Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

[AdifferentGoat]

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
Agreed.

The stricken face combined with the defensiveness is pure manipulation and very controlling of the narrative.

That must feel very gaslighting.

This certainly cannot be helping your depression and state of mind.

Your posts sound very sad and hopeless.

Try and get well OP via your therapy and look at your life.

20 more years of this sounds like pure hell.

OP, a while ago there was a thread on here entitled something like “are you married to a workaholic”.

There seemed to be 3 different solutions adopted by the wives:

1. Accept you will never see your DH. Develop your own life with friends, hobbies, job etc. Enjoy the benefits of the high income and accept that as the trade off.

2. Divorce. Find someone who shares your priorities and will be around more. Or stay single, be alone but at least no longer have the disappointment of an absent DH.

3. Try to create a Damascene moment in your DH’s head where he realises he will lose his family, health, sanity, personality if he carries on as is, so he chooses to change.

Warning: Option 3) had only worked for about 5% of the women, despite most having tried to achieve it for years.

[quote billy1966]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
Agreed.

The stricken face combined with the defensiveness is pure manipulation and very controlling of the narrative.

That must feel very gaslighting.

This certainly cannot be helping your depression and state of mind.

Your posts sound very sad and hopeless.

Try and get well OP via your therapy and look at your life.

20 more years of this sounds like pure hell.

[/quote]
You are absolutely right and so are the other posters that pointed it out re gaslight. I mean what do I say when someone accuses me of attacking them when I simply ask what time he expects to be done? According to him I critique him a lot and I do believe due to not having work at the moment, I feel aimless. Depression and taking care of an infant hasn't helped either. I think my depression has gotten worse as I had been hanging on to having some kind of balance again.

I'm going to be working as hard as I can to try and create my own identity outside of existing in his. I cannot blame that on him. I chose to do so. But I cannot do it anymore. Forget 20 years. I can barely handle another year of this. It's such a pity as I truly love him. I just feel like my feelings for him are frozen. It doesn't even feel like I'm dealing with an actual breathing human being. Where are the emotions outside of stress and work? No empathy outside of he's given me all the space in world to sort self out (he's not lying) but I want a partner in life not someone who thinks I'm being antagonistic when I say something that does not fit into his narrative.

Sometimes I mention one of our friends going through something and he has a way of drawing it back to him and what he went through. For lack of better terminology, does everyone's struggle have to also swirl around you. I know, believe me I well know that this isn't who he is (why else would I have stayed through so much) but it's who he seems to think he HAS to be to get to this fantastic destination in which all worries and problems will be solved by money. Ah then we shall be grand and far too rich to forget we have emotions. I'm sorry if I sound bitter, it's because I really am. A kind of sad bitter, nostalgic for a future I thought would one day arrive but am now seeing might it never be so.

Had I not had a baby I think the answer would be clear but we have a beautiful little baby. I know he adores her and she him. I don't want to leave him either but I'm so exhausted. I don't share this culture of needing to talk about oneself till the sun sets. He doesn't understand why I don't 'volunteer' information about myself re my achievements or background. Volunteer?? Surely these things come up in conversation... Organically! Why should I harange someone with a monologue re me? It makes my underarms water with cringe.

Again I don't know what I'm looking for here. All the responses are helping me massively. I'm dreadfully lonely but I know I cannot remuniate in that but managing this and crashing depression with a newborn is hard. I'm grateful for help but I hope better days will come. I never thought this would be he and I. I guess I am an example of why someone should hang on to a career because at least then you don't have to rely so much on someone.

My dh has worked more hours since WFH. He saves time on commute so just spends that gained time on taking onote work. Last summer we only had 1 week holiday due to pandemic and a week at Xmas. He just took rest of holidays for last year as payment instead of time off, and for not discuss with me first. I have insisted this year he takes all of holiday.

I'm also so ashamed because I know I'm smarter than this but right now my self esteem is in the pits. I often have flashes of myself in a long dark future in which I roam from room to room like a shadow lost in bad perms, Xanax and orange make up. That kind of broken woman always offering advice. Just a statistic who will never amount to anything. I had lost faith in myself, I feel like everything I touch materializes into failure. It's why it's taken me so long to actually have an inkling of hope that maybe I can make something of myself. I'm sorry for the incredibly depressing narrative but I'm sure even my own therapist must be bored of hearing me say what a failure I feel like I am. That any talent I have is long gone. I find it hard to talk to him about this as his advice is :you know you are smart(?) you just need discipline. I know he's right but I really don't feel like I'm anything but existing.

