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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing your ‘mummy’ nurturing hormones in perimenopause

167 replies

Kitchendisco21 · 08/04/2021 13:50

I am 48 and find I am much much less patient with my kids and I wondered if it was because perimenopause and into menopause strips you of your nurturing oestrogen & ‘mummy’ hormones. Aibu?

I have a primary aged young child still so was older having my kids and maybe this is one of the negatives of having kids older!! It certainly feels like it!!

Anyone else feel like this? My peri symptoms are bloody shit to be fair and I am exploring HRT at the moment!

OP posts:
Cowbells · 09/04/2021 08:09

I bet it is a real thing, although my lack of mothering hormones didn't run out until menopause itself. In peri, I was the opposite - suffocatingly mumsy. My poor (adult) niece came to stay and I think I scared her off by looking after her so much. Her own mum is far less mumsy and she had been perfectly capable of taking care of herself from age 12.

But in menopause there's been the rise of this really lovely (imo) feeling of healthy selfishness - of not giving a toss what others think or doing what I need to do to be healthy and happy. After decades of putting others first it feels like fresh air. But DC are just about adults now, so we've all been lucky on the timing. Except I think I did baby them far too long in adolescence.

Stuffin · 09/04/2021 08:14

Hmmm I never had the 'mummy hormones' in the first place as childfree by choice. But equally I have no patience for anything Grin

Original poster
Kitchendisco21 · 09/04/2021 08:22

Ahh, all your posts are so interesting and reassuring! I definitely don’t love my kids any less- I adore them- but I really do feel different and I think it must be hormones! I still feel emotional when I get my period and a bit broody but it’s literally for 1 day of the month and assume it will stop once my periods stop! I don’t have much energy for anything at the moment!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchendisco21 · 09/04/2021 08:23

@BlueSkyBlinking your post about HRT is really interesting. I never fared well with the pill so was not on it very much and that’s one of my HRT concerns!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchendisco21 · 09/04/2021 08:25

@NiceGerbil I notice that I am particularly emotional and broody when I hand me period-very sentimental about babies & when they were young etc. But then it only lasts a day or so and goes away when my hormones level again. It’s really weird & guess I notice it more now as everything is more pronounced in perimenopause I think as hormones are all over the place!

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 09/04/2021 08:26

Our lovely dog died last year and I don’t know whether to get another one as I’m just not sure if I want to be caring for another being again. Sounds awful but actually it’s quite nice and liberating!!

It makes me think of the Roger McGough poem:
'It's a joy to be old. The kids through school.
The dog dead and the car sold'

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 09/04/2021 08:33

I'm out the other side and I'm still very maternal. I am however much stroppier than I used to be - not rude, just firm, and not taking shit any longer. I really like it...

Cowbells · 09/04/2021 08:37

@HeadNorth - I don't know that poem but I love it already. McGough is so brilliant. Off to look it up. Thank you.

battleaxe2000 · 09/04/2021 08:41

I am 45 and can relate to a fair bit of this. I think it has all been exacerbated by Corona virus (I am a HCP) and I am left feeling like I don't know what's me, what's peri and what is Dd (14) who is frankly a nightmare ATM.

Definately feeling less nuturing at home and less accomadating at work but feel a bit like hamster on a wheel in that I can't stop.
I fantasise about getting an oncall room for a few days and just doing my own thing Grin

Theluggage15 · 09/04/2021 08:49

@HeadNorth. Great poem, I’m off to read it. I just need to get rid of the car then!

OhWhyNot · 09/04/2021 08:59

I was thinking this the other day when I was in the park. I used to look at ds and my heart would burst with love and I would just want to cuddle him. I still feel that at times but certainly feel like I can’t be arsed often.

But he is 13 so naturally he is starting to break away and I have to let him go it’s natures way. When my cat had kittens I was heartbroken when they left she had been pushing them away for a few weeks and didn’t once seem to miss them once Shock

I’m also peri menopausal and just don’t care as much about so many things which is so liberating and in many ways more confident

I wish I had felt this way in my 20’s and 30’s

But then other side of me feels very broody especially just before ovulation I think this is a mixture of ds getting older and my chance to have a baby has gone (only for a toddler though not broody for an actual baby)

merrygoround88 · 09/04/2021 09:07

@OhWhyNot. I found I was terribly broody for a child just before I really hit peri fully and I must say that’s all but gone. I feel absolutely nothing when I see young children and I used to swoon. My lovely niece is 4 and I even find myself bored and disinterested looking after her.

