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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sisters wedding

154 replies

MrsC1990 · 09/04/2021 07:51

Hi everyone in new here. I was looking for some advice please. My sister is getting married this year and due to Covid she's saying if she cuts numbers for the wedding then first people she will be asking nit to come will be partners of us 4 siblings. I'm the only one out of the 5 of us siblings who is married. I've been married to my husband for 8yrs and we have a 3 Yr old son. The other siblings all have partners who they have been with for a while and all have children. The two boys partners have already said they won't go to the wedding becais they don't really get on with my sister and the youngest sisters fiancee have said the same. So out of us 4 siblings it's just my husband who tries to get along with her and she has said if she got to cut numbers she would rather have people like old school friends and distant relatives who haven't bothered for years with us since our parents split 20yrs ago. I have thought that if she has to definitely cut numbers and if my son and husband can't go then I'm not going to go either. Not out of spite or anything like that I just feel that I don't want to go alone and my priorities are to my son and husband right? Plus I should point out that when me n my husband got married she was 18 and living at home with my mum n stepfather and they didn't agree with my marriage to a man of a different race to me at the time. Not that he's a bad man or anything. They just didn't want it but it's my life and I love him he's good to me and mour son. So she never came to my wedding either. As I say its not tit for tat or anything like that I just feel if my husband and son are uninvited I don't want to go. Can i get some advice please thanks in advance

OP posts:
Sammiesnake · 09/04/2021 08:19

I’m going to a sibling’s wedding later this year. If they cut my husband from the list last minute then I won’t be going. It’s not out of spite, it’s more that it’s a real trek across country, my children are very young (and in the wedding party) and I will not be doing that on my own. Looking after them and keeping them happy all day on my own would mean not relaxing at all and I’d have to leave very early to put them in bed and sit in the hotel room alone too! The big drive on my own with the kids would put me off.

Oneeyeopen · 09/04/2021 08:19

@MrsC1990 you don't have to go to your dsis wedding but you can't tell her who to invite either.
If you have a good reason for not going then you need to be sure your dsis understands so there is no hard feelings.
Sounds tricky to me.

Thurlow · 09/04/2021 08:20

Well, if they are only allowed limited numbers then of course they are going to prioritise their friends over your DH.

Sally872 · 09/04/2021 08:21

I would never miss my sister's wedding. How can she invite your partner without hurting the other siblings and partners even more?

Who does she cut instead? Her best friend? Mother if the groom?

It isn't a personal attack. Go to your sister's wedding. It is so unkind not too. She is having to make a lot of compromises don't make it even harder.

user123456778 · 09/04/2021 08:22

The covid restrictions are shit when you are trying to get married, having to cut guest lists down is also shit. We are on our 4th date and can only have 13 guests (down from an original list of 125)

I think you are oddly taking this as a personal slight when it isn't one, she's not singled your husband out at all (as she has said the same for everyone) and it's not because she doesn't want them there, it's because she has to prioritise and partners and children can take up a lot of places

If you don't want to go for other reasons that is fine, but you are being unreasonable to trot out the ' my priorities are to my son and husband' line during a pandemic. These are not normal times, normal conventions don't come into play when you legally can't have all the people you want there.

Lets face it (unless you make a big deal about it in front of them) the 3 year old won't have any idea, and unless for some strange reason your husband is devastated then you are being quite dramatic

pictish · 09/04/2021 08:23

“I can handle going without my husband and my son but I don't feel I should have to.“

Well the numbers have to be cut because of current circumstances pertaining to the pandemic, so handle it and go. There’s no reason not to unless you’re determined to make it about what you think ‘should’ happen.

Give over.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/04/2021 08:24

I'd normally say it's very rude not to invite people's partners to a wedding but given the restrictions these days it's understandable.

Is this more about your family having a dysfunctional dynamic?

sassbott · 09/04/2021 08:27

YABU. FGS it’s your sister and it’s her day.
If it’s not going to be enjoyable, show your face, don’t drink, drive there and leave after a few hours.
Otherwise enjoy a child free day, kick back, drink, and connect with people. It’s one day/ evening!

