Child maintenance and the ex

[kat5682]

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

[quote LucieStar]@Pumperthepumper
At least he's trying. It's more than many would do. [/quote]
But he isn’t trying. There are temporary jobs available in his area that he refuses to apply for. And the fact that there are other scumbags in existence doesn’t negate how dreadful this situation is for OP and her children.

Because he is having the children so he doesn’t need to pay it

@Pumperthepumper

It's irrelevant because I've been fortunate enough to never have been made redundant. If I had, it would have been out of my control and I'd have been relying on the state.

@Happycat1212

Because he is having the children so he doesn’t need to pay it

So who pays for the food when he’s got them?

[quote LucieStar]@Pumperthepumper

It's irrelevant because I've been fortunate enough to never have been made redundant. If I had, it would have been out of my control and I'd have been relying on the state. [/quote]
Well it’s not irrelevant because if you had children to support you’d have to get a job regardless of how determined you were to have your dream career. It would have to be put aside because you have responsibilities that are more important.

The thing is if the £7 is really the difference between the child eating or not then the op isn’t providing for her children either which is what she is complaining about him not doing.

@Happycat1212

The thing is if the £7 is really the difference between the child eating or not then the op isn’t providing for her children either which is what she is complaining about him not doing.

But she’s the RP - so she’s providing their care.

Again, if £7 is such a paltry amount, why isn’t he paying it?

I'd email and say "as there is nil maintenance incoming, we will need to switch to a 50/50 arrangement. Please see attached a calendar for the remainder of the year. I have highlighted key dates for the DC to be with me. Please mark half of the days on the calendar as those you are taking the dc for the night. Their school pick up time is X and they need to be dropped there at Y on a morning - so you can arrange transporting them. I look forward to your reply"

@Happycat1212

The thing is if the £7 is really the difference between the child eating or not then the op isn’t providing for her children either which is what she is complaining about him not doing.

You keep trying to push this stupid point but clearly she is providing for them, she just wants their father to contribute. She is quite right.

@Pumperthepumper

You asked me how many children I stopped supporting to chase my dream - that is irrelevant because in my case, redundancy was never a complicating factor. I was lucky in that my career pathway was a secure one with a guaranteed income despite its challenges to progress up the ladder. If I'd been made redundant, I would no way have given up my dream. If it meant relying on the state temporarily to see me through until I could get my career plans back on track, it's what I would have done. I would never have given up on my dreams, because I had sight of the bigger picture, and my daughter now reaps the financial benefits of my determination. I obviously don't know if the man in question here as a chance of making his career dreams work this time - maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But I still commend someone who's trying to make a difference and staying focussed on their passion. Like I said if he was doing absolutely nothing and had no plans to provide for his kids, it would be entirely different.

He has offered to have them but she won't allow it why not let him have them over the Easter holidays

[quote LucieStar]@Pumperthepumper

You asked me how many children I stopped supporting to chase my dream - that is irrelevant because in my case, redundancy was never a complicating factor. I was lucky in that my career pathway was a secure one with a guaranteed income despite its challenges to progress up the ladder. If I'd been made redundant, I would no way have given up my dream. If it meant relying on the state temporarily to see me through until I could get my career plans back on track, it's what I would have done. I would never have given up on my dreams, because I had sight of the bigger picture, and my daughter now reaps the financial benefits of my determination. I obviously don't know if the man in question here as a chance of making his career dreams work this time - maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But I still commend someone who's trying to make a difference and staying focussed on their passion. Like I said if he was doing absolutely nothing and had no plans to provide for his kids, it would be entirely different. [/quote]
But the father isn’t relying on the state either, he’s just not providing anything for him while he chases his dream.

So it is relevant.

I don’t believe for one second you would have stopped providing for your daughter completely just so you could eventually get the career you wanted. That’s ridiculous.

*anything for them

Because he doesn’t need to pay it because he is having them enough, I also don’t understand why he can’t have them 50/50 because he lives an hour away? An hour isn’t really unusual travelling distance to secondary school.

@Happycat1212

Because he doesn’t need to pay it because he is having them enough, I also don’t understand why he can’t have them 50/50 because he lives an hour away? An hour isn’t really unusual travelling distance to secondary school.

You’d think he’d want to though eh? What with it being such a miserable amount for the two children he made?

I don’t believe for one second you would have stopped providing for your daughter completely just so you could eventually get the career you wanted. That’s ridiculous.

I didn't once say I would stop providing for her completely. I said I'd be reliant upon benefits and actually, I imagine I'd have also temporarily leant on her Dad for extra support while I got myself back on track, given he was largely supportive of my career plans knowing the bigger picture was for our DD's benefit.

It's not just about a career I "wanted" - it was about the end goal which ultimately is financial security for my daughter. Which is where I am now thanks to that decade of hard graft.

@LucieStar

I don’t believe for one second you would have stopped providing for your daughter completely just so you could eventually get the career you wanted. That’s ridiculous.

I didn't once say I would stop providing for her completely. I said I'd be reliant upon benefits and actually, I imagine I'd have also temporarily leant on her Dad for extra support while I got myself back on track, given he was largely supportive of my career plans knowing the bigger picture was for our DD's benefit.

