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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sisters wedding

154 replies

MrsC1990 · 09/04/2021 07:51

Hi everyone in new here. I was looking for some advice please. My sister is getting married this year and due to Covid she's saying if she cuts numbers for the wedding then first people she will be asking nit to come will be partners of us 4 siblings. I'm the only one out of the 5 of us siblings who is married. I've been married to my husband for 8yrs and we have a 3 Yr old son. The other siblings all have partners who they have been with for a while and all have children. The two boys partners have already said they won't go to the wedding becais they don't really get on with my sister and the youngest sisters fiancee have said the same. So out of us 4 siblings it's just my husband who tries to get along with her and she has said if she got to cut numbers she would rather have people like old school friends and distant relatives who haven't bothered for years with us since our parents split 20yrs ago. I have thought that if she has to definitely cut numbers and if my son and husband can't go then I'm not going to go either. Not out of spite or anything like that I just feel that I don't want to go alone and my priorities are to my son and husband right? Plus I should point out that when me n my husband got married she was 18 and living at home with my mum n stepfather and they didn't agree with my marriage to a man of a different race to me at the time. Not that he's a bad man or anything. They just didn't want it but it's my life and I love him he's good to me and mour son. So she never came to my wedding either. As I say its not tit for tat or anything like that I just feel if my husband and son are uninvited I don't want to go. Can i get some advice please thanks in advance

OP posts:

ancientgran · 09/04/2021 10:25

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Depends doesn't it. For me when my children were little and i was working fulltime weekends with my children was more important than someone else's wedding. So perfectly reasonable to prioritise my family.

‘Someone else’s wedding’? It’s not Janice from Accounts who only invited her because she had to invite the whole team - it’s her bloody sister!

For all you know she is closer to Janice from accounts than she is to her sister, bloody or otherwise. Not all families are like the Waltons you know.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 10:33

Well it’s interesting you say that, @ancientgran - because quite a few people have said the sister is wrong to prioritise ‘distant’ relatives over the OP’s husband. Maybe SHE is closer to those distant relatives that someone she only had a relationship with because of her sister. Where do you stand on that?

CokeDrinker · 09/04/2021 10:33

@emilyjane29 She deserves to be surrounded by the people she is most closest too

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 10:37

[quote CokeDrinker]**@emilyjane29* She deserves to be surrounded by the people she is most closest too*

I have a perfectly amicable relationship with my BIL... but ‘close’? Not at all. Literally the only thing we have in common is that my sister and his wife happen to be the same person. That doesn’t mean I hate the sight of him, but our relationship is totally based around another person.

CokeDrinker · 09/04/2021 10:37

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Well it’s interesting you say that, *@ancientgran* - because quite a few people have said the sister is wrong to prioritise ‘distant’ relatives over the OP’s husband. Maybe SHE is closer to those distant relatives that someone she only had a relationship with because of her sister. Where do you stand on that?

Clearly the sister is NOT closer to the distant relatives as the OP said they never bother with each other.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 10:40

The OP is upset because her husband might not be invited. She might not be the most reliable witness as to how close the bride is to said relatives.

Crazycrazylady · 09/04/2021 10:43

Op
I can't believe that you're contemplating missing you sisters wedding because you're such a wet fish that you 'just don't want to go without them'
Don't go then. Let her give the spot to someone who is just happy to see her get married.

C152 · 09/04/2021 10:47

@KoalaOok

It's up to you if you accept the invitation or not but it's not up to you to decide who she should invite

Agree with this.

moochingtothepub · 09/04/2021 11:00

If she's reduced to 15 (and that includes the bride and groom remember) and has 4 sisters it's completely understandable she can't have your partners or children there. That's only 6/7 guests each remember. I know you have a backstory but be understanding

Saltyslug · 09/04/2021 11:04

Sister has had to minimise numbers, it would be unfair to pick fault with how she does this. It’s tricky enough

GojiberryStar · 09/04/2021 11:14

These threads make me roll my eyes and feel so grateful that my family is so dysfunctional that this wouldn't even be a thing.

"she never came to my wedding"

"It's not tit for tat"

This is the biggest contradiction I've seen on here all week.

