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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not WANT , but accept,adult dc s may return to live in the family home?

135 replies

Waroftherosesandsome · 06/04/2021 13:19

So many on mumsnet seem to really miss adult dc and hope or like that they will boomerang back home after uni etc.

I feel in a minority ,I do not want my adult dc to live with me . I see parenting as giving them wings to fly .. I also adore them ,they are lovely well rounded adults . They share their life with us on the phone,they visit.. often bringing friends who they know are most welcome here. We visit them amd treat them to nice meals out
,batch cook amd take stuff to pamper th etc.

What they also know is that we do not expect them to live with us as we dont want them to as we want our own space
..but that if they ever needed a stop gap or a place to stay whilst saving etc
,then without question they could come.
They also know that we encorage independance.

I feel we are ready for this phase in our life and we enjoy doing our own things now such as say a quiet evening or something .
We are always going to support them emotionally or money wise ,but want our time.

On mumsnet I fear that them knowimg how we feel would be seen as harsh .
Our dc do say well other parents want their dc back as if that is a negative in us that we dont. We make sure that they know we love them , that we will always help and want to see them but that we want our own time now .
I feel as if most parents of adult dc seem to want them to return home?. I really like and love them,but its not for us . .
Any other parents feel and say the same .. ? Feel like this is almost a taboo subject .

OP posts:
DilemmaADay · 06/04/2021 16:10

Without disrespect to your parents @chronicallyCurious, I know a family who have done this. 18 year old DC leaves for uni and then their room gets taken over by excited parents who convert it into a study/extention/dressing room and the like. DC hates uni and gets told to suck it up as DParents have converted the room, and theres not even space for a blow up bed. DC has to stay with grandparents over Xmas as shes "an adult now and mum and dad need their own space".
DC moves to different uni accommodation and makes friends for life in the house share. DParents split up and DM and DF are each pulling the DC DC different directions begging them to move back in with the premise that she didnt enjoy living at uni before. DC flat out refused and felt like they had readily cast her aside soon as she went to uni, and now they're not living as a couple, suddenly want her back. She never moved home and relationships between the family are tense now. DC doesn't visit half as much as she would have done previously.

I'm not saying OP preserve their bedroom in exact perfect state, but make sure theres somewhere nice for them to sleep and they're always welcome. And please stop talking about your "own space", as your DD is aware but doesnt need it rubbing in.

mogloveseggs · 06/04/2021 16:24

Mine aren't fully grown yet but I'll be like you. Dh and I got together when Dd was 5 so we have a lot of living life as a couple to do when they move out and we're really looking forward to it.

ReadyPlayerGo · 06/04/2021 16:28

It’s depends on so many factors, namely space, resources and personalities.

I’d be happy for ours DSs to both live at home forever (must remember not to cry in front of them when they eventually leave 😂), but every family is different.

My friend’s son on the other hand, is jobless at 23 (2 years since graduating), makes no effort to find a job, smokes in her house, plays PlayStation continuously and keeps the opposite hours to her (up till 2/3am and sleeps till midday). I actually don’t know how/why she tolerates the behaviour. The son is totally antisocial. He didn’t even acknowledge Mother’s Day, which is just astonishing. So I can 100% understand why she would want him to live elsewhere.

DareIask · 06/04/2021 16:34

@Waroftherosesandsome I agree with you 100%

ChronicallyCurious · 06/04/2021 16:38

@DilemmaADay it’s sad it worked like that for your friends but my parents taking away my choice to come back home was the best thing they ever did for me. I know for a fact I would have dropped out of uni in first year and it stopped me from doing that. I also have my shit together a lot more than my friends who have moved back home after uni in terms of savings and getting a salaried job. My Mum regrets her decision now and asks me to move home every time I see her but I’m in my mid 20’s with a partner now and I have my own life.

OP, I don’t think it’s unusual to not want adult DC back. It’s nice to have a space for them if they want it though as I know that’s something my Mum regrets.

I know some friends who have bounced to and from home over the past few years and I know others who have asked and the parents have point blank refused to have them home.

DilemmaADay · 06/04/2021 16:43

@ChronicallyCurious, that's lovely and I'm glad it worked out well Smile I agree, different families have different reactions and it probably wasn't the option that best suited my friend.

ravenmum · 06/04/2021 16:50

I haven't read any threads about empty nest syndrome, must be on the wrong forums. But feeling a tweak in your heart when your children leave home, because it's such a huge symbolic change - and the fact that the house feels weird when they go - doesn't mean that you want to curtail their independence or treat them like babies. It just means that the transition is emotional.

I loved having the kids at home, as we got on really well. But if someone told me they wished their children could stay with them forever, I'd take it as just something you say to express how much you like that time. If someone told me they really wanted their children to live with them forever I'd think they had some kind of issues. Of course parents want their children to live their own lives. It's normal.

