To not change my name

[FourDecades]

XH and l have been divorced nearly 3 years. Him and OW are now getting married.

I kept my married name as l wanted to be the same as my DC and l really couldn't be doing with the hassle of changing everything.

However a friend has questioned my decision and is now making me have doubts that l should stay as Mrs XX.

I am not bothered at all about him re-marrying but it does feel a bit....odd... that the OW will now also be Mrs XX.

I don't want to revert back to my maiden name as l don't like it and it feels a lifetime ago that l was that name. I can't double barrel as my married surname is already a DB.

I was feeling fine until my friend told me l was "wrong" to keep it. Now l feel really unsettled about it all.

My DC are boy's and so unlikely to change their own surname as they age.

Just wondering if anyone else was in this situation and how they felt about their XH new wife having the same name as them and if it caused any issues.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm now feeling so unsettled about it... and equally what makes me so reluctant to change my surname.

[MojoJojo71]

Keep it, it’s your name and your choice.

My XH remarried someone with the same first name as me so we had the same forename and surname but I still kept it. Like you it’s my son’s name and I just liked it better than my birth name.

[Backtoschool101]

Keep it but maybe use Ms. Instead

[BikeRunSki]

@ChazP

No-one bats an eyelid about Tina Turner keeping her married name. My aunt is still Mrs X after getting divorced 30 years ago. Your friend is being unreasonable. Use whatever name you are most comfortable with and if that’s the same surname as your kids, then that’s as good a reason as any.

I don’t know how much this lies in truth, but the film “I, Tina”, in the court scene where the judge is discussing the divorce settlement between Tina and Ike, she says “All I want from him is my name”.

But you know op, I changed my mane several years after getting married when I was pregnant, so we’d all have the same surname*. I’d keep my married name if we separated, even if dh remarried.


It made sense that way, but dh would have taken mine. He has a nice simple English name and lots of nieces. I have an Irish surname, frequently mispelt in England, and lots of nephews.

[KoalaOok]

@FourDecades

Many thanks everyone.

I think it also stems from when we first split and XH told me that the OW wants to be "like a mother to them".. meaning the DC
.. and apparently already "thinks like a mother and acts like one". We'd been separated 4 months ...

Maybe that's some of the reason l don't want her to have the same name as them ...and me different

It's your name now. Unfortunately you can't stop her changing her name but I can see why this stings. Your children will know who their mother is xx

[PriestessofPing]

So he’s about to be on his third marriage, and with an OW? I wouldn’t worry too much about having the same last name with her in that case, chances are it won’t be for too long in the grand scheme of things.

On a serious note- What reason did your friend give for it to be wrong? Seems like a weird reaction, lots of people keep their married name, especially if it means they keep the same surname as their kids. I’d be questioning why your friend was being so weird - are they normally quite judgmental?

[KoalaOok]

But yes I'd personally stop calling myself "Mrs" and opt for Ms.

[KoalaOok]

I am a 2nd wife and I kept my own name as it felt odd taking the same name as my husband's children when his ex-wife had changed hers. She might want to keep her own name.

[Theunamedcat]

I kept the name after divorce why shouldn't I? its my name my kids name im not the fucking nanny im there mother ex did suggest I change it i said sure im assuming you will have no objection to the kids changing too? Turns out he objected strongly 🤷‍♀️ so im keeping it

[Overdueanamechange]

I would feel exactly the same as @Theunamedcat

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Tell your friend to work on her misogyny.

Keep it if you want to. It's as much yours as his.

To the few posters that said you should switch to Ms.....no! Again only if you want to. Why should you have to declare marital status? It's no one's business.

[Feetupteashot]

Keep the surname
Buy a scrap of Scottish land and declare yourself Lady Fourdecades

[Mumoblue]

If you want to keep it then keep it!
Personally I’m not bothered by names too much. My ex and I never married and my son has his last name, and half of my siblings have different surnames to me too.

[EarringsandLipstick]

@MaskingForIt

It’s not your XH’s name, it’s your name now. Keep your name if you want, change your name if you want. It’s you choice and whatever your last name is will be your name.

Absolutely this.

I've kept my exH name. He's abusive & awful but I don't even think about him in connection with this.

It's the name I've used for a long time, especially once I had children. I actually kept my maiden name when I married, and used it professionally. When I had my first child, I used my married name in the hospital, and once the baby was registered by the hospital, it went into 'the system' & my pay / tax details began to have my married name on it. I didn't care too much & so carried on using it.

