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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this divorce term is unfair?

142 replies

joysexreno · 06/04/2021 20:42

My ex was financially abusive and is completely obsessed with money. He strung me along for ages, refusing to reach a financial settlement in our divorce. However, he recently decided it was advantageous to him to settle so we may almost be there.

We have reached a big sticking point. He has agreed to pay basic CMS and half of childcare costs, but wants the childcare obligation to end if my finances improve.

He explicitly refuses to have DD4 during the week because of his important job, so I do all the heavy lifting during the work week. He has her on alternating weekends.

I am afraid that if childcare is dependent on my being sufficiently poor, this would open me up to constant challenges and efforts to examine my finances. It also seems generally unfair.

Aibu?

OP posts:
moochingtothepub · 06/04/2021 22:52

I would go to court to seek a spousal maintenance order on that kind of income. It should end if your income goes over a certain threshold, you remarry and generally it's reassessed every so many years.

rawlikesushi · 06/04/2021 22:55

Spousal maintenance only possible in a marriage over a certain number of years.

WisnaeMe · 06/04/2021 23:02

Tell your solicitor to shape up 😳

RB68 · 06/04/2021 23:30

I do not think I would agree to this at all. He is trying to exert control as it is not specified what an improvement in your financial situation constitutes and is not specific enough. And anyway even if yours changes why should you contribute more? Would the same apply to him if his income increased or he married again? it would not be unusual to look at extra costs to be also paid for extra curricula activities, school trips and if for e,g, private school fees and uniform.

Childcare costs though generally run until secondary and thereafter its often more activity weeks in the hols. So I would look for childcare until12 then giving him more responsibility in holidays and he can either take leave or pay for the activity weeks. You also need to consider other activities such as swimming or other sports - dance hockey gym or whatever and who will meet the costs of those or is it 50/50 and what if he just says no to everything etc.

As others have said also consider making sure it covers "while in full time education" and includes Uni and if you are feeling particularly cross with him masters level...so education up to 25.

Have to say he sounds a right peach and likely to use your child to get at you specifically which I find very sad for children involved

Helenahandbasket1 · 06/04/2021 23:35

I would repost in legal OP, as what is legal and what is fair are quite different things.
My instinct is that you should go for a larger share of any equity you have in property and have a clean break. It’s all very well saying he ‘won’t agree’ to that, but he doesn’t have to agree with court orders. He’s not being particularly amicable or fair at the moment so it’s not like you’re preserving a good coparenting relationship by going along with what he wants.

RandomMess · 06/04/2021 23:37

If he is suddenly keen to settle use it to your advantage and say higher equity share in lieu of him contributing to childcare.

Seriously you want a clean break from this man!!

Alternatively ask for a year of high spousal support instead - again because after a year they can stop it and force it back to court anyway.

Kintsuji · 06/04/2021 23:39

@Ginfilledcats

I'd argue back that should his pay increase he has to increase his contributions. Fairs fair no?
I'd love to try this. Plus put in something about a share of any bonuses/shares/non monetary rewards paid by his work to be paid to you.

More seriously don't sign anything that agrees to this. That would be a nightmare situation with a controlling Ex. I'd add clause re the payment going untill she ceases full time education/apprenticeship too.

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/04/2021 23:44

I would add if OPs finances decrease he needs to increase his contributions!

See how he likes it if you have 10 more kids on £3.50 a week!

Rainbowqueeen · 06/04/2021 23:44

Is this going to be on a sliding scale? Or is it literally that if you make one penny more then he won’t pay childcare?

You sound like you just want to get it finalised. Think carefully about this. If that is the approach you do want to take I would have it say that there is a sliding scale eg you earn 10 percent more, he pays 10 percent less but that increases in your wages don’t include any increase due to a pay rise, bonus, inheritance, prize money, partners earnings etc. it only applies if you get a new job at a higher wage. And yes vice versa applies.
You also need to cover off uni as other posters have said plus make it clear that he supports everything she needs when he has her
Have you thought about the holidays yet? Is he going to have her for all his annual leave?

JackieWeaverFever · 06/04/2021 23:46

Jesus Christ get a new solicitor and take him to court.

