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To not change my name

104 replies

FourDecades · 08/04/2021 08:01

XH and l have been divorced nearly 3 years. Him and OW are now getting married.

I kept my married name as l wanted to be the same as my DC and l really couldn't be doing with the hassle of changing everything.

However a friend has questioned my decision and is now making me have doubts that l should stay as Mrs XX.

I am not bothered at all about him re-marrying but it does feel a bit....odd... that the OW will now also be Mrs XX.

I don't want to revert back to my maiden name as l don't like it and it feels a lifetime ago that l was that name. I can't double barrel as my married surname is already a DB.

I was feeling fine until my friend told me l was "wrong" to keep it. Now l feel really unsettled about it all.

My DC are boy's and so unlikely to change their own surname as they age.

Just wondering if anyone else was in this situation and how they felt about their XH new wife having the same name as them and if it caused any issues.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm now feeling so unsettled about it... and equally what makes me so reluctant to change my surname.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 08/04/2021 08:04

I think it might be that, people will assume she's their mum and not me if l change my name.

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 08/04/2021 08:06

It’s not your XH’s name, it’s your name now. Keep your name if you want, change your name if you want. It’s you choice and whatever your last name is will be your name.

emilyfrost · 08/04/2021 08:10

It’s your name, keep it. So what if it causes issues? Although I’m not sure what issues it could cause Confused

Daydrambeliever · 08/04/2021 08:13

It is absolutely your name now. There is no legal or moral compulsion for you to change it. Maybe his new wife will keep her current name? Have you had a discussion with them about this and detailed your reasons for keeping the name? It could be that they are not bothered in the slightest. Sometimes well meaning friends stir up trouble that doesn't exist.

Sleepingdogs12 · 08/04/2021 08:15

I think it is strange calling yourself Mrs still if you are no longer married , but we have a problem in that we don't have another title for a adult female other than adopting Ms. I think Ms is fine but lots dont like it.

CakesOfVersailles · 08/04/2021 08:16

It's fine. It's your name now.

I would personally probably change to Ms. but you don't have to if you don't want to.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2021 08:18

It’s your name and I wouldn’t have a different one from the children. I wouldn’t use Mrs though if not married.

jobsagudden · 08/04/2021 08:21

dmil kept her married name after divorcing dfil, they are both remarried. She kept her name so it would be the same as DH and DSIL, I would do the same, absolutely nothing wrong with it. Just ignore your friend and do what feels right to you. People will get over it.

jobsagudden · 08/04/2021 08:22

P.s if there is an issue from exh suggest he takes her last name?

ChazP · 08/04/2021 08:23

No-one bats an eyelid about Tina Turner keeping her married name. My aunt is still Mrs X after getting divorced 30 years ago. Your friend is being unreasonable. Use whatever name you are most comfortable with and if that’s the same surname as your kids, then that’s as good a reason as any.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 08/04/2021 08:24

It is the same as your children's surname so keep it.

underneaththeash · 08/04/2021 08:25

If you want to keep the name then do. Otherwise could you un-double barrell the name?
So if you're currently Mrs Patel-Smith, change it to Mrs Smith - then at least you'll have a similar name to the kids.

stalachtiteorstalagmite · 08/04/2021 08:25

YANBU but I agree it might be better to use Ms instead of Mrs.

dontdisturbmenow · 08/04/2021 08:26

The reality is that it suits because you don't like your maiden name. If it was the other way around, you probably would have.

I personally find it odd but in the end, if you're happy with it, and your ex and wife to be don't care, what's the issue.

FourDecades · 08/04/2021 08:27

Many thanks everyone.

I think it also stems from when we first split and XH told me that the OW wants to be "like a mother to them".. meaning the DC
.. and apparently already "thinks like a mother and acts like one". We'd been separated 4 months ...

Maybe that's some of the reason l don't want her to have the same name as them ...and me different

OP posts:
PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears · 08/04/2021 08:30

I decided to revert back to my maiden name but almost everyone I know kept their married name, like you say, to be the same as the children. No problem with it at all. Ignore her.

Sally872 · 08/04/2021 08:30

Keep your name. I would not change my name in the same circumstances. I would want our family name same as my children. Many people I know keep their married name. And if at any point you change your mind and don't want the name that is also fine. It is completely your choice.

TomHardyAndMe · 08/04/2021 08:30


I think it is strange calling yourself Mrs still if you are no longer married , but we have a problem in that we don't have another title for a adult female other than adopting Ms. I think Ms is fine but lots dont like it.

I use Miss (if Ms not available) and I’ve been married nearly 20 years. Nobody’s business what my marital status is, thanks. They don’t give a toss about men’s. Hmm

OP, it’s YOUR name. Keep it, change it, it’s up to you. Don’t perpetuate the myth that only men own their own names.
Sally872 · 08/04/2021 08:31

"Like a mother" is a very insensitive comment after 4 months. He prob means she does most of the running around for the kids, sounds like a selfish man you are better of without.

DustCentral · 08/04/2021 08:32

It’s your name now so you don’t have to change it. I certainly wouldn’t and especially not when it’s my DC’s name. The OW can make her own choice about her name but she has no say in yours. Equally ignore your so called friend with the weird attitude.

someoneiou · 08/04/2021 08:39

I was on the opposite side (although not an OW, just a new girlfriend post-divorce). I'd always felt a bit "off" by ExW still using Mrs MyHusband, when it was MY name now. It's so immature, but it annoyed me for a long time.

ExW ended up remarrying and changing her surname to Mrs NewHusbandSurname so it doesn't really matter.

But I understand it's a huge faff to change names so just keep it. My mother kept her married name when she divorced my dad, and that was largely down to professional reasons as she's made a good name for herself/had a good reputation by name. She remarried but still kept her previous married name in business.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2021 08:44

It’s your name and this friend needs to be told it’s nothing to do with her. Why’s she butting in?

I have the same last name as my husband, his ex wife, his mother, his SIL, his kids, our kid, and millions of other people around the world as it’s quite a common name.

FourDecades · 08/04/2021 08:44

Many thanks everyone.

XH insisted his first wife changed her surname when they divorced, but it wasn't even discussed when we split. I think he knew l wouldn't due to the DC.

OP posts:
user1636853246842157 · 08/04/2021 08:44

Does your friend realise she's telling you that men have permanent names and women only lease theirs temporarily to denote male ownership?

That's the core of her objection to you keeping your name - that it sends mixed messages about which man you belong to, because you only had it on lease while you belonged to him.

Pretty disgusting mindset.

MakeItRain · 08/04/2021 08:49

I kept my married name to be the same as my children. I kept the "Mrs" too, even though I was very happy to be divorced. I think my ex expected me to revert back to my maiden name. I don't see it as "his" or "mine". It's just a name and it's much easier to have the same name as your children when travelling with them for example. Occasionally I think I might change it back when my children are adults, but I never felt hugely attached to my maiden name either really.
I would just keep your name and tell your friend it's easier. Not that it's any of her business.

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