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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance and the ex

279 replies

kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:21

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:17

Except regardless, the children need money. And the OP thought about reducing contact because then she’d be entitled to benefits to replace the money their father isn’t paying.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 13:17

£7 🤦‍♀️

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:19

@Happycat1212

£7 🤦‍♀️
Shocking isn’t it? Amazing how little the NRP has to pay for their actual children.
dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2021 13:19

Except regardless, the children need money. And the OP thought about reducing contact because then she’d be entitled to benefits to replace the money their father isn’t paying
What benefit? It maintenance is based on number of days, other benefit is just in the basis of being resident or not.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2021 13:21

Shocking isn’t it? Amazing how little the NRP has to pay for their actual children
No more shocking than the numerous to who opt to only on benefits to support their kids rather than find a job.

Both are wrong, but so far, in this instance, it's only been 4 months.

belle002 · 09/04/2021 13:22

That’s a very western view - extended families do and should support each other.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:23

@dontdisturbmenow

Shocking isn’t it? Amazing how little the NRP has to pay for their actual children No more shocking than the numerous to who opt to only on benefits to support their kids rather than find a job.

Both are wrong, but so far, in this instance, it's only been 4 months.

Or the parents who don’t pay maintenance and expect the other parent to pick up the slack.
Dithercats · 09/04/2021 13:23

My ex pays no maintenance so I understand your frustration.
I too discussed this with ex-Mil, just so they knew what her son was doing....who listened but said as I had custody now had to provide everything for the kiddies 🙄. She does buy the odd thing which stays at dads - no probs with that from me.
I offered 50/50 which was a flat no, so it's 2 or 3 nights instead and I suck up all the other costs.
I have never kept the kids away, it's the kids right to see their dad/family not the other way round.

@kat5682 would you consider twins going to dad Friday till Monday every week so better share of costs & childcare that way?

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 13:26

I totally understand anger when the NRP deliberately evades paying CM or packs in their job with nothing lined up and no plan to pay anything. But it's totally different IMO when someone is made redundant. So long as he's trying in some way to rectify that, I don't get how he can be so berated over something he can't control.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 13:32

But she wants to reduce contact for the sake of £7? I do get the annoyance at not receiving maintenance, I do, my ex pays £7 but for 4 children, he always has, I’m cancelling it as it’s not even worth claiming, and my ex has no contact with our children at all and has deliberately stayed on benefits so he doesn’t have to pay, this isn’t the case here, the man lost his job, he didn’t just quit, he also has the children, it’s been 4 months give the guy a break! So reducing contact to get £7 to me just seems petty and spiteful

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:32

@LucieStar

I totally understand anger when the NRP deliberately evades paying CM or packs in their job with nothing lined up and no plan to pay anything. But it's totally different IMO when someone is made redundant. So long as he's trying in some way to rectify that, I don't get how he can be so berated over something he can't control.
I think because he’s not trying to rectify it - the OP says he’s trying to restart something he already failed in and isn’t applying for any other job.
LucieStar · 09/04/2021 13:33

@Pumperthepumper
At least he's trying. It's more than many would do.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:33

@Happycat1212

But she wants to reduce contact for the sake of £7? I do get the annoyance at not receiving maintenance, I do, my ex pays £7 but for 4 children, he always has, I’m cancelling it as it’s not even worth claiming, and my ex has no contact with our children at all and has deliberately stayed on benefits so he doesn’t have to pay, this isn’t the case here, the man lost his job, he didn’t just quit, he also has the children, it’s been 4 months give the guy a break! So reducing contact to get £7 to me just seems petty and spiteful
Not if the OP needs that £7 in order to feed her children.
Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 13:33

Also messaging and hounding his family is just going to make the op look unhinged

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:34

[quote LucieStar]@Pumperthepumper
At least he's trying. It's more than many would do. [/quote]
Trying what?

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 13:34

@Happycat1212

But she wants to reduce contact for the sake of £7? I do get the annoyance at not receiving maintenance, I do, my ex pays £7 but for 4 children, he always has, I’m cancelling it as it’s not even worth claiming, and my ex has no contact with our children at all and has deliberately stayed on benefits so he doesn’t have to pay, this isn’t the case here, the man lost his job, he didn’t just quit, he also has the children, it’s been 4 months give the guy a break! So reducing contact to get £7 to me just seems petty and spiteful

agree

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 13:34

If the op needs £7 to feed her children then I would be wondering where her money is being spent then? And where their benefits money is going 🤨

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:34

@Happycat1212

Also messaging and hounding his family is just going to make the op look unhinged
Maybe the OP doesn’t care how it looks so long as it results in food/clothes/heat for her children.
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:35

@Happycat1212

If the op needs £7 to feed her children then I would be wondering where her money is being spent then? And where their benefits money is going 🤨
Electricity? Food? Clothes? On the children she’s supporting alone?
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:37

@Happycat1212

But she wants to reduce contact for the sake of £7? I do get the annoyance at not receiving maintenance, I do, my ex pays £7 but for 4 children, he always has, I’m cancelling it as it’s not even worth claiming, and my ex has no contact with our children at all and has deliberately stayed on benefits so he doesn’t have to pay, this isn’t the case here, the man lost his job, he didn’t just quit, he also has the children, it’s been 4 months give the guy a break! So reducing contact to get £7 to me just seems petty and spiteful
And if £7 is such a paltry amount of money, why doesn’t their father provide it? It would be infinitely more than he’s currently providing. Maybe he could sell one of his chickens?
LucieStar · 09/04/2021 13:38

the OP says he’s trying to restart something he already failed in

@Pumperthepumper - this. It's not for anyone else to judge how many times a person should attempt something just because they've previously been unsuccessful. Maybe this time he will eventually make it work? As others have said, he should be cut some slack, it's been a matter of months. At least he's got a plan of some type.

For the record - I've tried and failed many times in my life (career wise). In the end, I made it work. That's life. I commend people who try to make something work despite previously being unsuccessful, it shows determination to succeed.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 13:38

Electricity? Food? Clothes? On the children she’s supporting alone?

Lol well she IS feeding them then. The £7 isn’t going to be the differencevbetween the OPs children living in rags with no electric and no food. So they are being fed, £7 is a packet of crisps at the shop a week for my kids 🤷‍♀️ . It’s not the difference between the kids going hungry or not like you put it

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:39

@LucieStar

the OP says he’s trying to restart something he already failed in

@Pumperthepumper - this. It's not for anyone else to judge how many times a person should attempt something just because they've previously been unsuccessful. Maybe this time he will eventually make it work? As others have said, he should be cut some slack, it's been a matter of months. At least he's got a plan of some type.

For the record - I've tried and failed many times in my life (career wise). In the end, I made it work. That's life. I commend people who try to make something work despite previously being unsuccessful, it shows determination to succeed.

How many children did you stop paying for while you chased your dream?
Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 13:39

If the op not getting £7 is going to be the difference between her children being fed or going hungry then she really needs to look at her own circumstances

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 13:40

@Happycat1212

Electricity? Food? Clothes? On the children she’s supporting alone?

Lol well she IS feeding them then. The £7 isn’t going to be the differencevbetween the OPs children living in rags with no electric and no food. So they are being fed, £7 is a packet of crisps at the shop a week for my kids 🤷‍♀️ . It’s not the difference between the kids going hungry or not like you put it

You have no idea if that’s true - the OP could be living hand to mouth and need that money for the children he’s not paying for. Again, if £7 is so little, why isn’t he just paying it?
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