Losing your ‘mummy’ nurturing hormones in perimenopause

[Kitchendisco21]

I am 48 and find I am much much less patient with my kids and I wondered if it was because perimenopause and into menopause strips you of your nurturing oestrogen & ‘mummy’ hormones. Aibu?

I have a primary aged young child still so was older having my kids and maybe this is one of the negatives of having kids older!! It certainly feels like it!!

Anyone else feel like this? My peri symptoms are bloody shit to be fair and I am exploring HRT at the moment!

I find this really interesting! I am in a fb group which is mainly women in our 40s and 50s and obviously two of the big areas of discussion are parenting teens and peri/menopause. I’ve had times where I’ve had to step away because the discussions of parenting teens just horrifies me so much. It’s as if they genuinely despise them.

I’m 53 and I haven’t really experienced any peri or menopause symptoms yet. My mum didn’t go through menopause until 55 so if that’s the case for me my kids will be 16 and 17. Hopefully I can’t do them too much damage by then LOL.

I don’t know how much is hormonal and how much is that I want my life back now. I’m 51 with teenagers and love them hugely but I want to focus on me now. I am also the main earner and so I feel like I am carrying quite a heavy load although DH does more than his fair share around the house.

I remember the gut-clenching anxiety I had when they were tiny (esp dc1) and the awful teens we had with same dc1 who is just entering 20’s. I’m a different person now, post meno and dc2 just about to become a teenager. He’s still a hug monster and I’m super-calm now. I’m relieved and really enjoying this phase of parenting

Someone once said to me peri menopause and teens were the perfect storm.

If you are having hot flushes, sleeping badly, bloating, inching, hormonal swings, chest tightness,low mood, mild feelings of a panicky nature, combined with a busy life and children it can be tough.

I had the all of the above of varying degrees over a 7 period and they went from mild to awful.
46 -51 were definitely the worst years.
Vitamin B Complex was a great support for the nervous system.
Starflower oil capsules for hormonal surges.
Piriton that makes you a bit drowsey was a great back up for sleeplessness too if it went on too long.

Stress definitely exacerbates the hot flushes IMO.
I am 95% done and happy it's nearly over.
Some tough years.
Self care is very important.
Unfortunately it's easy to get a bit worn out from it if you don't look after yourself.

This is interesting and I've never thought about it before, but I think I agree.

I went through early menopause aged 40 and I've definitely been less nurturing since then. Pandemic life hasn't helped matters, obviously, but I'm definitely less patient with my teens and actively looking forward to them flying the nest.

@Oldbeams - that brought tears to my eyes, I could not have articulated so perfectly my feelings. Thank you. I just want everyone to FOTTFSOFATFOSM. And I mean everyone.

DH has just announced he is going to work from home full time from now on because he loves it so much. I would leave home. if I didn’t have 2 SEN children to look after.

Sorry, I know this was supposed to be a bit light-hearted.

What an interesting thread. I am nearly 47. How did you know you were approaching the menopause? I don't actually know that much about it. With motherhood, I feel like I've been soldiering on slightly depressed for so long that I don't know any different! I have had some hair loss, but put that down to Covid

My periods started going weird
Having been a radiator person all my life i started getting really cold hands and feet. At the age of 45 I finally understood what chilled to the bone feels like!
Excessive sweating at night but not too bad
Mood? No idea. Mood is really hard as it's so gradual and so hard to pin on one thing. What with covid, brexit, WFH full time, massive change in normal life. I'm on ADs. How much of it relates to which though?

I'm really interested in this nurturing thing

I never had it.

Posters talking about losing the sort of. Drive, impulse? To care for, put others first, give give give, all that sort of thing.

I've never been that way. It's a hormonally driven behaviour?

I've not heard women talking about this urge before and I'm really interested.

(I have never really functioned as or understood a lot of norms about being a girl/ woman. I'm not horrible or anything I make more friends than I need... Other women and girls, looking back. Have always asked me questions about what I think or feel about stuff and said/ indicated that I'm... Dunno. Different).

