To not WANT , but accept,adult dc s may return to live in the family home?

[Waroftherosesandsome]

So many on mumsnet seem to really miss adult dc and hope or like that they will boomerang back home after uni etc.

I feel in a minority ,I do not want my adult dc to live with me . I see parenting as giving them wings to fly .. I also adore them ,they are lovely well rounded adults . They share their life with us on the phone,they visit.. often bringing friends who they know are most welcome here. We visit them amd treat them to nice meals out
,batch cook amd take stuff to pamper th etc.

What they also know is that we do not expect them to live with us as we dont want them to as we want our own space
..but that if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come.
They also know that we encorage independance.

I feel we are ready for this phase in our life and we enjoy doing our own things now such as say a quiet evening or something .
We are always going to support them emotionally or money wise ,but want our time.

On mumsnet I fear that them knowimg how we feel would be seen as harsh .
Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont. We make sure that they know we love them , that we will always help and want to see them but that we want our own time now .
I feel as if most parents of adult dc seem to want them to return home?. I really like and love them,but its not for us . .
Any other parents feel and say the same .. ? Feel like this is almost a taboo subject .

YANBU

Good parents raise independent children.

Your DC know they could come back “home” if they needed to and it sounds like you have a good and supportive relationship with them.

Thanks .
So many threads I read appear to be about empty nest syndrome etc. I do not feel like that , want our space.. amd feel like it is ,or should be unless they return home,a time for us to be adults alongside them . . Whilsy supporting amd loving them.... but not in same house .. i hate the thought of not having this new time and I feel like its
Almost wrong to want this wheras it used to be the norm .

I’d have my daughter here permanently if I could but I know it’s not right for her so wouldn’t wish her to be forced back. For her sake not mine, I always feel complete when she’s with me.

She’s away back to her flat now after spender the last four months here due to lock down and I’m really sad about it, but I know it’s right for her. Ultimately I want what’s best for her,it’s not about me.

YANBU.

I know my Dad (lived with him growing up) doesn't want me to live at home with him anymore. He enjoys his home to himself now. I don't feel unloved though, I know he adores me and he's a fantastic father.

I also know, through experience when going through a bad break up, that he would have me back in a heartbeat if I needed somewhere to go.

I think there is a big difference between wanting it and agreeing if they need somewhere. I'd expect a parent to allow their child home if they really needed somewhere but actively wanting it? No.

Eh, this is mumsnet, you either kick your child out at 16 to fend for itself because they’re apparently adults or you keep them permanently at home because you birthed them so must be responsible for all care, at all times, forever.

There is no in between

In reality, knowing that they have their parents as a bolt hole if they really needed it is surely just normal parenting?

You sound really reasonable. You're there should your children need it, but are looking forward to the next stage in your life without having adult children at home.

YANBU. My son is dire to live with. I'll happily live on the street before I live with him. We're rural so my daughter has to leave to go to uni.

In reality, knowing that they have their parents as a bolt hole if they really needed it is surely just normal parenting?

This in spades. You aren't unusual in wanting your own space and time when your children are grown up. My boys will always be welcome here if circumstances mean they need somewhere to be but that's an extra, not an expectation of permanent accommodation.

My eldest dd went to uni for 3 years, then came back home.

Adult dd needed to come back when her relationship suddenly broke down, it was only for a month.. Other adult dc know we could / would always squeeze them in short term.
Surely it's just what you do as a parent?
In a time of crisis they need us.. Nowt wrong in that..

Mine are only 8&9, so a few years to go yet... But I see my role is to make myself redundant. I'll always be there for them (as long I live anyway) but not in the same way. I want them to live their own lives. (Youngest wants to be an Explorer so she can't do that from her childhood bedroom!).

I completely agree. My children are relatively young but I think it's good parenting to model that you expect them to be away and independent, unless a crisis happens in which case I will help however I can (which I would also say to a close friend or sister not just a child).

I feel very icky about things like "I would love to have my daughter at home forever as I don't feel complete without her" - seems like a big emotional pressure on the child that they never asked for.

I don't want or not want my dd to live with us as an adult. I want whatever is best for her at the time.

If she wants to move away and be independent, then I will totally support that decision.

If she wants to stay at home for a while, then she will always be welcome.

I will miss her when she is gone, because I enjoy her company, but I don't need her here and recognise that she will want to branch out on her own at some stage. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy wherever she is.

She will always have a home with us if she wants it, but there are no expectations that she should choose to live here.

