To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

@EarringsandLipstick

I think I'm the sole voice supporting OP here!

I'm going on OP's own words here - she noticed her DD had stretch marks, has not commented negatively & has bought her Bio Oil to use, which she reminds her of.

I don't think that's awful. I also have a young teen DD. I think a teen (especially a shy one) won't know to say anything about stretch marks, or that possibly cream / oil will help.

I think if it's a practical gesture, no judgment, then it's fine.

A lot of posters are projecting their own memories of mothers who commented negatively about their weight or appearance. My mum didn't do this but was more hands-off than I'd have liked, and I was a bit clueless. I'd quite have liked some more involvement or suggestions in this area.

OP, I think as a practical step this is fine.

She drew her daughter's attention to stretch marks, indicated they were flaws and snake oil garbage could remove them - which we all know it doesn't.

THEN, she nags her about using that garbage to correct her 'flaws'.

Re-read the OP's posts, ask any Child Psychologist or Therapist. What the OP is doing is classified as bullying and is deeply, deeply harmful.

Honestly the only thing you need to remind her to do is wear deodorant. Ignore the hair and stretch marks, being hairy isn't a big thing anymore and really we need to stop promoting shaving as women if you personally want to that's fine but who cares I love my leg hair it's auburn and shines beautifully in the sun.

Its such a strange, almost gleeful OP. If your 14 year old daughter doesn't care about minor stretch marks and shaving her legs, why on earth would you be pushing her into it?

Its up to her, when she's ready, if she wants to. No harm will befall her if at age 14 she doesn't think about shaving her legs. Plenty of adults don't shave their legs. Stretch marks will likely go away on their own.

Its not a health issue, so why would you want to make her paranoid and beauty conscious when she is only a child?

Is she coming to you and asking how to get rid of them? Or are you going to her and telling her she needs to get rid of them. Stretch marks are just what happens to a body when you grow, there's no harm in them at all.

I would say you are being unreasonable. She has a body that is growing, of course, she will have stretch marks. They're a natural, normal thing that she does NOT need to be trying to get rid of. Don't entertain her insecurities by 'reminding' her she needs to get rid of them. When she uses that stuff don't comment on it. When she says she hates her body, tell her her body is beautiful and amazing, it carries her through the day gets her up and about, and is perfectly normal. She's a teenage girl, she will pick up on everything she could be insecure about possible, don't make it easier for her to feel insecure.

I know you're trying to help her feel good in her skin, but the best way forward isn't to remind her to use a product to make her beautiful. It's to remind her that she's beautiful regardless of product use.

Haven’t RTFT, just OP’s posts. OP, your assumptions leaped out at me here (italics mine): She... hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her
Why is it a yet? You’re assuming it’s a given that she will shave, that she will care about the stretch marks, that she will apply the oil. None of this is set in stone. When you offered to show her, was that because she asked, or because you decided it was time for her to start? Really, you need to leave her body alone.

@Shitmotherright

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people. She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc. She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it. DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?' She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body. AIBU?

My question is, why is it so important to have a ‘perfect’ body; who does your DD have to please?

I don't think OP should be policing the application of the bio oil, but I, for one, am glad I had a mum who helped me navigate stuff like this. We see posts on here all the time from women who felt neglected by their parents when they weren't helped through puberty with advice and help to purchase certain products.

I'm reading this post with interest because I recently pointed out some blackheads on my sons face by buying him some products to use and my husband thought I was wrong to do so. However, I did it with good intentions, I didn't want friends pointing it out and then him feeling embarrassed to come and speak to me about it.

Wow, who needs enemies eh

@NC4N

I read this thread to my DH. I didn't tell him what I thought, just read it and asked him what he thought.

'I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.'

His response? 'Well she's already made her conscious of her body.'

Just let that sink in for a moment. Two men (your partner and mine) who already have more of a clue than yourself about how this would make a young girl feel.

He did add that 'perhaps the reality of how she's going about things is different, but from how she's described it in her post, it's not right.'

Sorry OP but women shaming their daughters body has to stop, hence MY bluntess.

