Page 4 | To turn a blind eye to his affair

Notinthisworld · 2021-04-08T21:45:49+00:00

Been together for 22 years, married for 12. Two pre-teens, a lot of finances together. We are comfortable with each other, however there is no desire for one another and very little sex. I suspected there was someone else 8 months ago and now I'm almost certain.

Womencanlift · 09/04/2021 13:50

Personally I couldn’t turn a blind eye. Not because I would care in the slightest about my partner/husband but I wouldn’t want to give my children the impression that it’s ok to cheat on someone with no consequences

Also from a child’s point of view I think I would lose respect for both my parents. Definitely for the one who committed adultery but also for the one who accepted it

billy1966 · 09/04/2021 13:50

@pepsicolagirl

Honestly, I understand how this could be the better choice BUT make sure you have your ducks in a row (to use a popular Mumsnet phrase)

Just cover yourself in case.

This.

Just make absolutely sure that you don't end up being the financial loser in this.
Make sure you are taking time to develop your life outside of your marriage.

Tal45 · 09/04/2021 13:51

Why don't you discuss having an open relationship with him if you're ok with him finding sex elsewhere? You don't have to have sex with other people if you don't want to of course but it just feels more respectful, less risky (sti's etc) and balanced if you can both talk about it, agree to boundaries and both have the same opportunities if you choose to take them up. You can also discuss what will happen if one of you wants to leave and agree to put things in place so you will both be able to cope with that possibility (assuming you both still care about each other and want each other to be ok). You can decide how much you want to know and just agree on how to make it work for both of you.

I couldn't cope with the sneaking around and lying personally but everyone has their own priorities and you have to do what feels right for you. Just make sure you have a plan in place for your future whatever happens.

Alsohuman · 09/04/2021 13:55

You’ll get different responses dependent on age I suspect. Older posters with similar marriages will probably say they’d turn a blind eye. I would.

toocold54 · 09/04/2021 14:01

Why don’t you have a talk with him and explain that you are happy to have an “open marriage” and just want to continue living together as friends.
For me the lies and deceit is worse than the actions but if you’re both on the same page then it just shows you have respect for each other still.

EasterEggBelly · 09/04/2021 14:01

I couldn’t personally but I wouldn’t judge someone who did.

AriseMyPretties · 09/04/2021 14:16

I can see where you are coming from. When my DP had an affair, it wasn't the sex that bothered me most. Be careful though. Sex is just sex but, in my experience, most men have an alarming tendency to fall head over heels in love with the new squeeze and then what you think won't matter one iota. Like PPs have said, keep your eye on your finances, just in case.

AliceMcK · 09/04/2021 14:17

If your happy with the situation then just carry on the way you are. But please do as others have said make sure your secure in case he dose decide to leave you for the other woman.

Maybe telling him you know and your ok with it as long as it dosnt effect your home life 🤷🏼‍♀️ Personally I couldn’t live like this but I do know others who do.

Craftycorvid · 09/04/2021 14:18

Whilst I’m very pragmatic these days when it comes to long relationships, I do think those who’ve mentioned finances if he leaves have a point. If you feel sure he knows where he’s comfortable, fine, but I’d say an honest and no-blame conversation would be in order, particularly as you may also want your own relationship outside the marriage. As long as you are genuinely loving, respectful and on good terms, you may be onto something functional. Good luck!

Larahey · 09/04/2021 14:21

you may be okay with it op but what about your children?! What type of life lesson are you teaching them, especially what to expect from standards in their own adult relationships. Your meant to be a role model for them. I wouldnt want this for my mum. You shouldnt settle on it for yourself

Larahey · 09/04/2021 14:21

More so if you have daughters as well! They need to be taught self respect.

Takeitonthechin · 09/04/2021 14:25

I get what you're saying about how you feel, but what about your children, how would they feel, if they know, do you not think it's unhealthy for them to think their father can do this to you or to them, look at it from a different perspective... if I were in your position, I think I'd have to say something to hubby as you may not want the kids to know, but someone else may find out and tell your kids.

Canigooutyet · 09/04/2021 14:35

I have to much self respect to turn a blind eye. I'm not on this earth to be made a mug off and when people take the piss I take whatever action. If he wants to fuck someone else that's entirely his choice, but he would be doing this whilst he lived anywhere else because his ass would be dumped. If I'm in a relationship I want all the benefits and not out source sex like you would for your garden or cleaning.

