To not WANT , but accept,adult dc s may return to live in the family home?

[Waroftherosesandsome]

So many on mumsnet seem to really miss adult dc and hope or like that they will boomerang back home after uni etc.

I feel in a minority ,I do not want my adult dc to live with me . I see parenting as giving them wings to fly .. I also adore them ,they are lovely well rounded adults . They share their life with us on the phone,they visit.. often bringing friends who they know are most welcome here. We visit them amd treat them to nice meals out
,batch cook amd take stuff to pamper th etc.

What they also know is that we do not expect them to live with us as we dont want them to as we want our own space
..but that if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come.
They also know that we encorage independance.

I feel we are ready for this phase in our life and we enjoy doing our own things now such as say a quiet evening or something .
We are always going to support them emotionally or money wise ,but want our time.

On mumsnet I fear that them knowimg how we feel would be seen as harsh .
Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont. We make sure that they know we love them , that we will always help and want to see them but that we want our own time now .
I feel as if most parents of adult dc seem to want them to return home?. I really like and love them,but its not for us . .
Any other parents feel and say the same .. ? Feel like this is almost a taboo subject .

it is purely the nuts and bolts of living in each others space that you balk at, and that is ok. I do think some people are depleted more by being around other people, including their nearest and dearest and after a minimum of 20 years of a busy house between children, their friends, etc want something else.

Yep. That's how it is for me. I loved family life at the time, but I'm not a noisy person, and I enjoy my privacy. I don't want to have to account for my actions to any other adult, even (especially?) my kids.

We seem to have reached the stage where my lovely daughters have started to see themselves in an almost parental role. Not exactly judgy (though one comes close) but certainly I feel vaguely monitored. It's done out of love and concern, but I think I'd get very resentful if they lived here and made any comment on my choices. Our relationship is lovely at the moment, and I think it would suffer if we didn't have space from each other.

@saraclara

it is purely the nuts and bolts of living in each others space that you balk at, and that is ok. I do think some people are depleted more by being around other people, including their nearest and dearest and after a minimum of 20 years of a busy house between children, their friends, etc want something else.

Yep. That's how it is for me. I loved family life at the time, but I'm not a noisy person, and I enjoy my privacy. I don't want to have to account for my actions to any other adult, even (especially?) my kids.

We seem to have reached the stage where my lovely daughters have started to see themselves in an almost parental role. Not exactly judgy (though one comes close) but certainly I feel vaguely monitored. It's done out of love and concern, but I think I'd get very resentful if they lived here and made any comment on my choices. Our relationship is lovely at the moment, and I think it would suffer if we didn't have space from each other.

I think I will be exactly the same as you in 10 years time. I will want to do exactly as I please in my home without another adult being around to witness it or to accommodate. If I want to play power ballads at top volume while cleaning my house at 9 o'clock on a Saturday night, then I want to do it without being teased, dealing with sighs or stop myself from doing it in the first place because I don't want to disturb them. If there is noise I want it to be my noise!

No l don't want my adult children vliving with me. However in the past two years l have had both of them at one stage living with me and my DP who is not Thier parent.
DS was basically homeless having mental health issues..we met him come and stay and he got a job then moved into a flat share
my DD came for 5months..she lost her job due to covid so obviously l said yes but only for a few months.
We dont have the space but l feel bad they don't have a family home to go to but they are adults. I would never see them. Homeless but l have done my bit for nearly 30 years now is my time.

I am completely on the same page as you. My eldest went to Uni, graduated and went straight to a fulltime job and house share. Youngest is 19 and is in the first year of an apprenticeship and living at home, he will move out as soon as he gets a full time job. The ambition is totally mutual. They've absolutely been encouraged to be independent and self sufficient. I adore them both, but we all need space and time to be ourselves, and try as you might, living with adult children is not ideal (for them or us) They are always come home ( temporarily) if they need to.
Having said that, we do intend to downsize when the youngest moves out 😁

I think your feelings are entirely fair. We spend a lot of years raising children why wouldn't you want your own space and time , I haven't got to the empty nest yet, o know I'll feel sad when it first happens but life changes and so do we , I understand!

I have both adult dc at home. Dd 27 will probably go first as she's in a long term relationship and saving to move in together.
Ds is 33 and has tried to live independently but has MH issues which are easier to deal with when he has support.
I m a single mum though and we all get on well together.
He s been back nearly 4 years and is a lot better here.

I agree with the OPs opening post. Not read the rest. I think though sometimes people want their kids back so they can ignore how distant their marriage has become. I think it’s good you want your own space.

In this thread it is assumed that the AC are going to university or being on an apprenticeship and that they will only be at home until their situations can support moving to a home of their own.
I watched a friend go through something I think would be much worse than having your own AC staying on with you until they complete their apprenticeship or coming back after being away to university.
This friend had AC who not only thought it fine to stay with the parent after a break up they also thought they could just move the next partner in. The AC had not contributed to household expenses or helped in the home. It looked like the single parent friend was expected to pay not only for the AC but also the new partner. The AC was indignant when told the partner was not moving in.
I felt very angry that friend's AC would treat her like that

I think successful parenting sees young adults become increasingly independent. That’s one of the joys. It’s lovely watching them setting up their homes and helping a little. It’s lovely having them return with partners and friends. It’s brilliant having people who can do essential jobs with you, who can bring something for lunch if they come on the spur of the moment. I like them emptying the freezer of leftover meals.

Our home will always be their home, if they want or need it to be. They all have keys to come and go at will. Do we want them living here for extended periods? Not a chance, no. We quite like having just us.

I do think it very much depends on the dynamic. A pp said she might want to clean at 9pm while playing power ballads, without being teased or disturbing anyone. I have DC here and could do that no problem. They wouldn’t bat an eyelid! We know each other well enough that nothing any of us do is an issue.

To be blunt literally the only thing that neither I nor my adult DC can do in this house living together, is have sex with a partner. So yes if I were in a couple and we wanted to lie in bed all day having sex, then I probably wouldn’t want adult DC here either! As it stands I don’t want a partner right now (maybe not ever). IF I were to meet someone I definitely wouldn’t want them living with me, so they’d need to have their own place. So I’d just go there for that! DD did have a bf for a while (after the break up that led to her coming home) and she just stayed at his some nights.

People have to do what’s right for their own family. Bottom line is, it’s no one else’s business. What I do resent is this judgement that If an adult DC is living at home they are somehow “less” than their peers that don’t. Other than the sex part, we all live exactly as we would if we all lived in separate places. And I imagine in a house share you’d have to be somewhat mindful of your housemates when it comes to noisy or wild sex!

We share bills just as you would in a house share, although the percentages vary depending on DC’s income etc. We all come and go as we please and do our own thing. We split the chores. But yes we do have company if we want it. It works for us at this point in time. They are still “living their lives” and being “independent”. Living at home just affords them a cheap roof over their heads. I don’t do anything else for them. I know plenty of people who moved out, then still relied on mum to buy them groceries or help them clean their place, or getting dad round to do their DIY.