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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 08/04/2021 21:01

I understand what my DH has been doing for the last several years. Some things he can discuss, some he can't. My previous post in this thread still applies. I don't see what's keeping OP's husband busy until 2am. That just sounds odd.

I think you are misunderstanding my point @MmeLaraque- I was saying that if she understands the detail of his job he will be less likely to be able to justify working till 2am. If she doesn’t, he can try to bamboozle her with “oh you’d never understand why I am sooo busy”.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 21:02

He just told them about all the wonderful stuff that he was doing and they just told him he WAS wonderful.
I imagine that's what he took from it, alright.

silentlight · 08/04/2021 21:04

@GreyhoundG1rl

He just told them about all the wonderful stuff that he was doing and they just told him he WAS wonderful. I imagine that's what he took from it, alright.
I do wonder if he actually heard anything else they said
billy1966 · 08/04/2021 21:07

@MiddleParking, you made me laugh, because yes, without the C word, I can definitely imagine that being the conversation in a lot of houses.

@longhaulstress

Without exception IMO the egotistical guys were all those who were screwing about in the office.

They had young children at home and were no longer getting sufficient adoration and focus.

Fxckwits all, without exception.

Sevensilverrings · 08/04/2021 21:07

Tell him you’ve literally created a new human life. And now you are nurturing a completely dependant human, 25/7. You regularly have meetings in the middle of the night. You are that important and busy.
Ask him why he thinks it’s what he’s doing in your family that constantly needs centre stage.

Oly4 · 08/04/2021 21:17

Can’t you just tell him? Can you please stop going on about how important and busy you are all the time? Oh and by the way, We’ve just had a baby!! Make yourself less busy so you can be a good parent

lottiegarbanzo · 08/04/2021 21:19

Asking you to share a story about him is such bad judgement (why would your friends care about his work? Are they in the same field as him?) and suggests he really does need help - mentoring, managing, a strong-willed PA - to work smart, not busy.

randomer · 08/04/2021 21:24

I suppose he earning shed loads of money being so busy.

Why not suggest to goes part time or becomes the main carer for baby?

TillyTopper · 08/04/2021 21:26

I wouldn't want to be dealing with that. Ask him why he feels he needs the validation of others and leave him to think!

Cyberworrier · 08/04/2021 21:30

I’ve read this with interest as my husband also works in IT and is a bit of a high flyer with workaholic tendencies. He often works late with excuse of US based colleagues emailing. He does have some hobbies/interests outside of work, unlike yours it seems OP? (although he does moan about not having enough time).
Have you tried to discuss with him how his constant working and focus on work makes you feel? There are, as you know, impacts on other areas from someone focusing solely on their work, for their relationships, mental health and physical health. If I was you, I’d try to make notes and work out what could change to make the situation work better for you as a family, and arrange to have a proper conversation about it. While, being mindful that he probably wouldn’t be comfortable (or able, realistically) starting to work 9-6 hours all of the sudden, but that it would be reasonable to expect him to be able to spend some time away from work in evenings and certainly at weekends, to focus on family time. There does need to be balance if he wants to maintain a healthy relationship with you and the baby and you’re not unreasonable to be uncomfortable with his current attitude.

Wondergirl100 · 08/04/2021 21:31

OH dear is all I can say reading your posts OP. You write like a bright, witty woman ! And you are sad for your husband that he can't see the essentially futile nature of striving so hard for recognition at/ and for work above all else. He sounds incredibly overfocused on work - I have some sympathy for this.

I work in a very competitive industry and I know how it is to obsess about work to the point of posting on social media/ wanting to share how tough my job is etc - the difference I think is because I'm a woman, I have always worked part time and in particular since having kids ten years ago I have worked part time.

This means I have HAD to have balance - something I see men unable to achieve.

The truth is, his job doesn't matter much (none of our jobs really do) - and you can't achieve your way out of low self esteem.

All I can suggest is to keep sitting him down and saying - you are over attaching to your job, you are giving it too much of yourself .

Looking at emails in bed is UNACCEPTABLE. It's literally loser behaviour. Unless you are in charge of the nuclear codes, you need to switch off.

Working til 2am/ reading emails late at night/ he is as you say going to work himself into the grave.

Would he consider taking some time off? he might find it easier to have 3 months off when he knows he can't check in than to actually manage his time better.

MrsMaizel · 08/04/2021 21:34

My ex H was like this but it was due to having parents who praised every little achievement of his . He was the golden child after his very difficult brother . He needed this feedback in work and also it turned out in me . It seems I didn't value him enough . He was given early retirement at 50 and a pension then- most people would be laughing , not him . He got a new job . As I said he is my ex - nothing I could do or say was enough and he found someone who did it seems. He did me a favour !