Osirus · 06/04/2021 23:50

@Soontobe60

How would he find out if you earn more? I’m not sure that he’s legally obliged to pay for childcare when your child is in your care tbh.
This is my feeling too, but I’m not a solicitor. He should want, as any decent father would, to make sure his child is well provided for.
Nat6999 · 07/04/2021 01:04

Get a barrister for court, it will be worth the extra cost. If your divorce is being dealt with by a junior solicitor or paralegal, ask for someone more senior. Have you applied for Legal Aid due to abuse?

timeisnotaline · 07/04/2021 01:11

I think court might be your friend. ‘So you earn £200k, don’t want to have your child and also don’t want to pay for their care?’

He’s a higher earner- the agreement should address hobbies etc. if he wants his child to play sports and instruments and join expensive clubs like his friends kids he has to be prepared to pay. Give him half of the school holidays in the court request too.

Original poster
joysexreno · 07/04/2021 07:03

To be fair to my solicitor, she isn't proposing to accept his views on this. She wants to threaten to enforce the agreed terms of settlement in court (he is playing sillybuggers about a few things - to him the 'quid pro quo' for paying what he views as a huge settlement is that he gets child visitation when he feels like it)

OP posts:
BigPaperBag · 07/04/2021 07:35

Amazing how many men are happy for firstly their exes to pay for their kids and secondly for another man to then pick up the slack if the ex (eg the OP) gets remarried. Had all this with my ex @joysexreno so you have my sympathies. No money for years and currently get £29 a month as he’s on benefits 👏👏

rawlikesushi · 07/04/2021 07:36

How long was your marriage op?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/04/2021 08:23

Let the Soliciter handle it
But try to not let it role you too much
Ultimately he is the loser here
Prioritising his job over his kids
Twat

jeaux90 · 07/04/2021 08:35

It has to go in front of a judge even if you agree to a specific set of terms. His solicitor is being an idiot if they think a judge will sign off on it.

I'd let it go to court or at least let him think you will.

This is a negotiation, the biggest one of your life so you and your solicitor should be planning carefully on how to get you to the position you (and a judge) know is fair.

The whole point is to create equity across the houses, and court prefers a clean and fair break.

Original poster
joysexreno · 07/04/2021 08:39

@rawlikesushi

We were together for 10 years and I moved countries for him (and now I'm trapped in the UK due to having a child with him). We were actually married for 5 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
joysexreno · 07/04/2021 08:47

@jeaux90 he appears not to be using a solicitor except on a consultancy basis. He doesn't want to spend the money and he is himself a solicitor.

OP posts:
peak2021 · 07/04/2021 08:54

If only legal bullying as I term it was a criminal offence, sadly not.

I think it is a 'see you in court' response. I know the solicitor I use is not him as he has no children, but if not, I would want never to use the services of such an unpleasant man.

Original poster
joysexreno · 07/04/2021 09:05

@RB68 no, he is not proposing ever to pay more under any circumstances. I make about a quarter of what he does as it is, so one might think I am paying a disproportionate amount toward childcare.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/04/2021 09:09

So he has a history of financial abuse.... And this will mean he can continue to control you.

Stuff that....

As someone said upthread, if you can get a letter from him explicitly explaining why he can't parent his own kids... He may not want to do this.... 😒, but it does underline his shitty behaviour.

Can you just do a clean break settlement... Make it as huge amount as possible... So you don't keep having to go back to court.

A friend's wealthy ex, didn't bother with seeing his kids, vanished for years... Paying nothing... He owed I think 42k (she'd struggled financially for years). The court said he must pay this... He was paying 75£ a MONTH... He was having luxury holidays at this point... And high end cars, which he turned up to court in... He sais the 75 was putting him in desperate financial straits... So he had it halved🤔. My pal will be in her 80s before it is paid off...

You cannot trust him not to keep going back to court... I think it's even more likely given his history of abuse and his high income.

LizzieMacQueen · 07/04/2021 09:13

Just to clarify - you have one child, a daughter, aged 4 ? Your OP has DD4 which to some reads as your 4th daughter.

@joysexreno

cassandre · 07/04/2021 09:43

Yes, it's unfair, but he's always unfair, isn't he? Just take him to court and let the judge disabuse him of his mad ideas.

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