To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

[Shitmotherright]

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

i would be more concerned with getting her to be a bit more independent personally than worrying about the stretch marks , my dd is a bit shy and can be clingy , but shes happy to go off without me and would kill me if i tried to hold her hand in public . i think these are the things you need to focus on , getting her out of herself and less dependent on you . she will shave her legs when shes ready , my dd lives in shorts as soon as it gets warm and her legs now have hairs , she knows i shave mine , im assuming she will ask me when shes ready , i dont think you need to make as issue of this , her stretch marks will fade , i got them when i was 13 . i honestly dont believe bio oil and all the rest of those expensive oils and creams work a damn on fading them . its just stuff marketed to make money on peoples insecurity the same as all those hundreds of anti wrinke creams

Agree with not drawing attention to the stretch marks, I was v skinny but have them on my hips. Re the shaving I think we can support this as parents and fully believe if your daughter wants to shave her legs then we can gently support her to do so. I had thick dark very noticeable hair on my legs which I hated. My mum strictly forbade me to shave them and I became extremely self conscious. Eventually I shaved them anyway, I was about 12. She was horrible to me about it. I've never forgotten it. Just to offer another perspective, breezily going on about how things are "normal" and "natural" can be dismissive and invalidating.

My dd is now 14 and has been shaving since age 12, again due to having very pale skin and thick, long dark leg hair. I've fully supported her with it and signed up for a razor subscription for her. I never pointed it out to her, she asked and I supported her. If she decides to stop shaving that's fine too.

By constantly reminding her of the bio oil you are more or less saying 'I'm noticing those stretchmarks, I don't like them so get rid of them'.
By offering to show her to shave you are are more or less saying 'I'm noticing you have body hair, I don't like it so I'm asking you about shaving' You are drawing attention to your own focus on her appearance.
Are you a bit worried about how she appears to others?
The stretchmarks will fade away bio oil or no bio oil. A lot of teens get those stretchmarks after a growth spurt.
She'll figure out her own appearance.
If you DP kept saying to you 'when are you dying your hair, it doesn't look great' or 'did you not shave under your arms this week?'
How would that feel? Would it make you feel like a child or an adult? Would you think it was him criticising your appearance?
Likewise if your DP kept commenting on how 'nice' that outfit or this outfit is, the same thing. 'oh I really like that pink t shirt, why don't you wear that today?' If he kept doing that you'd never be able to make a decision on your own about what you should wear.
You can't treat her like a child yet expect her to become more independent. It doesn't work.
It's best to stop picking up on her appearance.

My DS developed some very deep stretch marks all most overnight at about the same age. Nothing to do with weight or growth but a symptom of Hypermobility Syndrome.

YABU, mainly because Bio Oil doesn’t get rid of stretch marks. The skin is stretched from the inside, not the outside. Creams don’t help. They will fade to a silvery white entirely on their own.
Stretch marks are not a flaw. They are not in imperfection. They do not indicate a lack of self care or poor hygiene. Reminding a teen to wash/brush their teeth? Fine. Reminding them to put cream on in the vain hope that it will get rid of a perceived flaw? Wrong.

I dont think you have been unreasonable at all and she will likely thank you in the future for your help and thoughtfulness. I was a late developer as a teen. I was still playing with dollys at 13 etc. My mum encouraged me to start shaving so i wouldn't get bullied during p.e etc. I too had stretch marks and got bullied for them also so deffo would have appreciated it if my mum helped with something that could help disguise them!! I think you're a brilliant mum and handling this spot on. Of course its a sensitive subject but im sure you are dealing with it in a way sonyour daughter doesnt feel insecure etc.

@Thatsmoneyhoney

I dont think you have been unreasonable at all and she will likely thank you in the future for your help and thoughtfulness. I was a late developer as a teen. I was still playing with dollys at 13 etc. My mum encouraged me to start shaving so i wouldn't get bullied during p.e etc. I too had stretch marks and got bullied for them also so deffo would have appreciated it if my mum helped with something that could help disguise them!! I think you're a brilliant mum and handling this spot on. Of course its a sensitive subject but im sure you are dealing with it in a way sonyour daughter doesnt feel insecure etc.

Except Bio Oil doesn’t help to disguise them.

I suspect there’s a connection between her complete lack of confidence and the way you treat her

I agree with Remaker that while it's important to make sure a 14-year-old is aware of these sorts of body changes and discuss options that are available (which in this case are none for getting rid of them, though lotion can make them more comfortable if the skin is inflamed), going on about them has far more risks than benefits.

Do you all just accept your bodies with flaws and ignore them? I don't think you do!

It's one thing to be critical of ourselves, it's another to have someone who is meant to fully accept us keep pointing out our flaws over and over - even more so to a child displaying signs of being emotionally vulnerable.

When I was in an emotionally bad place as a young teen, I ended up shaving off my eyebrows because my mother would not stop commenting that I needed to deal with them and would make remarks when I didn't shave as often as she liked. I started to dress differently to fit her ideas: no one else seemed to have an issue with how I looked, I never thought I was attractive but even as someone who thought of myself as the ugly kid, it fucked with my head that I was less accepted in her home than I was anywhere else. I did a lot of things for my mother's approval but it was always out of my reach.

As an adult, I still remember her remarks. I don't shave or 'deal with' my eyebrows, I've little issue with my many stretch marks and scars - even the ones on my front teeth from repair work, I dress very differently now, but I still get the feeling sometimes that if my mother thinks this is ugly enough that I need to change, then I must really be ugly. I mean the expression is 'a face only a mother could love', if my own mother doesn't then...what does that mean about me?