Sounds familiar, unfortunately one has returned home due to the pandemic and personal circumstances, she's showing no signs of plotting her leave!

Bluntness100 your view seems more like the view I see on mumsnet.
You say your dd completes you if she is home ? This is were I sometimes feel guilty .. I dont feel that at all .. I love my dc v much but I dont feel they complete me .. I relish this new phase of life and sometimes wonder if am wrong to!

So you are happy and comfortable with this. Your children are ok with this. I don’t really understand why you are posting about it then. If it works so well for you, why do you care what others think?

nokidshere
Yes agree ! Have said always welcome but made it clear its not a permanant option. Thats the bit I feel ? guilt about as out dc seem almost offended at times.we want own space.. as have mentioned so and so s .. family are pleased to have them living with them again ! I think that its quite hard saying that we would of course have them home ,if needed ,but we are enjoying the time by ourselves so we dont want ot to be permanant ! Is it an ok way to say it ?!

You say your dd completes you if she is home ? This is were I sometimes feel guilty .. I dont feel that at all .. I love my dc v much but I dont feel they complete me .. I relish this new phase of life and sometimes wonder if am wrong to!

I feel a bit like @Bluntness100, and would always want dd with me for my own sake while recognising that it might not be the best thing for her. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling differently. It certainly doesn't mean that you love your dc any less.

To offer a different perspective, my mum suffered terribly with empty nest syndrome and became really depressed. It just made me and DSis feel incredibly guilty for getting on with our lives. So, whatever I might feel inside, I am determined that dd will never know how much I miss her!

This is all well and good but today's young adults aren't going to be able to afford to live away from home or buy their own place with relative ease like their parents or indeed grandparents did. There are 40yr olds living house shares, the job market has tanked; a millennial today has experienced multiple recessions and now COVID has turned everything upside down again. The notion of giving your children wings so that they fly away and build their own lives is now one for the birds.

WeekendCEO see my last post !

A really good parent, like a really good manager, can slip into the background. Both of my kids live with me...they have to due to studying / covid / high rents. One is desperate to move back in with her mates. One would happily live here to 35. I don't feel I have done a great job...I worry about her incessently and I think she has picked up on it, and it's clipped her wings. I feel like I have slightly failed... I want her happy and self sufficient. What you are saying showhealthy boundaries...and love. Kids should not need us after a certain point.

@VladmirsPoutine

This is all well and good but today's young adults aren't going to be able to afford to live away from home or buy their own place with relative ease like their parents or indeed grandparents did. There are 40yr olds living house shares, the job market has tanked; a millennial today has experienced multiple recessions and now COVID has turned everything upside down again. The notion of giving your children wings so that they fly away and build their own lives is now one for the birds.

It's reality for many who live in areas where there isn't a lot of work or educational opportunities, or if you have to downsize due to renting and not being able to afford extra rooms. In MN land it seems a given that everyone lives in an owned (usually mortgage free) house in a town or near one and plenty of dosh to keep adults for free for years.

Plenty of people don't have the capacity to allow for adult DCs to live with them as the 'family home' is one of great privilege anyway.

I still don’t really understand. You don’t want them living with you. If they are unhappy with knowing that but you are not able to offer them more, then there’s nothing more to be said. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There may be consequences in the future which you will all have to accept, as in it’ll may affect your relationship with them, future grandchildren etc if they have some resentment, bad feeling. But if you aren’t willing to change your feelings then you’ll just have to deal with that.

VladmirsPoutine
No its is not .
Ds has a job in education .. got the job during lockdown..and set up his own buisness that he also set up in covid times last year.
Dd also has a job which she got in covid time.. not a job she would really want but a job .
She lives in a shared house ...as does ds .. they have go get attutudes .dd walked round all day worh her cv till she got a job . She wd have statt again the next day if ot had not worked. I feel it is better not to tell the young folk that it os too hard .. it will be self fulfuling if you do. I was job hunting in the 80s with mass u employment .. its not dissmilar .but yes houses are a problem i agree .

My two eldest 20-something sons have moved out, hopefully permanently

I adore them and they adore me, but we'd drive each other mad if they lived at home. We see each other often (Covid permitting of course) talk regularly on the phone and have a great relationship, but if we'd soon all push each other over the edge if they spent more than a couple of days at home.

They don't want to move back, but they know that if they ever need to they can at a moment's notice. Indeed they both have done at different times for a while, depending on what's going on in their lives.

Youngest DS(23) still lives at home and that's fine. He'll leave when he's ready - as long as he's not still here when he's 30 all will be well