Losing your ‘mummy’ nurturing hormones in perimenopause

[Kitchendisco21]

I am 48 and find I am much much less patient with my kids and I wondered if it was because perimenopause and into menopause strips you of your nurturing oestrogen & ‘mummy’ hormones. Aibu?

I have a primary aged young child still so was older having my kids and maybe this is one of the negatives of having kids older!! It certainly feels like it!!

Anyone else feel like this? My peri symptoms are bloody shit to be fair and I am exploring HRT at the moment!

Wow this is like a light bulb to me! School holidays which I used to love I’ve began to dread. I can’t be arsed with the constant noise, mess, talking. I just want to be left alone. I’ve felt terrible the last few days and put it down to grumpiness pre menstrual mood. I’m 46 and probably peri apart from hrt has anyone found a different way to lift their mood? Everything seems such hard-work and I’m aware my mood affects the house.

My nurturing hormones have well and truly left the room .I was such a doting mother from the age of about 11 .Babysat every child in the neighbourhood , took them for walks , looked after my 11ty billion cousins .Became a Nurse /Paediatric Nurse , had my own kids and loved it.Kids now 22 and 20 and I would run and hide if someone asked me to mind baby for an hour.I just could not do it.

Omg this is a lightbulb for me!
I just don't care anymore. Def been peri for a couple of years. First time since teens I've not been broody. Hate the idea of even holding a baby now.
I've lost all sense of nurturing. I used to batch cook meals with lots of hidden veggies etc. Now I just shove a ready meal in the oven.

This is me exactly. I’m heading into earlyish menopause at 44 and have gone from Mary Poppins to Nurse Ratchett.

As @Whyisitsodifficult said, I just want to be alone a lot of the time. Go back 2 years and i was all board games, craft and baking.

I feel a bit sorry for my youngest who is only 10 so I try make an effort with her but it’s just that ..... an effort. A good friend has a one year old and I really don’t know how I would cope with that

Maybe it’s that the cute baby inspires the love rush all over again

@MissyB1 yea, my mother left the building when she entered menopause. All her energy went into my c*nt of a stepfather and had done since. I don’t remember really having any support from her in my teens- it was awful and has really damaged me. I really am trying to be there & support & love my kids despite how shit perimenopause is making me feel!!

I haven’t experienced it (yet!) but I do think there’s something in it. I guess it’s nature, ensuring the young leave the nest. You see it with animals, when the mother gradually loses patience and interest once it’s time fir the young to fend for themselves. Women definitely go through the mill during menopause; it’s certainly been an exhausting and tedious process for me so far, so much so I have resorted to HRT.

I’m not sure if it’s age or hormones.
I’m 42 and definitely not peri menopausal but I’m discovering my own life again and allowing my kids more breathing space. They are all older though. I feel nostalgic for the mum I was and the kids being little but I’m also happy to regain my sense I’m if self. I’m so with you on lacking patience though and actively avoid meeting with friends now who have lots of small children- I find it so irritating

Yes!!! I was wondering if I was going mad recently I'm 49 nearly 50 my brain is a fog! I have a 7 yr old and teens and he often says mummy you're not here!?
Bananas 🍌 I just thought after16 years of parenting (I have older ones) I was a bit done! And so bloody tired as well!
Maybe it's time to get some hormone replacement 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm 42 and I'm wondering if I'm peri, even though hormone test was normal. Periods superlight (usually very heavy), impatient, so tired and cant be bothered. I want the old energetic me. Dr says hrt may be next step but is that wise if not fully menopausal 🤔

I think there’s something In this theory. I am a good mum, and have done all the “right” things but I spend more time now thinking about my future and what I want to do career wise, where I want to live etc. I still obviously love and care for my kids but I am less invested which is probably a good thing for them as they are older teens now.
I will still invite them out if I am going somewhere I think they might like but if they don’t want to come , I now sometimes think good, I can treat myself to a nicer lunch or whatever rather than McDonald’s or somewhere cheaper like before. I do enjoy trips out with just one child rather than both as it’s generally more enjoyable and less sibling arguments that I have less tolerance for now.
I fantasise a lot now about grown up holidays doing things I like to do rather than family friendly type places i actively dislike now.

I think possibly you're right, I had my last period 7 years go when my DC were still young, but looking back now I feel I may have lost interest in friends babies if that makes sense. Sometimes I have to remind my self that my teens still need a mum (I think !!)

I've never had the nurturing thing. I really, really hate being depended on or needed. I have cats cos they do what they need to do. Luckily, I got to pay people to do that when the kids were v little. I've never had much patience anyway, but I did spend 20odd years on the pill and I noticed my emotions became much stronger when the Dr took me off it (increase in aura migraine at 39).

However, I do have a sudden and weird yearning for a puppy. I am not a dog person. I think it's my ovaries ' last gasp; they know dh is now sterile, but they still want me to love something little with big eyes.

I don't think it's hormones, I think by the time you have teenagers, you've just had enough of parenting.

