Losing your ‘mummy’ nurturing hormones in perimenopause

[Kitchendisco21]

I am 48 and find I am much much less patient with my kids and I wondered if it was because perimenopause and into menopause strips you of your nurturing oestrogen & ‘mummy’ hormones. Aibu?

I have a primary aged young child still so was older having my kids and maybe this is one of the negatives of having kids older!! It certainly feels like it!!

Anyone else feel like this? My peri symptoms are bloody shit to be fair and I am exploring HRT at the moment!

For me it’s kids becoming a bigger pain in the arse the older they get.

interesting you say that OP, it could explain some confusing stuff that happened when my mother was in her late 40s. She has always been an intensely loving and protective Mother, a bit of a worrier about us kids and would do anything to help us. Then for a couple of years she did some really unexpected stuff that made it look as if she was disinterested in us kids. For example: she booked a holiday over my little brother's A-level period so he was alone in the house while doing some of his exams, exams she knew he was anxious about; and she didn't get me a birthday present (a small thing, but odd and I was a bit hurt); and in general she got really cross about little things. The after about 2 years she returned to normal. We've never discussed it.

@Kitchendisco21

I am 48 and find I am much much less patient with my kids and I wondered if it was because perimenopause and into menopause strips you of your nurturing oestrogen & ‘mummy’ hormones. Aibu?

I have a primary aged young child still so was older having my kids and maybe this is one of the negatives of having kids older!! It certainly feels like it!! Anyone else feel like this?

Nope. Not happened to me, but then mine left home by the time I hit my mid 40s. Uni, flatshare with mates, and then lived with her boyfriend... I couldn't imagine having primary school aged children in my late 40s.

I am in my early to mid 50s now, and DD is in her mid 20s, and has been away from home for 8 years. I still feel love, and concern, and wanting to nurture her, and care for her. (Even though she rarely needs my help.) I have never stopped feeling that way, despite the fact she left home 8 years ago. She would always be welcome back too, and I would pretty much do anything for her (and so would DH.)

She knows all this, and I think this is one of the reasons that she is happy, secure, and independent, and why we have such a strong, solid, wonderful relationship with her. We have let her be independent, and have never put any pressure on her for anything, but let her know we are always there for her.

I know that may not be want you want to hear, and it may even sound smug to you, but I'm not going to lie to make someone else feel better. It's like when someone I knew had a teen daughter who spoke to her like she was a piece of shit, and screamed and stomped around, and smoked, and stayed out til 1am, at only 14 years old.

Mine never did that, and this woman I knew seemed a bit annoyed and irked, and a bit puzzled about that. With a 'surely she isn't THAT perfect, she must do SOMEthing wrong sometimes' attitude, and a kind of look.

Well, no, she isn't perfect, no-one is, and we do have disagreements, occasionally. But I'm not going to say she's a demon teen from hell to make you feel better about yours.

Have to say also, I have known a few women like this, whose young teen children are very badly behaved, and out of control and they can't stand it/refuse to believe it that someone else's teens are actually NOT badly behaved, and insolent, like theirs!

Some of the posts on here, suggest that having kids no later than the age 30 is for the best. Here's me thinking older mums were more patient too. (That's often one of the arguments for why it's a 'great idea' to have a baby over the age of 40!!!)

This thread tells a different story, as most of the mums who are 45+ and still have primary school children or teenagers (who are obviously still at home,) seem to have zero patience with them, and no tolerance for them.

As I said, so much for the 'older mums are more patient' mantra!

yes I know this is a supremely unhelpful post, and probably a bit smug, but I am entitled to post my views and opinions, based on my experiences...

I'm not quite at the peri stage yet so can't say what my own experience will be. I hope I don't feel like it's all been a waste though. To use Caitlyn Moran's analogy, I hope it's exactly like coming down from ecstasy. When I've done that I've always remembered the conversations/things I've done very fondly, and been happy I had such a wonderful time - even though i wouldn't be amused by those things now in my non high state.