It's not just about a career I "wanted" - it was about the end goal which ultimately is financial security for my daughter. Which is where I am now thanks to that decade of hard graft.

So not really the same as providing nothing for your children to chase a dream you’ve already failed at then?

@Happycat1212

Well it’s funny as there was a thread on here literally days ago where a woman didn’t want to pay her husbands child maintenance yet was told but every poster she was not responsible and he was solely responsible for paying, now suddenly on this thread the wider family IS responsible and they should be stepping up and paying, you can’t make it up! MN at its finest. You have no idea about the families circumstances and if they can even afford to pay for children that they didn’t chose to have. The only people responsible are it’s two parents like it was said on the other thread.

yes , but that thread was about the women paying for her husbands child maintanance , this is the op wanting her ex husband to pay her it for his own 2 twins , she hasnt mentioned the ex husbands girlfriend contributing to it has she ? the only thing thats been said by op is that she hoped contacting his parents might kick the lazy tosser into touch to get off his ass and get a job , not that she hoped they would pay it for him ! the op had outlined his circumstances and he and the gf are living on a farm with a bunch of horses that cost quite a bit to keep , plus all the chickens and dogs and doing it all on the dole . id say their circumstances are pretty damn fine , im a single working parent and iv only got 4 house rabbits plus the 2 cats and its well tight each month .. he could well afford to pay the op the money if he wanted to work , but sounds like hes having a nice time taking the piss on the dole

Shocking isn’t it? Amazing how little the NRP has to pay for their actual children

You can't take what someone doesn't have though and that's the problem. CM can only go on the NRP's reported earnings, and in this case it's nothing. So unless he chooses to hand something over off his own back then there's literally nothing anyone can do.

I am surprised this man isn't at least picking up a part-time job to at least support himself and the children when they are with him. He could pick up some driving/supermarket shifts and still carry on building his new business.

I guess the only consolation for you OP is that if he and his GF are both on jobseekers chances are they are a lot worse off than you are.

@Pumperthepumper

Ok. I'm going to disengage, as I feel no matter what I say you're going to argue my points for the sake of an argument.

I stand by my points. I feel this guy isn't a total loser Dad like many, and I commend the efforts he is making after redundancy.

I'm too emotionally and physically drained to engage anymore as I'm due to give birth in 7 days and that's where my energies need to be.

yes , but that thread was about the women paying for her husbands child maintanance , this is the op wanting her ex husband to pay her it for his own 2 twins , she hasnt mentioned the ex husbands girlfriend contributing to it has she ? the only thing thats been said by op is that she hoped contacting his parents might kick the lazy tosser into touch to get off his ass and get a job , not that she hoped they would pay it for him ! the op had outlined his circumstances and he and the gf are living on a farm with a bunch of horses that cost quite a bit to keep , plus all the chickens and dogs and doing it all on the dole . id say their circumstances are pretty damn fine , im a single working parent and iv only got 4 house rabbits plus the 2 cats and its well tight each month .. he could well afford to pay the op the money if he wanted to work , but sounds like hes having a nice time taking the piss on the dole

Not at all, it says in the op she TOLD the parents they are JUST as responsible for the children as HE is, that to me implies she believes that they are just as responsible for making payments as he is, otherwise how the hell are they just as responsible 🤦‍♀️ also posters on here have said that the guys parenting SHOULD be paying!

[quote LucieStar]@Pumperthepumper

Ok. I'm going to disengage, as I feel no matter what I say you're going to argue my points for the sake of an argument.

I stand by my points. I feel this guy isn't a total loser Dad like many, and I commend the efforts he is making after redundancy.

I'm too emotionally and physically drained to engage anymore as I'm due to give birth in 7 days and that's where my energies need to be.[/quote]
I don’t see how you can say that knowing he’s not paying anything towards his children’s lives. Nothing. For four months. No new clothes, no food, nothing. And also doing nothing to change that, bar having another go at something he’s already fucked up and should be taking a back seat until he’s more financially stable.

Hope all goes well with the new baby

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc.

How else did she mean the children are just as much his families responsibility?? I don’t even see my own family as responsible for MY children, they are the ops children neither of the extended families are responsible for them. If there was a post on here from a woman claiming her family should be babysitting her children because they are just as responsible for them or should be paying towards supporting the children are again they are “just as responsible” she would be torn to shreds!

@Happycat1212

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc.

How else did she mean the children are just as much his families responsibility?? I don’t even see my own family as responsible for MY children, they are the ops children neither of the extended families are responsible for them. If there was a post on here from a woman claiming her family should be babysitting her children because they are just as responsible for them or should be paying towards supporting the children are again they are “just as responsible” she would be torn to shreds!

To give a bit more context to the email - during the doorstep argument he said that my mum can help me out financially if I need money - effectively shirking his responsibility and placing it on my mum. My email to his parents said that the grandchildren are just as much their responsibility as it is my mums. My mum doesn't have any legal responsibility to support them and the same goes for them.

You’ve read it wrong.

Lol she changed her tune how many pages in ?! 😂😂 when the comments didn’t go her way!