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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sisters wedding

154 replies

MrsC1990 · 09/04/2021 07:51

Hi everyone in new here. I was looking for some advice please. My sister is getting married this year and due to Covid she's saying if she cuts numbers for the wedding then first people she will be asking nit to come will be partners of us 4 siblings. I'm the only one out of the 5 of us siblings who is married. I've been married to my husband for 8yrs and we have a 3 Yr old son. The other siblings all have partners who they have been with for a while and all have children. The two boys partners have already said they won't go to the wedding becais they don't really get on with my sister and the youngest sisters fiancee have said the same. So out of us 4 siblings it's just my husband who tries to get along with her and she has said if she got to cut numbers she would rather have people like old school friends and distant relatives who haven't bothered for years with us since our parents split 20yrs ago. I have thought that if she has to definitely cut numbers and if my son and husband can't go then I'm not going to go either. Not out of spite or anything like that I just feel that I don't want to go alone and my priorities are to my son and husband right? Plus I should point out that when me n my husband got married she was 18 and living at home with my mum n stepfather and they didn't agree with my marriage to a man of a different race to me at the time. Not that he's a bad man or anything. They just didn't want it but it's my life and I love him he's good to me and mour son. So she never came to my wedding either. As I say its not tit for tat or anything like that I just feel if my husband and son are uninvited I don't want to go. Can i get some advice please thanks in advance

OP posts:

Iheartbed · 09/04/2021 08:44

It’s your sisters big day. Just go without your husband.

wingingit987 · 09/04/2021 08:46

Sounds like you didn't really want to go in the first place and this is your excuse

rainbowstardrops · 09/04/2021 08:49

Your sister most probably can't have the wedding that she dreamed of because of Covid and that must be incredibly difficult. Please don't make it even more difficult and stressful for her.
I'm sure you can make her day as special as possible without needing your husband right by your side. So yes, YABU

Overthebow · 09/04/2021 08:49

In a normal situation I would say you are right, but this isn’t a normal situation. Your sister is being sensible coming up with a plan in case of restrictions. She might be forced to cut the numbers and your DH probably isn’t a priority for her.

Wiredforsound · 09/04/2021 08:53

I think she’s made a pretty sensible decision. I’ll bet your husband is pleased to be out of it and you have childcare for your son. That’s a win win.

Felifox · 09/04/2021 08:59

Unfortunately its a result of the pandemic but if you go you'd be with your siblings. So that's the way to look at it. You know she's having to restrict numbers.

Newkitchen123 · 09/04/2021 09:00

If you don't want to go alone that's your choice.
Her wedding and she's been put in a difficult position already. Why are you making it harder for her?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 09:01

@MrsC1990

Hi, I think some of you are getting the wrong impression of me. Some of you have said that I can't handle going without him and I shouldn't try to make it about me n him and I shouldn't decide who comes to her wedding. I'm not trying to do any of that. I know it's hard for her during the pandemic with the wedding planning we talk all the time and she tells me how it's made her feel and I truelly feel awful for her. I can handle going without my husband and my son but I don't feel I should have to.im just saying was invited as a family from when she started planning her wedding. I wasn't asking for some of the judgy comments and unkindness that I can feel already. I was being genuine and tryinbg to discuss my feelings. She's my sister. I love her but I don't want to go without him. I guess unless you know the family you might not understand the dynamics of it.

Oh, here we go. Everyone is being ‘unkind’ and ‘judgey’ - all the terms that get trotted out when an OP doesn’t get blind agreement from all posters.

YOU don’t feel YOU should have to go to a wedding without your partner and child. You, you, you seems to be something of a theme here. If you really feel awful for your sister because she’s struggling to cope with organising a wedding at a horrendous time, don’t be the one who makes it worse by chiming in with demands about who gets an invite - demands that amount to little more than ‘But what about meeeee?’

You don’t get to decide who gets invited. You only get to decide what you do with your invitation.

Bimblybomeyelash · 09/04/2021 09:02

I do usually think ‘their wedding , their choice’ with regards to guest lists. But I think it’s odd to have a day that is all about celebrating a marriage, but to then not invite married partners of guests. Surely the person getting married must think that being married is different to just bf/gf, and must think that being married is special/important in some way, because they are asking people to spend the day watching them get married. So to not invite your own sisters husband just seems strange, like ‘MY marriage is significant/special/important but yours isn’t”.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 09:02

@Felifox

Unfortunately its a result of the pandemic but if you go you'd be with your siblings. So that's the way to look at it. You know she's having to restrict numbers.

Exactly - none of whom will be taking their partners either.