Sally872 · 09/04/2021 08:27

Also if you had to limit wedding to 20 people would you want to use 3 spaces on your siblings partners?

In Scotland the priest, photographer and bride and groom count within the 20 so only 16 guests.

Mum497 · 09/04/2021 08:31

It does sound slightly tit for tat. At the end of the day it's your decision what you do but I do understand why she would want friends and other family members there over partners and I'd probably do the same. It's one day without your OH and son I'm sure they'd be ok?

Laggartha · 09/04/2021 08:31

What decision do you think she should have made?

If you and your DH were invited, who would have your son?

Notonthestairs · 09/04/2021 08:32

What does your husband think? Is he offended?

ittakes2 · 09/04/2021 08:33

You sound crazy sorry! With these restrictions and Covid you want your sister to give a place to a 3 year old who will have no memory of the wedding? Your husband sounds lovely but you paint a picture of him making an effort with your sister rather than him liking her. I am guessing he is not desperate to see her married if he doesn’t particularly find her easy. Don’t go if you don’t want to but don’t make her wedding about your needs ie who you want to be there with. My hubby gets on well with all my sisters and I have been with him for 21 years but he would understand if he wasn’t invited to a family wedding due to Covid restrictions.

AhNowTed · 09/04/2021 08:33

I've been to a funeral recently and the poor widower was being hassled about who was invited and who wasn't, nasty phone calls, the lot.

For gods sake your sister will have had to make some very difficult decisions.

And I would certainly prioritise friends over my siblings partners.

KoalaOok · 09/04/2021 08:33

It doesn't matter if you don't think you should have to go without your husband. She has prepared you that it might have to be no partners so she can invite the people she wants due to a pandemic. She is having to make tough decisions. That seems a good plan as that way her siblings can represent their families for them.

Notonthestairs · 09/04/2021 08:33

The reason I ask about your husband is because I wonder whether he's applying pressure on you.

Otherwise it seems a bit like you can't manage to prioritise your sibling for a few hours.

Goatsgetmygoat · 09/04/2021 08:34

Eh? Why can’t you go to a wedding without your DH? Weird. Of course she isn’t going to prioritise your DH and son, it’s her wedding

KoalaOok · 09/04/2021 08:34

AhNowTed that is awful! As if they didn't have enough to deal with

Aprilx · 09/04/2021 08:35

Sounds like tit for tat or why would you mention that she didn’t go to your wedding, she was a teenager living at home and was probably not the main decision maker anyway.

She is looking for fair ways to cut down her numbers and you are looking to make a drama over it.

Eskarina1 · 09/04/2021 08:37

Is this more because you've had to stand up for your husband with your family and insist he's been included in the past, so it's uncomfortable to accept him being excluded now?

itsgettingwierd · 09/04/2021 08:37

She can invite who she likes.

She can prioritise who she wants.

You can disagree with her choices.

You can choose whether to go or not.

If you don't want to be there - don't go.

Tinydinosaur · 09/04/2021 08:38

YABU
I'd rather have my auntie/cousin at my wedding than my sisters husband.

hellywelly3 · 09/04/2021 08:40

Enjoy having a day to yourself without your husband and child. You don’t come as a package. Go and have a nice day with your siblings

CokeDrinker · 09/04/2021 08:43

YANBU That she would prefer basic strangers in the family that she has nothing to do with, over spouses of her own siblings shows her priorities are all messed up and back to front. I wouldn't go on principle.

I wonder if her/your racist parents going is an issue, in that she thinks it would be awkward for your DH so are sacrificing him?

Lubiluxe · 09/04/2021 08:44

I would never miss my sibling's wedding for a reason like this. She's in a tricky place. Your sister at 18 was probably influenced by your parents.

I can't believe you'd miss her wedding because your husband isn't invited. We are in tricky times.