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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you say if partner made you this offer

497 replies

Thenanny23 · 07/04/2021 22:23

Put yourself in this scenario-

Childless married couple, your OH has invited a (single sex) group of friends to stay at your house to celebrate a friends birthday.

They suggest that you might want to not be in the house over the weekend as it may change the dynamic of the gathering and may be noisy/irritating for you.

They offer to book and pay for you to stay in an Air B&B in the nearest city centre for 2 nights.

Would you be offended by the suggestion?

OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 08/04/2021 09:05

I would definitely do this and I would also be the one urging my OH to go to a hotel if I wanted friends to stay tbh

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/04/2021 09:11

I don’t think I could ask my DH this. If it’s at our house, he’d be invited. It seems really rude to host something here that he can’t attend. He lives here!

But we’re also both quite lucky in that we’re well integrated into each other’s friends, and while we do go out with individual friends sometimes or have rare girls/boys nights, the majority is people together.

And when they do happen, they happen somewhere neutral, so that husbands/partners can be at home. I don’t think I could go to something that I knew was kicking someone out of their own house! I’d feel awful.

Chrispackhamspoodle · 08/04/2021 09:11

I'd have no problem with this.In fact both myself and DH have done this.And we have kids.I ask him to go to his mums and I go and stay with my friends from home.A hotel would be lovely.

PeggyHill · 08/04/2021 09:13

I would be fine with it for one night, but the whole weekend is a bit much. That would just make me feel like I wasn't welcome in my own home, or that my partner was trying to keep me away from their friends for some reason.

Also, as a guest I would feel bad about sending you away for the whole weekend. It wouldn't sit right with me at all.

MoonCatcher · 08/04/2021 09:14

An Airbnb in the nearest city? Sounds like you're putting him in a boarding kennel for the weekend.
If I was in the oh's position I'd only be willing to decamp for something more interesting or fun than that.

MrsNewms85 · 08/04/2021 09:14

@BadNomad

I have a friend who wont go anywhere or do anything without her husband. It's just weird when he tags along. So I would say someone who is not part of the friendship group does change the dynamic. Male or female. But in this scenario I would discus it with my DP before any plans were made.

"DP, love of my life, I'm thinking about inviting the girls over to celebrate Jane's birthday in June. Do you want to try arrange something with your mates so you're not sitting here like a lemon? I'll fill you in on all the gossip after."

I have a friend like this too, in the end I had to point it out to her that gatherings were a girls night so she wouldn't just show up with him. In the end she just didn't come.
dotdashdashdash · 08/04/2021 09:15

DH and I used to do this all the time pre kids. One of us would have friends over, the other would go elsewhere, either visit a friend far away or go to a hotel or spa.

I don't see the big deal.

Aprilx · 08/04/2021 09:16

If I was sure DH would ensure the house was returned to normal afterwards and I didn’t have to do anything, then I would be kind of ok with it. But an Airbnb wouldn’t cut it, I would need a couple of nights in a very nice spa hotel.

itsjustthewayitis · 08/04/2021 09:20

I think in current circumstances it's fine, if my husband wanted a group of friends round I'd disappear without being asked, I wouldn't want to be there! If he offered to pay for me to go to a b&b somewhere by myself I'd be off like a shot.. change of scene, tv to myself, take away of my choice.. what's not to love!

Ninkanink · 08/04/2021 09:27

The friends and husbands/partners some people must have to seriously worry about how they house will be treated and whether having a group of friends over without you there to supervise means sex workers, drugs and/or cheating! What low standards you must have for relationships that that’s the type of people you’re with or friends you/they have. If it’s so nasty and they’re so useless and pathetic that they can’t help but stick their dick in someone when you’re not around or trash your house and not fucking tidy it up themselves then fgs you shouldn’t be with them!

Or maybe you’re just talking nonsense...

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 08/04/2021 09:28

I have absolutely no issue with it (either way around) and I think any partner who would is a bit of a dick

Ninkanink · 08/04/2021 09:31

*their house, of course

Rewis · 08/04/2021 09:36

My best friend has shown up my flat for weekends when her husband is having friend over. She doesnt want to be there and he doesn't really want her there and we get to have fun time together.

