To not change my name

[FourDecades]

XH and l have been divorced nearly 3 years. Him and OW are now getting married.

I kept my married name as l wanted to be the same as my DC and l really couldn't be doing with the hassle of changing everything.

However a friend has questioned my decision and is now making me have doubts that l should stay as Mrs XX.

I am not bothered at all about him re-marrying but it does feel a bit....odd... that the OW will now also be Mrs XX.

I don't want to revert back to my maiden name as l don't like it and it feels a lifetime ago that l was that name. I can't double barrel as my married surname is already a DB.

I was feeling fine until my friend told me l was "wrong" to keep it. Now l feel really unsettled about it all.

My DC are boy's and so unlikely to change their own surname as they age.

Just wondering if anyone else was in this situation and how they felt about their XH new wife having the same name as them and if it caused any issues.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm now feeling so unsettled about it... and equally what makes me so reluctant to change my surname.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@FourDecades

I'm glad you've decided to keep it. Having children with the same surname would mean I wouldn't change it, unless they were happy to (& he agreed to it) but with a child with SEN who would struggle with it, then I'd keep it. If she didn't like it, he could change his to hers. Not My Problem. These things happen when you're the OW 🤷🏻‍♀️

She's game too. Third time lucky? Creating a vacancy! etc etc.

[RickiTarr]

Glad you decided to ignore her OP.

[WisnaeMe]

Your friend sounds like a cheeky cow, do what suits you and your kids OP 🌸

[FourDecades]

My DC are teenagers. The eldest has ASD and doesn't take change well.

It's now official as her name has been changed on FB.... does feel odd seeing it in B&W.... just wish my friend hadn't put the niggles in my head!

However, fact remains that l will be keeping my name as it is. I own it, l most definitely am over my XH and my wedding ring came off the day he left.

In another month's time I'm sure this won't even be niggling me anymore.

Fantastic bunch of vipers

[RandomMess]

I stayed as Mrs Ex-H name until I remarried many years later 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Alwaysandforeverhere]

I’d never change my name back. It’s my children’s and mine now family name. When he wanted me to change my name he gave up his “ownership” of said surname.

If we split abs he remarried his new wife could suck it up frankly. My children’s surname is my surname. They could always change their name to hers? Or let you change the children’s if it’s a big deal.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

Names are not on loan from a man. Your XH had no right to 'insist' on what his ex did or didn't call herself; if she chose to take it, it then became hers as much as it was his. I wouldn't change mine on any pretext, and didn't, when I married. That wasn't a decision I discussed with anyone at the time, simply because it wasn't up for discussion and affected no one other than me.

As to titles, I'd possibly feel differently if in the UK all adult women reverted to 'Mrs' on maturity, as with 'Frau' and 'Madame' in Germany and France. The strange insistence on truncating the same word in different ways according to your sexual status is baffling to me. I insist on 'Ms'.

[peak2021]

Stick to your guns, it's your choice. My aunt did the same and remained Mrs until her death some forty years after her divorce.

[TownTalkJewels]

This is a tough one OP! How old are your kids? If they are little I could see why you’d want to share a name, if they are teens it’s perhaps less relevant. Could you choose one of his double barrels, and your maiden name as well? Create your own DB!

My partner is divorced and if his ex had his name, I might think she was not over the marriage, a bit like if she was still wearing her wedding ring ... as it happens she didn’t ever change her name, which turned out to be a good call!

I understand not wanting to share a name with the new wife though. My brother’s wife is a very difficult character in our family, and it really bothers me that I now share a (very unique) name with her! Different situation, but names can be very emotive!

[WisnaeMe]

It's not difficult... many people keep their own names. 🌸

[crosstalk]

Never changed my name since first marriage 50 years ago. It's helped a lot especially professionally.

Perhaps for those who want to change to their husband's the Spanish way is the best to go? The two become Xname Yname as are their children. If they get divorced IMHO the children keep the double name but the divorced couple can change as liked.

[WisnaeMe]

@FireflyRainbow

I've told my partner if we get married I'm not changing my name.

you don't have too...

just double barrel your kids names if you prefer 🌸

[FireflyRainbow]

I've told my partner if we get married I'm not changing my name.

