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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
MeridasMum · 08/04/2021 22:15

Every role can have ridiculously busy periods but, If I found someone in my team was answering emails in bed and regularly working till 2am (and if I knew that their workload was not too demanding) it would tell me they are not up to the job.

Showing off about being that busy is not telling people what he thinks it is. It only shows him in a bad light. Tell him that!

Blessex · 08/04/2021 22:18

@LittleBearPad we both talk to each other about what has happened in our day. Generic work stuff. If we didn’t I wouldn’t feel connected to his day and I want him to be connected with my day. Apart from the connection that gives you - the risk is that if you are not - somebody else will be.

topcat2014 · 08/04/2021 22:18

If he were to die there would be someone in his office chair before his funeral.

lazylump72 · 08/04/2021 22:20

You could try one last thing OP...here goes!
He is looking for congratulations, get him between the sheets and tell him what ever he does in life nothing will come close to how he makes you feel right now.
OK so it might be a bit of a fib but it gives you a get out clause,so next time he rattles on bless him just say ssshhhh darling do you remember what I told you the other night?
Then you carry on with your ironing and hope he shuts up!

Sjdmcfeet · 08/04/2021 22:39

I couldn't be bothered with this the only person this man loves is himself

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 08/04/2021 22:44

Buy a pack of sticky stars, stick one on him each time he looks for kudos. He sounds like he's 5, you may aswell treat him like it.

LittleBearPad · 08/04/2021 22:46

[quote Blessex]@LittleBearPad we both talk to each other about what has happened in our day. Generic work stuff. If we didn’t I wouldn’t feel connected to his day and I want him to be connected with my day. Apart from the connection that gives you - the risk is that if you are not - somebody else will be.[/quote]
I sincerely doubt it. We’ve barely been more than 20 metres apart for a year now. She’d have to be a ninja.

pickaxer · 08/04/2021 22:46

I divorced my first husband because of this. Hard to explain to people really, would of been easier for it to have been an affair. He qualified in something, which was hard and took him years with some re-sits and repeated modules. He then spent lots of time contacting people he used to go to school with on Facebook and finding colleagues from 15 years back to brag about it. He would say to me x still lives in the village and works in the corner shop full time. I hated his attitude, because someone has to work in the corner shop and where he grew up there isn't much employment apart from seasonal farming. I don't like to look down on anyone as I've been there. He also only had a easy ride, because he got together with me and I worked full time and ran a business. I can't believe how much he changed from a normal humble person. Now I'm actually married to my current "DH" as the whole ex changing thing put me off being tied down even though I am tied down by the kids, joint mortgage.

Coyoacan · 08/04/2021 22:46

I just came on here to say that I love your writing style and sense of humour, OP, your dh is missing out on loads.

He sounds like a workaholic, which I think has more in common with alcoholics than we'd like to think.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/04/2021 23:04

He 'wishes' he could be around more. He 'yearns' for balance

He really doesn't, saying it just burnishes his wondrous busyness.

Perhaps part of the reason he is like this is due to a very problematic upbringing whereby they were near homelessness for a while there. I don't know

Ask him. I certainly know this can be a factor but I've never come across a case where the worrier wasn't very aware of the roots of it. Even then, that might account for overworking or over saving but not for the performance and need for constant praise - that is a different issue.

I knew you would say he works in tech for a big company. This kind of nonsense is endemic in the industry and the irony is that this kind of performance rarely pays off long term. I've had managers/engineers and senior managers/engineers pull this stunt thinking that looking overwhelmed will create a good impression but it doesn't and it often stops them making the next level who perceive them as useful bodies but not bodies to entrust with more complex decision making and relationships.

Its also a very handy tactic for avoiding the more tedious aspects of parenting a baby. What happens when you go back to work? Or is your career to be sacrificed on the altar of Mr BigCheese?

HotPotatoe22 · 08/04/2021 23:08

I'm just about to file for a divorce from a man just like your husband. Good luck x

Coyoacan · 08/04/2021 23:27

Its also a very handy tactic for avoiding the more tedious aspects of parenting a baby. What happens when you go back to work? Or is your career to be sacrificed on the altar of Mr BigCheese?

I'm really in favour of SAHPs, but it would be hell if married to a workaholic. Children can be great company, but you need adult company as well as someone to hand the child over to at the end of the day.

Sarahzb · 09/04/2021 01:03

Well, I’ve loved working from home over the lockdown and done more hours. But. Even if you enjoy it and get plaudits, there is such a thing as work/life balance. When you’ve clocked off, enjoy where you are and the people you’re actually with. Say to him, I know work gives you pleasure and that’s good, relax and be with us now and look forward to your work tomorrow. It seems silly to say it, but be yourself in the moment. Those moments will never be here again.

RedcurrantPuff · 09/04/2021 01:05

@topcat2014

If he were to die there would be someone in his office chair before his funeral.
Spot on
stevalnamechanger · 09/04/2021 01:16

www.theguardian.com/news/oliver-burkeman-s-blog/2014/mar/24/busy-bragging-epidemic

Sums it up well!

randomer · 09/04/2021 09:21

I suppose he is earning a big fat salary.
Why not jack it all in and live in a narrow boat?

