Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

AIBU?

To not change my name

104 replies

FourDecades · 08/04/2021 08:01

XH and l have been divorced nearly 3 years. Him and OW are now getting married.

I kept my married name as l wanted to be the same as my DC and l really couldn't be doing with the hassle of changing everything.

However a friend has questioned my decision and is now making me have doubts that l should stay as Mrs XX.

I am not bothered at all about him re-marrying but it does feel a bit....odd... that the OW will now also be Mrs XX.

I don't want to revert back to my maiden name as l don't like it and it feels a lifetime ago that l was that name. I can't double barrel as my married surname is already a DB.

I was feeling fine until my friend told me l was "wrong" to keep it. Now l feel really unsettled about it all.

My DC are boy's and so unlikely to change their own surname as they age.

Just wondering if anyone else was in this situation and how they felt about their XH new wife having the same name as them and if it caused any issues.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm now feeling so unsettled about it... and equally what makes me so reluctant to change my surname.

OP posts:

Thanks

Share

Report

TastefulLiving · 08/04/2021 11:40

I am still married but I use my maiden name and my married name at will pretty much.

DH;s first wife changed her name back, but to her second husband's name as that was the name of her Dcs (DH was her 3rd husband). Secretly i was pleased because his surname is quite unusual.

I like that as a woman changing your name is a par for course throughout centuries. I think it gives us more freedom and flexibility inside our minds, if you know what I mean (admittedly I am not explaining it well). But recebtly a BBC male journalist changed his name and wrote a book about how it changed his identity. I thought 'yawn' women have been doing it forever. So i used to use my maiden name for my first career, and my married name for my second. I use my maternal grandmother's name as a nom de plume for my (published) writing. I like the anarchistic nature of it all!

Thanks

TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 11:49

So much easier to just keep the name you’re given (or any other you choose once you reach adulthood) than perpetuating that women change their names and men don’t even consider it.

If you want a shared family name there are other ways to achieve it.

#SmashThePatriarchy

Thanks

TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 11:50

I like that as a woman changing your name is a par for course throughout centuries. I think it gives us more freedom and flexibility inside our minds, if you know what I mean (admittedly I am not explaining it well)

It is precisely the opposite. It literally stems from women being owned by men. Marital rape being legal. Daughters being sold by their fathers. It’s utterly hideous.

Thanks

TastefulLiving · 08/04/2021 11:52

Maybe historically, but now we can choose. And I enjoy putting on personas and taking them off again according to my will and or the situaition. I like using it to suit me and how I feet at the time.

Like I said, i use 3 names. And I get some joy out of 'other names known by' in visa applications.

Thanks

TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 11:58

I keep threatening to change mine to my Starbucks name.

It’s absolutely fine to see it as a choice. But it isn’t a real choice until it’s one men make as often as women. Right now the majority of men probably never even consider it, whilst women who don’t are often met with looks of surprise when they don’t respond when their husband’s name is used. (Yes, it happens a lot.)

Like I said, it’s 2021, not 1950.

Thanks

AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2021 12:01

@FourDecades

Many thanks everyone.

I think it also stems from when we first split and XH told me that the OW wants to be "like a mother to them".. meaning the DC
.. and apparently already "thinks like a mother and acts like one". We'd been separated 4 months ...

Maybe that's some of the reason l don't want her to have the same name as them ...and me different

Bloody hell, I can see why you'd want to keep it. It's your children's name, your friend is an idiot for not totally getting why you want to have the same surname as your children

Thanks

TastefulLiving · 08/04/2021 12:02

@TomHardyAndMe

I keep threatening to change mine to my Starbucks name.

It’s absolutely fine to see it as a choice. But it isn’t a real choice until it’s one men make as often as women. Right now the majority of men probably never even consider it, whilst women who don’t are often met with looks of surprise when they don’t respond when their husband’s name is used. (Yes, it happens a lot.)

Like I said, it’s 2021, not 1950.

Agree - but I think men are more hidebound by their family names because as you have pointed out it literally never occurs to them they might be asked to change their names. I feel sorry for the narrow mindnedness! That's why i think women are more flexible, more adaptable and more open.