@Whatisgoingonhere

I can definitely relate to this!

43, peri menopausal, with a 3 year old and 17 month old, I’m finding it makes parenting two little DC much harder!

With my 3 year old, I spent so many nights up with him in the first year, no issues! But with my second, my husband had to do the night shifts for the first year. I simply could not do it, due in part to fatigue or being knocked about by night sweats and heart palpitations (anxiety through the roof!), etc.

I have no patience like I used to and I just want to be alone. I’m angrier and have become even more introverted. I said to one of my friends that I feel like my compassion and empathy have been completely drained from me and I have very little to give to anyone.

I’m on the pill now and that has helped with some of the symptoms too, but dreading menopause which drs have told me will most likely be sooner rather than later as my mother went through it early. Yay.

Yes this the anger is unreal and mostly unjustified! I’ve got two teens and a 7 year old and as you say - nothing left to give. It’s so hard as I was definitely a let’s do this kids etc. Now the older two are mainly out with their friends I struggle to muster up any energy for my youngest and can’t wait for her to be old enough to hang out with her friends so I can be left in peace. I don’t always feel like this and I’m sure it’s linked to my cycle, it’s very hard sometimes and some days I could get in my car and just drive!

I can identify with so much that is written on this thread! I am late forties, 3 dc including 2 primary aged, I do still definitely have a nurturing instinct but far far less patience and more anxiety and just general “stressiness” if that’s even a word.

Still having normal periods but far more aware of pmt in the run up to my period.

I do think that once your kids are teens (my eldest is 16) there is just an element of “ffs I’ve been doing this shit for so bloody long” that probably kicks in with many mothers regardless of when they had their children. Part of me is, as other posters have said, simply BORED-bored of food shopping, cooking, organising, sorting, chivvying etc etc. Bored of fucking bath and bedtime. Bored bored bored bored bored. And that’s all been exacerbated by the fact that I’m heading towards menopause and of course all the covid shit which has thrown everyone’s life into chaos to a certain extent.

That said, for so many of us there’s no point listening to the ‘well that’s why you should have had your kids earlier then’ argument from those who had DC in their late teens or twenties. Life doesn’t always work out that perfectly and it’s never as simple as ‘plan a baby, have a baby’ for the vast majority of people. A three year infertility battle taught me that for starters!

I found I had the opposite of the nesting instinct you have with pregnancy. I just hate cleaning etc now.

I actually think losing my Ermintrude hormones has been a positive for me.

Women shouldn't be made to feel bad about feeling angry. It's not an excuse to treat others badly, but it's perfectly healthy to put ourselves first and point out where we are being badly treated.

@littlepattilou - it comes down to when is the right time for you. I had DC late in life so was fifty by the time they started secondary but my two also had incredibly chilled teenage years. They have never stomped or slammed doors or said they hated us, never raged at the universe. Not sure why.

I know a woman that had 3 kids with 10 year age gaps. When I knew her she had a 21 year old, an 11 year old ( my dd’s mate) and a 1 year old. She had been doing the school run for 17 years when I knew her and still had another 9 or 10 years to go

This is why I frankly never understand why anyone has more than 2 children anyway. Why? Who could be bothered with it?

Also When older mothers have a little one I just cannot relate. Tana Ramsay is my age with teens and now has a toddler. Dear god no.

I never noticeably lost mine but I did lose all tolerance to bullshit from DH.

@sashagabadon

I know a woman that had 3 kids with 10 year age gaps. When I knew her she had a 21 year old, an 11 year old ( my dd’s mate) and a 1 year old. She had been doing the school run for 17 years when I knew her and still had another 9 or 10 years to go

Might have been my sister. I asked her kids about it once and they all said they felt like an only child in a house full of grown ups.

I personally think not having a single day to myself since 2019 is what’s done it for me. Mine are 5 and 4, don’t stop talking, don’t sleep, don’t stop climbing on me, screech all day and all night, they are lovely for perhaps 30 mins each day, the rest is fighting. It’s very taxing and draining tbh, even without hormones adding to it.

