To not WANT , but accept,adult dc s may return to live in the family home?

[Waroftherosesandsome]

So many on mumsnet seem to really miss adult dc and hope or like that they will boomerang back home after uni etc.

I feel in a minority ,I do not want my adult dc to live with me . I see parenting as giving them wings to fly .. I also adore them ,they are lovely well rounded adults . They share their life with us on the phone,they visit.. often bringing friends who they know are most welcome here. We visit them amd treat them to nice meals out
,batch cook amd take stuff to pamper th etc.

What they also know is that we do not expect them to live with us as we dont want them to as we want our own space
..but that if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come.
They also know that we encorage independance.

I feel we are ready for this phase in our life and we enjoy doing our own things now such as say a quiet evening or something .
We are always going to support them emotionally or money wise ,but want our time.

On mumsnet I fear that them knowimg how we feel would be seen as harsh .
Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont. We make sure that they know we love them , that we will always help and want to see them but that we want our own time now .
I feel as if most parents of adult dc seem to want them to return home?. I really like and love them,but its not for us . .
Any other parents feel and say the same .. ? Feel like this is almost a taboo subject .

Yanbu OP. Our job as parents is to give our children the necessary life skills to go out into the world and stand on their own two feet. Though that may mean they return home after uni while they save for their own place. It's one thing to have adult children back at home if their having a bad patch, but quite another if they're encouraged to stay home to meet their parents unfulfilled emotional needs.

Once you've done all the hard work of parenting, in most cases working at the same time, you've earned the right to put yourself first and enjoy life while you are still healthy enough to do so.

I'd like my two to know they are welcome any time but I hope they will be able to be independent after university. I wouldn't mind if they wanted to live back at home for as long as they want to save up though, as long as they pull their weight around the house and don't take the mickey. I never felt I had to move out after university and was always welcome but I did a few months later, and kept in touch or came to visit regularly. It seems to be the right approach.

WeekendCEO

They know they can come if they need us . They know we want our own space. Why would there be bad feeling when they know they have a bolt hole and that they are welcome to visit with any number of their mates amd be looked after. ? Are you saying that parents are supposed to encorage or want adults dc living with them then ?
Is there something wrong with myself amd dh enjoying the quiet and space whilst emotionally amd fincially supporting out adult children ? This is the view that I think is more prevelant and am seeking to ( apart from the covid and £ ressons.).
explore.why ,in this day and age parents seem to live thro their dc more and not encorage as.much independance. I think parenting styles have changed somewhat and I find it intresting and expectations on dc and parents may have also shifted as we have become more child centric in the early years, which may have extended to our parenting of adult children ( a sure that term is quite new too )?!

I'm 31 and have two younger siblings in their twenties. Our parents were always quite clear to us when we were teenagers and students that once we left uni, the expectation was that we'd then be financially independent, and should expect to find jobs and housing. This has been a great mindset for us, and made us much more determined to establish good careers or at least an income compared to many of our friends.

Having said that, our parents said it in a way that was very clear that this was about expectations and what was actually best for us, not that the door was slammed shut. We had a much older cousin that wound up living at home in her early thirties without being charged any rent, and we'd talk about how actually having to pay rent would have helped her in the long term as she'd then have the incentive to find a good job etc.

In the long term, one sibling has often worked a job that involves rotations, and has often lived with my parents for weeks at a time in between rotations. The other one had career plans scuppered by Covid and is now living at home and has been for 6 months. So we are welcome at home, but to know it wasn't the 'easy' or 'default' option has been great for us in terms of spurring us to be independent - the sibling living at home has put so much energy into his own business this year, and I think a large part of that mindset comes from knowing that our parents expect us to be independent, even if we're briefly living at home.

You're not being unreasonable, but your last post reeks of 'My children are more hard working, independent and I raised them better'. So you might not be wrong, because there is no single right approach, but you do sound a bit smug.

beesinmybonnet
Agree !
Am unsure how ro say that to them tho amd I wd like to find the words !
The thing is .. whilst i really feel that to be true .. I want to find a way to be able to say this to them . They get it and really enjoy commimg home. Its just that sometimes they seem cross that we are happy in our own space and that other parents seem to actively want the dc back and they sort of question why we are happy as we are ?!

I don't think it's necessarily the case that parents want to live through their dc. I just really enjoy my dd's company tbh.

I won't be encouraging her to stay at home at all. But she will be very welcome if she wants to.

I think it's just different personalities wanting different things tbh. I never felt a particular need for child-free me-time when dd was younger, whereas this was an absolute essential for some of my friends. They don't love their dc any less, they just have different personalities and different needs.

Thats the bit I feel ? guilt about as out dc seem almost offended at times.we want own space.. as have mentioned so and so s .. family are pleased to have them living with them again !

You’re asking me why there would be bad feeling? You said the above in your other post, that your children are almost offended that you have this view. So if they’re offended, there may be bad feeling. You can do what you like, I’m not saying parents are ‘supposed’ to do anything. Everyone does things their own way, just as everyone has to accept any consequences of that. If you’re happy, just get on with your life and stop worrying about why others may do it differently.