I just need to break free of this mindset before I'm fully defeated. I should mention I went through severe PND and a period of abusing alcohol. I have since quit drinking, am taking steps to keep healthy but it hurts so badly that he didn't take it seriously. He just assumed I was being dramatic. That and he thought he had failed. Now he wants to get involved or well as involved as he is able but I'm so bitter.

Op did you work before the baby?

What did you do?

@BarbaraofSeville

Make him a sticker chart.

Today Dave managed to send 47 emails and spent 4 hours on Teams meetings. Go Dave.

This made me laugh. I think it's only fair I document every achievement on social media and report back the likes.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

He sounds a bit insecure actually, OP. I've read about the term 'imposter syndrome' and I think it might be applicable. Anybody who needs that amount of validation from other people is lacking internal self-reference.

If this were my husband, I'd remind him that I married him, not his role. That he's as important as I am in this marriage and that when he shuts the front door after a day's work, I'm his priority and he's mine.

Your husband, OP, should be more cognisant of the daily struggle that you're facing just getting up in the morning - and making you feel validated. He is not the most important person in the world but you should be the most important person in his world.

I have said this. He recognizes that he struggles with saying no. I have offered he go to therapy. He's gone a few times but reaps no rewards apparently. He dances in circles. He doesn't want to face the idea that it's something internal. Re my depression he says he too is depressed but musters up a smile, ready to tackle the day! OK...

Today I asked him what he would do if God forbid he worked himself into a grave. How that would affect our baby? He actually had the gall to say that he would have died doing something he loved. What the flying F. Are we in a soap? That is definitely going to comfort our daughter. My expression must have betrayed my shock as he went on to reassure me he would not die. Yes. Because we have total control over that. On top of being very busy in 'groundbreaking' work, burning the midnight oil and scattering the ashes, he is now also an oracle

Sounds like he is one of these men that like to be the centre of attention and in control. The baby has taken away from that, typically it's the mother and new baby that get the attention. Perhaps he is worried he won't be able to handle being a father very well and if he struggles/fails people will see. It's very easy to not fail at doing something by not doing it.

He won't like not being the centre of attention so he is constantly testing you to make sure you know and acknowledge his importance. Be warned OP this is a classic reason for a man to have an affair after children come along ie. they didn't get enough attention (pathetic imo).

Have you tried just telling him to snap out of it and step up with being a hands on father. The focus should be your baby not bloody emails.

Some people are just like this, in having an oversized sense of self importance.

My DH is not a high flyer nor a particularly hard worker at work but will go on about how busy he is and does not want to be distracted if he has to wash up and pick his nose all in the same morning.

Then there are the people who take ages to do something and mistake this for being crazy busy when in fact they are just really bloody slow to get stuff done.

The problems with such people comes when they actually attain a position of power. At this point they become insufferable, as OP is finding out.

He needs bringing down a peg or two but he won't like it. Sounds like he is looking for wide eyed adoration from all those around him. You want to watch out he doesn't go looking for it in someone else's undergarments. It is quite common with such important men, that they eventually want to spread their fantastic selves around. He probably isn't thinking like it at the moment, too busy, but watch out for it in future if you can stick it out with this incredibly dull man. He sounds like David Brent but with even less charm...ick factor ten.

Make sure he has great life insurance (of the providing for you for life kind).

No-one respects people who cannot say no. One day he'll realise that.

Does he do Disney Dad social media posts about how wonderful family life is? (Using the baby as a prop for his ego)? And get lots of obsequious/adoring/polite likes from his business contacts?

No? Well he's missed a trick there then.

I'd strongly suggest you keep your social media for posts about you, your life, your baby and anything you ever do get time to do together as a family. Do not share his boring work crap with your friends, they're not interested. I wonder how he'll respond to that? Would he be happy that you're doing your own thing and connecting with friends? Unhappy that you are focusing attention on something other than his ego? Or just infuriated at the lost opportunity for his use of your social channels?

