Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

[AdifferentGoat]

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

I really feel for you. it must be so hard, to everyone else who has been living with someone like this for decades - how do you manage? i think i would have cracked after a year or two

If he's that senior and that busy he's actually shit at his job.

He should have enough influence / control to restructure and make the necessary changes that mean he can delegate or reprioritise projects until his workload is at a more manageable level.

He just doesn't want to or is so full of ego and low self esteem he's too frightened.

If he was a brain Surgeon, cancer specialist or a dustman i would have more respect for him.

I despise perpetually busy people. This must be so exhausting for you OP. He needs to calm down and get some perspective on his place in life. He is not as important as he thinks he is and he's going to end up missing out on precious time with his new baby over what's merely a job at the end of the day.

He doesn't seem to be very efficient at his job if he doesn't manage to do most tasks during working hours.
Tell him that.

Most of his night time emails only probably need answering in the morning.

My friends DH is like this. If we pop around for a chat, he starts a random phone call to work and gradually increases the volume. This is probably to benefit us poor benighted souls standing on the doorstep talking to his wife. Just so we know there is a Very Important Manager working in the upstairs bedroom. Geez!

The sad thing is the wife is also bought into his bullshit. She has started preening about how her "DH absolutely NEEDS to be there to manage his colleagues else things will topple like the Berlin wall"

OP be careful you don't go to the dark side.

Does this amazing, wonderful and most excellent company have a workplace support scheme? My DP’s is there to support both employee and partners... I could have six free phone counselling sessions for free. You may be able to access the same and talk this through with someone. I suspect there might be a few factors at play, including his upbringing, panic about being the sole bread winner and, quite possibly, being a self-centred arse

He's clearly missing something here, work no matter how fulfilling is about one thing, the money needed to live the life he and you want, the well meaning but irrelevant praise related to work is just noise. I just feel sorry for you living with a man who thinks that work is more important than you and your lives together.

I agree with LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. You should be his priority at home, has he never heard of life/work balance? You, as his wife, have a duty of care to tell him that he is in danger of becoming too intense and boring. I suggest you tell him about your needs and that work needs to stop at the front door. He could stop the WhatsApp messages for a start.

He's using his work to abdicate from family life. Perhaps not consciously.

DH is a surgeon so sometimes he is technically saving lives, but he doesn't behave like this at all. Doesn't really talk about it much unless something goes wrong. Not even my best friend's DH who is head of A&E in a teaching hospital (can you imagine the year he has had?) behaves like this.

I think you need to sit him down and say that while you're proud of all he has achieved, if he continues to fill his entire consciousness with work to the exclusion of all else, he will lose his family completely.

If he's regularly having to work until 2am that means it's taking him twice as long as a standard 9-6 working day to complete his work. Not something I'd be inclined to be particularly proud of...

I work in an industry where people can get caught up behaving like this. They think they’re so vital and work is so exciting and important. Work successes are personal successes. Usually at some point they get made redundant and their whole world crumbles as they realise that their beloved company doesn’t really give a shit.

I don’t get the attitude. I like my job, it’s interesting, I work hard and earn good money...but working at 2am for ‘fun’. Nope. You only live one life.

OP,
Great advice above.

You need to protect yourself.
His insecurity, vanity, and the sheer tedium of him will only increase.

You need to have a back up plan.
You really do.
Returning to work is very important.
You are so vulnerable.
Secure your contraception.

You can try and speak to him, but if his ego is at the core of who he is and needs to be fed, he just may refuse to hear you.

Read @MyVisionsComeFromSoup post because it represents the reality that you don't want to be yours.

One of my dearest old friends is married to a insufferably important PITA academic of a top university.
He's a head of Dept, a Professor for the last 30 years.
He's not a bad man but he is sooooo self important.
He was largely absent during the hard years of his 3 childrens childhood because he was so needed by so many🙄.

Be it the University, Governor of a school or fighting some local community fight to save the snail.. where his imput was vital, he was there.
Now he did contribute hugely OUTSIDE the home, but couldn't be depended upon to feed his children lunch on the very, very rare time we would go to lunch and he was left in charge.
He just close not to get his hands grubby with looking after his children.
Very selfish when his wife's down time was rare.

Anyway the lockdown has been very tough.
The children have returned home, all in their 20's...and both sons, and daughter have clashed with him repeatedly.

