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Original poster

Child maintenance and the ex

279 replies

kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:21

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:16

The op tells a very different story, you can’t twist it when people don’t agree with you 🙄

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 14:16

@Happycat1212

Lol she changed her tune how many pages in ?! 😂😂 when the comments didn’t go her way!
No, you read it wrong. It says in the OP:

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families,

TulisaIsBrill · 09/04/2021 14:17

I’m with you in this. I don’t think it was the best way to go about things with the email to the parents, but I find it utterly abhorrent to think a presumably capable person who had kids decides not to bother getting any job, or passing on any of the benefit income they receive, no matter how small to you simply on moral grounds.

I’m the first person to support the benefit lifestyle in a family unit, I think it makes a lot of sense given the state of employment, but not under these type of circumstances. He should be doing everything possible to ensure some income comes your way - whether that’s supporting you in whatever way he can - even if that’s not financially but there’s always things he can do to alleviate you having to manage this much.

He sounds a waste of space

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:17

Yes no where did she put that that was her exes words and that she meant they have no responsibility. Don’t be ridiculous she changed it when she didn’t get the answers she wanted!

Original poster
kat5682 · 09/04/2021 14:18

@Loveacoseynightin
I said
"The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do."

and in later posts I said that it's a knee jerk reaction and I wouldn't do that, and that I'd consider him having them more to cut down the cost of feeding them etc.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 14:19

@Happycat1212

Yes no where did she put that that was her exes words and that she meant they have no responsibility. Don’t be ridiculous she changed it when she didn’t get the answers she wanted!
No, you read it wrong and the OP clarified when you proved you didn’t know what she meant.
Bibidy · 09/04/2021 14:20

@Happycat1212

Because he doesn’t need to pay it because he is having them enough, I also don’t understand why he can’t have them 50/50 because he lives an hour away? An hour isn’t really unusual travelling distance to secondary school.
I think that is quite a long journey to and from secondary school, plus it will take the children out of their normal area and away from their friends/hobbies. Also it will be a massive upheaval for them if they have been used to mainly living in one place and they may not want to do it. Also, I guess OP would rather have the children herself than not see them 50% of the time just to make the point to her ex that he should pay?

Also I guess since he's not earning he's unlikely to be able to afford to drive 4 hours a day to get them to and from school.

There is nothing that can be done though, he is relying on benefits in the same way OP would need to if she lost her job, except he won't have any access to any child-related benefits. Jobseekers is only £74 per week so if both he and his gf are on that then they can't be having an easy time either.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:21

And how can I be told I read something wrong, it’s literally in the op, her drip feed was several pages after. If that was the case and she meant they had no responsibility (funny way to word the op if that’s what she meant) then she wouldn’t need to drip feed it in when people didn’t agree.

Witchymclovely · 09/04/2021 14:21

I think you’ve been really patient. My H lost his job about eight years ago. As soon as it happened we told his ExW and she seemed really understanding. WE planned to pay the next months CMP for his daughter and reassured her H would get a job ASAP. However she had other ideas and called CMS complaining we had said we wouldn’t be paying her and she had had no warning( we got bad mouthed to the relatives too) CMS then advised us we didn’t need to pay etc. Due to her stinky attitude I didn’t pay it. I thought she could kiss my arse now. Thankfully H got a job real quick but I’ll never forgive her for being so underhand.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 14:21

@Happycat1212

And how can I be told I read something wrong, it’s literally in the op, her drip feed was several pages after. If that was the case and she meant they had no responsibility (funny way to word the op if that’s what she meant) then she wouldn’t need to drip feed it in when people didn’t agree.
It’s fairly clear from the Op that she meant they have the same amount of responsibility as her family ie none. It was you who didn’t understand that.
MiddleParking · 09/04/2021 14:22

I don’t think she’s drip feeding and I do agree with her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:23

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

Ok I read that wrong did I? Hmm

MiddleParking · 09/04/2021 14:23

CMS then advised us we didn’t need to pay etc. Due to her stinky attitude I didn’t pay it. I thought she could kiss my arse now.