Buy a big sheet of gold stars

Christ poor you

I have to say OP, though you are not the one in your house looking for validation, that you sound a very intelligent, thoughtful, funny and interesting person with lots of actual substance to offer the world. I would love to have you in my life, the daft prick doesnt see what's real and valuable right in front of him when he's running around trying to impress randomers.

@AriseMyPretties

Some people are just like this, in having an oversized sense of self importance.

My DH is not a high flyer nor a particularly hard worker at work but will go on about how busy he is and does not want to be distracted if he has to wash up and pick his nose all in the same morning.

Then there are the people who take ages to do something and mistake this for being crazy busy when in fact they are just really bloody slow to get stuff done.

The problems with such people comes when they actually attain a position of power. At this point they become insufferable, as OP is finding out.

He needs bringing down a peg or two but he won't like it. Sounds like he is looking for wide eyed adoration from all those around him. You want to watch out he doesn't go looking for it in someone else's undergarments. It is quite common with such important men, that they eventually want to spread their fantastic selves around. He probably isn't thinking like it at the moment, too busy, but watch out for it in future if you can stick it out with this incredibly dull man. He sounds like David Brent but with even less charm...ick factor ten.

I think him stating with a straight expression that indeed if he were to pass on to the other side due to over-working, he would die content knowing his death was in pursuit of dreams. These comforting words tell me everything. Every woman's dream. Is it possible one can be this delusional??? Or is it a defense mechanism?

You are right. He revels in being adored and needed. It's a pity. The more 'busy' and 'important' he gets, the less likeable he is. The people around him that fluff up his ego are only doing it for their benefit. He cannot see that or rather refuses to. I was on the black list for a while there as I apparently am not appreciating the brilliance/genius he is enough. That everyone around him is utterly floored by the commendable man he is. Everyone but his cynical wife Ever so often I get a glimpse of that man I fell in love with but it quickly evaporates and I mourn the loss over and over. Such a waste indeed.

Seriously though, I think a big problem with your set up is that you are at a point of needing to re-build yourself and your life and you are doing this at something of a crossroads. That is, there are very different paths you could take from here, in terms of where you find meaning, support and direction.

Having the baby is one big change that determines your future in some ways. Then, whether your husband supports you, is emotionally involved in your life and practically supports your next move e.g. through sharing childcare, is going to make a big difference to what is possible and how you go about it. If you have to create your own path, without his support, then that is what you will make for yourself. The contacts, networks and support you build for yourself will become the people you really rely on. There may not be any going back from that. If he chooses not to become part of your support base now, you'll go forward without him. You may become two separate, co-habiting, co-parenting in as far as he does that, individuals.

That's quite a different situation from him being a workaholic while you're also busy with an established career and life path running alongside each other. In that case the conflict is only at the edges. In your case it underlies everything you do.

I was on the black list for a while there as I apparently am not appreciating the brilliance/genius he is enough. That everyone around him is utterly floored by the commendable man he is.
He's sounding more and more like Trump. That should tell you all you need to know.

That everyone around him is utterly floored by the commendable man he is.

Does he not realise that virtually no one thinks like this about anyone, ever? Let alone some irritating guy they work with what would happen if you just told him?

@theleafandnotthetree

I have to say OP, though you are not the one in your house looking for validation, that you sound a very intelligent, thoughtful, funny and interesting person with lots of actual substance to offer the world. I would love to have you in my life, the daft prick doesnt see what's real and valuable right in front of him when he's running around trying to impress randomers.

Thank you. Such a kind thing for you to say. I often wonder if I'm just a space filler. A wife. Someone on his arm. It seems he has forgotten all the reasons we fell in love to begin with. He used to love me for my opinions. Now he loves them when they align with his. Anything else is heresy. If I gently suggest that perhaps his colleagues are exhausted, driven to the ground with fatigue, he tells me I have no idea what I'm talking about because they said 'just yesterday', how 'amazing' he is doing considering the odds against him I wish I were making this up. Sometimes I just let him drone on to see how far he will go! I think he believes I'm looking down at him. That I simply have no clue what real sacrifice looks like. What grit is. That I'm frolicking in the fruits of his deep labour, oblivious to real life. All this said as he's pounding Excel, re sharing articles re his work, sharing 'war tales' with similarly delusional folk whilst shaking his head, sighing... GOD it is hard being so important!!!

OP what kind of work did you do before the baby? Do you have a good support network around in you terms of friends and family?