Now, it's how I am known professionally & I wouldn't consider changing it.

It's entirely your choice.

[RachelRavenRoth]

Well, you're ex is a wanker, but you already know that.

It is your name. Do as you please.

My friend went back to her birth surname unofficially (on facebook) and when her wanker ex got remarried she changed it back to his just to piss him off. As her friend i cheered her on. Your friend also sounds like a wanker.

[RachelRavenRoth]

I don't know what happened to the first your then.

[FeedMeSantiago]

@user1636853246842157

Does your friend realise she's telling you that men have permanent names and women only lease theirs temporarily to denote male ownership?

That's the core of her objection to you keeping your name - that it sends mixed messages about which man you belong to, because you only had it on lease while you belonged to him.

Pretty disgusting mindset.

This!

Most divorced women I know didn't go back to their birth name, especially where they had children. My father separated from his first wife in the 70s and she didn't change her name back.

Several of my friends' mothers didn't change their names back either.

It is my belief that a woman's name is her name as much as a man's name is her name. No-one ever tells a man that his name is 'just his father's name' like they do with women (before marriage).

If a woman chooses to change her surname on marriage then that name becomes hers just as much as her birth name was hers, or any random surname she may choose to change her name to is hers.

[dramalamma]

Ignore you friend - you are Mrs X and the OW has the choice whether to change her name to her new husband's or to keep her current name - why should you have to change? If she doesn't want the same name as you (and why would you care what she thinks! ) then she doesn't change her name on marriage. You can call yourself Mrs Regina bananahammock bing if that's what you want! Nothing to do with anyone else.

[TastefulLiving]

@MaskingForIt

It’s not your XH’s name, it’s your name now. Keep your name if you want, change your name if you want. It’s you choice and whatever your last name is will be your name.

I agree with this. It;s not wierd and it is your name. Any name is yours if you choose.

[Goleor]

Over 20 years on from my parents splitting and my mother is still mrs xx. She wanted to keep the name so she would have the same surname as us. Nobody bats an eye lid and she says that once we grew up she would have felt strange reverting back to her maiden name.

[sashh]

I think it is strange calling yourself Mrs still if you are no longer married , but we have a problem in that we don't have another title for a adult female other than adopting Ms. I think Ms is fine but lots dont like it.

If you are strictly sticking to etiquette the OP is now, Mrs her first name her(and ex husband's surname) the OW is about to become Mrs His first name, his surname.

OP

Do what you like, it's your name to keep or change as you wish.

[StoneColdBitch]

Your ex and his new wife may not care. I'm a second wife. My husband's ex kept his surname because they have children together. I mostly still use my maiden name, because I met DH when I was well-established in my career so decided to keep "my" name for work. I don't care in the slightest that my husband's ex is Mrs DH and I'm, mostly, not. It doesn't change the fact that he's married to me.

I wouldn't pay any attention to what your friend said. It's your name now and it's up to you what you do with it.

[ThatOtherPoster]

I kept my married name for 10 years after the divorce, until my DC were both teenagers. In fact I posted here just a few weeks ago about changing it!

I think my keeping the old surname annoyed my ex’s new wife, but she’s a nasty person so that was just another good reason to keep it. 😆

Keep it. You’ll know when the right time is to change it, which might be in a few years or never.

Your friend is wrong. Lots of people keep their first married name.

[TomHardyAndMe]

@sashh

I think it is strange calling yourself Mrs still if you are no longer married , but we have a problem in that we don't have another title for a adult female other than adopting Ms. I think Ms is fine but lots dont like it.

If you are strictly sticking to etiquette the OP is now, Mrs her first name her(and ex husband's surname) the OW is about to become Mrs His first name, his surname.

OP

Do what you like, it's your name to keep or change as you wish.

Only in the 1950s.

I strongly object to any assumption that my husband and I share a surname (we never have), but if anyone suggests I should ever be referred to by his first name my anger would be nuclear.

The roots of this are women as property, not people in their own right. It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing?

[riverrunner]

The whole patriarchal expectation that women's surnames are expendable and sloughed on and off depending on whether and who they're married to, is a reactionary leftover from the 'women as chattels' era.

It's your surname now. Keep it if you want to. No one else gets a say.

[LeSquigh]

I’ve kept my married name because I both hate my maiden name and like my married name. I also have a child with that name so I won’t be changing it. I am Miss rather than Mrs though. Yes, Miss, not Ms.