When my older DC had play dates I used to build forts, bake etc. Now with the youngest I just bring them to the corner shop.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s less about hormones and more about our children’s and our ages , which is why it’s so hard to have children when older

Armi · 09/04/2021 09:13

I don’t know about the nurturing thing, but I find I have no patience whatsoever. In my head I am surrounded by unreasonable idiots who lack all common sense. I am amazed by how ridiculous work colleagues are when they seem incapable of spotting very simple solutions to problems and instead seem to want to spend weeks flopping around agonising over what are fairly straightforward options. When I was younger I would have been mortified at the thought of offending anyone with a cut-the-crap approach but now I find I don’t really care. I just want decisions made so I can go back to drinking coffee and seething.

OhWhyNot · 09/04/2021 09:21

merrygoround88 I have just started in the last few months to get peri menopause symptoms

I used to be quite smothering so probably a relief for ds I am not hugging him constantly Grin

I have always been a very maternal person so losing those very strong feeling is like my core personality is changing but I am not in any way sad about it

LookAChicken · 09/04/2021 09:55

Oh Armi, I can relate to that scenario.

Whatisgoingonhere · 09/04/2021 10:02

I can definitely relate to this!

43, peri menopausal, with a 3 year old and 17 month old, I’m finding it makes parenting two little DC much harder!

With my 3 year old, I spent so many nights up with him in the first year, no issues! But with my second, my husband had to do the night shifts for the first year. I simply could not do it, due in part to fatigue or being knocked about by night sweats and heart palpitations (anxiety through the roof!), etc.

I have no patience like I used to and I just want to be alone. I’m angrier and have become even more introverted. I said to one of my friends that I feel like my compassion and empathy have been completely drained from me and I have very little to give to anyone.

I’m on the pill now and that has helped with some of the symptoms too, but dreading menopause which drs have told me will most likely be sooner rather than later as my mother went through it early. Yay.

SwimBaby · 09/04/2021 10:25

I kind of experienced the opposite of this, I was an empty nester in my late 40’s and really missed all the caring feelings so I got a kitten who’s turned out to be the love of my life.

PleaseHoldCaller1 · 09/04/2021 11:02

This is definitely the case with me. I have always mothered everyone - friends, family and even my parents.

When I had kids it all felt very natural and I didn't resent the constant demands on my time etc. Now my kids are teenagers and I just can't be fucked with it all. I'm fed up with listening to their melodramatic nonsense, I'm sick of cooking, I'm bored of having to consider everyone elses feeling and needs all the time. I love and adore them the same as I did when they were small but its like perimenopause has made me a bit spiky when I used to be fluffy. I constantly fantasise about being able to go on holiday just with DH, to cook and eat what I like, to only consider what I want to do at the weekend etc.

It's a weird mix of alarming and liberating. I thought I'd be dreading them leaving home but I actually can't wait for my 50's when I can do what I want a bit more!

lborgia · 09/04/2021 11:14

@Kitchendisco21 - just to reassure you, I assumed that HRT would be a disaster because I’ve never managed the pill, but I’m on LIvial, which is actually an HMT, and it’s been brilliant.

Might not work for you, but don’t worry til you’ve tried it!

chickadeeee · 09/04/2021 11:39

dayswithaY
I completely relate to your post, windy castles and all Grin

I just want to get myself back now, slowly, like a butterfly from a chrysalis, she will appear Wink

Make time for you Thanks

littlepattilou · 09/04/2021 11:42

@SwimBaby

I kind of experienced the opposite of this, I was an empty nester in my late 40’s and really missed all the caring feelings so I got a kitten who’s turned out to be the love of my life.
This. ^ I am quite shocked at some of these posts to be honest.
littlepattilou · 09/04/2021 11:42

@SwimBaby

I kind of experienced the opposite of this, I was an empty nester in my late 40’s and really missed all the caring feelings so I got a kitten who’s turned out to be the love of my life.
This ^ I am quite shocked at some of these posts to be honest..
littlepattilou · 09/04/2021 11:50

@NiceGerbil

I'm really interested in this nurturing thing

I never had it.

Posters talking about losing the sort of. Drive, impulse? To care for, put others first, give give give, all that sort of thing.

I've never been that way. It's a hormonally driven behaviour?

That's so sad........ Sad

littlepattilou · 09/04/2021 11:51

I mean it's so sad (IMO) that you have never felt this way about anyone @NiceGerbil

malificent7 · 09/04/2021 11:51

I think its more to do with the fact that as kids get older they should know better so irriration goes up!