To turn a blind eye to his affair

[Notinthisworld]

Been together for 22 years, married for 12. Two pre-teens, a lot of finances together. We are comfortable with each other, however there is no desire for one another and very little sex. I suspected there was someone else 8 months ago and now I'm almost certain.

Then I would be officially saying it's "OK" iyswim.

Surely that's what you're already saying? He might not know that you know but in your head you're already telling yourself it's ok.

What happens if he decides to leave?
What happens if the ow gets pregnant?

As the phase is used repeatedly in the thread I just wanted to let people know that saying turn a blind eye is ableist language. So maybe think about what you are saying. When actually the words ignore or overlook would be fine.

www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210330-the-harmful-ableist-language-you-unknowingly-use

Also sorry about your situation op. You deserve better and by ignoring the affair it makes him think its OK. It just hands the power to him too to decide when or if he's going to eave.

I understand your motivations, but what if his affair develops into something more, which threatens the life you have with your children?
I would not turn a blind eye. At the least, set boundaries, and open your marriage with your eyes wide open.

Then I would be officially saying it's "OK" iyswim.

Well, do you really feel OK about it? You said you're "happy with the set up" - though until he talks it through with you, you're only guessing what "the set up" really is - but if you're genuinely happy then what is wrong with officially saying so?

So it doesn't sound as if you are fully happy with the situation. You are afraid to rock the boat. That is not the same thing.

you're clearly not happy with the set up though...

@Notinthisworld

It's obviously up to you if you can live with him having another woman but I can't understand why you wouldn't sit down and talk it through with him?

Then I would be officially saying it's "OK" iyswim.

So you'd rather him think he's making a fool out of you and you're too stupid to know?

@Notinthisworld

It's obviously up to you if you can live with him having another woman but I can't understand why you wouldn't sit down and talk it through with him?

Then I would be officially saying it's "OK" iyswim.

So you want to ignore it and not for him to think you condone it? I guess I can see that in a way. It's probably more 'valuable' to you as 'your secret' anyway.

I'd probably ignore it too. But it would be because I couldn't be bothered with some heavy discussion and 'granting permission'. If he thought he was putting one over on me, who really cares as long as I know the truth.

But as I mentioned before, ignoring him shagging is the easiest part. Getting your financial security ducks in a row is a bit harder but you really cannot ignore the importance of it. You need to see a solicitor. More than one man has gone from a 'fuck mate' to a 'future mate' and dumped their wife. You don't want to be blindsided.

To be honest, the idea of ending a marriage because of infidelity is probably only common in recent times - most women would have had to put up with it. The idea that it must mean divorce is a modern response.