When I left for university at 18, my room was given to one of my sisters. The house was tiny so it would have been unfair not to. I didn't complain to my mum, obviously, but I did feel a bit jealous of people who were able to use their old home as a base for longer, as it's quite practical when you finish uni and have to go somewhere!

Pyewackect · 06/04/2021 17:06

You sound like my mother. She told everybody how she brought us up to be fit, healthy and independent but in reality she couldn't wait to see the back of us, and made no secret of it. Quite why she had children I'll never know. I haven't seen or spoken to her for so long now I don't know if she's alive or dead , and care even less.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 17:11

Not exactly the same but when df remarried and I was a young dc they quite quickly got a dpuppy. They spare room became ddog's room. No space for me to stay over they said. I wouldn't care but the tenancy they had was one gifted to my dm and df when THEY got married! Quite a sought after estate back in the day and dgf knew the owner..

Oblomov21 · 06/04/2021 17:12

No. I don't want this. It seems to happen a lot these days.
And MN'ers seem to want it more than most. But I definitely don't.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/04/2021 17:14

@Pyewackect

You sound like my mother. She told everybody how she brought us up to be fit, healthy and independent but in reality she couldn't wait to see the back of us, and made no secret of it. Quite why she had children I'll never know. I haven't seen or spoken to her for so long now I don't know if she's alive or dead , and care even less.
That is completely unfair and I think you know it. It is very sad that this was your experience with your mother but the OP sounds a loving, involved and caring parent, she just doesn't want her adult children living in her house with her. To me at least, and many others, this is eminently reasonable and healthy. If the criteria for being a parent - and by the way fathers are getting off very lightly here - was actively wanting our children to live with us indefinetely, there's few who would pass.
WellJuhnelle · 06/04/2021 17:24

My parents are very much like you, OP. I’m welcome to visit any time I like but they very much like their own space and have their own lives. We have a great relationship, I enjoy being in their company but equally I love coming back to my own house.

My husband’s parents are completely different though. They had their house extended in case in future their children wanted to move back in with their own families.

Out of his siblings, my husband is the only one who has his own house and I think his mum does resent it. She calls regularly complaining she is bored and she wants our children to go over. One of his sisters bounces back and forth to their house due to a rocky relationship, and his other sister lives with them full time at almost 40. They have such a weird co-dependent relationship and I do feel sorry for her that she hasn’t been able to live her own life.

I definitely feel lucky that my parents are like you and not like my in laws!

RampantIvy · 06/04/2021 17:26

@Pyewackect

You sound like my mother. She told everybody how she brought us up to be fit, healthy and independent but in reality she couldn't wait to see the back of us, and made no secret of it. Quite why she had children I'll never know. I haven't seen or spoken to her for so long now I don't know if she's alive or dead , and care even less.
I think you are projecting here. Your comments sound nothing like the OP's.
Crimeismymiddlename · 06/04/2021 17:30

My parents were very vocal about us leaving home ASAP. Not because they don’t love us but because they wanted us to have the fun independent bit of being young and the only responsibility is paying the rent on a room in a share house. Also I was VERY annoying.

notacooldad · 06/04/2021 17:34

I absolutely agree with you op and I will go as far to say I have groaned inwardly on occasion when Ds has turned up after a football match or something just as I've settled down to watch a film or something!!!

minipie · 06/04/2021 17:38

I think your approach sounds fine OP but with two caveats taken from PPs:

  • don’t spell it out to your kids that you really don’t want them to come and live back with you. That’s rubbing it in how much you prefer living without them and is hurtful. Since they haven’t asked to live with you (I think?) there’s no need to make it so clear.
  • don’t expect them to feel too many obligations to you, should you need a bit of help in future, if you’ve made it clear to them that you’d put your needs first. I really don’t mean this in a snarky way - you’ve not even suggested you would expect anything from them in future - just saying it works both ways.
minipie · 06/04/2021 17:39

@Crimeismymiddlename

My parents were very vocal about us leaving home ASAP. Not because they don’t love us but because they wanted us to have the fun independent bit of being young and the only responsibility is paying the rent on a room in a share house. Also I was VERY annoying.
😂 at the last line!
theleafandnotthetree · 06/04/2021 17:44

I think there is a bit of a match or mismatch of personalities factor to some of this and some nature/nurture factors. Both my parents are very independent, there for us but with boundaries and wouldn't have been up for us living at home long term. We have a good relationship but are definitely not in each others business all the time. I have a very similar personality, I do my own thing and expect the same of others, I would find it very hard to cope with a clingy parent, child, dog or partner. As it happens, my children seem to be quite like me in that respect and I think I will have a similar dynamic with them as I have with my parents. As to whether that's nature, nurture or being realistic about what to expect of others I don't know. I would imagine it would be very difficult for someone NOT like that, someone who needed a lot of nurturing, validation, who needed to be close all the time to rationalise it and not feel hurt by it. Would they be 'right' or just a different sort of person? My siblings and I have had a few partners fall by the wayside because there was a mismatch there. I hasten to add we are all loving, kind, supportive people (mostly) but we very much live our own lives and that's our comfort zone.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/04/2021 17:50

