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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters wedding

154 replies

MrsC1990 · 09/04/2021 07:51

Hi everyone in new here. I was looking for some advice please. My sister is getting married this year and due to Covid she's saying if she cuts numbers for the wedding then first people she will be asking nit to come will be partners of us 4 siblings. I'm the only one out of the 5 of us siblings who is married. I've been married to my husband for 8yrs and we have a 3 Yr old son. The other siblings all have partners who they have been with for a while and all have children. The two boys partners have already said they won't go to the wedding becais they don't really get on with my sister and the youngest sisters fiancee have said the same. So out of us 4 siblings it's just my husband who tries to get along with her and she has said if she got to cut numbers she would rather have people like old school friends and distant relatives who haven't bothered for years with us since our parents split 20yrs ago. I have thought that if she has to definitely cut numbers and if my son and husband can't go then I'm not going to go either. Not out of spite or anything like that I just feel that I don't want to go alone and my priorities are to my son and husband right? Plus I should point out that when me n my husband got married she was 18 and living at home with my mum n stepfather and they didn't agree with my marriage to a man of a different race to me at the time. Not that he's a bad man or anything. They just didn't want it but it's my life and I love him he's good to me and mour son. So she never came to my wedding either. As I say its not tit for tat or anything like that I just feel if my husband and son are uninvited I don't want to go. Can i get some advice please thanks in advance

OP posts:
Illy605 · 09/04/2021 12:54

Sounds pretty tit for tat to me.

You’re not going to her wedding because she didn’t come to yours and she’s said no partners to cut numbers. It sounds spiteful. Sorry.

NeverMetANiceOne · 09/04/2021 12:58

"I can handle going without my husband and my son but I don't feel I should have to.im just saying was invited as a family from when she started planning her wedding."

You don't see how the situation has changed at all since she started planning her wedding? Really?

FFS, stop being such a nasty self-indulgent guestzilla. I can't imagine for a second that your sister really wanted to have to uninvite practically all of her guests, she probably didn't really want to be getting married in a pandemic.

Notaroadrunner · 09/04/2021 13:05

she would rather have people like old school friends and distant relatives who haven't bothered for years with us since our parents split 20yrs ago

While I'd be fine with her inviting close friends over my Dh, I would not be happy if she was inviting distant relatives. So if she did go ahead with inviting distant relatives who she won't have seen in years and leaves your Dh out, then I'd definitely give it a miss.

SoEverybodyDance · 09/04/2021 13:12

You should just go and celebrate her wedding on her day. It will stand you in good order for a better relationship with your sister for the rest of your life. These passage of life events are really important - as you point out. She didn't come to yours, probably because she was under your parents control at the time. It was wounding to you obviously because you brought it up. Don't elevate all the small difficulties you have with her into something big by not attending.

BluesInTheSun · 09/04/2021 13:43

It’s her wedding so she can invite who she wishes, there’s nothing for you to be offended about on that score. Equally it’s perfectly fair for you to choose not to attend if you don’t want to. She should understand that considering she chose to be complicit with the racists when the situation was reversed.

nanbread · 09/04/2021 13:47

OP if you're after kindness and no judgement then AIBU probably the worst place to ask!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2021 13:48

The distant relative prioritising thing is blindingly obvious.
As an example :
2 spaces left
Siblings partners plus children (let's say 2pc) = 15 people
Distant relatives = 2

Of course she can't invite your dh and ds if she's not inviting her other sibling in laws and dns.

I also think, you are doing this out of spite. Own it if so.

pretentiousrubberduck · 09/04/2021 14:08

My SIL was supposed to get married last September. They ended up pushing it back a year, but when they were looking at their options and deciding if they could cut numbers down, I offered not to go. She was adamant that she wanted me and her nephews there, but I would have completely understood if she just went for parents and siblings only. Her and her fiance are both 1 of 4, so there's lots of family to consider! I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It sounds like all your siblings are in relationships as serious as yours, whether they're married or not, so she's not singling your DH out. And it's a bit sad that you can't even go out for one afternoon/evening without your DH and child going with you, especially as all your siblings and parents will be there.

MixedUpFiles · 09/04/2021 14:09

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t attend if my husband was excluded, but these aren’t normal circumstances.

We need more details though

Op isn’t clear on who these distant relatives are. Are they the grandparents? Then I think they would rank above spouse? Are they 3rd cousins, then probably not.

Also, how small is small? If the sister has to get her count to 15 and there are 5 siblings then bride and groom plus 4 siblings and partners is already at 10. So partners are an obvious cut.
If the wedding is just down from 300 to 100, then we might be back to an offensive snub.

saraclara · 09/04/2021 14:42

You sound extremely petty and immature. Are you seriously not able to be apart from your husband and son for half a day?! Are you a package deal? Must do everything together?