DianeCherry · 09/04/2021 09:24

@stevalnamechanger

https://www.theguardian.com/news/oliver-burkeman-s-blog/2014/mar/24/busy-bragging-epidemic

Sums it up well!

Great article!
NewlyGranny · 09/04/2021 09:32

Has anyone suggested creating a bingo card you can score with his key brags and moans so you can shout "Bingo!" at him when you've filled it?

Seriously, I did a silent count down from ten for mine the other day when we drove past some wind turbines because I knew the claptrap he would inevitably utter. I only got to six. I told him his score. He shut up and talked about something else more interesting. Deep joy.

MajesticWhine · 09/04/2021 09:40

Oh god this sounds tedious (and a bit familiar. DH can be like this). You can't help but think all that self importance is hiding some serious self esteem issues. Feeling unappreciated will be traceable right back to his childhood. I'm almost certain of it.
You need to bring him back to earth. Time for a serious conversation about what is important in life. All this striving and bigging himself up - is it really working for him and making him happy or is it just feeding the monster.

Roszie · 09/04/2021 09:49

Is that you, Carrie?

riverrunner · 09/04/2021 10:00

the irony is that this kind of performance rarely pays off long term. I've had managers/engineers and senior managers/engineers pull this stunt thinking that looking overwhelmed will create a good impression but it doesn't and it often stops them making the next level who perceive them as useful bodies but not bodies to entrust with more complex decision making and relationships.

Its also a very handy tactic for avoiding the more tedious aspects of parenting a baby. What happens when you go back to work? Or is your career to be sacrificed on the altar of Mr BigCheese?

Absolutely this. People with such poor work habits, who are this performatively overwhelmed, aren't going to manage to surpass the 'useful drone' stage.

And absolutely, OP, you need to think about your return to work, and making it very clear that he's just as liable as you for the kind of stuff that happens when you have two careers and a small child in childcare -- covering sickness, emergencies, medical appointments, childminder/nursery closures etc. DH is CEO of a big organisation and he still manages this stuff. Because nothing exempts you from parenting.

I've said this or something similar on Mn before, probably under a different name, but a friend of mine was very like your husband, minus the eternal boasting -- he was never off his work email, he went in at weekends, he left the house before 7 am, and got back around 8 pm. He continually huffed and puffed about his workload, and gave the impression he was irreplaceable and running the place. His wife, who worked in an entirely different field, believed him implicitly.

It was only when I started meeting her that I saw the scales gradually fall from her eyes. Because I did the same job as her DH, working 9 to 5 three days a week in the office and two days WFH, working efficiently. I think she finally got it when I was promoted above her DH. I'm very fond of him as a human being, but in work terms, he's a faffer who wastes time, is disorganised and inefficient, and uses work as an alibi for not parenting and being involved in family life. He was considered a liability in our shared workplace.

He's now also divorced, and having to deal for the first time in his life with day to day parenting, cooking, cleaning, playdates, homework etc etc when the children are with him.

Itsalwayssunnyin · 09/04/2021 10:19

This is a very self absorbed existence on your husbands behalf. And I agree with PP this is a typical Narcissitic trait - the need to be constantly praised and validated.

I’d be concerned about this behaviour. How does he support you with your depression? Do he hold space for your emotions in the marriage?

Covert19 · 09/04/2021 10:20

Update on my husband, who is working his notice period at present: this morning he commented that he's surprised his CEO hasn't contacted him to express dismay over his leaving. I gently pointed out that this might be because the CEO regards him as a replaceable resource, and doesn't care who is doing his job, as long as somebody is.

I feel sorry for him - a lot of my husband's motivation is the desire to be popular/liked, so he gets involved in all the nitty-gritty and loves to feel indispensable. He's thoroughly enjoyed all the "oh no! We can't believe you're leaving us," comments from his subordinates, who he has poured himself out for time and time again (who wouldn't? It's nice to be adored), but those above him - nah, they couldn't care less.

The only people for whom he is truly irreplaceable are the children and me. I remind him of this as often as possible. I also remind him that, were he to drop dead of an untimely stress-induced heart attack, I would replace him with a dog, who would at least be there all of the time, life insurance having taken care of the mortgage etc.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/04/2021 10:35

@MissingMyOldLife

Jesus, how exhausting. I have the complete opposite. My DH is a very high flyer. He is a Global Head, heads up international conferences, gives interviews on TV, and wins loads of awards for what he does. I find this out from others because he never tells me anything. He's very modest. Up until a few years ago, I didn't even know what he did. Err, something in finance. Blush
You sound like one of the many preening wives that post here. I always find them a bit sad. They seem to be non-entities in their own right, just as an appendage to Mr Wonderful.

I don't like it any more when women purport to have 'grown a whole new human being'. It's overdone and unnecessary.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/04/2021 10:46

[quote Blessex]@LittleBearPad we both talk to each other about what has happened in our day. Generic work stuff. If we didn’t I wouldn’t feel connected to his day and I want him to be connected with my day. Apart from the connection that gives you - the risk is that if you are not - somebody else will be.[/quote]
Other people probably are connecting with him every day, in a workplace scenario that is entirely appropriate.

If you think that just because you take an interest in what he is doing in his work day that he wouldn't play away, you'd be wrong, he either would go there or he wouldn't.

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