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AIBU?

To not change my name

104 replies

FourDecades · 08/04/2021 08:01

XH and l have been divorced nearly 3 years. Him and OW are now getting married.

I kept my married name as l wanted to be the same as my DC and l really couldn't be doing with the hassle of changing everything.

However a friend has questioned my decision and is now making me have doubts that l should stay as Mrs XX.

I am not bothered at all about him re-marrying but it does feel a bit....odd... that the OW will now also be Mrs XX.

I don't want to revert back to my maiden name as l don't like it and it feels a lifetime ago that l was that name. I can't double barrel as my married surname is already a DB.

I was feeling fine until my friend told me l was "wrong" to keep it. Now l feel really unsettled about it all.

My DC are boy's and so unlikely to change their own surname as they age.

Just wondering if anyone else was in this situation and how they felt about their XH new wife having the same name as them and if it caused any issues.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm now feeling so unsettled about it... and equally what makes me so reluctant to change my surname.

OP posts:

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WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 12:52

Keep your Surname OP

and

Keep your MRS as well..

it's nobody else's business and it's certainly NOT your Ex or this wife's business.

don't bow to knobby pressure, tell your so called friend to butt the hell out, from trying to isolate you from your kids. 🌸

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TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 13:06

tell your so called friend to butt the hell out, from trying to isolate you from your kids.

WTF?!

Admittedly, I never felt the need to share a surname with the person I grew, but how is this isolating her from her kids?!

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UraniaXX · 08/04/2021 13:07

I never had the same name as my kids, nor my mother, and it's never been an issue - never. No one has ever questioned my maternity. I guess it might help that my daughter and I look strikingly alike, even with my red and her black hair. All of the names we women get are patriarchal, so it's no less feminist to revert to your 'maiden' name at this stage, although I personally wouldn't change my name in the first place. I've always used Ms, even as a kid - I grew up in a very feminist household - if I don't get the choice of Ms, I use Mr.

Ultimately it's your decision, there's always going to be someone else with an opinion, but you own your name. Just thought I'd let you know that I've never had any issues with having different names from my family, we're still a family.

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Jaxhog · 08/04/2021 13:07

@MaskingForIt

It’s not your XH’s name, it’s your name now. Keep your name if you want, change your name if you want. It’s you choice and whatever your last name is will be your name.

Exactly.

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Blackbird99 · 08/04/2021 13:16

I didn't change my name after getting divorced for exactly the same reasons as you OP. It was my name. My XH did not like this and nor did his new wife but it was nothing to do with them and I still kept it as it was just easier that way. I have changed it back to my maiden name now though as DC's are older and actually I don't want anything to do with my bully controlling XH.
Maybe you could consider a completely new name if you don't like your maiden name, but ultimately you are not "wrong" to keep your married name if that's what you want to do. However you seem very easily unsettled so may be deep down it doesn't sit right with you not to change it.

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Scarlettpixie · 08/04/2021 13:25

I am separated and won’t be changing my name back to my maiden on divorce. It has been my name for over 20 years and feels very much mine. My son shares the same name.

I am currently using Mrs and might carry on after we divorce. I haven’t decided but I don’t really like Ms and Miss sounds like I have never married. I don’t feel like either.

My best friend kept her married name from years ago even though they never had kids and were only married for a couple of years. I think she prefers it to her maiden name and couldn’t be bothered with the faff of changing it. I think she goes by Miss.

I am STBXHs 2nd wife and his 1st wife still uses Mrs XH name. If he gets around to marrying OW there will be 3 of us!

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caringcarer · 08/04/2021 13:30

When I divorced Exh only change I made was becoming Ms and I had to have bank cards changed just for that small change. When I remarried I used new husband's name. Do as you want. Your ex cannot stop you.

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YoniAndGuy · 08/04/2021 13:30

It’s your family name now. If your Ex doesn’t like it, you could suggest that he takes his turn at surname changing to accommodate changing family set ups, just like you did? Also remember to remind everyone who comments that it’s not actually your ex’s surname anyway, it’s just his father’s. 😉

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MrsExpo · 08/04/2021 13:33

Definitely keep the name. It's your name now and is the same as your kids. The new wife is not, and never will be, the mother of your children.

Also, if ExDH and new wife have kids of their own, the half siblings will all have the same name.

XH insisted his first wife changed her surname when they divorced, but it wasn't even discussed when we split. I think he knew l wouldn't due to the DC.

He's a charmer isn't he? I hope she didn't do it!!!

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WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 13:57

Admittedly, I never felt the need to share a surname with the person I grew, but how is this isolating her from her kids?!

Because OP said further upthread....