I adore my kids, but I do love having my house to myself. The eldest came home for a while after her relationship broke up (it was his home that they shared) and though I was absolutely happy for her to do so and welcomed her with open arms, it took some re-adjusting. Having either of them live here again is certainly not something I'd choose to happen.
I love to see them, I love to have them visit me, and I love to do things with them, and have mini holidays with them. But I need my own space now.

As an independent adult yourself - I am wondering why you care what other adults strangers think about your view?

@VladmirsPoutine

This is all well and good but today's young adults aren't going to be able to afford to live away from home or buy their own place with relative ease like their parents or indeed grandparents did. There are 40yr olds living house shares, the job market has tanked; a millennial today has experienced multiple recessions and now COVID has turned everything upside down again. The notion of giving your children wings so that they fly away and build their own lives is now one for the birds.

This 100%.

Its just that sometimes they seem cross that we are happy in our own space and that other parents seem to actively want the dc back and they sort of question why we are happy as we are ?!

And now you’ve said this. So there is clearly some resentment from your children which could cause issues with your relationship on the future. Again, you can do whatever you like, but your children are allowed to have their own feelings about it. You can’t make them be ok with it.

Thats the bit I feel ? guilt about as out dc seem almost offended at times.we want own space.. as have mentioned so and so s .. family are pleased to have them living with them again

It sounds like you make them feel unwelcome/unwanted and that's painful no matter how old you are. I'm also not sure why you're mentioning it so often that "at times" your children seem offended by it.

I don't think your attitude is as balanced as you think. There's a line between mollycoddling and being hurtful, and you're too far towards the latter.

You sound like ideal MIL material! Sadly my MIL cried when my husband moved out, saying he was leaving her. She used to text saying how much she missed him and that she had been crying. In the end he asked her to stop as he did not appreciate being guilted into visiting when he already visited quite frequently. She said it was ok as she did it to another of her sons too! Luckily it has toned down a lot now, but it can't be forgotten how she tried to make him feel.

ittakes2
Because I feel in a minority ? Because parenting expectation s seem to have changed ? Used to be cant wait for the dc to leave home .. now thats not said it seems.. because i was wanting to check if like minded folk around .. for when I feel unsure .. like lots of folk post about on this site ?!!!! They check thoughts and feelings out ???? !

This is all well and good but today's young adults aren't going to be able to afford to live away from home or buy their own place with relative ease like their parents or indeed grandparents did

This is oft repeated nonsense. They are going to be able to live away from home, if they do it the way we did, without the high expectations man of them seem to have.
Many of us parents did not buy our own places with relative ease, many of us still have not. Why do you think otherwise?

Your children might be annoyed that you want your own space, but surely they want their own space, too?

saraclara do they know that they wd drive you mad and vica versa ?! Am thinking joke / honwstly a good way for us rather than our occasional.guilt fest

Because parenting expectation s seem to have changed ? Used to be cant wait for the dc to leave home .. now thats not said it seems..

I think you're wrong to think that things have changed. There were always parents who felt like you, and there were always parents who felt like me.

Neither is better, but it isn't a new phenomenon.

i cant believe people want their offspring back after university.
my dh was shocked that they might not come back.
the pandemic bought one dd back but i think that is not the norm.

it is not taboo,
plenty of parents downsize for instance

I'm not sure why anyone would want their children to fail to launch. Wanting your children to fail to become independent adults is really quite perverse. Obviously some children aren't able to become fully independent and their parents continue to house them if necessary, but no good parent wants that, it's just dealing with the reality of a given situation.

Returning to the parental home temporarily after a crisis of some kind can be very helpful or almost essential, but living with parents long term or expecting their financial support past the age of 25 isn't psychologically healthy - adult children are supposed to be independent.

Used to be cant wait for the dc to leave home .. now thats not said it seems.. because i was wanting to check if like minded folk around .. for when I feel unsure .. like lots of folk post about on this site ?!!!! They check thoughts and feelings out ???? !

No, there’s always been a mix of how parents do it. Just depends on the sort of parents they are, how their upbringing affected them etc.

So if everyone here says you’re awful, would you change how you do things? Or you’re hoping everyone will say, you’re doing things right? It’s purely opinion, no actual right and wrong.

Its just that sometimes they seem cross that we are happy in our own space and that other parents seem to actively want the dc back and they sort of question why we are happy as we are ?!

There’s a very fine line between adoring and suffocating. Some of the adult DC yours know whose parents are desperate for them to move back, will love it. Some however will feel suffocated.

Not the same as empty nest but my DM is a bit like you in her approach to being a grandparent. Happy to see my DC, likes spending a fairly short time with them, will help immediately in a crisis, but has her own life and has always made it clear she’s not up for a regular childcare commitment. Meanwhile I see friends’ parents doing one or two days a week regular childcare, taking their grandchildren for regular weekend stays etc. (pre covid). Am I envious? Yes, a bit. I would like all that help and also I would like to feel like my parents adore my children so much they want to see them as much as possible. On the other hand, I read tales of overbearing/possessive grandparents on MN and know that there may be a flip side to all this involvement...

God no! We are acting as guarantors on her rent so that she doesn't! I love her to bits but she would be impossible to live with now!