To think this divorce term is unfair?

[joysexreno]

My ex was financially abusive and is completely obsessed with money. He strung me along for ages, refusing to reach a financial settlement in our divorce. However, he recently decided it was advantageous to him to settle so we may almost be there.

We have reached a big sticking point. He has agreed to pay basic CMS and half of childcare costs, but wants the childcare obligation to end if my finances improve.

He explicitly refuses to have DD4 during the week because of his important job, so I do all the heavy lifting during the work week. He has her on alternating weekends.

I am afraid that if childcare is dependent on my being sufficiently poor, this would open me up to constant challenges and efforts to examine my finances. It also seems generally unfair.

Aibu?

[quote joysexreno]@KatySun I admire people who have that kind of energy and spirit, but I do not. It's just too much. Other than friends I've made, I have zero support - no one to get my daughter in an emergency, no one to help if she's sick, etc.

@LittleBearPad it was a pressurised situation where we had to move before the school application deadline and he tried to withhold child maintenance and various other things. He also has parental responsibility and he has said he won't agree to change her school once we get the decision.[/quote]
I think you need to go to court and get a judge to determine what is paid.

He won’t let you move where you want to. He won’t let you pick a more convenient school despite not wanting you to live near him or do any week day childcare so frankly her school is neither here nor there (and London schools waiting lists move massively so I wouldn’t worry about getting a place sooner or later).
He’ll dangle additional childcare funding over your head until you earn an unspecified amount of money when he’ll take it away.

He’ll never be reasonable and doesn’t appear to give a monkeys about his child who would be better going to school near her home for myriad reasons.

Once you settle in an area and make school mum friends you will have more of a support network, certainly in an emergency.

You may also find you have more energy once this is all sorted.

I am ground down. I am hoping that once it's sorted I will be able to move on. I have been having periodic lengthy conversations with the ex, and he has refused to have his daughter for much time lately because he is too busy. (I don't push the issue because she hates going to his house.)

Unfortunately, I really think that if this went to court it would dissipate all the assets I would gain. I will take it to court if he plays sillybuggers with the end of this settlement process, but it's very bad for my mental health to continue this way.

(point of the above re the conversations etc is that I'm just exhausted)

YANBU tell him to fuck off

You must be worn out. Long conversations? What about? I bet they dont do your mental health any good. Can you stop these? I bet he's the type who thrives on all this. At least until everything is finalised.

How can he stop you from moving where you want? OP please get a strong solicitor to fight your corner! he cannot force you to do things like not move - he has no control over that. Fight for yourself and your daughter - it won't be easy but do stand your ground.

Did you get a fair % of the marital assets - equity, savings/investments, pension?

It sounds as if you have the potential to be a very high earner. You say that you don't want to do that but do you think he doesn't want to pay half of the childcare costs if, say, you increase your hours and end up earning £100k?

If you got a fair % of assets and CM, then anything on top of that is by no means certain if you go to court.

I wouldn't accept any curtailing of your freedom though - you can live wherever you want!

The school one is hard. If my ex tried to change dc's schools I'd have something to say about that I think.

My friend got a 60/40 split on divorce assets.
I'd check you got your share on everything, and go to court showing all the messages of about how controlling he is, as for more assets to stop him having control over you.
Judges do listen.

I too recognise you of old and I’m so sorry he’s still persisting in his bullying and controlling ways. I suppose the redeeming factor is he isn’t pressing for more access and whilst you are doing the heavy lifting of childcare your daughter must surely be so much happier. I hope in time you will be too. 💐

I can understand your desire to get things finally sorted but you can’t agree to this latest term/demand. How much control will he wield over your life and for how long? Personally I’d take him to court. He sounds as if he’s running scared if he’s finally wanting to settle.

Fuck that. Find out what you can get as maintenance if he isn't contributing to childcare - childcare will come to an end sooner than cms payments. He's trying to stitch you up in more than one way there. You need a better maintenance settlement.

My theoretical earning capacity is high, but I am alone in this country and he refuses to have our daughter during the work week. Now that the government is doing away with the au pair programme, I really don't think I can handle the stress of a demanding job plus being the full time carer of my child.

Au pair is not the only option though is it?

@HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat

Fuck that. Find out what you can get as maintenance if he isn't contributing to childcare - childcare will come to an end sooner than cms payments. He's trying to stitch you up in more than one way there. You need a better maintenance settlement.

OP is getting £1100pm maintenance.

@Atalantea

I can't work late nights on a flexible basis with a childminder. My income would have to increase very significantly to make a nanny feasible. If it's a matter of busting my ass to work a demanding job while juggling a complicated childcare schedule and maintaining my household alone, I actually don't think I am capable of this. Is there an option I'm missing?

I recognise you, also.

OP, he's made your life a misery for years. You've had so much terrific advice on your many MN threads, it's good to see you stayed out and didn't go back, despite his insane demands and abuse of you and DD.

You NEED to get better legal representation and it NEEDS to go to Court so you get the settlement you deserve.

Let a Judge see him for the bullying, abusive Prick he really is.

for you

This is his old MO he dicks you around massively until you are too exhausted and stressed and he steam rollers you into what he wants.

When you’ve established your working arrangements, start the search
There’s a huge range of different childcare options out there, and it’s important that you keep your mind open to new ideas – as you may just find the perfect childcare solution. Have you considered mixing a nursery during the day, with a childminder picking up your little one and looking after them until you finish work?

This is ideal if you want your children to have the experience of interacting with others but your hours are longer than the regular nursery opening times. Nannies are also a great option, as they’ll form a bond with your family and can often provide care according to flexible hours themselves.

Have a look into after-school and before-school clubs too – ask your child’s form teacher or school secretary.

Look at other options once the children are at school
Many families find that once children are at school, and in regular after school activities, the option of an au pair or regular babysitter can work just as well. If you have the space in your home, consider an au pair to help with the school run, light housework and homework.

If you would rather not have a live-in option, posting a job for a local babysitter who does the school run 2-3 times per week and whom you can trust to prepare a meal for your children will ensure that your children are able to benefit from time in the family home, even when you are out at work.

www.workingmums.co.uk/how-to-find-flexible-childcare-2/

not the only options

How's it going? Hope you have come up with something....