. I think kids should support their parents when they get older (finances dependant of course) not the other way around but then I have an asian background and that affects my thinking. My mum has given me bits of her jewellery that are part of my inheritance and her thinking is that she wants to see me wear it and enjoy it, which is very kind even though I would rather she wear it herself. My mil has also started to give some of her jewellery to my dd, her only granddaughter (she is only 5) as she wants to divide it up whilst she is here.

Ultimately we don't get to tell them what to do with their money, so if your pills gift it to you, you have nothing to be embarrassed about and should enjoy it.

It would be really weird if we tried to support my dad when he has about 3x the income that we have. Ours supports 5 people and his supports 1!
toconclude · 10/04/2021 18:18

@flippertygibbit

DGM care home costs for over £250k on care home costs (5 years). Worth every penny knowing she was safe. Usual story though - person sitting next to her paid £0. DGM would have been horrified to know the pot was nearly empty when she died and her only child was left with nothing.

Take it and enjoy it whilst they're able to see you enjoying it.

I inherited quite a bit from my DF and I'm happily doing as your PIL are doing.

Person sitting next to her did NOT pay £0. All their pension and attendance allowance would have gone towards their care save about £25-30 a week for basic personal expenses like clothes and toiletries. It's govt. regulations and has been for years. I do wish people would stop trotting out this tosh.
SpnBaby1967 · 10/04/2021 18:31

My parents are broke.

My in laws are millionaires but on the one occasion we needed money amounting to £300 they moaned and made us pay it back over the next 2 months.

Havent seen another cent since and doubt we will until they both shuffle off this mortal coil.

Annoyingly one of the reasons they are so wealthy is because my gran in law gifted them her extremely sizeable inheritance over the last 20 years to avoid the inheritance tax.

But it's their money, and we have survived this long without their help Grin

KeyboardWorriers · 10/04/2021 18:35

@Sceptre86 I think the "finances dependent" bit is key. My parents live in a vast property and are still working and earn at a guess over £150k a year between them. (They had me quite young and both love their careers).

If their circumstances were different then yes you are quite right, I would support them instead.

Happycat1212 · 10/04/2021 18:57

No, didn’t realise it was so common.

Piglet89 · 10/04/2021 19:10

My mum sends me “coffee money” in cash sellotaped to the cards she writes me. Like, £40 a time. Regularly.

I’m nearly 40!

SprungisSpringYaY · 10/04/2021 19:23

I can't understand people who have enough but don't pass it on?

Esp if people struggling...

saraclara · 10/04/2021 19:26

I think in a functional family you help each other out where you can. It ceases to be functional when people start expecting handouts though or resent the other.

Exactly. I'm very glad that I'm now in a position to help my kids. They've both been very sensible with money and been savers over the last decade. It's only in the last couple of years that I've started being able to help, and they've been very appreciative and not remotely grabby. They would never ask for or expect anything.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 10/04/2021 19:27

Can we swap? Mil is that tight she squeaks

Troublewaters2021 · 10/04/2021 19:52

My parents have me 50k when my daughter fell very ill a few years ago now so that I could take some time of work.
I earn well but we know If anything they will give us money if needed ( they are wealthy )
They have offered after daughter dell recently to pay for private physio etc

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 20:28

@Piglet89

My mum sends me “coffee money” in cash sellotaped to the cards she writes me. Like, £40 a time. Regularly.

I’m nearly 40!

That is lovely, Piglet :-). Really sweet.

My mother was like that; she didn't have a lot but what she had she shared.

I hope I am like that too.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 10/04/2021 20:31

My grandma sends me ‘wine vouchers’ in a card regularly (a £20 note!)

Darbs76 · 10/04/2021 20:34

I hope I can treat my kids when they are older. I don’t understand the mentality of making kids earn every single thing themselves. As long as they are peeing money up the wall I’ll help them out if I’m able to