Same!

Zero patience and massive anxiety. At 48 I have a 12 and a 9 year old. I do love that they aren't small anymore and am enjoying them more at this stage than the preschool and infants one. What I don't like is I ahem lost my sense of self and that is despite having a job throughout most of my years as a parent. Ah well.

Might need HRT, is it best to go private or NHS?

I had my first two dc in my 20s, and my late addition to the family when I was 41. Personally I've been far more tolerant and enjoyed motherhood much more as an older mum. It was more stressful in my 20s. Yes my third dc has been like an only child in some ways, but he has had many more advantages, and is very sociable and makes friends very easily. He's been my easiest without a doubt.

There are pros and cons to later motherhood. The menopause obviously being a con.

Armi

I agree with every single word you said!!

Good post OP.
I'm not sure if is lockdown causing it or hormones. My feelings are similar, less patience with the DC still doing mammy things but eye rolling externally watching another YouTube or playing more football it is relentless groundhog.
Maybe it's boredom.
A change would be good.

@FlamingoAtTheBing0

I'm 49 with a 22 year old and a 14 year old and I don't relate to this at all.

Not sure it's AIBU worthy - more women's health topic maybe?

One could say with that grumpy response that you are going through it

Interesting question OP. If its true, it does make the case for having your kids younger - late 20s or early 30s - although then they are tweens/teens when you are peri so maybe not!

I had ds at 30 and am now 49, he's 19 later this year. But although my periods are all over the place, I don't feel any different in any other way. I've always been grumpy and impatient so no change there!

This is why I frankly never understand why anyone has more than 2 children anyway. Why? Who could be bothered with it

We were talking about this yesterday (came up in relation to there being a contract term for Grand Designs that you always have to get pregnant during a stressful build - why don't they abstain during the build ) and wondering why people have more kids and dogs when they can't cope with the ones they've got already and have demanding jobs (or are building a new home). They'll say they're stressed and have mental health problems - and then they add to them. Why? Surely you make life easier for yourself where you can, not harder!

I became a grandmother at your age and have since gone thru the menopause ( now 55 ) I now have 3 grandchildren and am as besotted with them as the day the first one arrived.....I also find I am totally into friends grandchildren too.....we have granny play dates ( Covid permitting ) .....whereas I found play dates a big chore when my 3 were little .....lbut I don’t have my grandchildren day in and day out like you or have to parents them.....so maybe that’s the difference

That sounds like me, I don’t have my own grandchildren yet but love to ‘get in on’ my friend’s grandchildren. Pre COVID I’d love to see them and spend hours do arts and crafts and stuff. I think a lot of it depends on when you had your own DC. I was visiting uni open days with my youngest (I have 3 DC) when I was starting to have Menapause symptoms. Unfortunately for my DH he was the one who had to put up with my tears, rage, forgetting things!

I hear you, OP. I'm 46, well into peri, and my children are between 7 and 12 years old. They are all great kids and I love them dearly, but I really have to make an effort to be with them now. It makes me sad that I feel this way. I used to hang on their every word and was fascinated by everything they did. Now I find my attention drifting when they are talking to me and, although I do still make the effort to bake and craft with them, I'm always quite relieved when it's done, they run off to do something else and I can be on my own again. I wish I could regain the enthusiasm that I used to have.

Peri has mostly been ok for me, but I do sometimes have mood swings that appear out of nowhere and I know I'm not nice to be around then. I'm considering HRT, partly to help with the above and partly for the benefits to heart, bones etc.

Fabulous thread. So reassuring to see my baffled thoughts written down by others and articulated so well!

I'd recently come to the conclusion I'm becoming far less tolerant at work, but feel HRT is a bit of a leap.

Going to monitor other symptoms first, but so refreshing to hear my feelings are normal.

Thank god you posted in AIBU OP, as I'd have never seen this if in Womans health (shudder).