Just bloody decline and let her invite a friend. Then you can ponder on your tit for tat reasons in the future when you look back on this.

Pedalpushers · 09/04/2021 11:15

Do you not see that in minimising numbers, it is far easier to invite a couple of more distant relatives than invite 1. Your DH, who then means probably 2. Your DC and then 3. Your siblings partners and their DC because otherwise it would be unfair, and before you know it the guest list is huge. If I had to cut wedding numbers to 15 due to Covid, my DH's siblings, partners and children would take up the entire guest list. Have some empathy for someone dealing with a situation you never had to.

IJustLikeBiscuitsOK · 09/04/2021 11:26

@StillCoughingandLaughing Janice from Accounts, I can't. That's killed me off. Comment of the day.

emilyjane29 · 09/04/2021 11:32

[quote CokeDrinker]**@emilyjane29* She deserves to be surrounded by the people she is most closest too*

How is inviting some distant relative that you haven't seen or spoken to except once or twice in 20 years, 'being surrounded by the people she is most closest to'? Wouldn't she invite her own BIL rather than some stranger she only knows of vaguely due to some relative somewhere down the line?[/quote]
Who on earth is the OP to dictate who her sister is closest to? That's ridiculous for her to even sit and judge who is invited. Her sister can invite whoever she wants to, it's her wedding. Some of my "old school friends" mean the absolute world to me and I'd have them at my wedding over a brother in law if I had to make the choice, even though we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to because of distance etc.

Her sister doesn't need to justify anything. Her wedding, her guest list. End of.

Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 11:35

YABU. It’s your sister. It sounds like she’s decided to try and be fair and avoid problems by putting a blanket ban on partners if numbers are restricted rather that say A I like your partner so they can come but the rest of you no thanks. You should go to her wedding alone.

Dipi79 · 09/04/2021 11:48

YANBU to feel as you do, given that family dynamics sound complex, but it's her wedding and, with numbers being limited by CoVid, she and husband to be are more than entitled to choose attendees as they see fit.
It sounds as though past hurt is impacting upon how you are feeling about your sister's decision around revision of attendees.
Gently said, OP, suck it up and go. Or, if you decide not to attend, be prepared for even more problematic family dynamics.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

Lassy1945 · 09/04/2021 12:25

@StillCoughingandLaughing

* For all you know she is closer to Janice from accounts than she is to her sister, bloody or otherwise. Not all families are like the Waltons you know.*

Well then why should the OP think it’s reasonable 20% of the permitted invitees from her sister’s side should go to her, her husband and her child?

OverTheRainbow88 · 09/04/2021 12:28

I would happily go to my Siblings wedding without my Husband and kids.
Would probably relax and enjoy it far more!

NailsNeedDoing · 09/04/2021 12:29

If she didn’t invite your husband for any other reason apart from covid restrictions, then I’d agree with you that your priority should be your husband and son. But considering the circumstances, it comes across as petty to refuse the invitation to your own sisters wedding.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 12:31

She's been fair and treated all siblings the same in terms of no partners 🤷‍♀️ so yes you sound petty

Anon778833 · 09/04/2021 12:32

It sounds like your family are bigoted about you being married to a person of colour. And that in the back of your mind you’re feeling that could be the reason.

So on that basis YANBU. Sorry you have racist family to contend with.

EL8888 · 09/04/2021 12:34

Her wedding, her choice. I don’t think it’s your place to make judgements on how close she is or isn’t to other family members. Or who she invites to her wedding. Numbers are limited due to the pandemic and she can’t invite everyone

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/04/2021 12:40

You need to decide why you can’t manage to go without your husband?

Your family will all be there so it’s not as if you don’t know anyone, so what’s the problem?

THEDEACON · 09/04/2021 12:47

YANBU I wouldn't go if my husband wasn't invited

Tistheseason17 · 09/04/2021 12:54

If I had a wonderful relationship with my DSis, I'd go alone.

If I didn't- I wouldn't go at all whether DH invited or not.

Do what you want to do. An invite is not a demand. You can politely decline and send best wishes. I would.

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