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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn a blind eye to his affair

160 replies

Notinthisworld · 08/04/2021 22:45

Been together for 22 years, married for 12. Two pre-teens, a lot of finances together. We are comfortable with each other, however there is no desire for one another and very little sex. I suspected there was someone else 8 months ago and now I'm almost certain.

OP posts:
Canigooutyet · 09/04/2021 15:23

Condoms don't protect against all STDs as they do t protect from skin to skin diseases. You would also have to tell him that oral without a condom is also a no go.

Then you would have to trust the person who has been lying to you that they wouldn't get caught up in the moment and if they did they would not only get themselves checked but also let you know.

If he wAnted to be an adult he should have respected her enough to talk to her first. Not to go out, start seeing someone and then get your ok.

The op doesn't owe him anything other than you cheating bastard here's the divorce papers.

WhyNotNow21 · 09/04/2021 15:30

I may drop a subtle hint that I know and see what happens.

Sometimes that can be enough to move things along. He may be more careful to cover his tracks. Or it may open things up.

Family member just got divorced. It's torn the family apart. Their preteen kids will never ever be the same again. They've lost all their joy and happiness and spirit. I couldn't do that to my children. Sometimes you have to put their happiness before yours.

But yes a subtle hint. Watch him panic!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/04/2021 15:35

@WhyNotNow21

I may drop a subtle hint that I know and see what happens.

Sometimes that can be enough to move things along. He may be more careful to cover his tracks. Or it may open things up.

Family member just got divorced. It's torn the family apart. Their preteen kids will never ever be the same again. They've lost all their joy and happiness and spirit. I couldn't do that to my children. Sometimes you have to put their happiness before yours.

But yes a subtle hint. Watch him panic!

50% of children nowadays come from divorced homes, so overly dramatic to say the kids will "never be the same again." I'm divorced and there is plenty of joy and happiness in my house thank you.
dayswithaY · 09/04/2021 15:35

It's fine if you want to ignore but it's not as simple as that. You have no idea if this affair is just sex - it's very possible it could be more than that. If OW is single, then she has nothing to lose and might push to make it more permanent. If he thinks you're not bothered, he will make that jump.

Remember also, they will outnumber you in terms of decision making over finances etc. If you really suspect he is cheating, then get some proof, make a decision and act quickly.

ImAlrightThanx · 09/04/2021 15:47

It's up to you if you ignore it or not. The majority of men don't leave their wives, but some do.

surlycurly · 09/04/2021 15:52

My friend did this. Ignored it as it improved her situation short term. She trusted him out-with the cheating. Sort of came back to bite her when he eventually fell in love with the mistress as opposed to just shagging her. He left and her life fell apart. She's now a struggling single parent who was blindsided by something she ignored. Just a word of caution OP.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/04/2021 15:58

I don't want to deprive him of sex. Him getting outside the marriage makes home life better and stress free for both of us.

And what if the OW wants more than that? Not just sex, but time and energy and commitment? A family of her own? What if he starts to want more than just sex from her? What happens if his affair with her goes sour, wont that affect how he behaves with you, or wont you mind? The trouble with "turning a blind eye" is that you can't be sure what you are turning a blind eye to. Things might not stay the way they are now.

The other worry is that he didn't talk to you about any of this before starting the affair. So you may feel comfortable but you don't share emotional intimacy or you would have discussed this. Putting aside the sexual contact, is this low level of intimacy how you want you marriage to continue in future?

B33Fr33 · 09/04/2021 16:08

I'd be concerned practically. He already is dishonest suppose he's also squirelli g away finances to support this OW? Do you want to be subsidising his "habit"? The money in the relation ship is surely for your lifestyles AND securing retirement or the future needs of children to study etc. NOT to fund someoneone's hobby sex life

PixelatedLunchbox · 09/04/2021 16:08

If you are okay with it, it is a reasonable arrangement if you don't want to have sex with him. I would suggest that you have a discussion with him and say I believe this is happening and I am okay with it. But prior to that conversation, I would advise that you protect yourself financially and ensure that you have all that information and know where you stand financially on everything and get those ducks in a row, in the event that it becomes a love affair on his part and he decides to leave the marriage.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 09/04/2021 16:18

What if he's having unprotected sex/gets her pregnant/ falls in love with her? Could you live with that too? You cant predict where this will go.
Get an STD check, line up your ducks re financial paperwork and then dicuss what your prepared to condone with your H.

