To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

YABU. These are the kind of ‘well intended’ comments from my DM and Nana that massively contributed towards my eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

Leave her alone.

Bio oil doesn't fix them, anyhow.

Our neighbour’s son has developed very pronounced stretch marks over the past couple of months. He’s 13 and grown a foot in the past six months. It’s down to speedy growth of any kind. I don’t think you will have given her a complex as long as you are doing it in a loving way not in a critical way. Make it clear this is very common (although it doesn’t happen to everyone) and you are there to help. Same with the shaving. Show her how, be loving and supportive and emphasise that these things whilst challenging are all a part of becoming a woman, and that is exciting.

I don’t think it’s about ‘correcting flaws’ it’s about drawing alongside your daughter in a supportive and loving manner.

Buying oil for her and reminding her to put it on IS making a big deal of it. YABU.

My mum pointed out my stretch marks as a teen. I knew I had them and covered them up as they were at the top of my legs. It really upset me and I just wish she hadn’t said anything. They’ve totally faded now with no intervention. Leave her be.

This thread is creepy and gross.

Being a parent is hard OP, I think you're doing a great job. It's good to care and show your daughter how to care for herself. That's what the mums role is.

This must be a parody, or a sock puppet. Just in case it isn’t...No, that’s not what the mum’s role is.

I wish my mum had been more aware of my bodies issues and given me recommendations, reassured me that all was normal. She didn't and it took a long time to be happy with my body realising that my fleas were no different to most.

There are things that could have been done though if my mum had pointed them out. I was too embarrassed to go to her to ask for her support.

Shitmotherright
Your partner is right, as are most of the posters here.

Stop going on about your daughter's APPEARANCE!

It's not a health or hygiene issue at all so shut up passing comments on her body and what you think she ought to do to 'fix it'
LEAVE HER BODY ALONE

Why are you offering to show your daughter how to shave? Why would you want her to participate in this bullshit patriarchal woman-hating ritual? Hair is normal and natural. I find it so depressing that we women are actively doing misogyny's work.

My parents and sister’s remarks about my changing teenage body caused me years of bulimia so be careful there.

"Stretch marks are a perfectly normal occurance, in males and females, and not something to be made to feel poorly about."

Yes, but most people don't want to have them. I presume it's easier to lighten them if you start straight away. I don't think YABU OP. If you didn't try to help, it might be something she'd regret you didn't do in the future.

"Also, why are you at all bothered about whether or not she is shaving?

Some women shave and others don't. None of anyone else's business."

Yes, nobody's business, but when you're young you might not have your own money to buy a razor so a parent can help. One of the things that comes up in benign neglect threads is women complaining they were never shown how to shave their legs. Now, I don't think that's parents' responsibility and you can learn on your own, but it does show that some women would have liked some help, or maybe at least to be told that it's OK to do so if you want to.

Poor kid having her body shamed on the internet

I have severe stretch marks - I wish my mum had done this tbh. The bio oil is fab. As long as you are just saying it in a loving way I don’t see the problem.

@sticktomygun

Christ, can you back off policing and fixing everything you think is wrong with the young girl's developing body?

You are definitely giving her a complex, ffs.

This. Also, it's part of a much larger societal issue with women's bodies. So sad.

I suspect that most commenting have never had a teenage girl.
They are obsessed with their asses and six packs these days. Unless I put on Tiny Pop, that's the media they consume. Tits, ass, fashion

Your might be. Please do not speak for mine, who absolutely is not.

"I have never criticised her weight and never would.
At no point did I say she was overweight, she definitely isn't

Maybe not in so many words, but you have definitely hinted at it."

I've just re-read OP's posts and she hasn't hinted at it at all!

Please please don't encourage her to shave her legs! I wish so much that I had never shaved mine as shaving through my teens and 20s made my leg hair SO much thicker and darker. Let her come to her own decisions about whether she even wants to get rid of her leg hair, and then if she does please strongly encourage her to wax or epilate as if she shaves the hair will just grow back thicker whereas if she waxes the opposite will happen.

"But it's not essential, is it? It's not even helpful, ultimately. Have you brushed your teeth- that's essential and fine to remind about. Same with things like homework."

If bio-oil works, then it's helpful, isn't it?
I definitely wish I'd known some things like that when I was younger, the main one being how ageing the sun was. Yes, there are people who don't care about ending up older than they are, but most people would rather avoid it.

@Yeval

Why are you offering to show your daughter how to shave? Why would you want her to participate in this bullshit patriarchal woman-hating ritual? Hair is normal and natural. I find it so depressing that we women are actively doing misogyny's work.

She has OFFERED, not forced her. I'm a feminist, but I also live in the real world so I will choose to participate in the bullshit patriarchal woman-hating ritual if my legs are going to be on show. (Don't shave in the winter) Most women do in my experience so OP is just being unrealistic there.

" I wish so much that I had never shaved mine as shaving through my teens and 20s made my leg hair SO much thicker and darker. "

This is a complete myth. They don't grow back thicker and darker, they just look like this. Use Google if you don't believe me.
Waxing is an expensive option for a 14 year old and salons closed anyway.

@Mousetown

Just reread your post and can’t get over the “have you put your cream on?” comment.

Fucking hell.

This. You sound like my hypercritical mother, I had a lifetime of her so-called ‘helpful/for your own good’ criticism/comments. Poor lass.

I don’t necessarily agree with other that she will notice things herself. Not all teenage girls are obsessed with their appearance especially if she’s not use to going out and hanging around with girls who do care about these thing.

I would definitely say be careful how you recommended or suggest things though. All of my body issues have stemmed from my mothers obsession with my my appearance. I pretty much did the opposite of everything she “suggested” or went on about.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with teacher your DD how to take care of her body though, I guess it just depends on how you manage it.

I’ve started early with mine. She’s 9 next week and still thinks I know things. My thinking is that if I can get her into certain daily habits and she educated on what’s going to happen and what she needs to do then she prepared and ready for the changes that are going to happen.

Oh OP, you're obviously trying to be helpful but please stop. Do not notice your daughters flaws unless she notices them first and then you can be there for her and help.

Being a teenager is so hard, especially nowadays with social media, which makes it even more important for your daughter to not feel self conscious at home. When she needs you she will come.

OP I imagine with DDs social issues that’s contributing to your desire to help in this way - you want to avoid any causes of her to need to feel self conscious or down about herself in the future/ help her fit in socially? I can totally understand that if so.

However, having been a painfully self conscious, shy teen myself I have to agree with the majority that commenting on her body is liable not only to make her more self conscious/ shy/ clingy but also introduce a world of new insecurities and anxieties.

Particularly in a world where teens spend their entire existence feeling looked at and judged, home really should be a safe space where her body receives zero comment - much less advice for improvement - at all.

In my experience whether you have stretch marks or not counts NOTHING compared to how you feel about them. Put your efforts into helping her be the kind of girl/ woman who doesn’t care.