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Original poster

Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

447 replies

AdifferentGoat · 08/04/2021 15:06

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

OP posts:
randomer · 09/04/2021 11:05

How can somebody possibly not know that their partner is so super successful that he gives interviews on TV?

Surely, the huge salary and all the trappings that go with it woud indicate a role more substantial than " something in finance"

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 09/04/2021 11:23

I know I paint him as no better than a buffoon (at times that's what it feels like as times too) but there is a long of good to him and I suppose that's what I'm hanging on to. I used to think he was the funniest person I knew but now that humor is stuffed behind an ever growing list of business cards. I know this because I was 'tasked' with taking photos of them. I didn't do it. I honestly don't know what exactly is the problem. Yes I get it, I am sure it's been frustrating for him seeing how much I have struggled with depression (I know it's not fun. I'm not blind to the reality) and he's certainly given me the room and financial support to get help which is what I'm actively doing. I attend therapy every week, I'm taking antidepressants and I'm trying to stay healthy. So I guess we both have our crap.
What I don't get is why there is this need to talk so much about how stressed he is when he keeps mounting more and more on his plate? Last night we were both woken up several times by baby. I tended more to her but he was still awake and made a bottle. But this morning I was destroyed. He woke earlier as to work but I came into his office and told him to please take the baby so I could rest for an hour.
He immediately went into a panic and asked how he should handle the two hours of work he had to accomplish. Honestly he looked like a stricken deer. Sheer terror in his eyes. I told him he could work post the appointment we had with a friend in the park. Reluctantly he agreed. But that didn't stop him from telling me how snowed in he was. I told him if he was this stressed we could cancel meeting our friend with the baby but he wildly shook his head and said no, let's just change the timings, I'll tell her work is madness and I need to catch up. Sadly and I'm not proud of it, I rolled my eyes and told him that it's just redundant stating how busy one is for years on end. People get it. I swear he must have had a spiritual heart attack or something because he went into a long lecture re how it's the truth. The absolute truth....
Anyway, I told him that I just miss him and I miss us and the baby misses him. Of course he missed us too but sadly 'such is life' these days. He is trying his very best, he said (the stricken look never left his face). The thing is I know he is but he really struggles with saying no. He'd attend a lecture on pencils if he had a moment to explain what his work was about. He tells me all the time all the 'opportunities' he let's go and how much he delegates and yes while it's somewhat better, it's still so hard to feel like we are extras clambering for space into his life. I explained all this but he gets defensive and says he's doing his absolute best. Admittedly I did get a little snide and suggested maybe he and his team could learn the art of not repeating the same thing over and over again using different terminology. So it was a pretty pointless talk. I did mention though that when he's with us, just be with us. I don't want to hear about x and y and how this system xyz is comparatively better than system yxz.
And here I go again talking in circles but this issue is just diluting my will to live at points (not in the sense that I'll off myself but more so it's such a drag) . I have read some of the posts but am going to take some time to read all the posts as am so appreciative re all the good advice/commiseration. Oh just FYI, I do agree with some of the posters who suggested he has low self esteem. He really really does. It's a kind of inferiority/superiority complex. He's the nicest guy at times. In-fact hes great. Until he starts talking about work. No one is safe from it. He sent messages to our house cleaner too. Because she desperately cares so much about what he's up to. And no, no affair there. I don't think any amount of money would entice one to forego their sanity.
Before I run off to read all the other posts, I will admit I was previously on the dark side... I would tell all and sundry re how busy he was. I die inside when I remember it. Eventually I saw the light. Honestly all I want is normalcy. I made the grand mistake of telling him I longed for simplicity. He assumed I meant living in a cabin somewhere in the woods. Why all the extremes? All I want is moderation/balance. But I'm also not blind to the fact that he really has tried to make my life easier whilst I get back into work by being okay hiring someone to take baby for a few hours several times a week while I dig out + when he's with the baby, he is present and I know he wants more but something won't let him just accept that it's okay to not be everything for everyone.
I just miss him or maybe the illusion of who I thought he was. I miss laughter and time. Not to drip feed but this is his company so maybe that his part of the panic but even so, I'm not an idiot... I see how much more he piles on his plate. I also see how so many of the calls are essentially mutually beneficial ego pounding sessions. No one needs to take 20 minutes to introduce themselves. It makes me so angry. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I went into an epileptic shock behind one of his zoom calls. He'd probably think it was an interpretative dance as nothing exists outside what he's saying at that moment. By the way, I'm not trying to absolve myself here. I know I carry issues too and I have a lot to be grateful for but I guess, I just wonder for how long we will be like this. It makes me sad. Will the next time I see him at a leisurely pace be the next time we hopefully contact covid again Sad

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 09/04/2021 11:25

Lying I agree it sounds a bit forced and sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/04/2021 11:31

ADifferentGoat, that 'stricken look' is utterly practised. Just like any starlet practising in front of a mirror for awards night.

You need to go on with your own plans. Tell him that his constant reference to 'stress' and 'snowed under' and lack of presence in yours/your daughter's life, isn't helping your depression. That if he doesn't stop doing this then you will take stock because this is unhealthy for everybody in his orbit.

He's a self-absorbed and spoilt individual who has been pandered to, OP. He's a father and a husband and should be treating these roles as paramount; not this affected nonsense. If he cannot manage he workload then he should let his boss know so that the pressure can be relieved.

I really have no sympathy for these prancing people with their 'Look at ME, Look at MEEEE, how busy and important I AM!' air. They are not any more important than anybody else.