@minipie

I think your approach sounds fine OP but with two caveats taken from PPs:
  • don’t spell it out to your kids that you really don’t want them to come and live back with you. That’s rubbing it in how much you prefer living without them and is hurtful. Since they haven’t asked to live with you (I think?) there’s no need to make it so clear.
  • don’t expect them to feel too many obligations to you, should you need a bit of help in future, if you’ve made it clear to them that you’d put your needs first. I really don’t mean this in a snarky way - you’ve not even suggested you would expect anything from them in future - just saying it works both ways.
Yes but the OP has already fulfilled her end of the bargain of parenting, that's the point. It is not inadequete or sub-par or selfish to not want your perfectly healthy adult children not to live with you! She is not chucking out a 16 year old here. Once we become parents are we never to be allowed to put our needs first? And if we do, if lets say we downsize or decide to move to the sea, does that mean our children have license to wash their hands of us? Of course they can do that anyway but the people who treated their children the best do not necesarily get treated that way in their turn. Quite the opposite often
User57392985 · 06/04/2021 18:22

The housing market argument is a tale as old as time is it not? In the 80s my parents were meant to pay 15% interest on their mortgage (they couldn't afford to, so they didn't, but evidently they managed and it was stressful but it all worked out in the end. With 2 young kids I might add!). We pay 1.25% on our mortgage.

DH and I are millennials. I left school in the midst of the recession with basically zero prospects (my own fault). We are on our 3rd house. We are lucky in that we received an inheritance from DH's incredibly frugal grandfather, who lived in a very modest house and absolutely not a wealthy man, he didn't even have a car, he just secretly saved every penny. There are swathes of millennials in the same or better position. Just as generations before had inheritances and generations in the future will too. Same can be said for people with no wealth. You can't say 'oh poor millennials, they're screwed'. Every generation has had its shit!

SinisterBumFacedCat · 06/04/2021 19:15

Not everyone inherits. With increased life expectancy, dementia and care costs fewer people will.

Troublewaters2021 · 06/04/2021 19:24

I am 29 with 3 kids and I know that my parents would take me back with no such conversation of being a burden. Open door.
In fact my eldest can turn up and stay whenever he please same as my DN.
I always have the option of living with my parents no matter what happens. It did not make me less independent. I own my own house and have a good job and do not ask for anything. However I always know I will never be a burden to my parents and my kids to me.

TableFlowerss · 06/04/2021 19:32

@WellJuhnelle

My parents are very much like you, OP. I’m welcome to visit any time I like but they very much like their own space and have their own lives. We have a great relationship, I enjoy being in their company but equally I love coming back to my own house.

My husband’s parents are completely different though. They had their house extended in case in future their children wanted to move back in with their own families.

Out of his siblings, my husband is the only one who has his own house and I think his mum does resent it. She calls regularly complaining she is bored and she wants our children to go over. One of his sisters bounces back and forth to their house due to a rocky relationship, and his other sister lives with them full time at almost 40. They have such a weird co-dependent relationship and I do feel sorry for her that she hasn’t been able to live her own life.

I definitely feel lucky that my parents are like you and not like my in laws!

Your in laws do sound likely they have a big of a strange set up, codependency or something at 40 years old.... quite sad really
TableFlowerss · 06/04/2021 19:38

@Troublewaters2021

I am 29 with 3 kids and I know that my parents would take me back with no such conversation of being a burden. Open door. In fact my eldest can turn up and stay whenever he please same as my DN. I always have the option of living with my parents no matter what happens. It did not make me less independent. I own my own house and have a good job and do not ask for anything. However I always know I will never be a burden to my parents and my kids to me.
Obviously we don’t know your parents but clearly your independent so they don’t need to worry that you may take them up on their offer.

I assume many people feel like this about their parents actively wanting them back, but it would be interesting to know that if it came to the crunch and the adult turns up to the door wanting to move back in, whether the parents would genuinely be as delighted as they’ve made out.

Surely in the short term they would want to help but I suspect in many cases, if it was a permanent feature, they probably wouldn’t be as enthusiastic as hey once were

speakout · 06/04/2021 19:45

It is to do with realism though.
I my time I was off, housing was cheap, jobs easy to come by and I has a crap relationship with my mother.

Times are different now , it is harder for young adults.
My adult kids are welcome back for short stays, long stays, whatever.
Plus we love each other's company.