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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing my mind on postnatal ward

369 replies

newmum0604 · 08/04/2021 02:45

Had my first baby Tuesday evening, over the moon, she is perfect but I'm scared for my mental health right now. I have slept a total of 1.5 hours since Sunday night.

They won't 'let' me leave til they see her feeding well, without someone helping me. I understand where they are coming from but I'm finding it pretty fucking impossible to establish breastfeeding in this environment. I want to be at home, in my own bed, quiet and relaxed.

The issue is she seems to latch on OK but won't keep going for more than a few seconds, stop start like this for maybe 10/15 minutes every 4ish hours. She is sleeping a lot, I could be sleeping too if it weren't for the background noise. But this means I can't think straight about the situation. Every time I started to feed in the first 24 hours someone would appear and take over, so even though she seems content they won't class it as me having actually done anything/being capable. Have expressed into syringes a couple of times, not going to let her starve ffs.

AIBU to switch to formula purely so I can leave in the morning before I completely go over the edge? I know that sounds incredibly dramatic but I genuinely feel on the edge

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 08/04/2021 16:16

@BaaHumbugg the op is having a hard time is it helpful to say “wow I’m so glad I had my baby somewhere soooooo much better! Phew lucky me not stuck like you!”

Luhou · 08/04/2021 16:16

Hi,

I had simillar issue with my daughter (now 5months)

She wouldn't latch. Make sure you get them to check for a tounge tie. I compromised and started expressing milk, feeding team made me a feeding plan (i topped up with formula) and then let me go home.

My daughter and I never managed to establish bf but I did express for 6 weeks (all I could hack, all the newborn duties plus expressing for 20mins 8x in 24hrs is exhausting!)

Maybe suggest you switch to formula but try expressing milk? Feeding team also suggested donor milk, this wasn't for me personally but may be an option for you.

Also when your milk comes through you will likely have more success!

Best of luck, its a tough time. Congratulations!

Thisgirlcando · 08/04/2021 16:19

Hope you are at home, with a full and content baby and about to have a snooze alongside them while DH makes your favourite tea!

megaann · 08/04/2021 16:22

I remember with my dd, (first child) I was being induced and I had to share a room with another lady who had a scheduled c section the week later. She was only in for monitoring and she begged them to let her send her home, as she had work to do etc but they said they couldn't as she had bleeding they need to make sure she was fine for 24 hours.

I'm pretty sure I have put her off ever having a vbac if she ever had another baby lol. I was trying so hard to keep my pain to myself. But when contractions are at a 10/10 and I'm not even 4cm yet. I couldn't hold it in. I tried going into the bathroom for a bath... well, let's just say everything ended up flooded. Poor woman kept telling me it's not my fault but I think it was bang out of order for them to let her stay overnight with me labouring from 1cm-5cm

hedgehogger1 · 08/04/2021 16:23

Buy some lansinoh. Was amazing stuff when I was struggling with the pain

hedgehogger1 · 08/04/2021 16:26

I also hated the post natal bit. So much worse than anything labour through at me. I was discharged straight from the delivery room with my second. Refused to stay overnight

FreakOutFarOut · 08/04/2021 16:46

It is traumatic to remember my few days on a post natal ward 2 years ago. The way they are designed and the treatment I received felt inhumane - are women just considered sub-human?

I honestly feel like I cannot have another baby in large part to that experience. I hope OP has followed advice and I wish I had the confidence at the time to say I am going home now.

Norwaydidnthappen · 08/04/2021 17:00

I discharged myself after my third child for this reason, you are free and able to do this.

PerspicaciousGreen · 08/04/2021 17:04

To anyone who had a traumatic time on a postnatal ward and it's affecting their decision to have another child: I had specialist birth trauma counselling while pregnant with my second. (You don't have to be pregnant to have it!) And I found it so helpful to process what happened after my first birth, pick through it and have it affirmed to me that I wasn't just making a fuss, and put together a care plan for my second birth.

My second birth was totally different thanks to that counselling and care plan, and I am so pleased that I did it and have my DD. I found her birth and newborn days to be a very healing and empowering experience. I'm now pregnant with #3!

If you're thinking about conceiving again, look into birth trauma counselling before totally writing it off.

birdglasspen · 08/04/2021 17:32

get off this and try and sleep! It's hell, I know! But do try whenever you aren't needed by baby! Every little helps! BF will be easier once you are home and relaxed! You have midwife visits if problems arise when home and there is loads of BF support out there!

Makingnumber2 · 08/04/2021 19:03

@Heyha yes it really played on my mind all morning too.
I hope lots of posters on the thread will consider emailing Truss and Hancock too or even just tweeting them the link to this thread!

@PerspicaciousGreen thanks for this info- I didn't realise this. Think it's time perhaps they resurrected the campaign as sadly it clearly didn't have the impact on the ground that it needed to. That is absolutely horrifying that at the time you were postnatal they deliberately put women with MH issues on ward instead of private rooms. I was under perinatal team for MH issues and one of my biggest fears was going onto the PN ward. They obviously said they couldn't guarantee a private room but would do their best to ensure I could stay in my birth centre room until discharge if it wasn't needed. We got extremely lucky as I had a straightforward birth and was discharged after 12 hours and allowed to stay in birth centre room until then. We had to return almost daily for feeding support and had to walk through part of the PN ward and every day I felt so desperately sad for the women who had to endure it and so lucky I didn't have to.

