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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sisters wedding

154 replies

MrsC1990 · 09/04/2021 07:51

Hi everyone in new here. I was looking for some advice please. My sister is getting married this year and due to Covid she's saying if she cuts numbers for the wedding then first people she will be asking nit to come will be partners of us 4 siblings. I'm the only one out of the 5 of us siblings who is married. I've been married to my husband for 8yrs and we have a 3 Yr old son. The other siblings all have partners who they have been with for a while and all have children. The two boys partners have already said they won't go to the wedding becais they don't really get on with my sister and the youngest sisters fiancee have said the same. So out of us 4 siblings it's just my husband who tries to get along with her and she has said if she got to cut numbers she would rather have people like old school friends and distant relatives who haven't bothered for years with us since our parents split 20yrs ago. I have thought that if she has to definitely cut numbers and if my son and husband can't go then I'm not going to go either. Not out of spite or anything like that I just feel that I don't want to go alone and my priorities are to my son and husband right? Plus I should point out that when me n my husband got married she was 18 and living at home with my mum n stepfather and they didn't agree with my marriage to a man of a different race to me at the time. Not that he's a bad man or anything. They just didn't want it but it's my life and I love him he's good to me and mour son. So she never came to my wedding either. As I say its not tit for tat or anything like that I just feel if my husband and son are uninvited I don't want to go. Can i get some advice please thanks in advance

OP posts:

MsHedgehog · 09/04/2021 09:35

A huge YABU.

You sound extremely petty and immature. Are you seriously not able to be apart from your husband and son for half a day?! Are you a package deal? Must do everything together?

We’re in a bloody pandemic and her wedding plans have been shattered. She is trying to make the best of the situation and you’re kicking up a fuss because there isn’t enough space to invite your husband. It’s her wedding, stop making it about you. Seriously!

And you are clearly playing tit for tat! Why else mention what happened with your wedding when she was only 18.

Maybe you just shouldn’t go at all...clearly she’s better off without having such a petty and spiteful sister in a strop on her wedding day.

drpet49 · 09/04/2021 09:38

YANBU

* PPs seem to be missing the point that she’s inviting old school friends & distant relatives who she has little/ no contact with over immediate family.*

^This. She isn’t inviting her sisters husband of 8 years but is inviting people she has barely spoken to in 20 years. Sister is obviously making a point that her husband is not welcome.

TommytheSquirrell · 09/04/2021 09:38

Honestly it sounds like your making more of a drama out of a tough situation for her. It’s a hard time to get married and include everyone you love.

I got married in the pandemic, all my siblings told me not to invite their partners so long as they could be there.

If you say you love your sister you’d attend and understand she’s making difficult choices and not make it harder for her, it’s not about your family.

CokeDrinker · 09/04/2021 09:40

@Bimblybomeyelash

I do usually think ‘their wedding , their choice’ with regards to guest lists. But I think it’s odd to have a day that is all about celebrating a marriage, but to then not invite married partners of guests. Surely the person getting married must think that being married is different to just bf/gf, and must think that being married is special/important in some way, because they are asking people to spend the day watching them get married. So to not invite your own sisters husband just seems strange, like ‘MY marriage is significant/special/important but yours isn’t”.

This one hundred times over. I can understand boyfriends/girlfriends not being invited but not inviting the married couple to ......celebrate a wedding is a bit weird and contradictory. After all, that's what it's all about, isn't it? I would think priorities would have them not invite distant relatives they haven't even met/spoke to in 10 years etc rather than the SPOUSE of your own sister.

Makingnumber2 · 09/04/2021 09:42

She's your sister and if you love her and want to support her you'll go along with whatever reasonable requests she is making. In a pandemic when numbers have to be slashed her request is reasonable.

ExConstance · 09/04/2021 09:44

It was never a situation I was in but just thinking theoretically I would have preferred to see my lovely Aunty Eileen at my wedding as she was elderly, loved weddings and had been so nice to me when I was a child than my brothers then girlfriend. Brother's girlfriend was perfectly nice but I would know I had years to come to see her, whereas Aunty E. not so. Also most of the older members of my family had invited me to their childrens weddings.

LittleTiger007 · 09/04/2021 09:44

I really feel for you. She’s inviting distant friends and relations she doesn’t really know and yet she won’t let your husband and small son attend. Also she did not come to your wedding because your husband is a different colour from yourself! This man who she has now not invited to her wedding. I wouldn’t go. Hard as that would be. I agree with you my allegiance at this point would be to my husband and child.
So sorry for your messed up family op. Concentrate on your new family and maybe write to your sister wishing her a glorious day - saying that you’d love to have attended with your husband and child but as they are not invited then you are unable to attend.

MsHedgehog · 09/04/2021 09:47

@CokeDrinker

Planning a wedding in a pandemic is tad different. Doesn’t matter that a couple is married, plus ones are usually the first to go.

Also...since when do married couples get priority at a wedding just because they’re married?

I also suspect OP is massively exaggerating the guest list. Not surprising that you may need to invite an aunt you haven’t spoken to often over the partner of a sibling.

Lassy1945 · 09/04/2021 09:48

So if she’s cutting numbers for covid it must be before 21st June (when all restrictions meant to be lifted on numbers). So she’s subject to 30 maximum. So 15 for her if they appoint 50/50

She has four siblings, her parents are divorced so has parents and also step parents

So the distant relatives and friends she hasn’t seen for ages that you say are coming must total a couple at most!