I had no idea there was a hormonally driven urge to do the self sacrifice, caring, all that stuff. It's fascinating.

Thank you @Oldbeams 🙏🏼

46 and periods definitely more erratic. I track on my Fitbit and have gone from a regular 26 day cycle to anything between 26 and 35 days. Also getting night sweats and wake up at 5am every morning so assuming I am in the early stages of peri. When is it the best time to look into HRT?

I've always looked after myself and my own needs. Progressed well in my career and have hobbies and good self care. I still have 2 children at home and obviously with lockdown I've spent a lot of time with them. I've loved wfh and being around for them and am dreading having to go back into the office. So I don't think I've lost that bit of my nature yet. Still love the dog and cats and can tolerate dh much better now than I could in the early years.

@MysweetAudrina the specialist menopause nurse at my GP (I KNOW, right?) said that they treat it now as a simple hormone deficiency and can treat it for life. She said that things like brain fog can be stopped altogether by HRT if you treat soon enough, but that after a certain point losses in cognitive function can become permanent. My mum definitely went from being sharp and on the ball to incredibly vague and forgetful, and I can feel the same thing happening to me (along with a lot of other horrible peri stuff). It distressed my mum and it distresses me.

With no fuss, she put me on the lowest possible dose (one pump of gel a day and progesterone tablets) and I’m going back for a review in four months. I am undecided about it but trying it out. Hormone contraception never worked for me and caused migraines, but with my new friend Peri, I have a migraine every week so there is a chance that these hormones will now have the opposite effect and reduce them.

The progesterone actively protects against womb cancer. Apparently, very heavy periods (thank you, Peri) are a sign that this is out of whack with oestrogen, which is a risk factor for womb cancer. So I feel relieved that HRT might also be good for me in this way.

Anyway, I would say that it can’t hurt to to speak to someone. You might decide to wait and see, but at least you’ll know your options.

I lost my husband nurturing hormones instead!

@FlamingoAtTheBing0 get a grip ffs stop being a bitch
@Kitchendisco21 I’m 47 with DDs aged 11 and 8 ... I am less patient with them right now but also tired as a single mum and some days it’s a hormonal battle of stubborn will all round in my house... the joys! 🤣

Thanks OP for a thought provoking post. It makes sense that losing nurturing feelings could be hormone linked, as well as just being absolutely OVER the physical and emotional labour of looking after everyone.

I don’t love my children any less. I just don’t get the gut wrenching sense of separation from them when they are out and growing up etc. And I don’t desperately want to do stuff with them. I think it makes me a less intense parent tbh!

I was suddenly struck at some point when approaching 50 that my single DB had always eaten what he wanted in the evening, watched what he wanted on the tv, never done someone else's washing, fitted his life around teen lifts, cooked for 5 daily.
I think that was dwindling hormones.
I was much more in the feminists corner after that.

On a careers thread I also suggested that the reason girls choose, childcare, nursing, carework rather than plumbing is the surging hormones in their teens.

I have a 16 and 18 year old and am literally counting down the days until I'm "free".

Good luck with that, my 26 year old is currently back home after leaving for uni 8 years ago. Seems to have regressed from being an independent adult to asking me to put a plaster on a cut and bedroom is a tip. It's like having a teenager back except with stronger opinions.

I am late forties, peri since aged 40, so now living with it for seven years. I am still very affectionate with my dc, but my patience has gone definitely and also my energy levels. I am simply can not muster up the same enthusiasm I had easily in my 30's. I have work hard at parenting now, rather than it coming naturally to me.
I have teens now, so there is a natural change to dynamics, but after sixteen years of parenting I feel done. I have enjoyed it, it is been great but babies and young children no longer do it for me.

Endlessly caring for everyone has taken its toll. I am good fun when I am rested, and I would say I still enjoy dc - but I tire faster, need more alone time and have to be careful not to irritable.

As a result, I hope my dc have children younger. Ageing is a thing.