I think ultimately any person should go through life with the names they want to go through life as. I expect I will change my first name at some point (I have never liked it).

Thanks

AryaStarkWolf · 08/04/2021 12:03

@Theunamedcat

I kept the name after divorce why shouldn't I? its my name my kids name im not the fucking nanny im there mother ex did suggest I change it i said sure im assuming you will have no objection to the kids changing too? Turns out he objected strongly 🤷‍♀️ so im keeping it

Great answer, good on you.

Thanks

SoupDragon · 08/04/2021 12:04

I didn't change mine back as I prefer it.

If it irritates the ex-OW that would be an added bonus but I've no idea if it does (or anyhing else)

Thanks

RuthW · 08/04/2021 12:05

I kept my married name. It's fine

Thanks

anon12345678901 · 08/04/2021 12:08

I've kept mine, if he wanted me to change it, he'd have to let me change our child's 😂 If his fiancée asked me to change it, it would a no from me, it's my name now.

Thanks

funnylittlefloozie · 08/04/2021 12:08

I am in the process of getting divorced, and won't be changing my surname. Its been my name for 24 years, its the same as my DDs, and tbh its quite a common name so its hardly an automatic mental link to the exH.

I like the anonymity of it too. My surname before I was married was extremely unique, we were the only family of that name in the UK. I like not being findable!

Thanks

LostInTime · 08/04/2021 12:22

My great grandmother kept her own name on marriage (didn't like her husband's name), and when one of their daughters married, she had two entries in the register- one under each parents' name. This was in the 19th century, so women definitely kept their own names if they wished to.

Thanks

FourDecades · 08/04/2021 12:32

Many thanks everyone.

I strongly suspect OW will go by her married name as she was the one who wanted to get married and proposed to him.

I'm not completely sure why my friend feels this way. She changed hers and her DC to her maiden name after divorcing. I think she just feels that it's odd that l haven't done it.

It does feel a bit strange that we'll have the same surname.

OP posts:

Thanks

TheWaif · 08/04/2021 12:35

I changed mine and DDs name (hers double barreled) the second we split up.

Thanks

harriethoyle · 08/04/2021 12:39

Agree with PP - keep your surname but use the title accurate to your marital status, which technically is Ms. So you have the same name as your children, but the differentiation from new wife that you want.

Thanks

harriethoyle · 08/04/2021 12:41

Also sounds your friend is really projecting...

Thanks

caramac04 · 08/04/2021 12:41

I didn’t change mine. Even when I remarried and my DC were adults. I’d never have changed my maiden name but I first married in the 80’s aged 20 so did what I thought every woman did.

Thanks

LucilleTheVampireBat · 08/04/2021 12:43

Imagine if women just kept their names their whole lives, regardless of their attachment to a man or otherwise, and then none of this would be an issue. Just like it isn't for men.

Thanks

LucilleTheVampireBat · 08/04/2021 12:45

keep your surname but use the title accurate to your marital status, which technically is Ms

First of all, you're wrong. Ms is just the equivalent of Mr. It has absolutely nothing to do with being divorced.

Secondly, why do women need to use titles that are accurate to their marital status? Do you tell men to use titles that are accurate to their marital status?

Thanks

whiteroseredrose · 08/04/2021 12:46

Keep the same name as your DSs. A friend married twice more after having her DD but still kept her first husband and DD's name.

Thanks

TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 12:46

Amen to both points, @LucilleTheVampireBat. 🙌🏼

Thanks

Ethelswith · 08/04/2021 12:48

It's your name now, so keep it if you want to.

I know someone who kept her (first) married name, to match her DC, and continued with it even when she remarried.

Do what suits you - you're not going to please everyone, so you may as well please yourself

Thanks

LucilleTheVampireBat · 08/04/2021 12:49

Sometimes I can't believe that we are here in the year 2021 and women are being told that they must use a title that tells strangers if they are attached to a man or not. I mean, just, why??? For what purpose?

Thanks

CuntyMcBollocks · 08/04/2021 12:50

Why is your friend so obsessed with your name? You do whatever YOU want. Everyone else should keep their noses out.

Thanks

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.