WestendVBroadway · 09/04/2021 09:48

@MrsC1990, I suggest that you write a list of the people that you would invite to your own (hypothetical) wedding in the current situation, using the limited numbers allowed. Who would you invite, who would you have to cull? You may then appreciate the difficult position that your sister is in.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 09:52

@drpet49

YANBU

* PPs seem to be missing the point that she’s inviting old school friends & distant relatives who she has little/ no contact with over immediate family.*

^This. She isn’t inviting her sisters husband of 8 years but is inviting people she has barely spoken to in 20 years. Sister is obviously making a point that her husband is not welcome.

Why are you ignoring the fact that NO siblings are getting invites for their partners - IF numbers have to be restricted?

As for judging who she does invite instead, why does the OP get to decide who her sister is and isn’t close to? The two of them don’t come across as particularly close either - why would the bride be particularly attached to her sister’s spouse?

luxxlisbon · 09/04/2021 09:57

I don't really see how your priority being your husband and your son really comes into this situation. It isn't a slight on them that they aren't invited, everyone knows what the deal is with covid and wedding numbers and siblings only/ no partners is just part of the course this year.

Herewegoagain84 · 09/04/2021 10:03

I would have thought keeping close family on the list was a priority - and where I come from that includes my siblings’ spouses/LT partners. Their children are directly related to me. I would personally prioritise them over long distant relatives or friends I hadn’t seen in 20 years, so I get where you’re coming from. That said, it’s her choice as it’s her wedding - but you certainly shouldn’t feel obliged to go along with it if you don’t want to.

LooseThreads · 09/04/2021 10:05

Sister is obviously making a point that her husband is not welcome.
This thinking is why situations get blown up into dramas.

emilyjane29 · 09/04/2021 10:07

Sorry OP, but you clearly just can't be bothered going, unless it's going to exactly how you want it, which is ridiculously self centred and selfish. In my eyes, you don't care about your sister.

I love my sister, and I couldn't even comprehend the idea of not seeing her get married. I just couldn't even imagine it. My husband loves her too, but he would 100% step back and not take a place at her wedding so her friends or someone she is closer to could go. It's common courtesy. We're in a pandemic and nothing about this is fair, but in all honesty your feelings don't matter here, it is not your wedding day, it is hers.

She deserves to be surrounded by the people she is most closest too. Do you not think it would be terribly sad if your husband was there and one of her close friends wasn't because of that??

If you don't care about her day, don't go then. I imagine it'll devastate her, but hopefully then she can make sure the people there care about her and want to see her happy. Not sure that's the case with you here tbh, if you're struggling to see past your own selfish wants in all of this.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 10:10

Also she did not come to your wedding because your husband is a different colour from yourself!

That’s why the PARENTS didn’t go. Even if, at 18, the sister was in a position to stand up to her parents and say ‘I don’t think this is right’, she wasn’t necessarily in a practical or financial position to attend the wedding alone.

ancientgran · 09/04/2021 10:10

@DenisetheMenace

She’s perfectly reasonable inviting who she wants to to her wedding. You’re perfectly reasonable to decline, which is what I would do.

Wouldn’t have any hard feelings because of it and wouldn’t expect any back, either.

Exactly right.

Biker47 · 09/04/2021 10:10

I wouldn't go either, especially if shes inviting old school friends and relatives, who she hasn't bothered with in years, over partners of siblings.

NameChange2PostThis · 09/04/2021 10:10

Hi @MrsC1990 I’ve read and re-read your posts and I honestly can’t see why you are so upset.

Your sister has said that IF she has to cut numbers attending her wedding, she will cut her siblings’ partners. You may think that in her shoes, you would cut distant aunts or whatever instead, but it’s not your wedding AND you don’t know what other considerations she has eg has Old Auntie Maud already paid for accommodation? Is Uncle Tim pressuring her? Your sister potentially has some tough decisions to make.

It’s sad she wasn’t able to come to your wedding due to your parents’ racist attitudes, but as a teenager living at home I cannot imagine she had any say in this. I don’t see any connection between this, and potentially asking all sibling partners and DC to not attend due to COVID restrictions.

The fact you are married and your siblings are not is irrelevant.

Tbh many women would love to enjoy a grown up wedding celebration whilst their DH takes care of their DC at home.

You have no reason to feel snubbed or insulted by these decisions. And if you choose not to go, your sister has every right to be upset with you.

If I’m wrong it’s because there’s a massive backstory you haven’t told us.

ancientgran · 09/04/2021 10:12

@luxxlisbon

Depends doesn't it. For me when my children were little and i was working fulltime weekends with my children was more important than someone else's wedding. So perfectly reasonable to prioritise my family.

sassbott · 09/04/2021 10:14

These are the sorts of threads where I wished I knew the bride in RL. I’d tell her to bin this invite and give it to someone who would love to celebrate her big day with her.

OP, I’ve changed my mind reading your latest posts. please decline and allow someone there who will be genuinely happy to be there. Don’t take the place if you’re going to play victim and make it all about you/ suck lemons throughout the day.

SwimBaby · 09/04/2021 10:16

I’d go as she’s not inviting any of her siblings partners.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2021 10:18

‘Someone else’s wedding’? It’s not Janice from Accounts who only invited her because she had to invite the whole team - it’s her bloody sister!

pictish · 09/04/2021 10:22

It’s the “I shouldn’t have to” that reveals for me. Why not? Why shouldn’t you have to? Your siblings have accepted it.

NameChange2PostThis · 09/04/2021 10:23

@sassbott

These are the sorts of threads where I wished I knew the bride in RL. I’d tell her to bin this invite and give it to someone who would love to celebrate her big day with her.

This!

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