To think this divorce term is unfair?

[joysexreno]

My ex was financially abusive and is completely obsessed with money. He strung me along for ages, refusing to reach a financial settlement in our divorce. However, he recently decided it was advantageous to him to settle so we may almost be there.

We have reached a big sticking point. He has agreed to pay basic CMS and half of childcare costs, but wants the childcare obligation to end if my finances improve.

He explicitly refuses to have DD4 during the week because of his important job, so I do all the heavy lifting during the work week. He has her on alternating weekends.

I am afraid that if childcare is dependent on my being sufficiently poor, this would open me up to constant challenges and efforts to examine my finances. It also seems generally unfair.

Aibu?

Get the offer in writing so you can show a judge how unreasonable he is. But take him to court.

[quote joysexreno]@Cocomarine

It's a bit awkward with the solicitor. She's very keen but she's more on the junior side. I think she's pretty good, but I appreciate she is not extremely experienced

I have had a lot of separate discussions with the ex and reported to her on them. What I meant about her not understanding the term is that he said this should be subject to material change and when I told her I was worried about challenge on the basis of my means, she was confused - I'm not sure she fully understood at first that he explicitly intended this to be positive material change[/quote]
Why would you engage a junior and not experienced solicitor on a matter that is so complex with a high net worth husband who you know you can’t trust? I find that an odd decision on your part. It doesn’t matter how “keen” she is - this is not the time to use anything but the best.

I’m surprised at this thread and can only think a lot of posters haven’t read or understood what he’s saying

I read it as the cm is fine, it’s the childcare which he’ll pay over and above cm but only while the op needs that help. If she earns more he’d withdraw that help. Not cm

@BillMasen- that was my reading too- the child maintenance(£1,100/month) and any spousal maintenance, would not be impacted, just the additional child care element

The problem with his proposal is that it's about control.

So her salary goes up by £100 per year and it stops?? He just keeps it in a constant loop of going to court that costs him nothing as he's a solicitor.

I completely agree with this.

🤦‍♀️ was trying to quote lannieduck

Lol spousal maintenance. He's not paying that. He will definitely do all he can to minimise the amount of CMS even though he hates looking after our daughter.

I was referred to this firm by a barrister I know. The bills are insanely high with this junior and I would be completely broke if I had the senior person to whom I was originally referred.

My solicitor actually pushed me to negotiate for more and I think part of the reason he is flipping out now is that he ended up agreeing £40k more than he had planned for.

It's still not really a fair outcome, but it's better than I expected out of a monster like him

Why not go to court?

I agree... why won't you go to Court, you will be okay 🌸

You might be better off with a direct access barrister. Skip the solicitor.

Did you get a fair split of marital assets op?

What is your earning capacity like?

I do think his willingness to pay 50% childcare needs to be viewed within the context of the whole package for people to decide whether it's a fair request, legally speaking, and worth the expense of going to court over.

Presumably he thinks he doesn't have to pay childcare, that he's being generous agreeing to this extra request, and that he wants the option to stop paying if your salary increases sufficiently to pay for childcare yourself. If you refuse that clause would he just refuse to pay altogether? Would a compromise for you to agree to that he could stop paying if your salary goes over a certain amount?

He sounds awful. At least you'll be on the other side and free of him soon.

I think it would be worth posting n legal too.

OP makes ~£50k and will get £1100/month CMS.

It's disgusting that he wants to calculate the support he gives based on OP's salary, but I can't help pointing out they are both comfortable.

Everyone in a divorce thinks the terms are unfair.

I'd be thinking about something like X-support from him for the child via OP for a definite number of years, or until the kid finishes private school. Leave OP's salary out of it.

Alternatively offer to agree to the plan with proviso that the support from him must also go up commensurately if OP's salary falls. He'll probably drop the idea sharp if OP counters with that one.

@joysexreno

Lol spousal maintenance. He's not paying that. He will definitely do all he can to minimise the amount of CMS even though he hates looking after our daughter.

I was referred to this firm by a barrister I know. The bills are insanely high with this junior and I would be completely broke if I had the senior person to whom I was originally referred.

My solicitor actually pushed me to negotiate for more and I think part of the reason he is flipping out now is that he ended up agreeing £40k more than he had planned for.

It's still not really a fair outcome, but it's better than I expected out of a monster like him

What overall financial settlement have you ended up with? I think it’s important to look at ensuring you’re completely independent from him in financial terms so that he is unable to control you going forward.

To be honest, if the overall settlement is fair and you are getting £13000 a year CMS (did I read that right?), I would be tempted to just tell him to stuff the childcare as you should be able to afford it? (Presuming you have one DD who is 4 and not four DDs). I know that is not fair but the control element is not worth it and you will end up spending a lot in legal fees. I would make sure he is committed to contributing until DD finishes university rather than childcare at this point when she must be nearly finished nursery?

Context is everything.

A good up front deal is priceless.

He'll be finding ways to appear to be earning less than he is and reduce CMS in a years time. Take what you can now.

I don't think the settlement is that fair, but it's more fair than what he proposed back when he didn't have a compelling reason to want to settle.

He will stay in the beautiful 5 bedroom family home in zone 2 of London. He will get lodgers and this will largely cover the mortgage payments.

The settlement will enable me to buy a house in zone 4, but with a mortgage at about 30% of my take home salary.

I will have to commute to my daughter's school because we won't be able to afford reasonable accommodation near where we are currently living (which is still much cheaper than where the family home is). He blocked us from moving closer to him because he thought this would mean I would get a bigger settlement.

He refuses to commit to pay anything past secondary school.

My theoretical earning capacity is high, but I am alone in this country and he refuses to have our daughter during the work week. Now that the government is doing away with the au pair programme, I really don't think I can handle the stress of a demanding job plus being the full time carer of my child.

I am afraid lots of other people, including myself, do handle a full-time, high pressure job with DC and no support. It gets easier as DC get older and it is certainly easier with one than two or more. Does not make it right, believe me I am not saying that, but in my experience, you are better just to get on with it and not be controlled. Can you work out a childcare solution without his financial support?

He blocked us from moving closer to him because he thought this would mean I would get a bigger settlement.

How?

He can’t specify where you can and can’t live?

I’d go to court purely to nail him into paying for university too.

Plus if she’s 4 then move her school to wherever you want to live. She’s still tiny and with Covid won’t have settled there much anyway.

Ask what he thinks of a reciprocal term that your childcare payments will end if his finances improve ?

@KatySun I admire people who have that kind of energy and spirit, but I do not. It's just too much. Other than friends I've made, I have zero support - no one to get my daughter in an emergency, no one to help if she's sick, etc.

@LittleBearPad it was a pressurised situation where we had to move before the school application deadline and he tried to withhold child maintenance and various other things. He also has parental responsibility and he has said he won't agree to change her school once we get the decision.

@Winter2020 no, he only wants to 'give' me this money if he thinks I need it. He already feels he is paying more than enough in an objective sense.

Op you sound ground down. I know you're trying to make your life easier by avoiding court and agreeing to some compromises.

But I fear by trying to be reasonable you're going to get walked all over. And have him dictate all manner of things for many years, while you live in fear.

Why don't you go to court? What are you afraid of?

Go back to square one, propose a totally new and fair settlement.

Clearly, your daughter should move school. Have you started planning to make that happen? You may need to go to court over this too. Eventually you'll have to stand up to him for your daughters sake. Start now.