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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child maintenance and the ex

279 replies

kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:21

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 14:38

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

And covid rules for separated parents and their children are different so you saying no is being vindictive

Hhusky · 09/04/2021 14:40

Restricting his access to his DC is NOT acceptable. Seriously.
Yes he needs to find a job, yes he needs to make money and support them but it's not fair to decide to restrict his access over a bit of money. To be honest it sounds like you're pissed off because you can't control him. If you restrict your children's access to their dad now they will one day resent you for it. Pull up your big girl pants for now and get on with it.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 14:43

@Hhusky

Restricting his access to his DC is NOT acceptable. Seriously. Yes he needs to find a job, yes he needs to make money and support them but it's not fair to decide to restrict his access over a bit of money. To be honest it sounds like you're pissed off because you can't control him. If you restrict your children's access to their dad now they will one day resent you for it. Pull up your big girl pants for now and get on with it.
control sure.

Yes, just pull up your big girl pants and summon money out of the sky to feed and clothe your children alone and stop being so controlling suggesting their father gets a job to contribute to their lives.

You must have loads of spare cash kicking about surely? Could you not just print some more? And it’s not like they grow or eat in four months, just get on with it.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/04/2021 14:44

@Witchymclovely

I think you’ve been really patient. My H lost his job about eight years ago. As soon as it happened we told his ExW and she seemed really understanding. WE planned to pay the next months CMP for his daughter and reassured her H would get a job ASAP. However she had other ideas and called CMS complaining we had said we wouldn’t be paying her and she had had no warning( we got bad mouthed to the relatives too) CMS then advised us we didn’t need to pay etc. Due to her stinky attitude I didn’t pay it. I thought she could kiss my arse now. Thankfully H got a job real quick but I’ll never forgive her for being so underhand.
So you withheld maintenance meant for the upkeep of the child out of spite to the mum? Nice Hmm
Aprilshowersandhail · 09/04/2021 14:45

Send them next time in their pj's. He can buy them something more suitable.. His dps will ask when he hasn't if they turn up how you sent them. When I sent my dc to exh in anything decent he sold them.
So I stopped and they went in an old onesie..

Bul21ia · 09/04/2021 14:47

Ohhh OP. I feel for you. Some comments are too harsh we don’t know how much money OP is down.

Don’t discuss anything in front of your ex’s GF in future why on earth was she just stood their Blush says it all!!

Are you getting all the help you can UC/WTC?

Personally I know this is usually a 50/50 opinion but I don’t agree with turning a blind eye to these men not paying for their kids weather that be £7 or £70 a week it’s the principle!

Inform CSA anyway.

Loveacoseynightin · 09/04/2021 14:51

@SakuraEdenSwan1

I don't blame them for with holding the money. The mother needs to be held to account. She was told about the situation and then went running to the CMS.

Reap what you sow.

funinthesun19 · 09/04/2021 14:53

He’s a grown man. Of course they’re not responsible for him.

It comes across as you think they’re responsible for his actions through guilty by association. Probably the same with his girlfriend. I got a few messages from my ex’s ex wife who saw me as guilty by association too, when little did she know that I was the one actually telling him he needs to and should pay.
Ultimately he’s the only one who is responsible for him not paying for children. You can’t go hassling them to get him to pay up. You have no idea what conversations they’ve had with him already, and you don’t know if they feel frustrated with him themselves. And now it comes across as you’re lecturing them for something that is not their fault. I can tell you from first hand experience just how annoying it is to receive a message like that.

Treacletoots · 09/04/2021 14:55

@forthisisnt

I can feel a campaign, and a petition coming on

Please do this. In 2021 it should not be acceptable for a parent to abandon and neglect their children.

Bibidy · 09/04/2021 14:56

I think people are being a little harsh about OP messaging his family. Yeah it was a bit over the top but she has clarified many times that she wasn't asking them to pay and she was obviously just at the end of her tether and worrying about how she would afford things without his input.

In hindsight she probably wouldn't do it again but sometimes we all act a bit rashly.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 14:57

funinthesun19 I’m glad someone else has seen it as well, Even if she didn’t mean financially which I do take that maybe she didn’t mean that she still implied they had responsibility as well as him, she’s admitted that. He is a grown adult, this situation is literally nothing to do with his family and telling his mum of him just look childish and petty.

funinthesun19 · 09/04/2021 15:00

Bibidy she didn’t ask them to pay, no. But like I said, guilty by association.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2021 15:01

I think because he’s not trying to rectify it - the OP says he’s trying to restart something he already failed in and isn’t applying for any other job
How could OP possibly know that? Considering her behaviour, I very much doubt he feels open to telling her the detail of his job search or his business plan.