[FireflyRainbow]

I wouldn't want to keep the same name as my ex. My kids are double barrelled me and him so they still have my name though. My mum still has my step dads surname, and they separated about 15 years ago. Your choice OP.

[WisnaeMe]

@anxietyanonymous

I had this dilemma. But my kids wanted me to keep it.

And then one day i woke up and thought fuck it its my name and has been for ten years so am going to own it!

At some point surely it just becomes
Your name and not his!

I also think it probably annoys him that i have the same name as his new wife and i think he expected me to 'give it back' so that js a bonus ha.

Good on you 🌸

and it IS your name ☺️

[anxietyanonymous]

I had this dilemma. But my kids wanted me to keep it.

And then one day i woke up and thought fuck it its my name and has been for ten years so am going to own it!

At some point surely it just becomes
Your name and not his!

I also think it probably annoys him that i have the same name as his new wife and i think he expected me to 'give it back' so that js a bonus ha.

[FourDecades]

Many thanks again. It has been really interesting and thought provoking reading the responses.

They won't have their own DC.

I also don't identify as a "Miss" ... nor Ms really. I've written, been called and called myself Mrs FourDecades for two decades now that it would feel strange to be something else

[RickiTarr]

Post-internet, I mean.

[RickiTarr]

@funnylittlefloozie

I am in the process of getting divorced, and won't be changing my surname. Its been my name for 24 years, its the same as my DDs, and tbh its quite a common name so its hardly an automatic mental link to the exH.

I like the anonymity of it too. My surname before I was married was extremely unique, we were the only family of that name in the UK. I like not being findable!

Yes, the nature & experience of having an unusual name is very different in the lost-internet world, compared to it felt growing up with an uncommon name.

[WisnaeMe]

Admittedly, I never felt the need to share a surname with the person I grew, but how is this isolating her from her kids?!

Because OP said further upthread....


I think it also stems from when we first split and XH told me that the OW wants to be "like a mother to them".. meaning the DC
.. and apparently already "thinks like a mother and acts like one". We'd been separated 4 months

Maybe that's some of the reason l don't want her to have the same name as them ...and me different

so I mean in terms of being OP feeling 'different' would feel a sense of isolation..,

not a physical one 🌸

[MrsExpo]

Definitely keep the name. It's your name now and is the same as your kids. The new wife is not, and never will be, the mother of your children.

Also, if ExDH and new wife have kids of their own, the half siblings will all have the same name.

XH insisted his first wife changed her surname when they divorced, but it wasn't even discussed when we split. I think he knew l wouldn't due to the DC.

He's a charmer isn't he? I hope she didn't do it!!!

[YoniAndGuy]

It’s your family name now. If your Ex doesn’t like it, you could suggest that he takes his turn at surname changing to accommodate changing family set ups, just like you did? Also remember to remind everyone who comments that it’s not actually your ex’s surname anyway, it’s just his father’s. 😉

[caringcarer]

When I divorced Exh only change I made was becoming Ms and I had to have bank cards changed just for that small change. When I remarried I used new husband's name. Do as you want. Your ex cannot stop you.

[Scarlettpixie]

I am separated and won’t be changing my name back to my maiden on divorce. It has been my name for over 20 years and feels very much mine. My son shares the same name.

I am currently using Mrs and might carry on after we divorce. I haven’t decided but I don’t really like Ms and Miss sounds like I have never married. I don’t feel like either.

My best friend kept her married name from years ago even though they never had kids and were only married for a couple of years. I think she prefers it to her maiden name and couldn’t be bothered with the faff of changing it. I think she goes by Miss.

I am STBXHs 2nd wife and his 1st wife still uses Mrs XH name. If he gets around to marrying OW there will be 3 of us!

[Blackbird99]

I didn't change my name after getting divorced for exactly the same reasons as you OP. It was my name. My XH did not like this and nor did his new wife but it was nothing to do with them and I still kept it as it was just easier that way. I have changed it back to my maiden name now though as DC's are older and actually I don't want anything to do with my bully controlling XH.
Maybe you could consider a completely new name if you don't like your maiden name, but ultimately you are not "wrong" to keep your married name if that's what you want to do. However you seem very easily unsettled so may be deep down it doesn't sit right with you not to change it.