To not WANT , but accept,adult dc s may return to live in the family home?

[Waroftherosesandsome]

So many on mumsnet seem to really miss adult dc and hope or like that they will boomerang back home after uni etc.

I feel in a minority ,I do not want my adult dc to live with me . I see parenting as giving them wings to fly .. I also adore them ,they are lovely well rounded adults . They share their life with us on the phone,they visit.. often bringing friends who they know are most welcome here. We visit them amd treat them to nice meals out
,batch cook amd take stuff to pamper th etc.

What they also know is that we do not expect them to live with us as we dont want them to as we want our own space
..but that if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come.
They also know that we encorage independance.

I feel we are ready for this phase in our life and we enjoy doing our own things now such as say a quiet evening or something .
We are always going to support them emotionally or money wise ,but want our time.

On mumsnet I fear that them knowimg how we feel would be seen as harsh .
Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont. We make sure that they know we love them , that we will always help and want to see them but that we want our own time now .
I feel as if most parents of adult dc seem to want them to return home?. I really like and love them,but its not for us . .
Any other parents feel and say the same .. ? Feel like this is almost a taboo subject .

@Bluntness100

I’d have my daughter here permanently if I could but I know it’s not right for her so wouldn’t wish her to be forced back. For her sake not mine, I always feel complete when she’s with me.

She’s away back to her flat now after spender the last four months here due to lock down and I’m really sad about it, but I know it’s right for her. Ultimately I want what’s best for her,it’s not about me.

This is SUCH a perfect response.

Exactly how I feel too. I love my daughter so much, and would LOVE for her to come live back home, (or at least just a mile away!)

She lives 20 miles away, and until yesterday, we had not seen her since Christmas day. 3 and half months almost! If she had lived closer, we could have at least met for walks outside, and I could have seen her properly.

Whatsapp is a Godsend, but not the same as seeing her for real, and having a really good catch-up. The pandemic and the lockdowns have highlighted how near and yet so FAR, a 20 mile distance is. (She is in another county too, and during the 'tier' system, we were in different tiers, so could not meet up then either!)

When we saw her yesterday, she said to me and DH, she wishes we all lived closer, as she really missed seeing us SO badly. So she feels the same. There are a couple of reasons why none of us can move a this point in our lives, which I won't go into on here... But maybe in a few years.......

We know a few people in our village who have 5-10 relatives living within a mile, and I was SO envious of how they could keep seeing each other/going for walks etc, but me and DH had to wait nearly 3.5 months to see our daughter.

Like bluntness though, I am happy that she is independent, and happy with her boyfriend, in their new home they bought last year. She left 8 years ago (for uni) and never came back, but she would always be welcome.

@Waroftherosesandsome YABU in my opinion. I guess you are entitled to feel how you do, and I don't judge people who are glad to see the back of their kids, (and I am sure they would help them/have them back if they really needed it....) But don't make it CLEAR to your kids that you don't want them back - ever. That's just cruel!

As I said, I would not mind at ALL if DD wanted to come back. Although, as bluntness said, I do want what's best for her, and not me! And being independent, and standing on her own two feet, is best for her. But I (and DH) would always be there for her, to pick her up if she falls. Even when she is 60! (If we live that long!!!)

Where I live house prices/rents are off the scale. While I would love my DCs to walk into jobs which meant they were able to afford I recognise it is highly unlikely. House prices are double what they were in the mid 2000’s, salaries certainly haven’t for most people. If it was the 1980’s I’d be expecting DCs to leave as teenagers and rent a room, or get a council house. Times have changed. Plus some careers require young people to effectively work for free for the first few years of their lives. I’d rather my DC had the option to stay and save for a deposit than feel like they have to leave as soon as they are 18 and struggle for years. Housing cost have been difficult enough for my generation, I can see it’s going to be pretty much impossible for younger generations in many areas. This isn’t due to children who don’t want independence, or parents who are clinging onto them, but housing being thought of as property to make money on rather than a home and many people getting exploited due to this.

I don’t know how I’ll feel as mine are still quite young - but YANBU at all.

YANBU. I turned 18 and went to uni that year and my parents had taken over my bedroom within a week of me leaving. I couldn’t even go back for the holidays which was a pain as I had to fund my living for the summer and the loan doesn’t stretch that far but I understand why they did it.

My Dad left a few years later and my Mum really wanted me to move back home (she said so I could save for a house deposit but really I think she was lonely) but by this time I was in a different city and had spent all those years as a fully established adult and the only overnight visits I had home were for Christmas so I couldn’t think of anything worse than moving back in with her and sacrificing that freedom.

