To not WANT , but accept,adult dc s may return to live in the family home?

[Waroftherosesandsome]

So many on mumsnet seem to really miss adult dc and hope or like that they will boomerang back home after uni etc.

I feel in a minority ,I do not want my adult dc to live with me . I see parenting as giving them wings to fly .. I also adore them ,they are lovely well rounded adults . They share their life with us on the phone,they visit.. often bringing friends who they know are most welcome here. We visit them amd treat them to nice meals out
,batch cook amd take stuff to pamper th etc.

What they also know is that we do not expect them to live with us as we dont want them to as we want our own space
..but that if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come.
They also know that we encorage independance.

I feel we are ready for this phase in our life and we enjoy doing our own things now such as say a quiet evening or something .
We are always going to support them emotionally or money wise ,but want our time.

On mumsnet I fear that them knowimg how we feel would be seen as harsh .
Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont. We make sure that they know we love them , that we will always help and want to see them but that we want our own time now .
I feel as if most parents of adult dc seem to want them to return home?. I really like and love them,but its not for us . .
Any other parents feel and say the same .. ? Feel like this is almost a taboo subject .

*your

I wouldn't have minded my two adult children at home, after they had finished Uni, but it's highly unlikely that many adult children would wan't to do this.,They will usually go forth,and plan out what they wan't to do,in the next phase of their lives.

They will mostly love home, but will mostly not wish to live with a parent or parents now. At the time,I was a bit upset,when they both left home, as My son went travelling in the USA for more than a year,,not travelling as going on some holiday, but working in various states there, doing all kind of jobs.

My daughter had a friend from UNI, who lived 100 miles away from us, and kind of encouraged my daughter to go to the city where she lived, for more job wise things,as we lived in a small town with less job prospects. My son,when back from the Usa,,later made his home 150 miles away from our home in the UK, They both still live away, and I have missed lots of their everyday happenings, but that's life.

Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of the choice. One of my adult children was made redundant after being on furlough, cannot get a job anywhere and not for the want of trying. What do I do? Put them out on the street? I had years of my partner and self doing our own thing and loved it. The Pandemic put paid to that. I was looking forward to a semi-peaceful retirement. Im now working harder than ever to try and support my family, emotional support more than anything apart from childcare to help another adult child. Yet the older generation are meant to be having a ball with holidays and leisure time, I wish.

I must say I'd define fully adult as closer to 25 than 18... Somewhere between the two. Moving out completely, rather than just in term time, at 18 is relatively unusual these days. I'd definitely hope for 25 year olds to be fully launched though!

Well, I think it has to be about what's best for the kids if you're like me and would love your dc to stay at home forever! It simply wouldn't be healthy for me to impose my personal wants on my adult dc in order to pressure her to live at home when she didn't want to.

If the parents want their own space, then yes, I think their needs and preferences should certainly be considered.

@Waroftherosesandsome

Interesting comments. I wd actually love my dc to live near .. and call in each day for tea for eg ,but not live with us . Its intresting that some posters say .. "well id love to have them home ,but its about them not me .. It led me to wonder if it sometimes about all of us ie parents and adult dc, rather than just what is best for the adult kids and parents fit round that ? Is a time when its not about singularly whats best for them ,but older parents feeling able ro say and consider their own needs indpendantly of the dc wishes . I mean if they were suffeering ,I would suffer . Amd would leap to help .I mean more.. the right to feel that you have the right to have your own space rather than accomadate others wishes etc first. Ie does it always remain about what is best for dc .. ? What about what parents want ? I am thinking that whilst we will always be parents .. will always suppport emotionally and practically.. is there a time when parents of adults can out themselves first ? Like some have said some downsize for this purpose ?!! . Am really debating rather than having fixed ideas .

I think there absolutely can be a time you put yourself first whilst continuing to have a warm and positive connection to your adult children. The two are not mutually exclusive but sometimes it is posited that way here. Maybe because I seperated and have my children 50% of the time, I feel as if I've broken through the first 'wall' so the second, which is to live my life on my own terms in late middle and old age, isn't such a stretch. I agree with you that I find it somewhat bemusing that people always feel the need to scramble to say they want to foster independence, do what's best for their children etc. It is ok past a certain age of child to do things purely because it suits you, not everything has to be through the lens of our childrens wellbeing. Hell thats not even healthy taken too far with young children, there is cetainly no need tp martyr ourselves for grown adults

But older parents feeling able to say and consider their own needs indpendantly of the dc wishes

I’m curious as to what you mean by this. Ok downsizing isn’t something parents can do if DC are still at home, but that’s very specific.