OP, have you considered writing while you're on maternity leave? You write well, and are incisive and funny.

There's something about all this that doesn't ring true to me, though. I'm not in the business world, but DH is the comparatively new CEO of a big organisation objectively, he's very successful, especially when you take into account that he's (we both are) from an extremely poor background, and a complete 'misfit' in social class terms with the level he works at and in his field in general and inevitably, as he's WFH, I hear a lot of his meetings and phonecalls these days, when I am also WFH.

No one, and I mean absolutely no one, ever sits around praising anyone. I would be surprised if anyone has ever told him he's 'wonderful', even once, in a professional context, whether they're the people who hired him, the board, the headhunters, his colleagues, his PA etc. If he behaved the way you say your DH is, with all the boasting and need for continual validation and compliments, he'd be a laughing stock in his industry. As he would if he said he was regularly working till 2 am -- he'd be viewed as unable to cope and inefficient by his peers.

Don't get me wrong, DH isn't in a 9-5 job either, but he recognises he can't let his job encroach on my life, or DS's.

I recognise the busy-ness and the stress, sure, but I don't think that kind of self-validating, obsessive behaviour is normal at all, unless your DH's job is something that requires continual self-promotion, like some kind of influencer! What are these 'odds' he believes are against him?

Do you have any friends currently doing well at work/life balance or family life? A male friend ideally. Every time he starts puffing himself up with how well he's doing, start going on about "Steve" and how well he's doing, and how impressed you are at how supportive he is.

Maybe when he sees your attention reward going on another man who's supporting his family, he'll either see some of the value in it or at least stop going on at you about it.

OP your husband sounds exactly like a woman I know who runs her own business. She does fool some of the people some of the time and of course her clients are delighted with the extent to which she 'goes the extra mile'. Meanwhile, she regards most things other than the bare minimum to do with her children to be an imposition on her BIJ or the owntime needed to recover from the BIJ. She seems to take no great pleasure or joy from them or from family life and like I suspect with your husband, had the husband and children because that's what you do, that's the box you tick rather because she genuinely wanted all that goes along with it. It's possibly more unusual in women and I judge her no more harshly than I would a man/husband/father. Everything looks good - big house, big car, designer clothes - and I genuinely think her shallow approach to family life means that for her, it IS good. To my mind, she is not setting herself up for a balnced and enjoyable middle and old age but when challenged she is extremely defensive and of course claims that no one appreciates how she is doing all this for her family, how hard working she is, etc. I see no evidence that she will ever having an epiphany and there have certainly been moments of crisis where she might have done. She is right and justified, everyone else is lazy, ungrateful, don't understand how unique her skills are etc. I suppose the point is that, without wanting to sound gloomy, that people of this type are not likely to change. If they were well balanced people with healthy boundaries and enthusiasm for family life (or any kind of a life outside work), they would probably never get themselves into these patterns in the first place

A number of people asked re my occupation. Thought I'd answer that versus creating mystery around me I was previously working in a small marketing firm as a creative. It wasn't my dream job but it was a job and I liked my colleagues. However about six months prior to pregnancy, I fell into deep depression and everything spiraled. To his credit, my very important husband was understanding and was trying to help me find my feet again. I guess I didn't find them fast enough. I think I needed a partner who was there with me, helping me navigate my way out of the dark place I found myself but through my lens versus what 'he would do' if he were me. I wanted more emotional supportive. I do understand how frustrating it must have been for him too though. I'm not oblivious to that. Even in the best of cirmcustances, depression is a beast that sucks joy out of everything. I did start to feel better but then I fell pregnant in the midst of covid.
I do want to get back into work but where I was left me in a state whereby even washing my hair was a task. That coupled with a baby, months of complacency and a long list of failures behind me( or perceived), left me in quite the state. My family are approximately 10 hours away by flight and the friends I have here are struggling with their own lives so I feel rather indulgent talking about my trials. It's why I needed him more. I didn't need hours at a time, just validation that I'm really suffering and I don't want to be this person either. But I'm feeling slightly optimistic now. Will be continuing with my therapy as it's helping and of course I'm sticking with the antedepressants. I hope that in time I'll recover.
Posting here was such a wonderful thing. Please know even though I'm a perfect strange, having you folk take time out of your days to reach out to me, well it means more than you realize.