Namechange1991x · 08/04/2021 19:23

I had severe mental health issues during and after pregnancy. I told staff so many times I didn't feel right, wanted to walk away. Other mums and their partners were having to listen to me crying in distress, saying again and again how I couldn't bare to see everyone else breastfeeding as I can't, I feel like a failure, and the pumping machines...j told them I wanted to leave without my son, I was delirious. I was moved to a side room but not sure if that was due to jaundice. After 8 long days I left hosptial, overwhmed, terrified and the perinatal team had to step in and I was nearly sectioned and later diagnosed with PTSD and they did give me EMDR therapy for it.
Would I have another child again? No way.
I hate that it has turned me into a slightly bitter person whereby I get jelous of people who had good experiences and that makes me feel horror and guilty.

sunnyfields25 · 08/04/2021 19:35

I really hope you're now back home and resting OP. I completely understand the hell you've been trapped in as it's so similar to my experience 4 years ago.

Initially my baby had jaundice so there was a valid reason for us to be kept in, but once that had cleared up and he was deemed fine to go home, we still weren't allowed until I could demonstrate a successful feed. Of course the pressure of having to perform in front of an audience meant I got super stressed and it was doomed to fail from the start. I remember the sheer relief I felt when a midwife finally observed me and said I'd be able to go soon, and then the despair when I was later told that feed actually 'didn't count' because she was only a student midwife. By this point I'd had 48 hours of no sleep while being induced, plus several more nights on the hellish postnatal ward, and couldn't think straight. I just knew that if I could get home things would be so much easier.

In the end they finally released us, and I arranged for an NCT feeding specialist to visit the following day. It took her all of two minutes to spot DS's severe tongue tie, which explained the problems we were having. Despite having been assured by two paediatricians and numerous midwives in the hospital that his tongue was fine.

I'm now pregnant with DC2 and due any day, so reading this thread has been terrifying in case the same thing happens again, but at the same time I haven't been able to stop reading through utter shock and disbelief that so many other women have been through this awful experience.

Makingnumber2 · 08/04/2021 20:02

I'm so sorry @Namechange1991x you did amazingly to pull through all of that. Your DS is so lucky to have such a strong mother x

Jjjayfee · 08/04/2021 20:07

I hope the op is home now. I wish someone would copy this thread and send it to the people who decide how postnatal wards are run.

Namechange1991x · 08/04/2021 20:10

@Makingnumber2 thank you so much 💙 all their comments and snapping at me about breastfeeding etc still hurt. After TTC for 8 years and three losses, including at the same hospital an ectopic pregnancy that was missed and I had to lose my fallopian tube, I was on the brink and it pushed me over the edge (along with the grief of losing my mum as a child in the same hospital where they missed her blood clot, ironically the one the new vaccine apparently gives). I am glad I didn't end it all, but I still have days where the pain is too much and that makes me feel guilty because I have a son and it's what I always wanted and he deserves better. Thank you for your kindness 🌸🌸x

Namechange1991x · 08/04/2021 20:15

@Jjjayfee

I hope the op is home now. I wish someone would copy this thread and send it to the people who decide how postnatal wards are run.
Me too. Though I did complain and had a meeting with head of midwifery but was told they're 'busy' and mental health is 'not their area'. I expressed huge concerns that this is apparently ok and said I worry for future women, also the fact that a vulnerable mother was allowed to leave the ward alone at 11pm unquestioned. Unfortunately I think it'll take someone walking out and doing themselves harm for anything to change.
DobbyTheHouseElk · 08/04/2021 20:42

I remember a maternity hospital in Bristol a few years ago. Sadly a new mother and her baby died when she walked out of the hospital and jumped into the gorge. It was a terrible tragedy.

Namechange1991x · 08/04/2021 20:44

@DobbyTheHouseElk that's terrifying

DobbyTheHouseElk · 08/04/2021 20:49

It was awful. I think it was in winter too and she’d left in thin clothing.

I remember thinking how the postnatal ward had let her and her baby down. It was probably 8-9 years ago.

SneezyGonzalez · 08/04/2021 20:50

Discharge yourself. You need to sleep

Namechange1991x · 08/04/2021 20:51

@DobbyTheHouseElk that poor woman and baby.
If it wasn't for my husband being there, I was set to walk away, while my.baby was in NICU. I wasn't thinking straight.
It is terrifying that that tragedy could happen again to another woman.

SneezyGonzalez · 08/04/2021 20:56

Can’t believe post natal wards are still the same. It makes me so fucking angry 😡. Why the hell don’t they seem to understand that new mums need to sleep? I remember with my first, had just gone to sleep after v long labour etc etc only to be woken up and asked if I wanted a cup of tea, did I exactly look like I wanted a cup of tea?!....can’t believe this still goes on, how dare they continue to allow this mental torture of new mums....if you tell them you’re going to discharge yourself then they may move you to a private room. If not just go. Allow them to go the paperwork then go.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 08/04/2021 20:56

@Namechange1991x

I know. I was the same. I wish we could change postnatal care. I was on the edge of my sanity in there. I had zero care and they didn’t even feed me. Being veggie they didn’t have any food for me. For 5 days. Eventually my mum brought me bananas which the midwifes took away because I was constipated.

I hope the OP is safely home and snuggled up.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 08/04/2021 21:00

It's barbaric excuse for 'care'. A woman had been transferred to Edinburgh from the Borders for a difficult delivery and CS of a second child due to pre-eclampsia a few years ago. She was left without proper care and monitoring in the postnatal unit, the child in NICU. She was trying to make her way there to see her child, alone and unaccompanied, and died in of brain haemorrage alone in a disused stairwell. It was 7 hours before they realised she was missing.

I hope the OP is home resting now.