Oversize · 09/04/2021 14:36

@Alsohuman

You’ll get different responses dependent on age I suspect. Older posters with similar marriages will probably say they’d turn a blind eye. I would.

I'm heading for 60. I didn't turn a blind eye and I'm very happy with my decision. It's all about knowing yourself and what you decide you can cope with. Either decision can be painful - pick your pain.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/04/2021 14:46

I couldn't live with that amount of disrespect. Rather be on my own.

Rukaya · 09/04/2021 14:48

either way you probably owe it to your H to tell him you know

He's cheating, OP doesn't owe him anything.

Not because I would care in the slightest about my partner/husband but I wouldn’t want to give my children the impression that it’s ok to cheat on someone with no consequences

Why would you be telling your children?

Alsohuman · 09/04/2021 14:54

@Larahey

you may be okay with it op but what about your children?! What type of life lesson are you teaching them, especially what to expect from standards in their own adult relationships. Your meant to be a role model for them. I wouldnt want this for my mum. You shouldnt settle on it for yourself

He’s not married to his children.

Self respect is knowing yourself and placing your boundaries appropriately for yourself. It’s not based on other people’s opinions.

Mumoblue · 09/04/2021 15:00

Personally I wouldn’t be able to ignore it.
I also think there’s something to be said for showing your children that it’s not okay to let people cheat on you.

But it’s your life and if you can live with it then that’s up to you.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/04/2021 15:03

But what if he decides an affair isn't enough and leaves you for his OW? Would it not be better discussing it with him? Would it be better for you to prepare that this maybe the beginning of the end? Start planning your financial future.

MiddayMadDog · 09/04/2021 15:05

These arrangements can actually work quite well. Yes he might leave you for her, though this is probably quite unlikely if he is happy in the marriage with you apart from the sex side,, but if you were unhappy with him seeking sex/ relationships outside the marriage, then the marriage would be over anyway, wouldn't it?

If you are genuinely ok with it, tell him you know and are fine with it. Don't try to set boundaries about how he feels emotionally about the woman he sees as, realistically, you just can't control or police that.

Tbh, the person who is most likely to end up hurt in all this is his OW. She is the who may end up falling emotionally for your husband, when all she is is a prop to keep his marriage going. That's my issue with these arrangements, its the affair partner who ends up being used as a side player to the attached person's main life.

Bul21ia · 09/04/2021 15:06

How old are you OP? Why don’t you just split?

harknesswitch · 09/04/2021 15:08

It depends really, if he's treating you well then it might be time to sit down with him and agree some boundaries, no unprotected sex etc. As long as you're ok with him sleeping with other women. Very often, if the marriage is ok, for a man it boils down to sex

MiddayMadDog · 09/04/2021 15:11

I know posters here are saying, 'what will the children think'. I know two people whose parents did this. One woman, both her parents had affairs during the marriage. She said it was fine and she has a normal and happy marriage now herself. The second, a man, said his father had affairs throughout the marriage - his mum stayed until the kids were grown and then dumped her husband. She rose very high in her career and I do wonder if she stayed as being a single mum would have impeded her ability to work so hard on her career. Anyway, my friend said it was fine and he had a good childhood. He has a happy marriage himself now.

Leopardskin · 09/04/2021 15:15

If you're not HURT because you don't love him then I guess you can ''ignore'' it while you get your independence back.

But if you ignore it and just do nothing, then this is your one life and you're duping yourself.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/04/2021 15:21

@MiddayMadDog

I know posters here are saying, 'what will the children think'. I know two people whose parents did this. One woman, both her parents had affairs during the marriage. She said it was fine and she has a normal and happy marriage now herself. The second, a man, said his father had affairs throughout the marriage - his mum stayed until the kids were grown and then dumped her husband. She rose very high in her career and I do wonder if she stayed as being a single mum would have impeded her ability to work so hard on her career. Anyway, my friend said it was fine and he had a good childhood. He has a happy marriage himself now.

My dad had an affair and I am NC with him, can't stand the man. My mum's second husband cheated, she stayed with him and although I love her I have no respect for her any more. For every good outcome there is a bad one.