MissingMyOldLife · 08/04/2021 21:34

Jesus, how exhausting. I have the complete opposite. My DH is a very high flyer. He is a Global Head, heads up international conferences, gives interviews on TV, and wins loads of awards for what he does. I find this out from others because he never tells me anything. He's very modest. Up until a few years ago, I didn't even know what he did. Err, something in finance. Blush

DailyCandy · 08/04/2021 21:37

Insecurity. That’s what it comes down to.
And imposter syndrome.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 21:37

@MissingMyOldLife

Jesus, how exhausting. I have the complete opposite. My DH is a very high flyer. He is a Global Head, heads up international conferences, gives interviews on TV, and wins loads of awards for what he does. I find this out from others because he never tells me anything. He's very modest. Up until a few years ago, I didn't even know what he did. Err, something in finance. Blush
Indeed. This is why I assume op's DH's delusions of grandeur are all in his head, and he actually holds a fairly mundane position (and wishes he didn't).
Whydidimarryhim · 08/04/2021 21:45

Your husband is a workaholic which is an addiction actually.
He’s addicted to work in the same way people become addicted to alcohol, drugs or sex.
He needs to join a 12 step fellowship.
He could look at adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. I’m not sure if there is a workaholics anonymous?
He doesn’t recognise he has a problem.
You cannot fix him, change him or control him.
The only person you can work on is yourself.
You are currently living as a single parent.
He’s acting like a single man.
It’s not currently a marriage.
I hope you have some real life support.

Blessex · 08/04/2021 21:48

@MissingMyOldLife my DH and I both work in full time jobs. It takes up the majority of our day. Aren’t you a bit worried he never tells you anything about his day? I always ask my DH what has happened today and listen. He does the same. You didn’t know what your DH does? Really?

jamaisjedors · 08/04/2021 21:54

If he'd be open to suggestions about how to manage his time, i have read a few good books, one was "beyond busy" and the other was "productivity ninja".

Both stress the importance of making time for family life and also make the point that "clearing" emails is a total illusion, the work will always keep coming, it's never going to be quiet, it's up to you to change how you manage it.

Of course you have to want to change, which i suspect he doesn't.

My husband was always a hard worker, which initially was "a good thing" as pp have said.

It turned into a nightmare once we had a family.

And a divorce once I got a better job than him and threatened his self image and so turned abusive...

LittleBearPad · 08/04/2021 21:59

Argh at share the post on Facebook. What a dope.

I recognise the competitive busyness from listening to endless lift conversations. One must always be BUSY!!

What would he say if you if you pointed any of this out?

CheeryTreeBlossom · 08/04/2021 22:00

Honestly I don't think things will change until he leaves this job, he's too ingrained in the culture and how he is perceived by his team.

A viewpoint from perhaps the other (his) side on the work obsession:
I had similar where I was overworked and in some ways it did become part of how I defined myself. I was "needed" and "essential" - basically managers knew they could dump anything on me and I would put in the hours and get it done. A lot of companies do rely on such "martyrs" but only because otherwise they have to actually hire enough people to cover the work.
I don't think I sought approval from DH but I was working past midnight a lot of the time and it became part of my identity to be that person overachieving and overworked. For a while it was great, I was praised and moved up quickly. It validated my worth that they needed me to work evenings, weekends.
But then I found I couldn't switch off. Not I didn't want to, but I couldn't. I would lie at night thinking about my projects and sit on my blackberry scrolling through during dinner or films.

I realised the culture in the department was toxic but by then I felt I couldn't leave because it was such a part of me.
When I finally made the decision to leave I almost couldn't cope and started having panic attacks. They tried to pay me more to stay and at that point DH stepped in and said "no amount of money is worth what it's doing to you".

I went to the same job in another firm and the culture is completely different. Work stops at a reasonable hour and I don't check emails in the evening. I don't think about work at all when I'm not logged in. I would have had a nervous breakdown had I stayed (2 people in the team did while I was there).

Ultimately he needs to come to the realisation that this isn't working, at least not for his family. He is probably seeking your approval to validate the fact that he is prioritising work over you and the baby, so he wants you to agree that it is really super important and that's why it's okay.

Peachee · 08/04/2021 22:00

Sounds like a workaholic to me. I’m not sure validation such as driven, disciplined and busy would quite cut it with me.. life’s too short to stuff a mushroom.

LittleBearPad · 08/04/2021 22:02

[quote Blessex]@MissingMyOldLife my DH and I both work in full time jobs. It takes up the majority of our day. Aren’t you a bit worried he never tells you anything about his day? I always ask my DH what has happened today and listen. He does the same. You didn’t know what your DH does? Really?[/quote]
I wouldn’t be worried. I listen when something has actually happened but not generic work stuff.

Phineyj · 08/04/2021 22:07

Oh dear. I am sorry, OP. My friend is married to one of these (he does have a hobby but he's pretty tedious about that too). Worst of all, he is now working on the supply chain for one of the vaccines so he is finally as important as he thought he was!

All I can suggest is you cultivate your friends and family and take notes for your future comic novel. I got one out of my experience working for an absolute twat once.

BobOrKate · 08/04/2021 22:10

@Covert19 and I are in the same boat. I'm 13 years ahead of you op, and I don't quite know how or why I could have changed things.
I was/am in a very niche, interesting at a dinner party, role. DH is in a very different field, different skill set. But not only was he so, so busy in his important job but also got so, so busy in leisure times learning then beating my skill set.

So I've raised two kids, full time, from baby to teen whilst he practiced and learnt my skills in an inept hobby way! My career has revived occasionally over the years, each time he takes the chance to have a tantrum right on my first day.

I'm not sure that I have any advice but last year I was away for 12weeks and it was the most fun, happy time of my life, the old me was still there just buried. Bizarrely I still love him but I don't respect him for the way he has treated me.

Dream about the long term you.....what would be good?

Kenshi · 08/04/2021 22:11

My goodness I couldn't stand a man over 25 who was like this nevermind at his age.
Seriously, it sounds like he's overcompensating for an area he is not addressing/ wanting a distraction from.

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