What a horrendous way to think about paying for the upbringing of his children.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:25

It’s fairly clear from the Op that she meant they have the same amount of responsibility as her family ie none. It was you who didn’t understand that.

And all the other posters who equally commented that his family are not responsible. Maybe that’s how they took the email as well then and maybe that’s why she didn’t get the desired response 🤷‍♀️

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 14:27

@Happycat1212

*I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'. I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.*

Ok I read that wrong did I? Hmm

You did if you don’t think it means ‘the same amount ie none’, yes. And then the OP clarified it for you anyway.
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 09/04/2021 14:27

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.

Where in that paragraph did OP say her exes family were as responsible for paying as her ex himself? She didn't. You read it wrong.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 09/04/2021 14:29

@CloudPop sounds like your ex and mine went to the same school of "how to be a parent". I've even had the "well if you can't afford it then your parents can help you" when I've questioned how I'm supposed to afford everything 2 teenagers need with no maintenance. Hmm

chaosrabbitland · 09/04/2021 14:29

@Happycat1212

yes , but that thread was about the women paying for her husbands child maintanance , this is the op wanting her ex husband to pay her it for his own 2 twins , she hasnt mentioned the ex husbands girlfriend contributing to it has she ? the only thing thats been said by op is that she hoped contacting his parents might kick the lazy tosser into touch to get off his ass and get a job , not that she hoped they would pay it for him ! the op had outlined his circumstances and he and the gf are living on a farm with a bunch of horses that cost quite a bit to keep , plus all the chickens and dogs and doing it all on the dole . id say their circumstances are pretty damn fine , im a single working parent and iv only got 4 house rabbits plus the 2 cats and its well tight each month .. he could well afford to pay the op the money if he wanted to work , but sounds like hes having a nice time taking the piss on the dole

Not at all, it says in the op she TOLD the parents they are JUST as responsible for the children as HE is, that to me implies she believes that they are just as responsible for making payments as he is, otherwise how the hell are they just as responsible 🤦‍♀️ also posters on here have said that the guys parenting SHOULD be paying!

the op had already explained she didnt mean it quite literally i believe m yes its his responsiblity , but if that was my son dossing about refusing to work id be pretty angry to be getting an email like that from my ex dil and words would be getting exchanged
MixedUpFiles · 09/04/2021 14:33

If he was my son, I’d thank you for the email and then give him an earful. He might be following the law, but morally, he should be supporting his children.

Original poster
kat5682 · 09/04/2021 14:33

@Happycat1212

*I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'. I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.*

Ok I read that wrong did I? Hmm

I did clarify this for you later on. I wanted to clarify it and it wasn't an attempt to drip feed "To give a bit more context to the email - during the doorstep argument he said that my mum can help me out financially if I need money - effectively shirking his responsibility and placing it on my mum. My email to his parents said that the grandchildren are just as much their responsibility as it is my mums. My mum doesn't have any legal responsibility to support them and the same goes for them. What I was trying to convey to them was that his side of the family are as much responsible as my side of the family, not legally but morally. And to make it 100% clear I did NOT ask them for money, I asked them to get HIM to take responsibility for raising and providing for his children and to make them aware of what he's doing as he has little contact with them and I have zero doubts he is being cowardly and not telling them. Pretty sure this message will cause some more comments - I'm happy to read them otherwise I wouldn't post or reply, but please don't be nasty - I'm at the end of my rope at the moment and struggling as it is."
OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 14:36

Why do people keep Mentioning £7???! Is
This all the CMS you are getting? What time ere you getting before he lost his job??

ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 14:36

*what were you getting

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:37

I don’t think they are responsible at all even if you didn’t mean financially, in all the time my ex hasn’t paid (which at one point was 3 years btw) I would never have messaged his family about it. Even if you didn’t mean for them to help financially saying stuff like “I don’t know how I’m going to survive without it” does sound like you were hinting at the very least imo

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:38

ivfbeenbusy
That’s the amount she would get if she reduced his contact

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 09/04/2021 14:38

@ivfbeenbusy

Why do people keep Mentioning £7???! Is This all the CMS you are getting? What time ere you getting before he lost his job??
£7 is the 'minimum' assessment CMS make, so a NRP on benefits would have to pay £7per week.