To turn a blind eye to his affair

[Notinthisworld]

Been together for 22 years, married for 12. Two pre-teens, a lot of finances together. We are comfortable with each other, however there is no desire for one another and very little sex. I suspected there was someone else 8 months ago and now I'm almost certain.

I would have to have a serious talk with my partner. This must be causing you upset, OP. Whether or not there is any real attraction any more, you need to know whether there is any possibility he is thinking of leaving. You have a right to know,

Before you saw what you did did you believe he would start looking elsewhere?

@edwinbear - spousal maintenance barely exists anymore. You'd have to be a hugely high earner, and he'd have to have very good reasons not to work, for any court to award it. It was awarded more in the 70s/early 80s when lots of women gave up work following marriage/children.

If that's a reason for staying you should chat to a solicitor. If you go 50-50 you wouldn't even have to pay child maintenance.

Depends on how old you are, and how happy HE is with the situation. Divorce leaves people poorer. There's no away around that. If you have plans to send the kids to independent school, ski trips, nice house etc. that may well goes away if you divorce.

But the unreliable element here is him. I'd say it's probably naive to imagine he will have an affair that will remain a discreet bit on the side, not bothering anybody, forever. It's far more likely that he will finally break up your family permanently and leave you for her, or get her pregnant (or both!). Or they will break up and he will find someone new and want to be with HER. The floodgates have opened, so to speak. Then you're in a really vulnerable situation, because you have the rug pulled out from under your feet with little notice.

To be honest, that's no way to live at all. You're young enough to have a career/rekindle the career you perhaps dialled down when you had children. You could have a lovely place of your own, with no man leaving the toilet seat up or his running socks on the sofa, and probably meet somebody new.

He can't be trusted not to ruin everything (even more) for you.

Possibly if the OP has a conversation, putting the childrens security at the centre of any arrangements, conditional on absolute discretion, a happy understanding can be reached.

Once the OP is happy with the arrangement an protecting herself financially.

Many men with teens, having gone through the baby years are in absolutely NO rush whatsoever to repeat the experience.

It often is the woman that would like a child.

I could well imagine a man being extremely contented with having the security of a peaceful marriage and his children and his bit on the side🙄.
The best of both worlds for some.

How much he prioritises his teens will be key, more than his marriage IMO.

I am happy and comfortable in my single parent family household. I dont have the stress and guilt of pretending to be the perfect couple at family events or on anniversaries. I am financially stable. My kids are fine and not broken by divorce - I dont know any divorced kids that fit this description most carry on after an initial wobble the same as before. I dont have to worry about my partner leaving me when I am old and less resilient and perhaps our social lives are smaller. I dont think its a good way to live. you can be good co-parents and still be friends. I think assuming he will be there as a companion for you long term is risky - but then I think that about every marriage where one partner gets themselves in the situation of being overly dependent on the other.

Yes I'm ok with him having another woman, no I won't/don't feel emotionally hurt as we are more like friends living together now if you like and I don't want to deprive him of sex. Him getting outside the marriage makes home life better and stress free for both of us.

Then why don’t you make the ‘open’ aspect of your relationship official? The lying and clandestine nature of an affair introduces a dynamic to your relationship that isn’t the most healthy. Why is turning a blind eye preferable to talking?

Op, I understand your predicament. However as others have said, there is a risk that he may fall in love with his affair partner

Apologies, I asked for my last comment to be removed as it was outing. Yes I'm happy with the set up and no I'm not hurt by it. We are both 40 with 22 years history together.

Why not talk to him about it?
You could explain you're fine with it, it would likely ease any stress for you both and would mean you could set ground rules for communication/ensuring the children don't find out etc.

Essentially why not move to an open marriage?
Secrets are toxic to respect and mutual kindness. If you allow him to persist in secrecy you're likely to find that dysfunction creeps into your family.

If you communicate respectfully, you can avoid that

Your so young OP!!

22 years is a long time together... you both would have settled down really young.

Why don’t you want to have sex? It’s not just about your DH.

Why don’t you want to have sex?

Some people just don’t. It’s a lot less unusual than popularly believed.

I think this is tragic for you OP. You are only 40 and have basically given up on the thought of a happy loving relationship. Don't consign yourself to the pitied wife while everyone knows (and they will know) that he's cheating on you. You deserve better than this.

So why are you asking OP?

If you're happy with this setup then who cares what other people think? Although I can guarantee they probably won't think the same as you!

@Alsohuman there must be a reason though if you decide that surely and when you have a husband it must be difficult as even if OP doesn’t the other person is likely going to want sex at some point even if it was just once a month!

I know quite a few women (and a few men) that overlook their partner's affairs and other behaviours if it means they keep their lifestyles, income, house etc...essentially a trade off to keep what they value more

@Notinthisworld

Apologies, I asked for my last comment to be removed as it was outing. Yes I'm happy with the set up and no I'm not hurt by it. We are both 40 with 22 years history together.

But would you be ok financially if he left you?

You're still so young op. Are you happy to live like this with no sex and no desire in your relationship for many years to come? If so that's fine but as pp have said, protect yourself.

You said you don't desire each other anymore but he's clearly found someone he wants to have sex with.

Tell him you know and also have a man friend so it's great that you both agree to an open relationship.

Op, even if you were sixty I would think that you were too young to live like this . Giving up on a sex and a loving romantic relationship at the age of forty is just sad.
Your dh may decide that he doesn’t want to spend the next twenty years in a ‘loveless’ marriage . He’s still young too and may decide to marry again.
These relationships whereby people live together and do their own thing are probably more common in people who are much older than the Op.

It's obviously up to you if you can live with him having another woman but I can't understand why you wouldn't sit down and talk it through with him?
At the moment, I presume he's sneaking around behind your back? That is utterly disrespectful and he's playing you for a fool.
I'd want it out in the open and boundaries etc put in place.

It's obviously up to you if you can live with him having another woman but I can't understand why you wouldn't sit down and talk it through with him?

Then I would be officially saying it's "OK" iyswim.