I don’t have any unmet needs or wishes. I’m free to do what I want when I want irrespective of having DC here. When I had DS living here I went off abroad for 6 months. It was actually quite useful he was here so he could look after the house! In non covid times if I want friends round, either DC are out themselves or they hang out in their rooms. We do have a small second lounge also they can use. They don’t cost me anything financially. I don’t see why having DC at home should stop parents living their lives?

Gothichouse40 that's not a want though, its a temporary necessity. That's what the op is saying.

theleafandnotthetree looks like we are similar. !!!!!! I enjoy own company too and value it .it makes me feel really well . How do you explain it to them ?
I often feel odd as for eg my dd talks about her mates who love living at home and that the parents like it. We have said they are welcome in times of emergency or need some looking after and that our money is family money to.call on if they need it as they know that I wd give them my last penny if they needed it. However , we have said it wdnt work in the long term as they live differently to us and it would mean a lot of comprimise to eirher them or us .. eg they like to play music .. i like quiet i our small house .. that wd annoy them to comprisw to get headphones or annoy me if i heard loud or any music ! Eg i like sitting in the garden alone for hours if dh out not with other folk .. so we wd all be comprimising.. tho we do have many many shared.intrests too and they are fab . If they came back I wd help.them rent a place near us even if meant me working more as I want to give them security ,and they cd visit every day forparental tlc , but at this stage i n life i am wanting my own space as a quiet person beforei get old .

I suppose if the parent is single and they share common interests with their adult child etc and the adult child takes responsibility for themselves and helps cook and tidy up etc I can see how that experience I’d very different to having an idle adult child who does nothing around the house to help and if the parent has a partner then I can see this causing rows.

Imo one would be fantastic the other would be a nightmare! You’re definitely NBU op

I also, don't subscribe to another popular mumsnet opinion that DC are fully responsible adults the minute they turn 18. DD had a gap year before university, and was more than ready to go by the time she went.

Job opportunities arent great where we live, especially if you don't drive, so I don't expect DD to even want to come back and live here.

To some extent, it may just be a reflection of how easily your lives would mesh together, the extent to which their lifestyles would conflict with yours etc.

My dd and I rub along together very easily. We never really argue and rarely annoy each other. I know some parents/children who drive each other up the wall. It absolutely isn't a reflection of how much they love each other, but there are differences in personality and preferences that can make it harder for people to live with each other?

Me and Dd can't live together, we argue constantly, she has PDA and is a nightmare to live with.
I'd help her anyway I could and have her v v short term but that's it.
We get on brilliantly now she doesn't live at home, and even she acknowledges that moving out was the best thing.

While I'm happy mine are settled in careers, part of me would have loved it if they had found jobs near to home. It was never going to happen as their careers are not available here. Thankfully they both live under 2 hours away.

Im puzzled what it is that you want to do that can't be done while adult DC are living at home?

Saying that I'd like to be nearer so she can pop in, or come for dinner, but not too near!

YANBU. I think good parents help prepare their DC to leave the nest. I had Empty Nest Syndrome quite badly when both DC went off to uni in the same year. But lockdown brought them both back within a few weeks, and I felt so sorry for them having their first taste of adult life cancelled like that. They are finally going back to uni soon after three and a half months back home, unplanned.

I know I'll miss them but I'm also desperate to start that new phase of life - from travelling and weekends away to eating food DH and I like but they hate.

Boph
Thinks like . . Garden by myself for hours. Watch what i want on tv . Get into.bathroom when i want. Small things..... basically a quiet introverted tidy household .
I love it when they are back for a week or so .. after a few days they get annoyed with me or i lomg for a quiet time.. i dont like doing thjngs in groups ... they want family walks , family films.. i love it wt first then i get really physically tired . I get worn out near people even if i adore them . Dh the same .he goes off for hours on hos bike , i potter etc.