They irritate you, you irate them, it's Mother Nature's way of getting them to leave and procreate. Otherwise they little shits would never leave home.

I have a 16 and 18 year old and am literally counting down the days until I'm "free".

926 days if you were wondering!!

I had a hysterectomy when my children were all under 6. I can’t say I felt that exactly but I was definitely no fun to be around for a while until my hrt was sorted!

This is interesting. Rather then hormones, I put it down to 18+ years of parenting and putting their needs first , just in ordinary ways like most other parents , and running out of energy and enthusiasm and becoming excited about doing something for myself again.

The "wife work" takes it toll. It's hard to understand fully if you haven't done it. Eighteen years of repetitive tasks have really got to me: emptying the dishwasher, washing their clothes, driving them where they want to go, mediating the disputes, doctor appts, school runs, remembering to buy the shampoo that won't set off little Johnny's allergy ..it's eighteen years where those concerns push out many of your own simp!y because something has to give. You are also older and more tired with less energy to spread around.

At the same time DC become teens and let's just say "less enthusiastic" about everything you are doing for them and you think "fuck it" time to put myself first a bit!

Menopause at 45 was very grim, my baby ship long gone , 2 sons at 26 and 29.
Changing hormones are crap, by hrt you tend to delay stuff, I couldn’t have it, now left at 58 with hormonal depression, started at 56.
Not reactive, crap and now long term meds

I'm 47 and perimenopausal, but I have been on the pill Qlaira for 18 months, I'm assuming this is replacing some of the hormones that I've lost. I have three DC, 16, 14 and 12(also asd) so lots of teen/tween angst, plus lots of ups and downs with youngest. However I am a teaching assistant and still mumsy with the kids, they're 9 and 10 year olds.

@sashagabadon

I think there’s something In this theory. I am a good mum, and have done all the “right” things but I spend more time now thinking about my future and what I want to do career wise, where I want to live etc. I still obviously love and care for my kids but I am less invested which is probably a good thing for them as they are older teens now. I will still invite them out if I am going somewhere I think they might like but if they don’t want to come , I now sometimes think good, I can treat myself to a nicer lunch or whatever rather than McDonald’s or somewhere cheaper like before. I do enjoy trips out with just one child rather than both as it’s generally more enjoyable and less sibling arguments that I have less tolerance for now. I fantasise a lot now about grown up holidays doing things I like to do rather than family friendly type places i actively dislike now.

^^ I can really relate to this sashagabadon . It's all magnified under lockdown too. I am just desperate to cook something really sophisticated involving lots of seafood and eat it all by myself in perfect silence

Fully menopausal after ovaries removed last year at age 45. I have a toddler. It is not a good combination.

Can’t take HRT. Maybe I’ll be through the utter grimness of menopause when she’s a teenager but I’m not counting on it. Tbh though, I feel plenty of love and nurturing feelings for her. I just hate my partner now.

Interesting thread, which I’m reading with interest and fear!

I became a mum just three weeks shy of my 42nd birthday. I loved it all, it transformed me, lots of nurturing instincts I’d never had before, and a joy I’d never dreamt of. 30s hormones for me seemed to be mainly libido and really awful PMT.

At 43 I was widowed, and that changed everything. I think the shock or bereavement either brought on, or coincided with, the perimenopause. And everything has been further fogged up by the pandemic: hard to be a motherhood-and-apple-pie nurturing mum when you are widowed and in lockdown.

That said, my emotion keep changing. I’ve always been an introvert, but I NEED more alone time. I still love kissing and cuddling my son, but I get bored playing with him, and he reproaches me for not listening to him properly. My periods are now very irregular, my hair is thinning, I’ve put on weight ( I blame lockdown for this, though I’m beginning to suspect a broken thyroid.)

At the same time, I’ve also had a strong but impossible longing for another child. 💜 But I’m beginning to feel like I’m in another stage of life to the other, younger mums. Like I’m finally reaching the I-don’t -give-a-fuck phase, while they are all still anxious about presentation, and social positioning within mum-world. (That may not be age behind it, maybe it’s bereavement. I’ve been shattered. I don’t care about wearing any yummy mummy uniform.)

But yes, if menopause comes and further de-mummifies me, god help us both. My saving grace is that I’m determined to be a good mum, and thankfully I like my DS, as well as love him. I owe so much to my late partner too, who was such a terrific, loving, hands-on father.

I'm really sorry for your loss Libelula21 that sounds really hard

Oh wow I didn’t know about this phenomena.

Could be why my mum is so different these days and not very affectionate .

Am 48 and been in peri menopause for about 5 years. It has been a nightmare and HRT has completely saved me. It’s awful it has had such a bad press and not understood by so many including GPs. I had a battle to get it but now I am on it I am back to my normal self.

ME ME ME. Im 56 I have 4 kids ranging from 28 to 16, only the 16 year old left at home. I have been sooooooo done looking after things for years. I wont even get a cat at this point incase I have to care for it. Ive been like this since my late 40s. My big kids moved out within the last 5 years, one at a time and even though I love them I was soooo thrilled they were not in my house any more.