To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

It sort of sounds like you have an issue with the stretch marks

Given her cream is one thing but then policing the use off it and reminding

This is your problem, not hers.

Yes, are you being very unreasonable. There is NOTHING you can do for stretch marks, and no snake oil cream or oil or rubbish will do anything but give her a complex. I developed breasts when I was 9 to 10, and got my periods when I was 10, but the time I was 11 I had coconuts on my chest, basically, and very bad stretch marks. And you know what? My mother never said anything to be because a) stating the obvious would not have done anything but make me more self-conscious and for a sensitive child, it would have destroyed me (your daughter) and b) there is NOT.....ONE......THING you can do about it, anyway. You are going to destroy your daughter's confidence to the extent she may be afraid to go out uncovered at all. You've been very cruel and irresponsible. And please stop giving her false hope by telling her to put rubbish on her as if it would help. It won't, you and I both know it. Throw the garbage out and stop mentioning and harassing her about it. Unless you want her to think stretch marks are abnormal (they're not, they're totally normal), that she is a freak and needs to cover up head to toe and/or not be seen in public. You are destroying her confidence and picking on her for something that is completely normal. How about teach her to love her body and love her stretch marks, instead of making her feel ashamed of them. The harm you are doing may be irrevocable, so please stop and just leave her alone. It's hard enough dealing with bullies mocking your body at school when your biggest bully is at home and supposed to love you.

Speaking as someone who wishes their Mother had taught her even just a smidgeon of basic self-care, hygiene and “beauty” stuff so I didn’t grow up looking like a pigeon dragged through a hedge, you are being very unreasonable and OTT.

Buying the bio oil I think is fine; reminding her to use it? No way. Please stop.

*but the time I was 11

should be

by the time I was 11

What's so terrible about having a few stretch marks? Most people have them - it's normal. You seem to be making a huge deal over nothing.

Bio oil doesn’t work.

But the bigger issue is the knock to your Daughters self esteem. She’s seen the stretch marks. She knows they’re there. Please stop talking about.

Oh and if you think saying the word “fuck” once in a post is “foul mouth habits” grin then you should probably step away from mumsnet.

Step FAR away from mumsnet . . .

Sretchmarks are completely normal and MANY people have them either from growing or losing weight quickly for a majority of reasons - puberty, pregnancy, the gym. You are completely out of order for drawing attention too and making an issue of something she has no control over and that the majority of people have, including men. Leave her alone.

@Shitmotherright there’s nothing wrong with buying her bio oil.
You care about your daughter and are trying to help her.
I was grateful when I was introduced to bio oil when I was pregnant to help with stretch marks why is this any different?
I was more than happy when my dad took me to a dermatologist to help sort out my acne on my face, it was bothering me although I never mentioned it.
Sometimes we all need a helping hand to get something sorted, it is in way pointing out flaws.
Problem arises when a parent dwells on it in a negative manner. How they approach the subject is also important.
You are a good parent x

@Gwenhwyfar Yes, I got that she'd OFFERED, hence my referencing that word in my reply. And if you want to participate in female body-hating bullshit that's up to you, but maybe we could leave off branding it on our daughters' psyches and maybe having a conversation with them about why it's total bullshit if and when they bring it up, rather than just going along with it like it's totally normal? I'm a feminist too, but I get that not everything I do is compatible with feminism because we live in a sexist society. That's what makes it so fucking hard.

@Gwenhwyfar

"But it's not essential, is it? It's not even helpful, ultimately. Have you brushed your teeth- that's essential and fine to remind about. Same with things like homework."

If bio-oil works, then it's helpful, isn't it?
I definitely wish I'd known some things like that when I was younger, the main one being how ageing the sun was. Yes, there are people who don't care about ending up older than they are, but most people would rather avoid it.

There's no real evidence to state it does work- the studies carried out into it thus far have been small, low quality and funded by the manufacturer.

So no, it's not helpful.

'What Does the Evidence Say – Does Bio Oil Work For Stretch Marks?
The manufacturer lists 14 studies on their website that support Bio-Oil’s effectiveness for skin care. Although, these trials state positive results there are some shortcomings. First, the number of participants seem surprisingly low and second, no citation is provided for further investigation into the validity of the results.

After we researched this a little more, we found one individual study supporting the claim that Bio-Oil will improve stretch marks in the abdomen of women[2]. However, the trial had a small sample size of only 20 women, was funded by the product manufacturer, and is conducted in South Africa where Bio-Oil® was founded[2]. The study did not test it on pregnant and breast-feeding women but the product states that women can begin applying Bio-Oil at the beginning of the second trimester, twice daily for a minimum of three months to minimize the appearance of stretch marks.