I’d like my dc to live closer when they’re adults and not move 100 miles away. Although there’s not much happening here so I suspect dc will move away 😕

@Waroftherosesandsome

theleafandnotthetree looks like we are similar. !!!!!! I enjoy own company too and value it .it makes me feel really well . How do you explain it to them ? I often feel odd as for eg my dd talks about her mates who love living at home and that the parents like it. We have said they are welcome in times of emergency or need some looking after and that our money is family money to.call on if they need it as they know that I wd give them my last penny if they needed it. However , we have said it wdnt work in the long term as they live differently to us and it would mean a lot of comprimise to eirher them or us .. eg they like to play music .. i like quiet i our small house .. that wd annoy them to comprisw to get headphones or annoy me if i heard loud or any music ! Eg i like sitting in the garden alone for hours if dh out not with other folk .. so we wd all be comprimising.. tho we do have many many shared.intrests too and they are fab . If they came back I wd help.them rent a place near us even if meant me working more as I want to give them security ,and they cd visit every day forparental tlc , but at this stage i n life i am wanting my own space as a quiet person beforei get old .

I think you sound lovely and caring, it is purely the nuts and bolts of living in each others space that you balk at, and that is ok. I do think some people are depleted more by being around other people, including their nearest and dearest and after a minimum of 20 years of a busy house between children, their friends, etc want something else. I don't think you need to explain it any better than you have here, they just have to accept it. Every family has its own culture and dynamics and ways of doing things, this is yours and let other people have theirs. It will come as no surprise to my children that things won't stay exactly as they are because I have always told them so but presented adult life as being full of adventure and something to be looked forward to, not as something to retreat away from back at mammies. If they really needed me that would be different but lets not pathologise the normal ebbs and flows of growing up and becoming an adult either. Jobs are got and lost, relationships end, things go wrong. We can usually support each other - as we would a sister or a close friend - through these things without having to live with each other

It sounds like you're just quite introverted, OP? I expect that has a lot to do with it.

YANBU at all. Our DC are still young and talk about how they'll live with us forever which is all very sweet but in reality both DH and I moved away to university at 18 and barring odd six month chunks here or there while saving for a postgrad etc that was us out of the family home permanently - and I think my relationship with my parents is happier and healthier for that so that would be our hope/expectation for our DC too.

That said, we've just moved into our forever home and it has an annex, initially earmarked for my mum who is getting increasingly frail asit means post-covid we can have her stay and my dad have some much-needed respite as her carer. But we're both aware that in the long term the annex might be somewhere one of the DC lives if they fall into tough times or want to save for a deposit for a home of their own.

Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont

I'm not sure that they actually want them back, many seem to be bullied into having them back so they can 'save to buy a house', ie live at their parents' expense while living a carefree life. If they're accepted back then they should accept the rules of the parents' home and not expect to behave like stroppy teenagers.

My dh is 10 years older than me with 3 adult dc. 2 of which still live with their Mother and Step Dad, ages 23 and 26. There are no end of arguments and fighting and crying, mainly because the 26 yo does not get on with her step Dad. I have to bite my tongue when his exw is on the phone to him asking to sort their DD as she is playing up again. This happens every few months and I cannot help but think his exw has the raw deal here. Only she moved recently to a larger house to accommodate them all......No way would I want them around me at that age causing trouble. Neither have any real prospects as they are in minimum wage jobs so cannot move out. I would be seriously gutted tbh if they were mine.

My dc are 16 and 17 and will both be at Uni in 2.5 years, whilst I will miss them dearly I hope they carve a life for themselves without having to come home. It helps that I am moving to a small village!!

@theleafandnotthetree Nicely put.

@Waroftherosesandsome ah, I can do all those things even with them here. We are lucky to have space, more than one sitting room so no clashes with tv. When they were teenagers there was a house rule that headphones must be worn - still applies to DH . Perhaps our DC are easier to live with.
They each came home for a year after uni, saved up and moved out.

Yabu to worry about what people on mumsnet think
However.
I could not wait to leave home. Did so at 19 and never wanted to return.
Dd1 is 26 and has lived with us twice since Uni. Last year during pando and redundancy. Dd2 has been renting with her boyfriend since 18.
It seems normal to me!