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AIBU?

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Original poster

To turn a blind eye to his affair

160 replies

Notinthisworld · 08/04/2021 22:45

Been together for 22 years, married for 12. Two pre-teens, a lot of finances together. We are comfortable with each other, however there is no desire for one another and very little sex. I suspected there was someone else 8 months ago and now I'm almost certain.

OP posts:
SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 23:57

The problem arises if he doesn’t want to turn a blind eye to it.

firedog · 09/04/2021 00:07

@Jiggyjigsaw

You sound very calm about it. Do you think this is something that you can live with and feel ok about yourself? If you can then that is fine you should arrange some ground rules but if you don't feel comfortable I think you have to discuss separation.
This. If I knew I think I'd struggle not to get angry. Not about the sex per se but the time etc that I'd been looking after our family alone and pretending all was fine. I'd feel if we went out any where we were living a lie
Osirus · 09/04/2021 00:19

I know someone who earns £10,000+ a month (actual take home pay). He cheats on his wife ALL the time and spends every weekend (Fri-Sun) taking recreational drugs.

She knows.

She ignores!

FortunesFave · 09/04/2021 00:28

I would be worried he'd leave...then your finances will be buggered anyway. I wouldn't ignore this. I'd try to start separating...shared finances can be worked out.

MimiPigeon · 09/04/2021 00:29

If you’re enjoying the benefits of being married - money, nicer house than you could afford on your own, someone to share the burden of childcare, not having to share custody - then I don’t see anything wrong with staying put and ignoring his affair. I certainly wouldn’t be keen to move out of my home and raise two kids on my own. It’s not like you’re going to catch anything because you said you don’t have sex with him.

PADH · 09/04/2021 00:30

I'm pretty sure my parents have turned blind eyes to each others affairs. I think they're just comfortable with their lives together and genuinely are friends, so are happy enough continuing as they are. It sounds bonkers to me but it seems to be working for them.

lborgia · 09/04/2021 00:36

There is an inherent flaw in your post, OP.

If there is very little desire for sex on either side, then he would not be having an affair with someone else.

What you’re saying is that you have no desire to have sex with each other.

How do you know that he won’t take the other relationship, attraction, sex, good times and all, and decide to go to that full time?

What would happen then?

Just because you would just keep the status quo doesn’t mean he, or his mistress will. Think carefully, and get those ducks tidy, I think.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/04/2021 00:36

I can’t help thinking that even if you’re ok with him having sex with someone else, having him lie to your face about it will kill your self esteem.

If you don’t want to lose your family lifestyle then you need to make sure your finances are safe so he can’t squirrel away money with his new woman, and you need to make it clear that anything less than full discretion will end in divorce or you’ll end up with him parading her around and telling everyone that you’re ok with it. Which you may well be, but I imagine it would get old really quickly.

Penistoe · 09/04/2021 00:38

It is up to you.

GreenClock · 09/04/2021 00:44

It is up to you and it’s not uncommon.... but make sure you’re financially secure in the event he falls in love with the sidepiece and leaves.

dangermouseisace · 09/04/2021 00:45

TBH I’d be quietly photocopying all the financial stuff, including his personal stuff like pension statements, P60’s etc preparing for a divorce. Might not happen, but it’s best to be prepared.

I suspected and didn’t act, he buggered off to the girlfriends with all his paperwork and has blatantly concealed stuff. It’s amazing how someone you would have trusted with your life can turn on a pin and act in ways you could never imagine. It’s your choice to turn a blind eye or not, but I would whole heartedly recommend having an “insurance policy”...a full account of the financial situation. Oh, and any joint credit cards/debts, joint accounts...be very aware/careful and keep a close eye on them. Don’t get into any new joint debt- if you split up they will come for both or either of you, regardless of who was responsible for it.

occa · 09/04/2021 01:13

If you’re comfortable and happy with the way things are and you’re dead sure he’s not able to screw you over financially, then do as you want. I know quite a lot of women who ignore multiple or long-term affairs as they really like their lifestyles and don’t want to give them up.

Personally If I were in that position I’d at least want to talk to him about it so he wasn’t sneaking around, as the deception would be a killer for me.

