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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn a blind eye to his affair

160 replies

Notinthisworld · 08/04/2021 22:45

Been together for 22 years, married for 12. Two pre-teens, a lot of finances together. We are comfortable with each other, however there is no desire for one another and very little sex. I suspected there was someone else 8 months ago and now I'm almost certain.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 09/04/2021 12:31

And if he decides to leave you, then what?

BrimfulOfBaba · 09/04/2021 12:35

Are you generally happy, OP? This would not sound like a happy life to most people I know. Wouldn't you like to seek happiness of your own?

Saz12 · 09/04/2021 12:40

You and husband are basically just friends now. So if this was Hollywood, there’s the risk that he (or you!) will meet someone else, fall in love, want to live together.
There’s also the risk that when you’re old and grey, you look back and think “what a waste of time- I shouldn’t have gone for the easy option”.
But in real life? I’d probably sort finances very carefully and have a separate bedroom.

wizzywig · 09/04/2021 12:42

Let him know you know and that you're happy to remain in the marriage

devastating · 09/04/2021 12:43

Don’t you want to meet someone and have a physical relationship OP?

For that reason I would choose divorce.

Having said that I am divorced (very difficult emotionally abusive ex) and I can’t see myself meeting anyone. I prefer being lonely this way however than in a marriage. Now that really was lonely!!!

VettiyaIruken · 09/04/2021 12:47

Are you independently financially secure?

If not, and he decides he wants to be with her, you're screwed.

If you genuinely don't give a shit what he does then talk to him about his affair and ensure you can't be left in a bad financial mess.

Macncheeseballs · 09/04/2021 12:54

If it works for you, why not?

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 09/04/2021 12:56

How would he feel if you cheated too?

ohnoisaid2much · 09/04/2021 12:59

Would you let someone else use your toothbrush on and ongoing basis? Would you allow it once? No?
Same principle ..

Stratfordplace · 09/04/2021 13:05

I think you are trying to control the situation but you cannot control the affair partners. It doesn’t work like that. What if they want to be together.
How long has it been going on and how often do they meet. I would be concerned the OW would want more.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 09/04/2021 13:06

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Don't ignore it - that's no way to live. No god ever came from pretending everything is fine when it's a disaster.
This is apt.

Are you confident that you don't need to prepare a break-up plan so that you can't be blindsided by any decision on his part?

You may need to consider vulnerability in finances and other matters.

fREHYA · 09/04/2021 13:09

It’s all about the money isn’t it.

tisonlymeagain · 09/04/2021 13:14

Depends really. Are you happy with how things are right now? Are you disengaged? Are you prepared that if you turn a blind eye, the affair might go on for years? Or that he might leave you?

If you like your life together in spite of knowing he is having an affair then that's up to you, but even if I had been happy, it would eat me up.

edwinbear · 09/04/2021 13:16

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I'd actually be quite relieved as it would allow me the same freedoms. But our marriage was over years ago - there is no love, affection or intimacy at all. He's been unemployed for 18 months with nothing on the horizon, I am a high earner so financially secure. We're still together because we can't afford to run two households and keep DC in their fantastic private school, especially if I ended up having to pay spousal maintenance which is highly likely. So yes, I'd be very meh about it, appreciate that is not the norm though.

But it's how you feel OP?

lioncitygirl · 09/04/2021 13:18

If you’re ok with it then fine. My mum is with my dad and his multiple affairs, as long as he comes home - it works for them so it works for me, I have no choice.

Outbutnotoutout · 09/04/2021 13:19

@Notinthisworld

Just catching up here. Thank you, most of you have given useful advice and a few things for me to think about.

I will try to answer most questions.

Yes I'm ok with him having another woman, no I won't/don't feel emotionally hurt as we are more like friends living together now if you like and I don't want to deprive him of sex. Him getting outside the marriage makes home life better and stress free for both of us.

What if he falls in love with her and leaves you?

Will you be happy then?

Jangle33 · 09/04/2021 13:20

To be honest, I’d do the same as you. I think there’s often a huge amount of unnecessary drama over monogamy.

tisonlymeagain · 09/04/2021 13:24

I mean, you sound like you're okay with it, which is fine, but why not set yourself free and open yourself up to a more fulfilling relationship?

Bubblebu · 09/04/2021 13:25

why do you think you "turning a blind eye" will be the end of it?

if your marriage has got to the point where he is cheating and you know he is why do you think he will not walk away?

if you think he will not walk away from you and you are confident about that then the ball is in your court to
(1) stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of retaining the financial comfort you enjoy / having a live in father for your children etc; or
(2) walk away yourself.

either way you probably owe it to your H to tell him you know.

the "un necessary drama over monogamy" all depends on so many other factors

Icantrememebrtheartist · 09/04/2021 13:39

I can understand you turning a blind eye and being able to live quite happily with that but...how long will that work for your husband? The decision and your future might be made for you if you do nothing. The longer the affair goes on and the happier he is with the new woman the more likely it is he will make plans to leave you.

If your relationship is as you’ve described I think you would be best to speak to him and find out how long they’ve been together and what he/their plans are.

RabbiTouch · 09/04/2021 13:44

Him getting outside the marriage makes home life better and stress free for both of us.

Why? What stresses? How is your relationship in general?

I think if you want to stay in the marriage and he is being unfaithful you need to be open about it, both of you. Whether he and the OW will be happy for that to continue until somebody dies is another matter but you will need to speak about it and agree boundaries.

Insomnia5 · 09/04/2021 13:44

The chances of an affair lasting long term are very slim. One will always want to be with the other. Could you cope with them planning to be together, and making arrangements about your finances and children behind your back? Even if they don’t, it’s likely to be exposed by someone at some point. Your children will be badly affected by the discovery of their parents awful behaviour

Candyfloss99 · 09/04/2021 13:46

You deserve much more than a sexless marriage and a disrespectful husband who is sneaking around behind your back. Leave him before he leaves you then at least you'll still have your dignity.

Imasoulman · 09/04/2021 13:47

I confronted the man my wife had her first affair with.

The second I turned a blind eye to, when it ended she told his wife just out of spite.

The third was the one she left me for.

My advice through bitter experience is get help with your marriage or set plans in motion to leave.

ViciousJackdaw · 09/04/2021 13:49

@fREHYA

It’s all about the money isn’t it.
Of course it is.