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 09/04/2021 11:32

Oh my. Yet another massive block from me. Apologies. I'm typing like a mad woman as have so much pent up frustration and sadness. I wish I could talk to him without being told I'm 'attacking' him?

OP posts:
SausageDogSandwich · 09/04/2021 11:34

What is causing your depression? Is it actually him?

I would sit him down and have a long conversation. Tell him you are concerned about him. His work obsession isn't normal and it's contributing to your depression. He has lost his spark because all he ever does is work/talk about work.

If he isn't willing to change then tell him you need to evaluate the relationship. This isn't what you want and something needs to change. Perhaps you need to think about leaving.

TatianaBis · 09/04/2021 11:35

Accusing you of 'attacking him' is just playing the victim to avoid the issue. It puts you on the defensive.

doorornottodoor · 09/04/2021 11:37

This happened to one of my friends husbands. He got a big important job, believed the hype and turned into a complete knob. You have my sympathy.

I would suggest a (non blaming) heart to heart. What’s going on with him that he’s needing this from you and from others? Is he happy? It sounds not. Good luck.

randomer · 09/04/2021 11:39

OP, is this helping?

You are hardly likely to get balance, thoughtfulness and reason here.
You both sound like you are struggling.
A baby, sleeplessness, a pandemic, depression, ambition/fear?past trauma.

Its a lot to handle.

TatianaBis · 09/04/2021 11:41

It makes a lot of sense that this is his own company. His company is him. This is not unusual for people who have their own companies.

TatianaBis · 09/04/2021 11:41

This behaviour I mean.

randomer · 09/04/2021 11:42

I just miss him or maybe the illusion of who I thought he was

I think this is pretty normal.

doorornottodoor · 09/04/2021 11:43

Can you try to carve out some time at the weekend where you do something new? Choose a walk somewhere different each time. No work chat.

Do you think he is stressing bearing the financial brunt with a new baby, you not working, his childhood? Maybe worth couples counselling to unpick it?

Try to use non blaming language when you talk. Don’t say “you” say I feel etc.. he will not feel so attacked then.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/04/2021 11:48

@TatianaBis

It makes a lot of sense that this is his own company. His company is him. This is not unusual for people who have their own companies.
Is it his own company? I didn't get that impression at all.
TatianaBis · 09/04/2021 11:57

In her latest post she said:

Not to drip feed but this is his company so maybe that his part of the panic

caringcarer · 09/04/2021 12:02

Could he be warning you how busy he is so you won't ask for help with baby?

BuckysArm · 09/04/2021 12:13

Why did he set up his company? As in, what was it supposed to do for his life and yours? Not in terms of income, but was it for freedom? More time? Ego?

Is all this busy work actually generating income? Or is he faffing around being busy because that hides the fact he’s not as successful as he hopes?

I really think a business coach would be a good idea here, as well as looking at his employees and figuring out what he needs.

When you’re the boss, there is only a finite amount you can’t delegate. If he has a problem doing that then maybe he’s not actually cut out for self-employment.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/04/2021 12:13

He woke earlier as to work but I came into his office and told him to please take the baby so I could rest for an hour.
He immediately went into a panic and asked how he should handle the two hours of work he had to accomplish. Honestly he looked like a stricken deer. Sheer terror in his eyes. I told him he could work post the appointment we had with a friend in the park. Reluctantly he agreed. But that didn't stop him from telling me how snowed in he was. I told him if he was this stressed we could cancel meeting our friend with the baby but he wildly shook his head and said no, let's just change the timings, I'll tell her work is madness and I need to catch up. Sadly and I'm not proud of it, I rolled my eyes and told him that it's just redundant stating how busy one is for years on end.

This strikes me as manipulation on his part.

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/04/2021 12:25

@TatianaBis

In her latest post she said:

Not to drip feed but this is his company so maybe that his part of the panic

Oh, right, I missed that. I wonder why this was drip fed when the opening post has him having "a pretty good role" in a tech company. Irrelevant, I suppose...
TatianaBis · 09/04/2021 12:28

Well she does say he does have a pretty good role in a tech company but I cannot say which one or role as it would be outing

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/04/2021 12:30

Fair enough. Doesn't explain later drip feed but it's not relevant, just odd.

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 09/04/2021 12:42

I understand. I think I'm just quite stressed and writing things as they occur to me. Am new to this whole thing and doesn't help that I have a grumpy baby sat by me trying to lick my shoes.

OP posts:
randomer · 09/04/2021 13:02

Can you contact your therapist?

Original poster
AdifferentGoat · 09/04/2021 13:30

@randomer

Can you contact your therapist?
Yes. I spoke to her yesterday. We are working on reducing my co-dependency mindset and also anxieties. I think I have spent so long just trying to get him to see reason, that life is slipping us by as we operate from a place of frenzy. He thinks the fact that he provides should be enough for now but I don't see hinlm particularly happy either. He just sees this as a necessary sacrifice. If anything I had a bit of a shock today when he acknowledged that he knows its hard for me.

It seems to be the case that it's another insane week to a snowstorm to this to that. I have been waiting for 'a few weeks from now it'll all be better' for ages. He's forever stampeding the point that all this sacrifice is for our future. I don't want a beautiful funeral. I want to enjoy our life while we gave it. Actually what I desire more than anything is normalcy. It hurts more because I know he's not this self unaware. He's choosing to be.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 09/04/2021 13:31

Are you in the U.K. OP? Your writing reads a bit American. I ask because I think that work expectations are even higher in the States and there is much more of a culture of self-publicism and blowing hot air there.