We’re in a bloody pandemic and her wedding plans have been shattered. She is trying to make the best of the situation and you’re kicking up a fuss because there isn’t enough space to invite your husband. It’s her wedding, stop making it about you. Seriously!

Exactly. All I hear in your posts, OP, is "me. me me"
My daughter's wedding was in the summer before lockdown. I can't imagine how upsetting it would have been if it had been planned for a year later.
I'm absolutely certain that everyone in our family and her friendship group would have wanted to support her, and accept whatever difficult choices she had to make.

One day...maybe it's even half a day, without your husband and son, isn't 'disloyalty'. It's support for your sister. She can't treat your DH and DS differently from the rest, and if she invited all the siblings, partners and children, she'd barely have room for anyone else.

P1ainJanine · 09/04/2021 15:01

If I were in your shoes, I'd accept her conditions but plan to have a bad migraine the day before and the day of her wedding, and pull out as soon as it starts. That way she has 24 hours to fill your seat, and you don't have to bother going.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 15:04

@P1ainJanine

If I were in your shoes, I'd accept her conditions but plan to have a bad migraine the day before and the day of her wedding, and pull out as soon as it starts. That way she has 24 hours to fill your seat, and you don't have to bother going.
You’d have to be a pretty rotten person to do that.
arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2021 15:08

Really @P1ainJanine? What a horrible thing to do, or to even think about doing.

MsHedgehog · 09/04/2021 15:08

@P1ainJanine Well you’re a lovely person aren’t you?!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 15:14

@MixedUpFiles

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t attend if my husband was excluded, but these aren’t normal circumstances.

We need more details though

Op isn’t clear on who these distant relatives are. Are they the grandparents? Then I think they would rank above spouse? Are they 3rd cousins, then probably not.

Also, how small is small? If the sister has to get her count to 15 and there are 5 siblings then bride and groom plus 4 siblings and partners is already at 10. So partners are an obvious cut.
If the wedding is just down from 300 to 100, then we might be back to an offensive snub.

But it isn’t as simple as ‘Spouse vs distant cousin’. It’s FOUR spouses on the bride’s side alone. OP says all her siblings have children. Even if they only have one child each, that’s eight guests - before you even consider that the groom may have siblings with spouses and children too. A blanket ‘no partners’ is a tough rule to make, but a fair one. What the OP wants is special treatment.
choli · 09/04/2021 15:22

What an unpleasant lot!

SunAndSea37 · 09/04/2021 15:35

Seriously don't take it personally. I had to have a covid wedding and my beloved nieces couldn't see me get married because I didn't think it was fair to exclude only some nieces/nephews, but just no way to have them all when you have so few spots. It sucked. My BiL was actually kind enough to step down himself so I could have one of my bridal party come.

saraclara · 09/04/2021 15:35

I can handle going without my husband and my son but I don't feel I should have to

I imagine that she doesn't feel she should have to cut her original guest list down to a very few, either. Or watch any of her other wedding plans turn to dust. But she has no choice.

You appear to be entirely without empathy or kindness, OP.

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/04/2021 15:39

I’m just saying was invited as a family from when she started planning her wedding

Oh than what happened and global pandemic? And that changed the laws are puns large group gatherings but hey, all that doesn’t apply to you and yours does it?

cheeseandpicklesandie · 09/04/2021 16:05

I think it's rude, are you saying she is still having distant relatives but not spouses / partners of close relatives? It's unkind you are a family and sound close despite the situation with your wedding.

Just don't go.

ChristmasFluff · 09/04/2021 16:17

Lok, she didn't go to your wedding, you don't sound like you particularly like her and you are annoyed your partner and child can't go.

Decline the invitation and allow her to invite someone else. Easy

ChristmasFluff · 09/04/2021 16:19

And if I'd been living with racist parents at 18, I'd absolutely have gone to my sister's wedding. Unless I was a racist.

You are losing nothing, OP in declining the invite

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 16:39

Generally I would think it very strange not to invite your siblings' partners but we have Covid and that has changed everything. If your sister's marriage is planned to happen while restrictions are still in place, she has little choice but to restrict numbers. It isn't a snub, she would probably like to invite everyone in 'normal' times.

If I was her I would get married quietly and have a big party later on when restrictions are lifted. However she is not me so it's up to her and her partner.

Cadent · 09/04/2021 18:04

You had me racist. Fuck her, stay home with your husband and dc.

YouAreYourBestThing · 09/04/2021 18:13

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