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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
BeagleEagle · 06/04/2021 08:13

@ScarfaceCwaw

If you can get them to fade now it's for the best

They'll fade by themselves. Cream will do absolutely nothing to hasten the process.

This is correct. If she has light skin they will essentially fade to practical invisibility, if darker they will go silver but that's part and parcel of life. Every teen gets stretch marks, mine are still here (very very very faded you couldn't tell if you didn't know) it's no big deal
Mousetown · 06/04/2021 08:14

[quote willowsway]@Mousetown yes, self care habits. Much better than foul mouth habits. Not once did I say stretch marks are unhygienic or the other things you said in your rant.
Self care isn't just hygiene you know.
Perhaps you should give it a try. It might make you less angry. [/quote]
Oh and if you think saying the word “fuck” once in a post is “foul mouth habits” Grin then you should probably step away from mumsnet.

SuperintendentHastings · 06/04/2021 08:14

My 14 year old DD has stretch marks as she's grown so quickly. I wouldn't dream of mentioning if to her, they're perfectly normal.

Somethingkindaoooo · 06/04/2021 08:15

@sticktomygun

Christ, can you back off policing and fixing everything you think is wrong with the young girl's developing body?

You are definitely giving her a complex, ffs.

Yes
likeamillpond · 06/04/2021 08:15

So many women get stretch marks that it's a female thing and we should stop women feeling embarrassed and ashamed about something that is natural to women.
It's the same with cellulite.

Stop making your daughter feel ashamed about something that's largely out of her control.

SpilltheTea · 06/04/2021 08:15

If she hasn't mentioned the stretchmarks and shaving, why on earth would you? Your poor daughter.

BeagleEagle · 06/04/2021 08:16

@Lessthanaballpark

I’m 50 and I still remember every single comment my parents ever made about my looks growing up. They didn’t make many but I still remember them to this day.

Please don’t do this to your daughter. Listen to your DH.

Trying to word this in a way that doesn't seem one uppy but conversely my parents never made a single comment about my looks (other than nice ones about things you can control like oh your hair is lovely today that dress is a nice colour on you) and I'm so pleased that they took that approach. I gained weight when I was 16 from spending my wage on fast food out of the house and mum didn't bring it up, I thanked her for it recently and she said yes I did notice but I know a phase when I see it and didn't want to make you feel self conscious.
SweetAsANutt · 06/04/2021 08:19

Why are you so obsessed with her changing body? How weird.

You're trying to make out you've been subtle about it but the damage is done. Not sure why you needed to put her breast size too Confused.

SuperintendentHastings · 06/04/2021 08:20

Im actually going to go against the other posts. I've a dd of a similar age.
I'd have done the same. At 14 they still need guidance and reminding to keep up new self care habits that previously weren't needed. I'd hate to have scars that weren't necessary because my dm didn't want to remind me that I needed to apply bio oil.
I think it's important to embrace our imperfections and accept them. That doesn't mean pretending they don't exist.

@willowsway do you believe that perfectly normal stretch marks are an 'imperfection'? In what way?

What do you mean by 'unnecessary scars'? You know that Bio Oil won't remove stretch marks and suddenly make skin 'perfect' again, right?

poundoflard · 06/04/2021 08:21

I'll go against the general thought here. I think this shows a lot of care and concern for your daughter.
I wish my mother had noticed me and given me some kind words and advice. All I got was at 17 was "let's hope you lose this weight when you start your periods". I'd had periods for years by then but she had never given me " the talk" or cared much about my development. I was given old hand me down bras from her friend. My sisters got the attention etc not me. I got fat, boobs, greasy hair stretch marks felt no one cared. I wouldve loved a parent who would hold my hand or talk to me.
I know my experience is different to many but if your daughter is comfortable then continue as you are.
You say she is withdrawn and shy. So was I but to know someone was on my side , like you are wouldve helped with my anxiety and stress. And probably not have the food issues I've had all my life.
You are not a shit mum at all. Be kinder to yourself.

Fembot123 · 06/04/2021 08:21

Is this what used to be called munchausens by proxy?

No 😂

ittakes2 · 06/04/2021 08:21

My daughter also developed quickly over lock down and came to me with stretch marks. I have teen stretch marks myself and regret not thinking to get her the cream before she developed them.
She has them now and they will fade but it will take ages regardless of the cream.
I got cream for my daughter because she was distressed - but if she ever mentions them I might remind her then the cream will help and also reasure her they are barely noticable and will fade in time. But I would never ever mention them myself - ultimately you can't get rid of stretch marks so you are unfort making her feel bad about her body.
Also the hair - if she wants it gone she will tell you. Leave it to her.