Very interesting thank you!

I think this is really interesting. I have an aunt that has been saying something like Caitlin Moran wrote for the last ten years, since she went through menopause.
She still minds and enjoys her grandkids, is a loving and supportive mother/sister/aunt/friend.
But her boundaries are much stronger now.
If it doesn't suit her to help she won't and makes no apologies.
I'm in medical menopause because I'm on hormone blockers/ovaries turned off due to breast cancer.
I've always been very "maternal" eldest sibling of what is now a large family, babysat a lot at home and for neighbours when young.
Happy to be around/babysit friends DC when they started having them.
I don't have my own because breast cancer was diagnosed when ttc, I was very sad about that for a good while but the physical reality of my health now has made it very apparent that in a way it's for the best.
I still love babies and children. Can't wait for Covid to get under control so I can cuddle the new babies I haven't even seen in person.

But definitely identify with people here who say they no longer really care what other people think of them and have less tolerance for being messed around.
I thought that was just getting older/cancer diagnosis but maybe it is the hormone depletion.
On the hot flushes/brain fog I know it's not easy especially not for me because I am actually an addict! But cutting out sugar massively improves those symptoms for me.

And it is not just dc. I feel low libido and also wanting to stay at home and relax more than socialise now, despite enjoying time with friends. I am just too tired. Some of this will be from the long lockdown and covid, but I suspect the gear change was happening anyway.

Slowing down, taking time to really look after myself, limiting what I take on, being careful with other people's baggage and focusing on whats important. The brain fog can cloud up even the most basic of things. So keeping lists, staying organised, using time well and making for daily exercise helps. Memory loss is embarrassing so now developed some ways around that. Accepting we don't stay 29 forever - much of this is inevitable, natural and perhaps even desirable.

Not sure i had any really quantifiable amount of the nurturing mummy hormones. I liked babies up to about 6 months, and endured (to a greater or lesser degree) most of the years until they left home.

I still like babies, and have a higher tolerance for children of any age now that they don't call me "mum"

This is a lightbulb moment for me. I just thought that I was exhausted by 23 years of motherhood and sheer hard work, both physical and emotional.

When someone upthread said they had lost interest in cake making, I laughed out loud. I used to love baking, I've got so many recipes covered in pen where I've made tweaks so the sponge is perfect for my little darlings. Now, I'm resentful that I'm stuck making dinners for six foot tall children. Sometimes, I don't even eat with them, last night I ate a ready meal in the kitchen, alone.

I don't regret the years I slavishly devoted to my children, I'm happy that I gave them as much as I physically had to give. But now, I do wonder what was the bloody point of it all? If I'd spent the school holidays on the sofa watching daytime TV and ignoring them, rather than making packed lunches and tearing off to a bleak, windy castle with a rounders set for the whole day - would the outcome really have been that different?

I love them, I'm proud of them. But so far, none of them have set the world on fire so why did I flog myself half to death with after school clubs, tutors and amazing birthday parties? What was it all for, what's the end result?

And now, I've got nothing left of myself to give to anyone. I feel empty and a bit conned but I can't blame anyone but myself.

How does this work when grandchildren come along, I wonder?

Could explain my mothers hatred for kids and the way she treated me from around age 10. She was 39 when she had me.

Aw Caitlin Moran, I'm happy she got such a lot of publicity but she said (about menopause, about having children...) nothing that plenty of other women hadn't said before. Several times.

Luckily she got an audience. That is the good thing.

I actually put it all down to the fact that after 16 or so years of having appendages that i had to consider every single time i made a decision, i now really only have DH and we have always been good at joint decisions and supporting each other (we were married a long long time before DCs and had a good system in place). So at work, i could really get my teeth into projects and because i didn't have the (very occasional) child-sick-day or rush off for a pickup or have to have holidays when school was off - people suddenly "saw" me. And i am older and experienced and have grey hair and suddenly I'm not taking people talking over me or stealing my ideas or whatever.

Although, tbh, that has been me since my teenage years anyway.