I think it also stems from when we first split and XH told me that the OW wants to be "like a mother to them".. meaning the DC
.. and apparently already "thinks like a mother and acts like one". We'd been separated 4 months

Maybe that's some of the reason l don't want her to have the same name as them ...and me different

so I mean in terms of being OP feeling 'different' would feel a sense of isolation..,

not a physical one 🌸

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RickiTarr · 08/04/2021 14:28

@funnylittlefloozie

I am in the process of getting divorced, and won't be changing my surname. Its been my name for 24 years, its the same as my DDs, and tbh its quite a common name so its hardly an automatic mental link to the exH.

I like the anonymity of it too. My surname before I was married was extremely unique, we were the only family of that name in the UK. I like not being findable!

Yes, the nature & experience of having an unusual name is very different in the lost-internet world, compared to it felt growing up with an uncommon name.

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RickiTarr · 08/04/2021 14:28

Post-internet, I mean.

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FourDecades · 08/04/2021 14:42

Many thanks again. It has been really interesting and thought provoking reading the responses.

They won't have their own DC.

I also don't identify as a "Miss" ... nor Ms really. I've written, been called and called myself Mrs FourDecades for two decades now that it would feel strange to be something else

OP posts:

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anxietyanonymous · 08/04/2021 14:54

I had this dilemma. But my kids wanted me to keep it.

And then one day i woke up and thought fuck it its my name and has been for ten years so am going to own it!

At some point surely it just becomes
Your name and not his!

I also think it probably annoys him that i have the same name as his new wife and i think he expected me to 'give it back' so that js a bonus ha.

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WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 14:55

@anxietyanonymous

I had this dilemma. But my kids wanted me to keep it.

And then one day i woke up and thought fuck it its my name and has been for ten years so am going to own it!

At some point surely it just becomes
Your name and not his!

I also think it probably annoys him that i have the same name as his new wife and i think he expected me to 'give it back' so that js a bonus ha.

Good on you 🌸

and it IS your name ☺️

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FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 14:59

I wouldn't want to keep the same name as my ex. My kids are double barrelled me and him so they still have my name though. My mum still has my step dads surname, and they separated about 15 years ago. Your choice OP.

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FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 15:02

I've told my partner if we get married I'm not changing my name.

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WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 15:51

@FireflyRainbow

I've told my partner if we get married I'm not changing my name.

you don't have too...

just double barrel your kids names if you prefer 🌸

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crosstalk · 08/04/2021 17:20

Never changed my name since first marriage 50 years ago. It's helped a lot especially professionally.

Perhaps for those who want to change to their husband's the Spanish way is the best to go? The two become Xname Yname as are their children. If they get divorced IMHO the children keep the double name but the divorced couple can change as liked.

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WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 18:38

It's not difficult... many people keep their own names. 🌸

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TownTalkJewels · 08/04/2021 20:59

This is a tough one OP! How old are your kids? If they are little I could see why you’d want to share a name, if they are teens it’s perhaps less relevant. Could you choose one of his double barrels, and your maiden name as well? Create your own DB!

My partner is divorced and if his ex had his name, I might think she was not over the marriage, a bit like if she was still wearing her wedding ring ... as it happens she didn’t ever change her name, which turned out to be a good call!

I understand not wanting to share a name with the new wife though. My brother’s wife is a very difficult character in our family, and it really bothers me that I now share a (very unique) name with her! Different situation, but names can be very emotive!

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peak2021 · 08/04/2021 21:12

Stick to your guns, it's your choice. My aunt did the same and remained Mrs until her death some forty years after her divorce.

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/04/2021 21:21

Names are not on loan from a man. Your XH had no right to 'insist' on what his ex did or didn't call herself; if she chose to take it, it then became hers as much as it was his. I wouldn't change mine on any pretext, and didn't, when I married. That wasn't a decision I discussed with anyone at the time, simply because it wasn't up for discussion and affected no one other than me.

As to titles, I'd possibly feel differently if in the UK all adult women reverted to 'Mrs' on maturity, as with 'Frau' and 'Madame' in Germany and France. The strange insistence on truncating the same word in different ways according to your sexual status is baffling to me. I insist on 'Ms'.

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Alwaysandforeverhere · 08/04/2021 21:37

I’d never change my name back. It’s my children’s and mine now family name. When he wanted me to change my name he gave up his “ownership” of said surname.

If we split abs he remarried his new wife could suck it up frankly. My children’s surname is my surname. They could always change their name to hers? Or let you change the children’s if it’s a big deal.

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RandomMess · 08/04/2021 21:42

I stayed as Mrs Ex-H name until I remarried many years later 🤷🏽‍♀️

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