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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter looks like her Dad :-(

492 replies

Dorset555 · 06/04/2021 15:43

Hi I'm really annoyed that I'm so annoyed about this but my first child (7 week old daughter) looks just like my partner. She has done since she was born and everyone says it...his family. My family ..everyone. any photo we put online is followed by a barrage of comments to him 'oh she's your double' etc.
Firstly I don't want my daughter to look like a 40 year old man. Secondly am I being unreasonable, but I feel really jealous and upset that she doesn't look like me. I feel like I have put so much time and effort into making her and now spend 90% of my time looking after her and I just don't see any of myself in her appearance and literally all of him. To make things worse my partner is not really enjoying being a new dad and I'm trying to help him adjust but I don't even feel he really likes her yet. It all seems very unfair.
I keep checking myself though as I'm so grateful she's a happy healthy baby and this is really very unimportant. But I have to say its getting me down a bit. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for any comments/advice.

OP posts:
Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 06/04/2021 18:50

Ds1 looked the spitting image of his grandad when he was born, poor kid, now he has more of me in him than any of his paternal family.
Ds2 looks more like me than his sperm donor, which we are both thankful for.

YoBeaches · 06/04/2021 18:51

Yes is genetics. They are designed to look like their dad first to enable the bonding process. Father sees a mirror image and hey presto... then they develop to be a more balanced 50/50.

So it's programmed in the DNA of life. If she didn't look like him... well you might have a few questions to answer Wink

DeadButDelicious · 06/04/2021 18:52

My daughter looked just like me when she was born, it was a little disconcerting at first, the resemblance was uncanny. It was like looking at a miniature version of myself.

She's 4 now and whilst she still has a look of me (she has my colouring) she is the image of her father. She gets more like him as time goes on. Fear not OP, there's plenty of time.

Italiangreyhound · 06/04/2021 18:52

YANBU to think this. Of course it is upsetting to hear loads of people say that your baby looks like the dad and not like you!

But as everyone had said it's a survival thing. For those who say we didn't have mirrors in ancient history, well, no, but other people could see the baby, and the dad. So, they may well comment 'looks nothing like you' or 'Spitting image of you' - whatever Cave person version of spitting image.

What some are forgetting is you have just spent months growing a human and your hormones are all over the place. So a bit of kindness would be appropriate. Which some lovely people have noted.

Congratulations. Enjoy, she will change.

You can ask for this thread to be pulled if it is upsetting.

Thanks
mumjustmum · 06/04/2021 18:53

You are being unreasonable, sorry. All three of my boys look like my husband/ his brother/ and my MIL. None of them look remotely like me. I hope they also get his brains and not mine!

I do get it though, it especially annoyed me from husbands family and their family friends, whereas my family and friends were mostly much more gentle to admit it. I think it's because I see 'his lot' as not caring about me at all, just an incubator for these gorgeous mini DHs. However, I realise I'm being unreasonable and ridiculously over sensitive about that.

People are just stating likeness facts and saying how lovely they think my boys are.

Congratulations on your new little baby girl! Bet she's lovely.

Eatingsoupwithafork · 06/04/2021 18:54

When my DD was first born we joked that if I hadn’t have given birth to her we wouldn’t know she was mine, she was the image of my DH and his family - there could be no doubt over the paternity. She’s a little older now and doesn’t really look particularly like either of us, just has bits of all of us and our families.

ComDummings · 06/04/2021 18:54

It is true that most small babies look like their dad at first. It’s so weird. It used to piss me off when people would say it about mine when they were babies but I knew it was slightly irrational! Now at 5 & 7 one is still the double of my husband but with my eyes. And the other is a good mix of both us but moreso like me. They change so much as they get older!
When my friends have newborns I always say ‘she looks just like you’ to the mum even when the baby looks like dad’s tiny twin. Just to make the mum feel better as she’s probably sick of hearing ‘oh he looks the spit of his dad’ Grin

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/04/2021 18:58

Don’t fret - babies change so much so quickly! She’ll very likely look quite different soon.

When she was born my dd2 was the absolute spit of one of my GMs - when she was very old and hadn’t got her teeth in.
It didn’t last.

