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Original poster

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
OnWednesdaysWeWearMink · 08/04/2021 19:22

Do you think he would be open to attending career coaching or work-focused counselling? You could position it as a way to help him avoid burn out and find balance/time for your relationship.

Because quite apart from the damage it’s doing to you, working like this will harm his work life and his team.

Do all his company work like this? It could ultimately be the company culture which is very hard to escape from.

Does he maybe feel inadequate and unable to say no to requests from seniors? Does he micromanage his team? This is the sort of thing he could explore in coaching.

DarkMatterA2Z · 08/04/2021 19:29

Wait a second... You've got a young baby and he's "too busy" to help? You need to nip that in the bud pronto.

For the rest of it, he sounds quite tedious but, if you're sure the man you once enjoyed spending time with is buried in there somewhere, I think your best bet is to call him out every time he asks for validation. Either give him a Peppa Pig sticker chart or make sarcastic comments about the PM having him on speed-dial for advice. Eventually he'll get the message that he's being a bit of a plonker.

NineOClockOnASaturday · 08/04/2021 19:31

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd advise you to put your fist to your mouth as though holding a trumpet and shout "DO, DO, DO!" very loudly as though trumpeting an urgent announcement every single time he mentions some triumph.

Can't stand people blowing their own trumpet.

There are so many situations in which I want to do this!
Mittens030869 · 08/04/2021 19:33

I’m another one who thinks he’s using his ‘busyness’ with work to abdicate his role in being a dad to his new baby.

Whythesadface · 08/04/2021 19:38

Making him watch Big Bang and tell him if he doesn't think of others then he will turn into Sheldon,

theleafandnotthetree · 08/04/2021 19:40

@MiddleParking

You must be being far too polite to him and appearing to take it seriously. This conversation wouldn’t happen twice in my house because I’d laugh in his face and say, you’re making a cunt of yourself, pack it in.
I think I love you Grin
Cherrysoup · 08/04/2021 19:40

I’d say no to promoting him on fb-to what purpose? Purely so your mates can see how great he is?

My dh and I have an unspoken rule: talk/vent/tell funny stories about work when we get in, then we don’t really talk about it again. It would be boring. Can you start a similar routine, OP? Something has to give! You must be so bored.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 08/04/2021 19:41

Perhaps part of the reason he is like this is due to a very problematic upbringing whereby they were near homelessness for a while there

So he's terrified of being made redundant/managed out/fired and putting you and the baby through that? And is desperately trying to prove to the company that he is too useful to be got rid of?

I think that telling him his deepest fears are stupid/anxieties are boring and he's not that important could possibly be the worst thing you could do to somebody that anxious.

Protecting himself from burnout/breakdown/stress related depression or other things that do account for male deaths should be a priority. Perhaps having access to counselling of his own would help.

Otherwise, if there are people being made redundant/fired/managed out and he's on the receiving end of a P45, the impact upon him (and by extension upon you and the baby) could be devastating.

HaveringWavering · 08/04/2021 19:47

OP you have a great way with words and I hope that you can find a way to get him to listen, really listen to what you are saying.

I agree with most of what other posters have said, but I have a slightly different question for you, just to understand the dynamic. You say he accuses you of not understanding his sacrifice, but do you understand, in a detailed way, what he is doing all day eg did you previously work in a similar field, and/or does he actually go into detail about what is keeping him so busy? I ask because men whose wives know the detail are less able to get away quite this shut; conversely, if their partners don’t understand it they use that lack of understanding to lord it over them, patronise them and claim that they could not possibly understand. You sound pretty smart so I am hoping you are in the former category.

My husband and I do fairly similar work, albeit in different industries. Usually if I moan about being overworked etc he will sit me down and go through the details with me and give me career coach type suggestions to fix things. Or he’ll laugh a bit and say “well, you know if you had spent less time faffing about doing x you wouldn’t be in this position”. I really like sharing on that level but it’s not for everyone.

HaveringWavering · 08/04/2021 19:48

less able to get away quite this shut- that should read “less able to get away with this shit”.

YouNoob · 08/04/2021 19:49

Oh dear. Does he wfh? Maybe it’s his way of coping with the pandemic?

MmeLaraque · 08/04/2021 19:51

@BodyRocks80s

My DH started a new job last year, far more demanding and probably important than his last, I know he’s doing well because he has already been given a performance pay rise. But other than that I have no idea about anything. The most he talks about his job is, I have a busy day tomorrow so will be locked in my office all day or I’ve got a quiet afternoon so I will pick the DCs up if you want? I might find out if there is a problem for him to fix if it’s pissed him off due to his body language, he wouldn’t volunteer this information but if I ask he well tell me some incompetent idiot somewhere has done something somewhere creating a shit load if work for him to clear up. Buts that’s it. His last job was the same, I only knew how well he was doing when I saw his leaving card and what his bosses and work mates wrote about him.

If he did tell me how wonderfully important and busy he is my response would be well done you, just as long as your not too important to take the bins out and change shitty nappies I don’t really care.