Umbivalent · 09/04/2021 09:04

Just go to the wedding without them. It's one tiny day in your life, one big one in hers.

KoalaOok · 09/04/2021 09:08

She probably assumed you'd all be able to cope one day without your partners and be able to hang around together. If you can't manage that for your sister maybe she isn't that important to you.

KoalaOok · 09/04/2021 09:10

If it was only you singled out to not bring a partner I'd think differently.

Nith · 09/04/2021 09:17

If your sister had invited your husband, how could she have justified not inviting other partners?

EverythingRuined · 09/04/2021 09:23

Sorry but it's another YABU. It does sound like you are doing it a bit tit-for-tat otherwise why would you have mentioned it??

Why not see it as a good chance to catch up with your siblings and other family members. You must see that her and her husband are going to struggle to have so few people. How many siblings has her partner? If you add up the total of sibling partners then it could add a lot to the numbers.
I think you should just go and enjoy yourself! This has been such a crap year for so many people. Everyone needs to try and be positive and forgiving. Make a decision to enjoy it.

Your husband and child can have their own fun day.
Her not coming to your wedding when your parents didn't and she was living with them isn't great but it was a while ago.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 09/04/2021 09:24

How odd that you focus on being the only one married whilst your other siblings have partners and DC. Lots of people have family units and are not married. Why does that mean you should all be invited and they not. You have a strange logic. Your sister has said no partners/ DH. That’s it due to covid restrictions so either go or don’t. Stop dragging out possible old excuses as by the sounds of it you are in touch with her a lot and your simply pissed off that your hubby can’t come

ancientgran · 09/04/2021 09:26

Don't go, it isn't the biggest deal in the world. I didn't go to one of my siblings weddings, wasn't a particularly popular decision but the world kept turning. We are still in contact, not close but we never were.

icdtap · 09/04/2021 09:27

I think YABU.
It's her wedding and her choice who to invite. With COVID restriction she will have to make harsh choice about who is invited and who isn't.
Your other siblings have partners they have been with for a while and children with them so it's not like they are just random bfs and gfs who've been around for a few months.
The fairest thing for your sister to say is that none of the partners/husbands of siblings are invited because she isn't as close to them as she would be to her close friends. If the partners come then her friends can't.

If you don't want to go without your husband and child then that's your decision but let her know asap that you won't be going so that she can invite someone else.

inappropriateraspberry · 09/04/2021 09:27

Her wedding, her decision. Up to you if you go or not, but I wouldn't say you'd be alone - your sisters and parents would be there!

Icantrememebrtheartist · 09/04/2021 09:28

You say it isn’t out of spite or tit for tat but it is otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it.

My friend got married when only 16 people were allowed and her brother and sister attended without their partners or children.

If you wanted to be there for your sister you would go. Your loyalty is not to your husband and son on this occasion, it’s simply a wedding!! Not a life and death situation!

DenisetheMenace · 09/04/2021 09:31

She’s perfectly reasonable inviting who she wants to to her wedding.
You’re perfectly reasonable to decline, which is what I would do.

Wouldn’t have any hard feelings because of it and wouldn’t expect any back, either.

OllyBJolly · 09/04/2021 09:31

my priorities are to my son and husband right?

WTF has this got to do with attending a family wedding? You're being unbelievably petty. She's cutting numbers to close family and friends. Every "partner" subtracts someone she really wants to have their.

It's not your wedding. It's not about you.

Lassy1945 · 09/04/2021 09:32

You’re clearly not close
Clearly lots of issues

I suspect you don’t want to go really and this will give you a good reason.

Fair enough. Just say you are grateful for the invite and you understand her stance re inciting partners but you do not plan to attend with your partner and son.

Leave as that

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/04/2021 09:32

I think your sister cant do right for doing wrong in this situation. Even in non covid times, people might have to say, we can invite uncles and aunts but no cousins (cos there's 20 of them). Sounding out inviting siblings but not partners is not unreasonable. If the limit is 30, a quarter is taken up just with you lot, let alone any siblings that her partner has.
Whatever the back story is, take the high ground. Go and have a good time with your siblings.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2021 09:33

If she invites you, ds and DH she has to invite them for all the siblings. You say that the others have said they wouldn't go buy she can't guarantee that, they might decide to after all. So that's 4 adults and ?+ kids. That's a lot of friends she has to cut so you don't have to go without him because "you're married now and you should never have to do anything alone, unlike the siblings who didn't get married"

I assume you don't have a decent relationship with any of your siblings or your parents, what about the extended family she's inviting?

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