He is a couple of years off retirement and has tried to engage with his children during their WFH/study, but they treat him with polite disdain, disinterest and distaste.
Refusing to be an audience for him!
They have huge issues with him.

My friend is very sad.
She has tried to cover for him for so long but it has really spilĺed out over the past year.
They have varing levels of anger towards her which is devastating after all she has done to try and keep it all going.

She went back to teaching years ago and has made a full life for herself.
She is devoted to the Catholic faith and would never consider divorce.
She's feeling very guilty over her choices as her children are clearly very pissed off.

Apologies that is so long but simply put.. children miss NOTHING.

I have a sneaky feeling I’m like this with the “I’m so busy”, although I’m not a high achiever or anything.

It’s almost like a habit and I can’t get out of it!

“What’s your name?” - “oh I’m so busy I can’t stop and talk”? I’m the busiest person in the world!! I don’t know if it’s a habit or some sort of coping mechanism.....I secretly think it’s because I’m not at full efficiency and can do better to manage my work load....but I’m struggling to figure out how I can manage it better and I’ve been trying for over a year now!

@Amrapaali

My friends DH is like this. If we pop around for a chat, he starts a random phone call to work and gradually increases the volume. This is probably to benefit us poor benighted souls standing on the doorstep talking to his wife. Just so we know there is a Very Important Manager working in the upstairs bedroom. Geez!

The sad thing is the wife is also bought into his bullshit. She has started preening about how her "DH absolutely NEEDS to be there to manage his colleagues else things will topple like the Berlin wall"

OP be careful you don't go to the dark side.

My arsehole clenched hard at the cringe in this post.

What a fannybaws.

Even Boris has time. He made several weans

You must be being far too polite to him and appearing to take it seriously. This conversation wouldn’t happen twice in my house because I’d laugh in his face and say, you’re making a cunt of yourself, pack it in.

I've worked in a couple of industries where some people appear to be married to the job - and it's probably not a coincidence that those people are men with wives on whom they dump all the humdrum domestic stuff for which they consider themselves to be too busy. Like others, I suspect that people who regularly work such extreme hours need some coaching in prioritising, delegating and time management but also suspect that, for some people, working from home has encouraged a very unproductive sort of presenteeism.

@Magnificentmug12

I have a sneaky feeling I’m like this with the “I’m so busy”, although I’m not a high achiever or anything.

It’s almost like a habit and I can’t get out of it!

“What’s your name?” - “oh I’m so busy I can’t stop and talk”? I’m the busiest person in the world!! I don’t know if it’s a habit or some sort of coping mechanism.....I secretly think it’s because I’m not at full efficiency and can do better to manage my work load....but I’m struggling to figure out how I can manage it better and I’ve been trying for over a year now!

Not being able to manage your workload is one thing. Telling people, who haven’t asked and don’t care, how busy you are is another thing altogether. You need to stimulate your embarrassment gland.

He just sounds like a nob.

Oh and rest assured you won't be the only one who's noticed he's a nob op. I bet he is despised by his colleagues.

I'd advise you to put your fist to your mouth as though holding a trumpet and shout "DO, DO, DO!" very loudly as though trumpeting an urgent announcement every single time he mentions some triumph.

Can't stand people blowing their own trumpet.

Oh and my friend is just such a fantastic woman, the very best IMO
I hate seeing her so upset and feeling bad about her choices.
Very sad.
She's such a wonderful woman.

OP, I strangely feel sorry for your DH. He obviously has no self-awareness of understanding of how others perceive him. He is alienating you and missing out on family life - presumably he wants a family but just doesn’t know how to be a family man.

It sounds so tedious and your resentment is only going to grow unless he does something about his workaholic problem. I would be tempted to work out how much child maintenance he’d have to pay if you split and also figure out how much time he would have to devote to being single dad in the week. I’d give him that info so he knows what his workaholic life is going to cost him so it might be worthwhile having a rethink about being Mr Busy.

I’m assuming he’s not the owner of the company, managing director? It’s different if you’re building a business which you own yourself as you reap the rewards of everyone’s hard work. If he’s an employee he can be replaced, and he knows this, which is why he works so hard and so obviously works hard. If you’re staying up until 2am you are not good at your job, he needs to learn to work smarted not harder. He shouldn’t always be so incredibly busy, it’s a sign of someone who is inefficient, not good at delegating and not a good manager. Perhaps point this out to him and suggest coaching so he learns how to be more productive within his work hours and a better work life balance.