Canigooutyet · 09/04/2021 16:23

And what about 'family' money being spent on the OW. The bottle of perfume, box of chocolates, condoms, taking her out for meals, clothing or whatever else he decides to spend on her. Because unless she knows she is the other woman she wouldn't want some bloke rocking up all the time empty handed, having a shag and going on his merry way.

Canigooutyet · 09/04/2021 16:25

Although even if she is aware she might also want some cash splashed on her.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 09/04/2021 16:32

This is far more common than you'd think. I'd tell him I knew, though.

MiddayMadDog · 09/04/2021 16:35

@Canigooutyet

And what about 'family' money being spent on the OW. The bottle of perfume, box of chocolates, condoms, taking her out for meals, clothing or whatever else he decides to spend on her. Because unless she knows she is the other woman she wouldn't want some bloke rocking up all the time empty handed, having a shag and going on his merry way.
Surely the idea of women exchanging sex for 'free' stuff is a historical artefact and not part of most women's lives nowadays.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/04/2021 16:44

Well it's your life.
I don't know how old you are but my best mates mum did that. She regretted it. He left when kids got to 20. She ended up alone and felt that if she had moved on younger that may not have happened.

georgarina · 09/04/2021 16:56

As others have said I would make sure to have everything in order - because odds are this other person won't want to remain 'the other person' forever. There will be pressure for him to go one way or the other.

Norwaydidnthappen · 09/04/2021 16:59

FIL tried to do this for a few years but ultimately couldn’t deal with it, it totally ate away at him and he eventually discovered the affair was with his best friend. Their marriage ended and now they’ve both moved on with other people they’re much happier with. Don’t do this to yourself, find some self worth.

Canigooutyet · 09/04/2021 17:12

I didn't mean gifts in exchange for sex.
I meant those random gifts you get just because it's nice to give something to someone.
Money people spend treating someone.

See posts pop up mentioning that the new bloke constantly rocks up for dinner without even bringing a pint of milk. Or we walk around the supermarket and he never offers to pay etc.

If they are in a relationship with someone else, like the ops bloke all those little spends, even on travel money should be her concern.

I'm probably still not explaining it properly.

Alsohuman · 09/04/2021 17:14

@Canigooutyet

And what about 'family' money being spent on the OW. The bottle of perfume, box of chocolates, condoms, taking her out for meals, clothing or whatever else he decides to spend on her. Because unless she knows she is the other woman she wouldn't want some bloke rocking up all the time empty handed, having a shag and going on his merry way.
Surely most people have personal money as well as “family money”? We’ve always just had our own money and so I don’t really understand how “family money” works.
fairydust11 · 09/04/2021 17:15

Op what if he decides to leave you for her? Will you be ok with this? If so, confront the issue now - before he falls for her and breaks up the family anyway.
If neither of you are happy & staying together for the children then him having an affair will change the dynamics - he may fall for her, decide to have more children with her & want to marry her. How do you feel about that?
I think if you really don’t care & want to ignore this then why stay together? Life is too short to be in an unhappy situation.

Bul21ia · 09/04/2021 17:17

@Cosyjimjamsforautumn

What if he's having unprotected sex/gets her pregnant/ falls in love with her? Could you live with that too? You cant predict where this will go. Get an STD check, line up your ducks re financial paperwork and then dicuss what your prepared to condone with your H.
It would change the game completely OP would have a rude awakening..
Bul21ia · 09/04/2021 17:19

@ImAlrightThanx

It's up to you if you ignore it or not. The majority of men don't leave their wives, but some do.
True most men don’t leave usually. But OPs marriage is sexless so most men will leave when they meet the “one”.
Crabbyboot · 09/04/2021 17:22

I think maybe you could acknowledge it and discuss it. But it doesn't mean it's the end for you both. I think it could be an opening for discussing how you could make things more exciting or having an open relationship.

Derrymum123 · 09/04/2021 17:25

He'll go when he chooses to - on his terms. You are just facilitating his behaviour. Seek legal advice and put your interests first. He has . It suits him to have his cake and eat it. Make him choke on it. Do not be blindsided by his actions and timescale.

Canigooutyet · 09/04/2021 17:26

Tbh I don't understand family money either lol but gets trotted out a lot on here Alsohuman