SinisterBumFacedCat why do you expect them to live in your area though?

When I was growing up nobody I knew who went away to university expected to return to their home town unless that was where the jobs in their chosen career were. Has that changed? I grew up in a rural area - everyone moved away, some returned in their 30s with a young family, most didn't.

I have made it very clear that my kids are welcome here as long as they want. We have plenty of space and I love having them around. That being said, it’s about them, not us and we will support them if they want to leave in the same way we would support them to stay. I would miss them so much, but I am happy if they are happy.

As an aside, I am early 40’s and could rock up to my own dm’s house now and be welcomed back with open arms. My dm encouraged us to try endless new experiences and to travel, and assured us that it didn’t matter if it didn’t work out, home would always be there. As a young person, this gave me a huge sense of security which encouraged more confidence and independence, not less. I hope my own kids feel the same way.

I don’t think YABU but I don’t feel the same. I was happy for mine to come back and save a house deposit for a few years whilst working away for short periods and/or spending lots of time with friends and partners whilst leaving an open door/hybrid arrangement until their mid twenties.

By mid twenties I’d had enough

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

SinisterBumFacedCat why do you expect them to live in your area though?

When I was growing up nobody I knew who went away to university expected to return to their home town unless that was where the jobs in their chosen career were. Has that changed? I grew up in a rural area - everyone moved away, some returned in their 30s with a young family, most didn't.

Where I live there are plenty of jobs but little affordable housing.

Not everyone goes to University. Not everyone can afford to.

Previously my family lived all fairly close to each other (not up the road) but in towns nearby which meant we had a support network.

Yes, kids will probably have to move far away, which is a real shame because for many people families are their communities.

We love our DD very much but “her” room is now our gym. If she NEEDED to come back then we would facilitate that but she is an adult finding her own way and we would encourage and help her to continue that.

I absolutely do not WANT her to come back and live here although it would have been nice to be able to see her over lockdown.....

Yanbu. Dd is 20yo and decided to go to the local uni. There are many days where I wish she’d moved out/away! Obviously we’re saving a lot of money having her live at home so the downsides are worth it. I do love her to bits but yes, am very ready for her to leave.

SinisterBumFacedCat university is a red herring (I'm just so used to that being MN / uk default). My kids probably won't go to university, certainly not straight after school, because it's not necessary the right or best path where we live (even though there are no fees) unless they want to do a vocational degree. It just seems almost all MN kids are expecting to go to university and feel its unfair if they can't then afford a flat then afew years later a house in the same town as their parents! I still couldn't afford to live where my parents do, so I live where I can afford to. One of my siblings returned in her 30s and has expected hand outs from my parents ever since - but nobody is entitled to live in a certain place, you have to cut your cloth!

You should raise your dc to be independent but wanting space from your own children is odd. The norm is to verbally encourage them to spread their wings while missing them greatly.

It probably makes a difference if you’re single or in a couple. I don’t “need” my house to myself as I’m single and so I’m not looking to have “alone time” with a partner. (Also not looking for a partner!) I don’t mind being alone, I have my 2 cats and am hugely introverted so it isn’t an issue. But likewise it’s not an issue to have DC here either. I’m genuinely not fussed either way.

Both mine have lived out. DD lived with a partner for 4 years but moved home after the relationship broke down. But she is planning to go to uni (long story why she didn’t go when younger) and she plans to live out again then. DS was working abroad but came home due to covid. He is currently looking for work here but he might go abroad again once things are better.

I don’t “mother” them. We tend to like different foods so cook for ourselves. They do their own washing etc and chip in with household chores. So there’s no arguments in that regard. We all get on well and have quite a spacious home so not on top of each other. I do like the company. It’s nice to have them to chat to. But they both know I’m fine with being on my own because I would never want to hold them back from going off and living their lives. But likewise they know they have a home with me whenever they need it.

Not everyone goes to University. Not everyone can afford to. that’s simply not true the full loan covers all living costs and accommodation in all but London and certain other areas in the South.
If they don’t qualify for the full loan it’s because the parents earn enough to make up the shortfall.

I want mine to be independent when ready to be but they will always have a home with us regardless of age and I love them being here and have never felt the need for space. I certainly don’t subscribe to the kick them out once 18 etc that many seem to do. Having been there as a young adult it’s awful and the feeling of not being wanted was awful.