This. Except mine started a few years ago. Works the hours he's supposed to work, with the odd call/video meeting taking everyone over by up to an hour. He's usually fast asleep by 9pm, so there's no way he's dealing with emails/whatever at 2am Grin

He does tell me (if I ask) when audios/video calls are due, so that I don't disturb those, but I'm more interested in when he's finishing for the day, because he's a dad and husband first, so I need to know whether he's available at "standard" finishing time or not.

We both have important stuff to do. The only difference is that he gets paid more than I do. He appreciates this, so it works.

StormTreader · 08/04/2021 19:53

When was the last time he congratulated you for all the work you do?

CalicoKate · 08/04/2021 19:55

Funny thread title Grin

Kettledodger · 08/04/2021 19:57

OMG I really would be put off with this type of behaviour. Sure be supportive etc but this needy type is really not a good look for anyone.

EveningOverRooftops · 08/04/2021 19:58

He sounds like a legend in his own lunch hour OP. I send you strength.

silverbubbles · 08/04/2021 20:10

I have a father like this. Been like it my entire life and now he is in his senior years. It's so boring but I think he is incapable of change.
Never had time for us when we were young because he was so involved with himself and his very important work. Was not able to even recognise this. I would avoid conversations with him as it would always be turned into an opportunity to talk about himself.

IloveJKRowling · 08/04/2021 20:17

Bills do need to be paid but the fact the company survived when he was ill suggests that he's not as essential as he thinks.... you're doing such an important and difficult job too OP with the baby and there doesn't seem to be much recognition of (or support for) that.

Maybe when he misses a weekend with his child next you could ask him if he thinks his job is more important than his child? Or as PP suggested, on his deathbed, does he think he'll be worried about the work he didn't do or the time he missed with his baby and seeing his child grow up?

MerryDecembermas · 08/04/2021 20:25

You might get somewhere by framing it as being a workaholic, a serious addiction.

But then OP dropped in the new baby and unfortunately he is going to resist pulling his weight there, and become even more entrenched in his Very Important Job bullcrap.

What an arsehole.

MiddleParking · 08/04/2021 20:52

These types take workaholic as a compliment. I worked with a guy like this and he literally couldn’t have been more useless and ineffectual, it was common knowledge. Hard to get rid of people in my industry so managers just gave him made up ‘special projects’ with no bearing on anything so he couldn’t fuck any real work up. Then he used to talk really seriously at team meetings about unmanageable workload and the risk of burnout, failing to realise that everyone else’s arses were clenching in embarrassment for him. Every time you said ‘how’s it going?’ as a polite greeting you got a deluge about how busy he was. I suspect with her not knowing the wider context he probably had his wife convinced that he was genuinely extremely busy and essential, just couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Dindundundundeeer · 08/04/2021 20:55

I have some sympathy with your husband. I was very much defined by work, always pushing, always the rising star. Then I had kids. I could compete, but chose not to. It’s very hard, I feel that I’ve ‘lost’ a competition. I’ve actively had to stop and now I realise that it was the validation that drove me (shoulder and chip come to mind). It hard, but worthwhile. You might find that financial planning helps relieve some pressure too.

MmeLaraque · 08/04/2021 20:56

@HaveringWavering

You say he accuses you of not understanding his sacrifice, but do you understand, in a detailed way, what he is doing all day eg did you previously work in a similar field, and/or does he actually go into detail about what is keeping him so busy?

I understand what my DH has been doing for the last several years. Some things he can discuss, some he can't. My previous post in this thread still applies. I don't see what's keeping OP's husband busy until 2am. That just sounds odd.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/04/2021 20:57

@AdifferentGoat

PS he just asked me to share an article about him on my Facebook Wink I need to 'spread' the word. Further his profile photo is of he standing in the office. And it gets better, he's commented underneath that even though it's been a 'manic' and insufferable year... He's proud to be part of a company doing 'big things' Cringe cringe cringe. #why
Share. An. Article. An article about HIM. On your Facebook. To spread the word.

WTAF?

Is your FB slavishly followed by the leaders of his industry? I'm struggling to see any point in what he asked you to do.

The only thing I'm taking from it is - he's self-absorbed. Which chimes with "using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him". And from other things you've posted, that he's actually VERY shit at delegating. He has an assistant and a team, but he's still soooo busy. Which probably means if he learned to delegate and stopped wasting time talking about me, me, me - he'd stop being a dull boy and you and he could spend time together happily.

But to do that, he's going to have to give his head a wobble and stop being busy being busy. He needs to be less busy just doing his job, delegating to his assistant and team, and knock the strutting on the head.

longhaulstress · 08/04/2021 20:59

Speaking from bitter experience I find men like this often have affairs because of their constant need for validation and admiration. My exh was like this and it became so ingrained in me congratulating him every single day on quite mundane things that I've only realised how exhausting it was now that we're separated.

It's like they can't exist without it. So unbelievably tiresome. We did the 5 love languages quiz a few years ago and unsurprisingly his top one was indeed 'words of affirmation' but he took it to a whole new level.

silentlight · 08/04/2021 21:00

Oohhhh heck, this is almost my life. My other half needs so much validation I’m burnt out by it. He had therapy, and a life coach, and he just used them for validation too. He just told them about all the wonderful stuff that he was doing and they just told him he WAS wonderful. Took the pressure off me for a while though Confused

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