Even the things she liked, like my being skinny, has at times itched my brain as the way I put on weight means I'm still 'bony' at my collar and hips and as those were her markers, I still see myself as bony even though I'm now a recommended weight for my height. Repeated focus on this sort of thing can distort how we see ourselves.

I also don't think we can compare stretch marks to thinks like acne and varicose veins which can cause pain and potentially dangerous infections. I get body acne and those little fuckers can hurt.

Nothing wrong with encouraging her to moisture generally but no need to mention stretch marks which can’t be helped.

I think you should work more on building your dds confidence and independence rather than focusing on her body image.
She’ll be well aware of her changes without you constantly reminding her to use the oil.
Re shaving her legs, leave her a razor in the bathroom for her to use if chooses to do so. But your Dh is right you’ll give her a complex and self esteem issues if you don’t back off.

Stretch marks are a completely normal human thing, most people have them somewhere especially females. You’ve pointed out a ‘flaw’ she didn’t previously have an issue with and she’s already struggling with her confidence. I’m not sure why you did this at all, it’s quite horrible.

Im actually going to go against the other posts. I've a dd of a similar age
I'd have done the same. At 14 they still need guidance and reminding to keep up new self care habits that previously weren't needed. I'd hate to have scars that weren't necessary because my dm didn't want to remind me that I needed to apply bio oil
I think it's important to embrace our imperfections and accept them. That doesn't mean pretending they don't exist

As has been said over and over, Bio-Oil doesn’t work! You either get stretch marks or you don’t. I slathered my bump in Bio-oil during my pregnancy and spent a fortune. By full term, my stomach looked like a dart board.

Adolescence is horrendous enough without adding to it by foisting unnecessary “cures” on teens.

Why are stretch marks that big a deal?

@LBXXX

Personally I think YANBU

Wether anyone on MN want to admit it or not, when she gets older she will most likely resent her stretch marks so wanting to help her with that now I think is a good thing

Also shaving her legs at 14 in my opinion is also a good idea. My sister was particularly hairy and didn’t shave and she was bullied at school for it. So I think YANBU

'Resent' stretch marks?

Really?

Surely they just turn into tiny silver lines? (Wouldn't know, I don't have any)

And if she's self-conscious about her legs she can sort that out without being made to.

I used Clarin’s stretch mark oil and thought I’d gotten away without any stretch marks despite having a huuuuge bump, turns out they were on the underside of my bump 😂

I have huuuuge stretch marks on my thighs that appeared about age 12. I remember one bitch of a woman, on the beach in my hometown commenting on them in front of me. It’s meant that I’ve always been bothered by them. I remember it so well, she was one of those effortlessly glamorous, slim, heavily made up, vapid creatures, and it stung. I’ve spent my whole life a size 8-10 but forever been ashamed of my ‘enormous’ thighs.

Basically don’t be so fucking cruel. So what if she has stretch marks. They will fade and be barely noticeable.

This can't be real.

This is so awful. Poor daughter.
I can’t believe people still believe that bio oil or ANY CREAM will help stretch marks.

You don't seem aware that whether someone gets stretch marks or not is down to their genes. So rubbing bio oil or any cream or potion on them won't make them disappear. They will fade over time.

Likewise whether she has hair on her legs or not is also due to her genes. Hair on your legs isn't unhygienic and there are actually movements to point out to women not shaving and otherwise removing hair on your legs if you don't want to is fine.

You are making out she has issues with her appearance that are down to some faults of hers when they are actually genetic. There is nothing wrong with her body.

In other words it is you and how you are acting which is damaging her self-esteem and giving her issues.

Tbh I went through puberty quickly and very young. I applied all the creams available... it’s been 16/17 years, whilst some on my hips have gone silvery, I still have bad stretch marks on my inner thighs that look new but aren’t - creams don’t always make a difference and could cause her added stress.

Should add I used bio oil as well as different creams at different times.

I'm with Nanny0gg, I just can't see the issue with stretch marks. Everybody has them, they always fade. In fact, I think they are quite nice. A sort ot free, discreet tatoo. (Plus, oils & creams don't work, they just make you money and time poorer).

@Shitmotherright, having teens is hard but I do think your DP is right.

You have done well to provide stuff you think she may want. Perhaps you can just mention it one last time. "DD, you know I bought the oil and the razors? They are just in case you ever want to use them. Do let me know if you need any help or advice". And don't mention it again.

From your description of your DD, it sounds like she is attached to you and you'd be her first port of call (I have a similar DC). That is great and leaving the door open like that would make it easy for her to ask. IF she ever is bothered about those things. If she isn't, that's her prerrogative and a very healthy attitude to have.

On a side note, I find it sad that the main reason why some PPs give for advising a girl to shave/hide stretchmarks etc. is bullying. I know it's hard to resist, but it's exactly that attitude that perpetuates the bullying cycle.

Your intentions are good and it's the right thing to do. It will help in the long term and she will appreciate it in later years.

My mum was similar to you and I really appreciate it now!

Being a parent is hard OP, I think you're doing a great job. It's good to care and show your daughter how to care for herself. That's what the mums role is

My mother did that to me when I was a teen. "Helpfully" noticed some "minor flaws" and "helpfully" bought me various products and "helpfully" reminded me repeatedly to apply them. It was just awful. Please please please stop!

What would have been helpful to me would have been something like: "I've noticed you've got some stretch marks. You can get cream for those. Would you like me to get you some?" and if I said no, then: "Alright, well if you ever do you can just ask me." Then SHUTTING UP.

If your daughter minds the stretch marks, she won't forget to put the cream on. If she doesn't mind, she will now you've repeatedly told her how hideous she is and how she needs to fix herself. It's not helping if people don't want the help - it's nagging.

(Also, to other posters, you can often get stretch marks when you grow upwards very quickly. It's nothing to do with weight.)