@Waroftherosesandsome

ittakes2 Because I feel in a minority ? Because parenting expectation s seem to have changed ? Used to be cant wait for the dc to leave home .. now thats not said it seems.. because i was wanting to check if like minded folk around .. for when I feel unsure .. like lots of folk post about on this site ?!!!! They check thoughts and feelings out ???? !

Im with you OP. As it is my children are only with me 50% of the time - indeed maybe that influences me in that I know how to live well without them around - but I have always made it clear that post college (or apprenticeship or few years of starting work etc.) but by lets say 22 or 23 I expect them to be fully independent and not living with me except in situations of need rather than want or like. I wouldn't want it for them and I wouldn't want it for me. I make no apologies for it. I have a whole third chapter of my life that I want to have in my 50s and beyond, health and finances permitting, which may include moving or downsizing. I have a great relationship with my now teenage children and would want exactly as you describe when they are adults. If anything, I think continuing to live together as they go into mid and late 20s would jeopardise rather than cement our relationship

Everyone parents differently. While my adult DC would be welcome to live with me as long as they want to, and I would enjoy having them, I often feel judged as I don't believe in supporting them financially.
I think it's really important that they learn to pay their own way and live within their own means. I also don't believe in inherited wealth and the awful grabby attitudes and inequality its seems to foster in some.
I know this is a very unpopular view on here too but it doesn't change my mind.

Interesting comments. I wd actually love my dc to live near .. and call in each day for tea for eg ,but not live with us .
Its intresting that some posters say .. "well id love to have them home ,but its about them not me .. It led me to wonder if it sometimes about all of us ie parents and adult dc, rather than just what is best for the adult kids and parents fit round that ? Is a time when its not about singularly whats best for them ,but older parents feeling able ro say and consider their own needs indpendantly of the dc wishes . I mean if they were suffeering ,I would suffer . Amd would leap to help .I mean more.. the right to feel that you have the right to have your own space rather than accomadate others wishes etc first. Ie does it always remain about what is best for dc .. ? What about what parents want ? I am thinking that whilst we will always be parents .. will always suppport emotionally and practically.. is there a time when parents of adults can out themselves first ? Like some have said some downsize for this purpose ?!! . Am really debating rather than having fixed ideas .

If they don’t qualify for the full loan it’s because the parents earn enough to make up the shortfall.

But you’re very naive if you think all parents do actually make up the shortfall. So not everyone can afford uni. Some one I know was in this situation, they wanted to do a very demanding course but with the amount they’d have had to have worked as well, it was not an option.

Waroftherosesandsome: ".... if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come."

You said that and that is great. I well understand you wanting your own space and, let's face it, if they were not independent minded they wouldn't be considering staying with parents long term.

Have to admit I was delighted when my adult dc moved out as much as I love them. I would have been disappointed had they moved back but obviously I would have had them if they needed to come back. Ds2 jokes occasionally that he might come back purely because he knows how much I wouldn't want it. Not that he would, he has a home of his own.

Waroftherosesandsome many parents are putting themselves first wanting their adult children to remain partially dependent tbh. So many people end up tied into weird codependency with their parents well into middle adulthood.

DD is a student and really enjoying her independence. I know this is an unpopular opinion on mumsnet, but I really cannot understand parents who are so clingy and sob all summer at the thought of their child(ren) going away to university.

I totally understand the worry and apprehension that they may struggle to make friends and and/or struggle with their coursework, but the not wanting to let go is unhealthy. I do know of parents who guilt trip their DC into ringing or messaging them every day. I have never done that with DD. We touch base a few times a week, but more often than not it is over something trivial like me sending her a picture of a new born lamb or something similar.

I love DD to bits, and we are actually very close. She is always going to be welcome here, but she needs to be independent. She has no siblings, we have no family nearby, and we aren't getting any younger.

I think there is a period until they are established in a career when it's perfectly reasonable for adult DC to live at home. I get the empty nest thing, but several years of uni back and forth eases you out of that.
I thought mine were established away from home, elder one bought a house at 24 and younger one moved to a city. The pandemic meant one ended up home for six months which was an unexpected pleasure.
He's gone again and we have the house to ourselves but I'd have either of them home without hesitation if they needed it.

Honestly OP, I haven’t got a clue what you’re point is. Or the point of debating it. Your kids are grown up, just do what you want to. If that doesn’t fit what your kids would like, then they’ll probably not consider you as much going forward. You’ll have to accept that as a consequence of your choices.
I think this thread was designed to be a bit goady, but no one has really bitten. How disappointing for you.