Another review found that there was no high-quality evidence to support the use of any particular topical preparation to help prevent stretch marks during pregnancy[10]. Some clinical practice guidelines state that some “topical preparations might reduce incidence of stretch marks” but no published results of a particular product have been that significant12. Overall, there is a lack of convincing evidence for the efficacy of Bio-Oil for stretch marks.'

www.thehealthaisle.com/products/bio-oil-miracle-product-stretching-truth/

There's this one too, but it doesn't mention bio oil by name in the discussion:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5057295/

I was grateful when I was introduced to bio oil when I was pregnant to help with stretch marks why is this any different?

@CovidHalloween Did the person who introduced you to it nag you to use it frequently, despite you having shown no interest in it or concern about your stretchmarks at any point?

@MrsTreglowan

Poor kid having her body shamed on the internet

It's hardly being body shamed is it. The holding hands thing is 100 times more embarrassing imo, but luckily she's anonymous.

Bio oil does not work. It is absolute garbage!

But imo the OP seems quite shallow and its trying to change the girl's appearance. I started shaving my legs around 15 I think, but I know mum kept saying the later you start, the better, don't be in a hurry to start that because once you start, that's it. She's only 14 and the OP is trying to get her to shave her legs (when most parents would try to discourage their daughters from shaving their legs), is drawing attention to stretch marks (as if the poor girl doesn't know they're there), and buying commercial crap for him to put on with the false promise that it will help. Added all together the OP sounds very shallow and superficial imo and desperate to make her daughter grow up before her time and think being flawless is the only acceptable marker. That type of parenting is damaging and the worst possible method of parenting a teenage girl.

Don't buy snake oil garbage and make her think it's a solution.
Don't encourage her to shave her legs (discourage it if you can).
Don't draw attention to her stretch marks. Or her weight. The best thing you can do as a mother of teen girls (and speaking as a mother of a teenage girl about to leave her teen years behind) is don't mention her appearance AT ALL. Leave her alone. Talk about her grades, her friendships, her hopes and dreams, education etc. But NEVER talk about appearance.

"There's no real evidence to state it does work- the studies carried out into it thus far have been small, low quality and funded by the manufacturer.

So no, it's not helpful."

No evidence to say it works is not the same as evidence to say it doesn't work. OP presumably suggested it in good faith.

My goodness, I've just remembered all in a horrible flash my mother buying me bio oil when I was pregnant with DS1 and then repeatedly asking me if I was using it and if it was working and did I need any more. Just "reminding me". I put it on a few times but it was slimy and turned my nightie a funny colour so I stopped. To be honest I was quite looking forward to "letting myself go a bit" when pregnant and postpartum!

I think I lied for a while and said I was using it but eventually said I'd stopped and got treated to a big lecture about how she was just trying to help. Help? By wasting her money, giving me an extra chore and more clutter, and telling me there was something I HAD to fix about myself?

Remember those consent cartoons about unconscious people not wanting tea? People who don't think there's a problem don't want bio oil.

"as if the poor girl doesn't know they're there)"

She might not know exactly what they are if she's not interested in reading about beauty etc.

I always think this page is full of radical feminists, but then there's a post like this. YABU.

You were presumably not 14 though Perspi and could have bought it yourself if you wanted to.

Who decided stretch marks were bad? Almost all of have them. Both of my sons do because of growth spurts.

My dd is 13 and developed very early. She has stretchmarks on her boobs and legs and I feel really sorry for her. It's not nice. She doesn't seem too worried about it though and carry's on wearing shorts etc. I wish I could have been more like her at the age! I covered up my stretchmarks abs still do now, I never wear shorts/skirts in the summer! I don't meant in it to her at all, she is fully aware they are there and asked me once what she could do about It. I said I'd get her some bio oil and she has been using it but I don't ever mention it. It's hard enough for teenage girls without extra pressure/worry about their appearance.

No evidence to say it works is not the same as evidence to say it doesn't work. OP presumably suggested it in good faith.

No doubt, but that doesn't make her nagging helpful, does it? If I, in good faith, believe eating yoghurt will cure acne, notice my teen has spots so buy them yoghurt and keep pestering them to see whether they've eaten it or not, am I being helpful?

I can still remember very clearly my dad saying to me when I was a self conscious 14 year old with acne “look at the state of your skin, it’s an absolute mess”. His exact words are still remembered 40 years later. Did untold damage to my self esteem. Leave the poor girl alone.

@steff13

Who decided stretch marks were bad? Almost all of have them. Both of my sons do because of growth spurts.

I think most people would prefer not to have them. I also don't agree that everyone has them if that's what you meant. I've heard of mothers being proud of them after giving birth, but that would probably not be the same for people who have them because of growth spurts.

"If I, in good faith, believe eating yoghurt will cure acne, notice my teen has spots so buy them yoghurt and keep pestering them to see whether they've eaten it or not, am I being helpful?"

No, but it's not as random as yogurt for acne is it? More like if you bought them spot cream that many people believed worked, but hadn't been proven.