Well THANK GOD a man has weighed in with his opinion. Us silly woman just can’t agree , best get a man in to sort it out 🙄

Surely though there is a difference between letting your children know they can come to you with any questions - and pointing out flaws and trying to shame them into applying all this cream and shit on them in the false hope it will remove or even fade the marks and trying to shame them into shaving their legs?

There is a balance, surely. It's not either extremes. I would not have wanted my mum pointing out my stretch marks (as if I had never noticed them) or encouraging me to grow up before my time such as with shaving. And I think I did a pretty good job with my daughter. I never pointed out any flaws, and she felt she could come to me for advice or questions.

Thats all any mother need do. It's not either/or.

Bloody hell, OP!

@Cokie3 maybe try doing some reading? Just because you don’t know about something doesn’t mean it ceases to exist for the rest of the world 🙄

There is a natural tendency to think that our children value what we would have valued at their age. I made this mistake with one of my children - not stretchmarks as we don't get them - but some other appearance thing. I thought I was being helpful in the way I'd have liked my own mother to have been helpful. It has taken a long time to repair the relationship with my child. Times have also changed and young people value different things. Sometimes you just have to step back which can be the hardest thing to do when you think if they'd just get with the program everything would be so much better.

You're being extremely unreasonable and the lack of understanding you've shown is concerning. I dread to think what else you're saying to the poor girl.

Gosh, quite a pile-on here.

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to offer to show her DD how to shave her legs. The fact is that most women do shave, and I've seen lots of threads on MN where women have complained that their mothers didn't guide them with personal grooming, and they felt resentful that they were left to work it all out for themselves.

I think OP is just approaching stretch-marks from the same position.

@Shitmotherright if you're still reading, the stretch marks will fade naturally and bio-oil etc won't make any difference, so there probably isn't anything to be gained by pointing them out, but I think it's fine to buy her a razor and tell her that, should she want to shave, you will help her and show her what to do.

Very unsettling thread OP. Daughter is already vulnerable and you put extra pressure on by focussing on her looks at a critical time in development. Your DP is right, don't do it.

Bio oil was horrible on my skin, just sat on the surface and did nothing. Cocoa butter makes stretch marks go away - temporarily anyway. I have them from growing fast in puberty but not from pregnancy!

Don't go on about it though other than to give her a nice moisturiser to use "if it bothers you" and to say they are normal and nothing to worry about. It will give her a complex.

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to offer to show her DD how to shave her legs

Of course it is. It's telling the DD that she needs to change how she looks. After that it'll be something else that needs to change? I didn't need anyone to 'show' me how to shave my legs fgs.

Not sure the bio oil will even do anything so “ don’t forget to apply your cream “ is really in no way helpful and prob just making her feel like they are something bad that she needs to get rid off .

They’ll fade anyway it’s reall not a big deal

Yanbu, it's a difficult topic and I would be grateful if someone had given me some cream before they set in.

You're going to MAKE her self conscious of her body. She owns a mirror, she knows they are there. Leave her alone ffs.

I had two comments about my stretch marks. They were bright red on my chest.
My mum who said “oh my god those stretch marks you’ll never be able to wear low cut tops”.
And two cunts in the changing rooms who pissed themselves at the “claw marks” on my chest. They were generally wankers. I remember the comments more than I remember the stretch marks. I only remember being self conscious about them during these incidents. They aren’t noticeable at all now (and I did not use bio oil).

[quote HowManyToes]@Cokie3 maybe try doing some reading? Just because you don’t know about something doesn’t mean it ceases to exist for the rest of the world 🙄[/quote]
Are you ok, you seem to have anger issues. 🙄 I note in that paragraph you post that there are no bibliographical numbers/references. I find it hard to believe anyone thinks there can be "no consent in heterosexual relationships". I'd like to see references for this.

Historically it is men who call feminists 'radical' for the mere idea that women want to be treated equally. So you will excuse me if I treat with suspicion anyone who uses the term 'radical' feminism.

It is striking that you say she's clingy and still holds hands etc at 14 OP....

The girl needs help.