SionnachGlic · 09/04/2021 01:19

I wouldn't...but then again I don't like being lied to & being betrayed

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2021 01:46

Do you really care? I mean in a 'hurt, heartbroken' way. If you don't care AND you have the ability to be financially independent should he decide to leave you for an OW, then you can turn a blind eye if you want to. 1000s of women have done it before you, 1000s will do it after.

BUT you need to be aware that affairs can be expensive and it's quite likely your 'd'H is spending a good deal of money on the OW. Are you equally OK with that? Are you OK with a possible decrease in your standard of living to enable him to keep her happy? I wouldn't be happy with one red cent of my money going to some floozy, even if I didn't care emotionally if my husband was shagging her. At the very least, I'd want to be sure I had a full and complete picture of ALL finances. TBH I'd probably want to 'disentangle' those finances and have mine separate.

AND it just may happen that he decides he's in luurrvvvee and leave. You can't depend upon him to be 'fair and equitable' in a divorce when he's looking to feather his new love nest. Or, what if this OW should become pregnant. Are you prepared for that?

So you see, there's more to consider than simply 'Should I tolerate his affair'.

Susannahmoody · 09/04/2021 01:56

As a pp said I'd make sure all my finances were in order.

Then really, it depends how comfortable you are turning a blind eye.

I think I'd turn a blind eye too.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 09/04/2021 02:28

Are you really OK with it or just wanting to keep the status quo, not upset the children etc.

I mean, if you’re genuinely ok with it then fair enough. Plenty of people have open marriages but I think you should discuss it and set ground rules. Is he only allowed to shag her or are you ok with others too? Are they allowed overnights and weekends away? Is he ok with it being open on your end too? My friends are in an open marriage and you have to communicate to make it work.

tolerable · 09/04/2021 02:30

almost certain?
i had an ex that got to front door-invented absolute on the spot accusations ,provided quotes id said-word for word...and attempted force confessions he was definately "certain"of.
so depends whatchu know,how you know,and where your goin with it?

Original poster
Notinthisworld · 09/04/2021 11:30

Just catching up here. Thank you, most of you have given useful advice and a few things for me to think about.

I will try to answer most questions.

Yes I'm ok with him having another woman, no I won't/don't feel emotionally hurt as we are more like friends living together now if you like and I don't want to deprive him of sex. Him getting outside the marriage makes home life better and stress free for both of us.

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 09/04/2021 11:35

Honestly, I understand how this could be the better choice BUT make sure you have your ducks in a row (to use a popular Mumsnet phrase)

Just cover yourself in case.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 09/04/2021 11:38

Sounds risky but reasonable. Risky because he might develop feelings, reasonable because it meets both of your needs and so long as he isn’t lying to his affair partner about being married then everyone is making choices from a place of knowledge and understanding. It wouldn’t be for me but I can understand your thought process.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 09/04/2021 11:39

Yep turn a blind eye until he leaves you for her. As for your DC being brought up to see two parents who bumble through life more as mates, no love or emotion and a mother who doesn’t care if there father is having an affair is pretty sad. I am assuming the reason you remain is due to finances as I can’t see any other reason why someone would want to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage .

An0n0n0n · 09/04/2021 11:44

What do you want? Longer term?

Do you not want sex with him or sex at all?

I think you should at least talk about it with him to make a conscious decision about remaining a couple or splitting up or an open marriage because he may well want to leave you and could be planning to hide money etc. Its easy to say he won't but he has a secret woman so....he's not exactly being honest is he.

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 09/04/2021 11:47

@pepsicolagirl

Honestly, I understand how this could be the better choice BUT make sure you have your ducks in a row (to use a popular Mumsnet phrase)

Just cover yourself in case.

Agree with this.

Can you not talk to him? Would you want to consider an open relationship for yourself as well?

Do make sure you're covered in case though.

Redjumper1 · 09/04/2021 12:05

Not a fan of "turning a blind eye" to anything. Anyone I know with this Philosophy tends to turn a blind eye to all sorts of negative behavior. Its up to you though what you want to do, as long as you "turning a blind eye" doesn't include behaviors that affect your children.

Dunkindonuts8 · 09/04/2021 12:09

It depends. Does your situation now suit you? Are you happy together? I always think marriage is such a weird concept that you'll never be attracted to or have feelings for anyone else. I'd probably turn a blind eye if I was otherwise happy and content and the relationship as it was worked for me.

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