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 15:03

@dontdisturbmenow

I think because he’s not trying to rectify it - the OP says he’s trying to restart something he already failed in and isn’t applying for any other job How could OP possibly know that? Considering her behaviour, I very much doubt he feels open to telling her the detail of his job search or his business plan.

Yeah I felt similar - no one can possibly know at this point whether he will make a success of his business venture but it feels a little harsh to berate the guy for even giving it another shot.

Witchymclovely · 09/04/2021 15:06

@MiddleParking I the SP offered to pay!?! I don’t have to do Jack shit. When a SP offers to pay you the next months CMP out of their own pocket, you just say thanks. You don’t run to the CMS behind our agreement telling lies then continue those lies to family members. Now that’s horrendous!

Bibidy · 09/04/2021 15:06

@funinthesun19

Bibidy she didn’t ask them to pay, no. But like I said, guilty by association.
I agree that the message trying to get his family to intervene was the wrong thing to do, but I think OP has said that now too.
Bibidy · 09/04/2021 15:07

[quote Witchymclovely]@MiddleParking I the SP offered to pay!?! I don’t have to do Jack shit. When a SP offers to pay you the next months CMP out of their own pocket, you just say thanks. You don’t run to the CMS behind our agreement telling lies then continue those lies to family members. Now that’s horrendous![/quote]
I agree Witchy. You were offering to do this woman a favour and she threw it back in your face. I would have done the same.

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 15:08

[quote Witchymclovely]@MiddleParking I the SP offered to pay!?! I don’t have to do Jack shit. When a SP offers to pay you the next months CMP out of their own pocket, you just say thanks. You don’t run to the CMS behind our agreement telling lies then continue those lies to family members. Now that’s horrendous![/quote]

I suspected that's what you meant and it had been misunderstood. You were offering to pay out of your own pocket. My god, if my DD's stepmum did that if her Dad lost his job, I'd be nothing but thankful and I'd be keeping her well on side, not running to the CMS telling them false information.

Original poster
kat5682 · 09/04/2021 15:08

[quote Treacletoots]@forthisisnt

I can feel a campaign, and a petition coming on

Please do this. In 2021 it should not be acceptable for a parent to abandon and neglect their children.[/quote]
I was starting to think about that but after a quick google there seems to be a lot of charities doing this. I understand that you can't get blood out of a stone, but there needs to be some consequence. Someone mentioned earlier the American system where they lose their driving license and they have to pay back missed child support which I don't think we do in this country?

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 09/04/2021 15:13

I agree that the message trying to get his family to intervene was the wrong thing to do, but I think OP has said that now too.

Ok, sorry.

I hope everything gets sorted op.

Witchymclovely · 09/04/2021 15:14

@SakuraEdenSwan1 yep I withheld my own hard earned money. Shocking!!! You know what I do, I have a savings account for emergencies, in case Hs lose jobs or someone gets sick. I don’t spend all my money on three trips abroad, a wedding a new car all in one year. So yes she can kiss my arse.

Original poster
kat5682 · 09/04/2021 15:19

@LucieStar and others
I didn't run to the CMS and tell on him. In the doorstep argument THEY said I will have to go through CMS so that's what I did and they said he doesn't have to pay anything as he has them more that 52 days a year.

In terms of him looking for work he said that he isn't looking for a job as he's trying to get his website business going. Fine, but get a part time job to pay your bills in the meantime and then when you've got enough business go for it full time. His children should 100% be the most important thing for him to look after, and the website business second.
I don't think that's a massive ask of their dad personally, but maybe I am being a bit pushy in my ex-wife role, but the motivation is a mama bear trying to provide and look after her children the best I/we can.

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 09/04/2021 15:24

@kat5682 reference CMS they’re talking about my Hs ExW I think, not you. 😉🤷‍♀️

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 15:27

@kat5682

Yeah @Witchymclovely is correct - I'm referring to her story that others had misinterpreted, not yours.

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 09/04/2021 15:27

YANBU to be pissed, I do agree with PPs though that as shit as it is, there isn't anything you can do that you haven't already done and taking it out on your children (albeit indirectly) through cutting access and arguments on the doorstep isn't fair on them. That obviously isn't saying what he is doing is fair either, it's totally shit but sometimes you do have to be the bigger person as much as it's a kick in the teeth to do so for the sake of your kids, if you feel that they would be negatively affected by cutting access then that is not what you do.

I also don't agree that it's his families responsibility. We see tonnes of threads on here where the OP is complaining their family doesn't offer to do or has stopped doing childcare and posters always say it's not up to your family etc.etc... I would be ashamed of my son yes but I don't think you should have involved them personally.