MsSquiz · 06/04/2021 08:21

Stop pointing out things with your daughter's body that you think she needs to change.

If she wants to shave her legs, she will. If she wants to do something about stretch marks, she will.

You are essentially pointing out "flaws" (by cultural norm standards) in your 14 year old! She's gone through huge changes and her mum is pointing out what is "wrong" with her, and how to "fix" them!

You will be making her self conscious!

Level75 · 06/04/2021 08:23

This looks like another case of someone asking for views and then completely ignoring the vast majority because they are critical.

All OPs resposes have been defensive and showed no recognition or acknowledgement of the issues flagged by others.

OP - Don't waste everyone's time asking if YABU if you're not interested in the response.

gannett · 06/04/2021 08:24

Really not sure why anyone thinks other people are not aware of their own bodies. Especially teenage girls!

"We don't comment on other people's bodies" is something you teach six-year-olds, fairly embarrassing that the mother of a teenager hasn't taken it in yet.

FindingMeno · 06/04/2021 08:27

We build our daughters up by telling them what beautiful people they are.

Fembot123 · 06/04/2021 08:28

OP - Don't waste everyone's time asking if YABU if you're not interested in the response

Everyone on here is wasting their own time, this post is school marmish in the extreme. The OP would be defensive as she has been ripped to shreds here, we are dealing with humans that make mistakes and owe you no acknowledgement

Feelinghothothottoday · 06/04/2021 08:29

Why are you obsessed with your daughter shaving her legs? Leave her alone. If she wants too she will. She might choose not too. Does it matter.

My 16 year old son DS has stretch marks over his back. I would my dream of nagging him to put oil on. If he asks I will advise. But that is it. I’m here to guide and assist but not tell - unless it’s dangerous etc.

SushiYum · 06/04/2021 08:30

Stretch marks are normal when you go through puberty quickly!! I’m skinny but still have stretch marks on my breasts as I basically developed over night aged 12/13. Your DD probably didn’t care. Now she’ll be body conscious as the bio oil won’t get rid of the stretch marks.

Throwntothewolves · 06/04/2021 08:32

I was always a really skinny kid and as a result I got stretch marks on my hips and inner thighs when I grew as a teen. No one said anything about them. I asked my Mum what I could do, she advised me to moisturise everyday and they would fade over time, which they did. The added bonus of all the moisturising was that I didn't get any stretch marks when pregnant. She would never have mentioned them to me otherwise because she believes we should be comfortable in our own bodies. As a result none of the family have hang ups about our physical appearance, though we all recognise we aren't perfect.

That's what to do. Be there to help and advise your DD, but don't draw attention to any flaws. If you have noticed, then she will wonder who else has.

Dumbledorker · 06/04/2021 08:36

My 10 year old daughter noticed stretch marks on her thighs and asked me what they were. I said "oh those!? They are called stretchmarks. Here look I have loads on my tummy from when I was pregnant with you. What happens is the skin grows really quick and can't keep up so kinda stretches in a way making these marks. They fade though after a while. Most people get them. Yours will be through puberty which is common. When I was your age I was quite shy about mine but we are super lucky now to be in a generation of girls and women who are really really vocal about body positivity and supporting one another regardless of how we look"

Later on she's literally showing her best friend her new stretchmarks on zoom and telling her exactly what I've just said.
Her best friend is looking on her body for some and trying to make every little mark a stretchmark to say she has them too.

You teach your daughters to own them.

Lovemusic33 · 06/04/2021 08:36

Both my teens have stretch marks, dd1 got them around 13/14 years old, she’s very much like your dd and very young for her age, she has Aspergers, started periods at 12 and large busted, she has stretch marks in her boobs, legs and hips. I have stretch marks too from when I was pregnant, she sees me with them so sees it as normal, it is normal so we don’t really make a big deal out of it. They will lessen in colour as they get older wether they use products on them or not.

SuperintendentHastings · 06/04/2021 08:37

I wish my mother had noticed me and given me some kind words and advice.

@poundoflard I really don't think that potentially making a child self conscious about a perfectly normal thing like stretch marks is a 'kind word'.

HelenHywater · 06/04/2021 08:37

How odd. Yes you are being unreasonable.

(and to pp yes I have teenage girls).

Coincidentally we were talking about stretchmarks at dinner the other night (it's so much fun in our house!), my 3 girls were just commenting on the stretchmarks they and their friends have. (One has them on her back apparently). No judgment, and no comment. Just a part of someone's body.

And yes please stop pressing razors into her hand.

Nith · 06/04/2021 08:37

Why are you obsessed with your daughter shaving her legs?

To be fair, OP has nowhere indicated that she's obsessed with this.

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