MNWorldisCrazy · 06/04/2021 18:58

Poor kid :(

pallisers · 06/04/2021 18:59

I agree it is super annoying when you've done all the hard work. I was particularly annoyed as I am adopted so my first baby was my first time seeing someone genetically related to me - and he looked like dh! It changes though - in a month or so she could look just like her mum.

I remember being with my youngest nephew once - a toddler. he looks so like his father, my bil, and I said that. My lovely MIL said to his 2 older siblings "I bet when you were with your mum's family yesterday everyone was saying how like your mum he is" and they agreed. it is just what you see.

Laughing at the idea of a little baby looking like a 40 year old man too.

pinkgin8 · 06/04/2021 19:03

She's been in the world for 49 days. Relax. She will change all the time as she grows up. Looks won't stay the same

oakleaffy · 06/04/2021 19:04

Our DS was the spitting image of his dad..
So much so that a neighbour said “
No doubting who his dad is!
Cheeky thing!

Far more concerning is your DH not liking being a Dad.
Hope he gets used to it soon.... good luck!

pinkgin8 · 06/04/2021 19:05

But I am confused as to what you expected, surely you knew your baby could look more like her dad than you?

starfishmummy · 06/04/2021 19:07

Everyone said ds looked like his Dad...I began to wonder who the mother was, lol!!

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 06/04/2021 19:09

My first born looked just like her dad. He was a useless father, but she is very much her own person and doesn't care for him much either.

oakleaffy · 06/04/2021 19:12

I wonder how Meghan Markle feels , with Archie looking the absolute cookie cutter image of her estranged father! - Genes will out.
My brother had the traits of his grandmother when he was young- it’s the way of phenotypes.

Bogoroditse · 06/04/2021 19:12

Oh I totally get it! One of my DDs looked exactly like my father in law which occasionally freaked me right out when I glanced down at my serenely breastfeeding newborn to see FIL. She's changed completely now and is nothing like a balding old man with a big nose (stealth boast!).

blackheartsgirl · 06/04/2021 19:12

All my kids are the image of their dads. Pisses me right off 🤣

My hairdresser today told me that my youngest was the image of me and I was so pleased. That was a first!

Lemonandlime123 · 06/04/2021 19:14

I can understand in part how you feel. When my eldest was born my mil went on and on about who she looked like (only their side of the family apparently!) and I found it quite tedious and upsetting. I just wanted to shout that she was her own person - stop comparing her to other people!

Eventually I learnt to let it go - 2 years later she still mentions something everytime I see her, which is strange as she looks just like me! 🙄

SionnachGlic · 06/04/2021 19:14

She'll change as she grows...mine looked just like partner & then when she got older people who knew her (school, clubs etc) would say 'you must be X's was Mum' because the resemblance was so strong. She has my way of thinking, humour, DP's turn of phrase & mannerisms...lots of both of us.

MumW · 06/04/2021 19:15

My (DH's) niece was so like her Dad (DH's BIL) when she was born that it was a joke that there was no question she was his.
24 years later, she and my DC could be passed off as sisters so definitely like her mother's family. They change so much.

SpeakingFranglais · 06/04/2021 19:16

Ha ha ha , my DD looked just like her dad when born.

Now age 24 she has his hair and dimples and easily puts on weight, all his side of the family. But she is incredibly pretty (me of course!) has my nose, my wonky legs, my natural wit and cooking ability, her dads sense of humour and his mother’s shape. She is clever (my side) and is empathetic and a passionate (my side) - see how all the good things are my side 😉

Who cares, she is marvellous and would be if she had inherited none of any of our traits.

She is her, an individual.

DS is the same, looks like a mini DH, but has my sensitivity and affection but his dads intolerance and short fuse. 🤷‍♀️

SylviaPlath1984 · 06/04/2021 19:18

This happened to me!

She was born with a load of dark hair like her daddy, looked just like him and I was blonde and pale. I was so upset that every comment was "doesn't she look like daddy" so upset that I dyed my hair dark..... and she started to go light and within a year was blonde and looked like I used to lol! It passes honestly, I think mine was hormone related looking back..

Libraryghost · 06/04/2021 19:18

What’s wrong with looking like her Dad? Has he got 2 heads or something? I look like my Dad and I am very proud of that. Have a word with yourself 🤣

SylviaPlath1984 · 06/04/2021 19:20

And ignore the nasty messages, god knows what half of the people on here get off on but it's always the same names with the same crap comments, just ignore them x