Asking not to be home is quite normal as long as it is not demanding it. I do find the air bnb suggestion a bit odd unless it was specifically requested.

Moonwhite · 08/04/2021 09:48

My neighbour used to have all male parties once in a while, with his wife happily absconding to her sister's house. It seemed to consist of quiet for about 1-2 hours, then increasingly drunk screaming over the games console, escalating to fighting each other in the back garden, and then wives appearing to take the battered individuals home.

I used to hate it when my best friend's DH tagged along on things that were arranged to be just us, it changes the dynamic. I wouldn't expect him to leave his house though, I'd probably try to book the b'n'b for the group...

Maybe do your research and find a really nice/quirky place for him to stay at so it feels like a treat for him.

SuperintendentHastings · 08/04/2021 09:53

I only dream of this kind of thing happening. I'd be off like a bloody shot, though I'd be insisting on a small cottage somewhere lovely so I could take some mates too.

Thisgirlcando · 08/04/2021 09:54

This was the opposite way round with me and my partner! I offered it because I didn’t think he wanted to be with a cackling group of girls. He was really offended and didn’t want to go, in the end he retreated to and slept in one of his kids rooms (they were at their Mums) and made us all breakfast, nipped to the shop for treats and blew up all the beds. Although after they went he commented on how he wasn’t prepared for how loud we actually were.

The other way round my deal would be an air b’n’b for me and two friends plus a takeaway of our choice.

SuperintendentHastings · 08/04/2021 09:56

I have a 'night' every summer (in normal times, hoping I can do it this year!) when all my female friends come round. There's about 15 of us and DH always goes out for the night. He normally comes back when the pub shuts and can be found in the kitchen making cocktails for everyone for the next couple of hours after that. He doesn't mind at all.

ceilingsand · 08/04/2021 10:03

I agree that he would be best to book the Airbnb for them.

LagunaBubbles · 08/04/2021 10:05

I'd be very cautious as it sounds like there OW on the scene. The whole thing sounds odd. Why are you having to be turfed out?

Haha loving all the stereotypical replies automatically assuming the OP is talking about her partner, when its her that wants to turf him out!

Gothichouse40 · 08/04/2021 10:06

Why isn't the friend hosting this at his place? I would have preferred to have been asked outright rather than it suggested. It's your home too. If you go to Air B&B, Id be making it crystal clear that on your return, your home will be in the condition you left it. I would not be returning to clean up after them and in fact Id go nuts if the place was left in a mess. Lay ground rules before you go, cos heaven knows what you may come back to.

ladycarlotta · 08/04/2021 10:11

I'd love it. I'd take the opportunity for a nice weekend away seeing some of MY mates. It's ok for couples not to always socialise together.

JosephineBaker · 08/04/2021 10:13

I’d think it was great! I’d (in normal times) probably choose London or Edinburgh and have a lovely time by myself while they partied.

Great suggestion, OP.

Roodicus21 · 08/04/2021 10:13

I would love it, but then I'd have already made arrangements to take myself , dc and ddog off somewhere I'd dh was having a group of friends to stay (his best friends live in another country).

Having a spouse/ partner there does change the dynamics massively.

CirqueDeMorgue · 08/04/2021 10:14

@LagunaBubbles seriously, you could post the most innocuous thing ever about your male OH on here, like 'he's just gone to get some tomatoes' and SOMEONE would ask you if you're sure he's not having an affair.

Parkerwhereareyou · 08/04/2021 10:18

@PeggyHill
I would be fine with it for one night, but the whole weekend is a bit much. That would just make me feel like I wasn't welcome in my own home, or that my partner was trying to keep me away from their friends for some reason.

To be fair I think this is how I'd feel too. I'd want to be there on Friday night and Sunday night. I could leave them to it on Saturday night. That way you also get a bit of control and to know WTF is really going on. (Most likely nothing but stupid drinking/joking/shouting etc., but still.)