To think this divorce term is unfair?

[joysexreno]

My ex was financially abusive and is completely obsessed with money. He strung me along for ages, refusing to reach a financial settlement in our divorce. However, he recently decided it was advantageous to him to settle so we may almost be there.

We have reached a big sticking point. He has agreed to pay basic CMS and half of childcare costs, but wants the childcare obligation to end if my finances improve.

He explicitly refuses to have DD4 during the week because of his important job, so I do all the heavy lifting during the work week. He has her on alternating weekends.

I am afraid that if childcare is dependent on my being sufficiently poor, this would open me up to constant challenges and efforts to examine my finances. It also seems generally unfair.

Aibu?

It sounds like another way to continue to exert control, your ongoing finances are none of his business but this is a way for him to make it his business.

Please get proper legal advice on this!

Oops, something weird happened

For voting,

Yes: YABU, the term is fair
No: YANBU, the term is unfair

Could you make your agreement to his terms dependent on a signed, witnessed and notarised letter explaining exactly why he doesn't want to parent his child!? Could help you explain to her when she's older, if nothing else. 💐 for you, he sounds an arse.

No I wouldn't put up with that condition either. As you say gives him reason to still have a hold over you if he has scope to check up on your finances.

Do you work full time? If not I guess he'd see you increasing your hours as bettering your finances too!

Get a proper solicitor. Have you been to mediation yet?

@MadeOfStarStuff I do have a solicitor. She was very confused by the proposed term, I think because it's so insane.

He can want that, doesnt mean you agree to it.

Let him know that if he doesnt want to pay at some point he can increase his days in the week and come up with his own childcare during his working hours.

Up to 16 imo !!
He is a cf and you both know it.

Let your solicitor get his side to firm up what that actually means, and if it’s effectively saying that he will only cover childcare if you can’t afford to. On the face of it, it sounds like shite.

Do you have a court date?

Don’t accept that crap. He should pay half of childcare, for his child. Imagine trying to tell him that you’d only pay half of childcare as long as you could look over his finances and deem them low enough?! Yeah right.

Cheeky twat can “want” all the batshit clauses that he wants but you’re under no obligation to accept them.

To repeat others before me, this is just another way of trying to exert control... I wouldn’t accept this term from anyone, let alone a controlling, financially abusive weasel like this.

I would tell your solicitor that you want a clean break deal. Could you ask for a bigger settlement in return for him not paying any childcare (but CMS is separate and still need to be paid)

I should have mentioned that he makes £200k/year

@Slayduggee there is no way he will agree to pay a higher settlement amount.

He will pay what the court tell him to pay. See him there.

He doesn’t have to agree to shit, he will be told what he’s paying!

Do CMS deal with high earners?

Fuck it, let it go to court. Seriously.

Do not give him any more control over you.

Tell him you want a fairy dragon and to holiday on Jupiter every Summer. And when he reacts, say oh I thought we were just making up bullshit clauses.

I think you should look to go to court. Its not about what he agrees to.

[quote joysexreno]@Slayduggee there is no way he will agree to pay a higher settlement amount.[/quote]
Tell that to the judge.

@MyGorramShip

CMS is capped out at £1100/mo for someone who sees their child as much as he does. He insists that this covers all of her costs. He will never agree to pay more than the basic CMS payment, and I assume he wants to use the supplemental childcare payment as a carrot/stick to get me to do what he wants

How would he find out if you earn more? I’m not sure that he’s legally obliged to pay for childcare when your child is in your care tbh.

@Soontobe60

This is a term in a consent order. The question is whether it would be fair to me to agree it

He basically straight up says that if I marry an investment banker, he will want to stop paying for DD's childcare. So I think he would be monitoring my life for any signs of financial change

But surely you won't be telling him anything about your life, once you are divorced? How will he know if you have a new man, and whether that man is a banker or a dustman?

Tbh, I would just tell him that you'll see him in court, and not to keep pestering you with silly demands.

Oh and the CMS only really deal with earnings up to 150k. If you're dealing with salaries above that, you need to stop listening to guff about "basic CMS". At those sort of figures, nothing is basic.

I would come back with that he pays all the childcare costs.